Confessions of a Blogaholic

The fact that we are leaving 2009 behind tonight doesn't really seem as dramatic to me as it does every other year. Most years, I make a list of "goals" ("resolutions" tend to go by the wayside pretty quickly, but you can always come back to finish your "goals") that I want to accomplish within the next year. They usually consist of paying off debts, losing weight, all the typical stuff. My goals for 2009 were to pay of debts (and yet we dug ourselves a little further in with the purchase of a new car, lol), have a baby (in the midst of that), and buy a house (working our way towards that). So, all-in-all, I can say 2009 was a pretty productive year.

I'm kind of freaked about 2010 right now. For the same reasons I wrote about in my "stressing" blog a couple days ago. There is so much going on, where do I even begin to start with goals? My only real goal is to lose weight after the baby comes, but again, that's been the same goal I've had for years. I feel like life is at some sort of standstill for Nathan and I right now...we're waiting on so many things. It's like we're teetering on the edge of a cliff waiting to be pushed down the side. All I know is somehow we will make it through this year with all it is about to bring.

So...here's to 2010. This will probably be one of the busiest, craziest, most stressful years of my life, but I'm ready for it. Let's just hope the bank account can keep up with the every-pressing financial demands, my sanity can keep up with many sleepless nights, and that my patience doesn't wear out before this time next year. Good luck to all in the new year :)

I am freaking sick today. WTH??? Last night, my eyes were watering excessively (probably because I've had my contacts in too long, but I didn't think of that until the morning when my husband asked me when I last changed them), and I woke up this morning to them being completely sealed closed. Totally gross.

My head feels like it's going to blow up, my nose is so stuffed I can hardly breathe, and my lips are officially cracked from all the mouth breathing.

But Rylee is having a freakin' blast in my belly today, so at least one of us is feeling well :)

So, I'm pretty stressed. I'm on vacation, and I should be enjoying my time, but I am just stressed out. There is too much going on. Each day is turning into a whirlwind and I'm not accomplishing anything. Here's what's going on...

Stink
Yes, we are still working on Stink. He looks sooooo much better, but for every step we take forward, we end up taking 2 steps back. The dermatologist is planning a skin biopsy for him on Friday, Jan 8th, so we'll see if his skin isn't the root of all his problems. He isn't reacting well to the steroids (we'll find out soon if his reaction is due to a bladder infection instead of the steroids, though), and if the biopsy comes back negative for all the stuff they're testing AND he can't stay on steroids for his itching, we are pretty much out of luck.

LUCKILY, my mom has let us leave Stink at her house the last week and, hopefully, until next Friday. It's still almost just as worrisome and stressful as it is taking care of him here full-time, though, because I keep going over there to coddle him like a baby.

Houses
We got approved for $150k for a house!!!! That's awesome news!!! The not-so-awesome news is that we now have to find a house and get into contract on it so we can close by April 2. We've had to alter our expectations for a home--we aren't going to get the kind of home we'd like to have if we keep holding out for a 1/2 acre. I'm worried about all the money that goes along with home buying. We have a nice chunk saved up, but with the down payment, closing costs (fingers crossed we can get seller to pay), inspection costs, moving costs, and our lease buy-out, 2010 is looking like an insanely expensive year.

Taxes
Has anyone else taken a preliminary look at their taxes this year? Let's just say that we (Nathan and I, at least) got completely screwed by this wonderful "stimulus" money on each paycheck (remember that extra $15 a week we'd all receive?). I never changed my number of dependents because we've always gotten a few thousand back, so I assumed it would work out fine, but it didn't. I'm pretty pissed because I'd rather them NOT give me that extra money on my paychecks and me NOT end up paying in this year. We got royally screwed by our taxes this year. Blows.

All that being said, we need to close on a house before we file our taxes so what we owe can come out of our $8,000 tax credit.

Baby Rylee
Every day, I get more and more stressed about being so close to Rylee's arrival. I'm freaking about the number of appointments I'll be having in the next 4 months, and I'm freaking about the fact that someone decided Nathan and I were good enough to be someone's PARENTS!!!

Stressing
I'm stressing about stressing (ironically) because I don't want to screw up my pregnancy and all that good stuff.

Deep breaths, calm thoughts, studying pictures of the beach, closing eyes, counting backward from 10, drinking a chocolate milkshake....Soothing thoughts, warm showers, scented candles, this too shall pass. I can do this. I can do all of this. I can handle it because it wouldn't be happening if I couldn't.

I promised I'd never post pictures of just my belly anywhere, but I couldn't resist now that it's with me all the time, lol.

22 weeks 4 days

Last week, we headed off to Myrtle Beach. It's sort of a family tradition we have because my grandparents always took us to MB during Christmas vacations growing up. I must have gone with them at least 5 times. We would swim in the hotel pool, go bowling at a nearby hotel, visit the Wacamaw Mall...I have so many memories of my many trips with my grandparents.

Here's some for you...
My grandpa used to always get me up bright and early in the morning so we could head to the beach to look for shells. It was like a g-pa/g-daughter thing we did together, and I'm so glad I have so many shells to help me remember these mornings.

On one such morning, I found a starfish. I wanted to throw it back out in the ocean, but my grandpa said it was already dead if it had washed up on shore. He had me bring it back to the hotel room and let it "dry out" (i.e. die). I still have that starfish, and it's one of my most prized possessions.

I remember going to souvenir shops. That was one thing we did ALL THE TIME. My grandparents loved to look at souvenirs, though I don't remember them buying much for themselves.

I remember stopping at this little tiny one-room church on the way to MB. It had like 6 tiny pews, 3 on either side. We always signed the guest book.

I remember Pappaw waking me (and anyone else in the van) up many, many times during the trip to tell us about different trees, tell us what he would do "if he owned that land," teach us about glass in the road pavement in SC, and show us what real cotton looks like when it's growing. He should be proud that he imparted so much information to us.

I remember arguing with my brother and cousin, lol.

I remember trips to the Dixie Stampede and getting a "boot" with the strawberry drink in it.

So, so, so many of my childhood memories are centered on MB. And I was lucky enough to make so many more on this trip.

For instance, this is what happens when you get Mammaw in an electric cart in the midst of aisles that are WAY TOO CLOSE...


And this is what you (or my mom and I) can do with a few bucks worth of Christmas decorations...




...and here they are from the beach...



Then, there was this...

...when we talked my grandma into posing like she was holding the palm tree up. Too, too funny. Wish I had gotten the close-up shot where you can tell she is posing like a model.

We got some family shots on the beach, but you'll need to excuse my pregnant blimpiness and ill-fitting sweater, lol...


We also went to the Dixie Stampede, which is like Medieval Times but with a holiday theme. While it's a little cheesy now, I remember thinking it was the coolest thing in the world when I was little.

The Preshow...




During the show, Rocky and Roberta got picked to be in the show. Pretty cool...


Well, at least they won :)

There was searching for shells...


...and plenty of Yahtzee, Boggle, and Catch Phrase...


But most importantly, there was time spent with family. Memories made with my awesome mother and my amazing g-ma. Times I'll never forget for the rest of my life...

A brief thought before I head out on my trip...

My midwife encouraged us to do birthing classes--especially if we want to do an unmedicated birth. My OB encouraged us to do birthing classes. All the pregnancy books encourage us to do birthing classes. But, I don't think we're going to do any birthing classes.

Here's my philosophy on the whole thing...In the end of it all, a baby is going to come out of me one way or another. Either my "butt is going to fall off, and the baby comes out, and you have to dig around to get the baby" (a la Knocked Up), or they are going to slice me open and rip the baby from my womb. One way or another, she's coming out. She can't, unfortunately, stay warm and protected in my uterus for the next 20 years, lol.

So, does it matter if I take birthing classes? Does it matter if I have practiced breathing techniques, if I know how to visualize to alleviate some of the pain, if I know how they use the vacuum thingy or the forceps? Does it matter if I plan and plan to have a vaginal birth? No, not really. None of it really matters.

I'll have to reiterate my argument that women are designed to give birth. I think we have to rely on our natural instincts to do something that is as inherent to us as breathing air. We are supposed to do it; we are mechanically inclined toward incubation and delivery. No birthing class can prepare us (me) for what lies ahead, but reverting to instinct is all we (I) should really need. Birthing classes and epidurals are really new concepts (within the last few decades). I almost feel like having these things (FOR ME, and IN MY PERSONAL OPINION) is like a smack in the face to our very nature as women. This is what we are/were born to do. This is what makes us women, and this is truly what makes us stronger than men (after all...what pain could a man ever have that could even come close in comparison to the pain of childbirth?).

All that being said...if I need it, I'm still getting the epidural :)

You know what I absolutely love??? I LOVE that even though Nathan and I have lived together for 7 years and 3 months, I can still learn new things about him.

For example, today I learned that even though he is the LEAST emotive person I have ever met in my life, he really does have feelings...and I LOVE this. I love finding out that things affect him and that he has deep emotions--even if I never see them.

Today is a day when I appreciate my husband for the amazingly wonderful person he is. I often tell people we are loud like an Italian couple whether angry or not, but man...do I ever love that guy.

You're fantastic, homey, and you are going to be an amazing daddy to our little baby girl :)

When I first started feeling movements ("quickening"), it was a few weeks ago. I would feel something and immediately think, "Whoa. What was that?" It felt like a brief, fleeting moment of a gas bubble, but it was in the wrong spot. Instead of being in my stomach or intestines, it was in the front of my belly, toward my belly button.

The only reason I've noticed baby movements more often now, is because I find myself thinking, "Whoa. What was that?" much more often. Today, it has been super frequent. Probably the most I've felt so far. I think I've paused for my "Whoa" thought at least 10-15 times today. It's nuts. Most of those were early this morning (around 9) and this evening. I love it!

We had our 20-week ultrasound today and got to see our beautiful little lady. There is still nothing more amazing than seeing her bouncing around on the little screen and feeling none of it, lol.

She is measuring exactly on target (within 1-2 days), with a due date still between April 29 and May 2. She was doing the MOST ADORABLE thing today...first, I should say she is currently breech, but the doctor said that is no big deal at this point and she will probably flip around again here soon. So, anyhow, her little head is up toward my belly button. Her little baby feet were up in her face, and she was playing with her tiny toes. Too, too cute. Absolutely. I cannot wait to actually see her face; she's going to be a beautiful baby.

Next appointment is at 25 weeks (11-18), and I'll be very close to starting the 3rd trimester! I can't believe it!!!!

...Some days you're the statue.

Today was a "statue" day. I'm dying for Christmas break. I cannot wait to get away for 2 weeks, and each day just seems to drag on and on and on.

The kids had a paper due today, so of course I spent much of my day fending of crying children and their "my computer..." or "my printer..." or "I emailed it!" excuses. Zero for you. Zero for you. Zero for you. I'm mean, I guess, but I expect a lot out of them, and there is no excuse for a late paper when you've had three weeks to do it. Be responsible. Be a young adult.

I still feel like crap, though, when they either don't do the paper (Don't you know you will fail my class if you don't do the work?) or when I actually DO give them a second chance (email it to me by 3:30 today, and I'll still take it...) they fail to follow through. I feel crappy because I take it personally. I shouldn't, I know, but I feel like I didn't do enough to get them to do the assignment. It ONLY bugs me when it's a 100+ point assignment, though.

Whatever, I guess. My job is not to baby them. It is to teach them life skills, and meeting deadlines is absolutely a life skill. I do it. My grades are never turned in late. I ALWAYS have my paperwork and anything requested of me turned in on time. There's no excuse for laziness, and maybe, just maybe if we (as a culture) stop allowing anything other than high expectations, maybe then we'd be doing better as a society. I'm sorry, but there is NO REASON to turn in late homework. Get your lazy butt in gear, and get it done, ya know??

Like I said, I'm mean. I've heard it from other teachers as well, but I don't care.

In other news...I'm off to see Twilight: The New Moon Saga again tomorrow. LOVE that movie. Definitely another one to add to my slim movie collection.

If you've never been a teacher, there are some things you may not know about children. For instance, did you know their attitudes and behaviors are dictated by upcoming events? Between Thanksgiving and Christmas it is nearly impossible to get the kids to sit down, be quiet, and do what you want them to do. More disciplinary notices occur during this time (write-ups, demerits, things of the like). More children start crowding the afterschool detention rooms. Kids become squirrely, ready to bounce off the walls at any given moment, trying on your patience, and all-around unsettled. This same type of behavior tends to happen just before spring break and at the end of the school year. I would venture to say these are the most trying times of any school year, and anyone who thinks we should add 20 days onto our year has NO CLUE how the behaviors of kids are affected by the timing of the year. When the sun starts to shine and weather starts to warm up, no kid (or teacher) wants to be stuck in a classroom, and that is reflected in their dispositions. Kids are amazing creatures, seriously.

That being said, break is 2 weeks away, I am at the end of my rope, the kids are at the end of theirs, and it is taking everything I have down to the core of my soul to get them through this last stretch of 2009. It's no wonder I feel so worn out all the time!

Last night, we went to the zoo for their Holiday Lights. It was a lot of fun. Freezing, but a lot of fun. Wish I could have taken some pictures, but my hands wanted to stay buried in my coat pockets! We walked around for about 2 hours, which is the most walking I have done at this stage of pregnancy (20 weeks this week). I didn't think much of it while we were there; I wasn't in much pain other than some cramping in my lower, lower gut region--Maybe the baby telling me she'd had enough?? But once we got back to the car and finally got home last night, my body told me just how trying that whole event was for it. My left leg felt like I had run a marathon--it was SOOOOOOOOOOOO sore and achy. I kept having to stretch it because my muscles were all cramped and pained! My back (the left lower side, which I have been having problems with anyhow) was intensely pained, and I could hardly move once we got into bed. Finally, my BOOBS were so sore. Who would've thought that doing something as simple as walking could cause so much discomfort.

In the last few days, my stomach has turned into a very hard and protruding rock when I lay on my back. It's amazing! I can feel my entire uterus around the sides and at the top. I end up sleeping with my hands cupped over this growing mass in some protective, instinctual way. All of this pregnancy stuff is fascinating. It's amazing to be able to feel the things that are growing, though I still haven't felt the baby with any certainty yet. I'm struggling with how much weight I'm gaining, and the fear that I will never be able to take it back off, but I'm glad that what is supposed to be happening is--It's good to know that everything isn't broken!

Edited to Add: I think I MAY be feeling the baby tonight. Either that or I have some seriously weird muscle spasm going on in my upper left gut. Totally feels like baby, though. I had ice cream earlier, maybe the sugar is driving her mad!

My mom and I went shopping today (loaded with our 20% off Buy Buy Baby coupons). Mom ended up buying the baby both the crib and the bottom part of the combo dresser. I am going back in the next week or two to get the top part of the combo dresser, and in February, I'll go back for the 6-drawer dresser and the adult bed rails/toddler bed piece for the set. This set will last until the baby is at least a teenager, since it is a 4-in-1 convertible bed (crib, toddler bed, toddler daybed, full size bed). I love practical stuff!!!

Anyhow...I won't be taking pictures at my apartment of the stuff since we will be setting everything up once we buy a house, so here are just some generic pictures of the pieces from the Sorelle website. We got them in this exact color as well:

1) The all important crib!!!


2) The combo dresser/changing table/hutch.


3) The 6-drawer dresser. Although I don't really see us using it all that much right now, it's definitely going to be useful as the baby grows.


To all the moms out there (and non-moms with input!!!)...I'm putting the finishing touches on my registries but I still don't feel like I have much on either of them :( What items do you recommend that I should add? If you know my name and stuff, check out what I have listed at Tar.get and Buy Buy Baby--let me know if you can think of anything I'm missing. I know I still need a stroller, convertible carseat, and that Bumbo seat thing, but I can't think of anything else!

I'm wasting time. Time during which I should be grading my last two stacks of essays, creating quizzes for this week (and the next two weeks), and coming up with the uber-fun activities I am going to use to try and keep the kids in line for the next 14 school days until Christmas break fever kicks in. Instead, I'm screwing around on the internet...looking at houses and bookmarking those I want to go see (I can't believe we're meeting with the realtor this Thursday), browsing through posts on Baby Center (I can't believe I am only a week and a half or so away from being halfway through this pregnancy!!), stopping in on Facebook every now and then, and generally being a waste of space. That's right...I am SO BUSY today...doing nothing :)

Thanksgiving was great. Lots of food. I got even more fat than I already am, though I've been seriously contemplating how I will work to get all this weight off plus some once the baby arrives...Maybe I'll take up running? Ugh. I hate running. Anyhow...it was good to see the family. Lots and lots of little ones running around anymore! Soon to be +1 next year.

Yesterday was decently productive. Hubs and I split the duties and got all the cleaning done in no time, which included steam cleaning the carpets yet again (I can't begin to tell you how many times I obsessively compulsively clean the freaking carpets). We were supposed to go to this local holiday event, but lo and behold, SOMEONE didn't show up when HE was supposed to, and I ended up getting all ready to go for NOTHING.

Husbands...can't live with them...can't smother them in their sleep.

Today I have to get some school work done. But that requires actually DOING something, and I'm so much more content just sitting here, staring at the computer all afternoon.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and as I get ready to clean my kitchen before the pumpkin cookie baking warfare begins, I thought I'd take a moment to think about the things I am thankful for...

Today, I am thankful for...

1. First and foremost, that the miracle of making a child finally happened for Nathan and I, and that this will be the last Thanksgiving for us without Miss Rylee tagging along.

2. My husband, for putting up with me when I am impossible to deal with, and for continuing to love me even when I am downright mean and unloving toward him.

3. My Mom, for being my best friend and for putting everyone else before herself.

4. My G-Ma, who defies the odds every day by staying as healthy as possible and fighting her cancer with all of her strength.

5. My friends, for listening to me babble on and on about the baby like a self-centered fool even though you have many important things going on in your lives as well.

6. My fantastic job that I love.

7. Being financially stable and being able to save for our future.

8. New Moon (I know, not appropriate, but I had to slip some humor in here)

9. Finally, I am thankful for every memory I have of all the previous Thanksgivings my family has been able to celebrate together.

Have a great Thanksgiving, everyone!

**Side note: I always thought it was funny that "devil" backward is "lived". Random.**

Anyhow...

I always wondered why pregnant women complained about having a difficult time watching TV when they were pregnant. I thought it was dumb, to be honest. Why worry about things beyond your control? What will be will be. I've heard some women complain about shows like CSI being too graphic or even the NEWS being too depressing (for God's sake! It's the news!!). I never understood how something as simple as a television could be so awful to pregnant women.

But, now I kinda get it.

Just in the last week, I've started having this new....um....development in my journey to mommyhood. Every time I watch TV, I seem to find SOMEthing difficult to watch. For instance...on Grey's Anatomy last week, this girl was in the hospital with no heart and her parents weren't there. I found myself thinking, "Oh, please don't EVER let me have to deal with my child in the hospital." Or, when those St. Jude's commercials come on, I find myself thinking, "Please don't let me go through that. Please let my baby be ok and perfect forever." Or, the news will talk about some rape story or even those women that were murdered in Cle.veland, and I'll think, "Not my daughter. I can't let this happen to my little girl."

So, I now understand why pregnant women freak out about the things they hear and see on TV. I haven't even had this baby yet, and I'm already worried about her life 20 years down the road. I'm already afraid she'll get pregnant as a teenager, or struggle with obesity. I'm worried she'll have a difficult time in school, and I won't know how to help her because so much of me expects her to enjoy school the way that I did. I'm freaked out that someone will do something awful and evil to her and destroy all that is good about innocence and childhood. I'm afraid something will happen someday in the distant, distant future and I'll get "the phone call" that no parent wants to have. I understand how other pregnant women feel when they say TV can get to be too much sometimes; it reminds me what a crappy world I have to protect my daughter from.

...and turning into a basketball, lol. In a few more weeks, I'll be busting out all over!

Nathan and my mom were the first to notice. Mom said my stomach was looking bigger, and Nathan (after commenting on how wide my belly button is all of a sudden) noted that from my belly button down, I am growing. I noticed it, too, when I laid on my back in bed last night--all of a sudden, a little, hard pooch is appearing.

Luckily, I have still only gained 6 pounds, so I am feeling pretty good about all of this. None of my pre-pregnancy clothes fit comfortably, and by comfortably I mean I can't write on my chalkboard in my classroom without feeling exposed in my pre-pregnancy gear.

I feel good, though. In fact, I feel wonderful. My uterus measures about 3 weeks ahead of where it should be right now, but my midwife said some people just grow big during pregnancy--she would question my due date and how far along I am IF I wasn't able to pinpoint my date of conception due to the IUI.

We are looking into buying a house again, which is exciting. We can pay two months rent to get out of our lease, and we're thinking if we buy a house in March/April, we can use a little of that $8,000 to pay off the lease. Another teacher at my school wants us to buy her house, but she paid A TON for it, and rightfully so since it is an insanely beautiful 4 bedroom, 2.5 bathroom home! She said she is willing to take a "significant loss" on it just to get out of it to move to her daughter's school district (to avoid the 45 minute commute each morning), but I just can't imagine she wants to take as big of a loss as we are prepared to pay. Who knows, though...we can't know until we make the offer :)

We are going the week of December 3 to look at the house, and we are already saving like mad to afford the down payment and closing costs (we have been saving since our snafu in May trying to buy a house). From the pictures she has shown me, it is truly a beautiful home, and a place I'd love to buy if all the financing works out. Here's a picture of it from last Christmas...

Beautiful, eh? The teacher is really adamant that she is willing to work with us to allow us to buy it--mainly so it doesn't have to sit on the market and because she wouldn't need to use a realtor. She even brought us in blueprints of the house so we could get a better idea of what's inside. Such excitement. We'll see what the next month holds.

I am not going to spend all of this pregnancy complaining about this, but I have to admit, this baby is a PAIN IN THE BACK.

I know, I know, it seems early for back pains already, but I've been having this intense pain every single evening since about week 6 of pregnancy. And when I say "intense pain," I truly mean INTENSE. Every night, regardless of the shoes I wear to work or whether I have been on my feet all day, my lower left back hurts so bad that not only can I barely walk, I can hardly change positions when I'm sleeping. Especially during the last two weeks, while the pain is getting even more intense, I wake up several times during the night when I'm unconsciously trying to roll over, to pretty much yell, "Oh my god! Oh my god! Ow! Ow! Ow!" as I have to grab on to either the side of the bed, the headboard, or my hubs just to switch positions. Forget getting up to pee at night--it's definitely a good thing I have a HUGE bladder--because the pain causes me to stumble so badly that I can hardly walk to the bathroom.

Now, I'm not generally one to complain about pain. I have to be getting pretty bad to even recognize that a pain exists. But I realized this pain is "pretty bad" when I just tried to walk down the stairs...every step, the pain shot from my lower left back down to my left mid-thigh. Every step, I thought my leg would give out. Now I know this pain is a lot. I am not looking forward to how much worse it is going to get over the next 23 weeks.

Last night I had the weirdest baby-related dream...I dreamed my belly was like a pocket and that the baby was growing sideways inside the pocket. Whenever I wanted, I could just open the pocket and there she was in all of her tiny glory. The inside of the belly pocket wasn't all gross and bloody or anything, nor was the baby alien-like and translucent. She just looked like and everyday baby (except only 5 inches or so long), pink and healthy, growing sideways in my belly. Weird!

Sometimes it seems like life turns into some sort of steamroller racing downhill; once it starts going, it just keeps going faster, and faster, and faster!

Stink has been getting worse, so we finally got him into a referral-only dermatologist at the OSU vet hospital. I was there tonight for 3 hours to find out that he has a pretty crazy skin bacterial infection and that all this immunotherapy we've been doing since June may have been causing more harm than good. As of tonight, he's on antibiotics and I have to use a topical antibacterial spray and cleaning cloths on him. Depending on the results of his bloodwork (the dr. said he seems really depressed and she wanted to test his blood for any additional kidney and liver issues), which we will get tomorrow, we may be starting him on a steroid to help get him stabilized and negate the effects of the allergy treatments.

Once he is doing better, we'll figure out the next step, but for now we have to treat and cure the infection.

After this, I come home to find out the homeowner's credit has been extended, which I was desperately hoping would happen. Nathan and I have been talking the last couple of months about trying to buy a house before the baby is born IF we could take advantage of the credit. Well...now we can. We can get out of our lease with a two-month rent payment, and doing that while getting the $8,000 credit is a damn good deal. So now, after spending all that we've spent on Stink, we're going to scrounge up our savings again and look into buying a house :)

Like I said...once life gets rolling...

Yes, the baby is a girl, and we are so excited. I have to say, though, that I have been calling it all along--blame that on a mother's intuition. Baby Rylee Ann is 4.5 inches and a little chunky at 5 ounces (supposed to be 3.5), but she and I had a talk and she agreed to do some extra jogging so Mama doesn't have to push out a 10-pounder.

Yesterday, we got the office cleared out and cleaned. We took most of the furniture to either our storage unit or my mom's house. We also got the letters of her name to paint for the wall, and we started to go buy the crib, but my mom insisted we wait another week or so until we can buy all the furniture at once (*eye roll* since we didn't intend for her to buy us a bunch of stuff!)

Today, I am going to clean our green recliner that somewhat matches the bedding we picked out at Buy Buy Baby. Then, Nathan can get that taken upstairs (must keep cats far away from baby's room and the furniture since I definitely don't want cat pee and hair everywhere again!). I'm also going to go ahead and paint the letters since I have nothing else to do today...The letters are going to be green with alternating polka dots or stripes. I'll try to post a picture later if I'm feeling at all motivated to go through that hassle, lol.

In all, we are obviously excited. We have to get as much of this stuff done now as possible, since we have some pretty big events coming up in the months ahead (Thanksgiving/possible trip to W.Va to see the Christmas lights, Christmas--trip to Myrtle Beach, January and February--all my energy expended on dragging the children through their research papers, then *BAM* it's almost baby time!). Plus, it's just nice to see things in the room and know that eventually we'll have a little one in there.

1. THE BABY IS A GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. Sometimes, people in positions of authority really piss me off.

1. Last Friday, my principal came into our lunch and handed me a packet. He said I'd been selected as one of the "heads" for our departmental meetings this week and the week before Thanksgiving. So, I share the responsibility of "head" with a middle school teacher, and we are to lead the 14 teachers from 6-12 grade in Foreign Language, English, and the librarian. While I was pretty honored at being selected, I am still surprised that it happened--I'm the newest of all these "heads" for all departments. I should be flattered, but I'd love to know WHY me, so I can make sure it wasn't just a default choice, lol.

2. I've also become the team leader for our freshman team. This was by default because no one was stepping up to do it, and if you know me, you know I can't stand following along when no one is leading. So, I ended up doing it. I'll probably do it again next year IF there is some sort of payment for it!!!

****Let me just mention here that I zoned out as I wrote that and began researching "Freshman Transition" on the internet. I just spent over an hour perusing sites. Ugh, I'm such an over-achiever!****

3. I really want a raise next year, but I don't see it happening since we have to get our income tax reapproved. There's no way people will approve it again if we get a raise at the same time. But, let me just point out that teachers at our school have only had a 1% raise in the last 4 years.

4. I still love my job, and I love my kids.

5. At this time in two days, I will not only know the sex of our baby (barring and unforeseen bashfulness of said child), I will have purchased my first real baby-related item (a pink or blue teddy bear from Build-a-Bear).

6. Glee is back tomorrow!!!

7. It's almost Thanksgiving and I am so excited. In all honesty, I truly think Turkey Day is my most favorite holiday. Now that I think about it, some of the best family gatherings have been during Thanksgiving. I love it!! And I love that it sets off the Christmas season.

8. Today I feel like a good teacher because my kids are voluntarily conferencing with me about their essays during work time in class.

9. Today I feel like a good human being because I felt productive, driven, and like a good leader for both of my groups (#1 and #2).

10. Today I feel like a good woman because I was able to touch my belly and know a 4-inch human being is growing in there :)

I have officially gained 3 pounds. I'm willing to argue that 3 pounds in 15 weeks, 3 days is doing pretty good, but I'm also the person who is willing to argue that I'm "pleasantly plump" and not obese, lol. No, really, though, I'm not obese. I'm guessing that all the weight gin has been to my boobs and stomach, since those are the two regions that no longer want to fit into anything I own--And my face. Oh man, my face is getting fat. Yuck. Oh well, what can I do??

My goal is to not gain more than 15 pounds throughout the pregnancy. Being fat to begin with, I don't think I really need to gain that much. I eat when I'm hungry (and can find something that won't come right back up), and I don't eat when I'm not hungry.

When this pregnancy is over--I HAVE GOT TO GET MYSELF IN CHECK!!!! I do NOT want to be one of those super fat moms!!! It's bad enough being a super fat pregnant chick and missing out on all those fantastic "Oh my gosh! Are you pregnant???" comments at the store or whatever; instead, people will look at me and say, "Wow! You're really....uh....changing! Watch out for diabetes you fat ass!!!" lol I want to have the energy and mobility to play with my kids when they can play and to do all that fun stuff you're supposed to do with your family.

In other, non-baby-related news...

Stink is still looking like crap. He has another bladder infection (hence the pee discussed in an earlier post), so we're treating that with some more Clavomax. We're in month 4 of the allergy immunization program, and every time we have to give him a shot (we're at the 30-day interval now, thank God), we feel awful. He's so scabbed and his hair is so gone that it's hard to find a place to put the syringe. It's awful. We're giving him a year's worth of time to see improvement (next June), and if nothing, we're going to have to do something else.

Mammaw is back at Mom's house. She's having trouble keeping her sugar level where it should be. Even after eating a candy bar, her level is still really low. She'll have to get back to the doctor sometime this week. She is pretty much over-the-moon still about the 3d ultrasound this week, and I'm so glad I can make her that happy.

I just have to say that I feel 200% better about my decision to use a midwife instead of an OB. Several fantastic things about the midwife are...

1. There are two midwives at the practice and they are both super friendly, experienced, funny, and dedicated.
2. They didn't make me feel bad about anything I said!
3. One of the two of them will not only deliver my baby, but she will also be at the hospital with me throughout my labor. Fantastic!
4. This practice does the standard 20-week anatomy scan, unlike my OB.
5. They have a beautiful office!
6. They will coach me through a non-intervention birth or a medicated birth--yay!
7. They both have experiences delivering women in many different positions (water birth, squatting, etc.)
8. There are two OBs at the practice who will step in if needed (gestational diabetes, preeclampsia, breech baby, etc.)

I am so happy, satisfied, and relieved with this decision. *sigh*

That's the size of the baby at 15 weeks.

I'm not sure why so many people call the second trimester the "honeymoon" period, because I'm still feeling like shit. In fact, I'd venture to say I have felt worse over the last 2 weeks than I have in the last 15 weeks!! I'm equally if not more tired than I have been, except now, my exhaustion lasts from the minute I get up until I get up the following morning, and it doesn't seem to be affected at all by the amount of sleep I get at night. My head feels nauseous, I'm dizzy if I jump up too fast, and I feel bigger than the freakin Goodyear blimp.

Let's stay on the fat point...the only thing that seems to cure my nausea is eating, but there are very few things I ever want to eat. I get stuck on one food for about a week (this week it's bagels and cream cheese), then I can't eat that food at all anymore. Other week-long food obsessions include apples, Jersey Mike's subs (which I never want), Lucky Charms, and frozen fruit popsicles. I feel like such a fat ass. Today, I had to wear my work pants completely unzipped with a long shirt over them---how embarrassing!!!

Tomorrow is the appointment with the midwife. It's supposed to be a "meet and greet" so I assume it'll just consist of some conversation, us asking questions, etc. Midwives can only deliver patients who are NOT having any complications; if there are complications, the midwife will refer to an OB (luckily there are several in the practice we are going to tomorrow). I just need to make sure there are no complications, which means staying away from the cupcakes!!!

Allow me to drool for a moment...

Yay! The midwife emailed me today and we set up a "meet and greet" appointment for Thursday after school. I am so relieved!

Today is her next treatment, so I thought I'd update ya'll on how she's doing.

For now, she's still at Mom's, house, but I think she'll be making her way down to Elizabeth's in a few days.

She FINALLY had her appointment with her new family practitioner--our family doctor left back in July and the doctors her cancer doc recommended couldn't get her in until the end of October. The new doc should be great, though, because she works really closely with Dr. S (cancer doc).

New doc took her off of her old blood pressure meds because she said they could be the reason why her old chemo stopped working since they are a diuretic and can interact with chemo.

She also recommended a foot specialist for the Geemz. G-ma's feet have been numb and extremely painful for the last few months; they say the treatments kill the nerves in the patient's feet and that nothing can be done to help them. Her feet have also swollen unbelievably, so hopefully this foot doctor can do something for her.

Other than that, she's still about the same. Tired all the time, but sleeping much less and enjoying her quality of life much more now that she's not cramped up in her old, dank, stifling house anymore. The bus drivers have been incredible!!! They drew up a calendar of volunteers who would bring food to Mammaw. She's had all kinds of things from homemade chili and pumpkin crunch pie to spinach/corn bread balls and pineapple upside down cake. This is really fantastic of them, because we run out of ideas of things for her to try to eat. It's hard for her to eat much of anything, so Mom is constantly trying new foods for her....

She's so excited about the 3d ultrasound. Can you believe she's never seen an ultrasound before??? At all!!! That's insane. I'm so glad she'll be there for this one :)

I don't think I wrote anything about this...We scheduled our 3d/4d ultrasound for November 12, so on that day, we will know with 100% certainty whether we are bringing home a little guy or girl in May.

The scan is a half-hour long and we're taking the geemz (Mammaw) and Mom to see it. Should be a good ole' time watching the little alien flip around on the screen. I must remember to drink a milkshake (heh, hard to forget that one!) 15-30 minutes before we go so the bean is awake and jumping for the scan.

Man...I am so excited. I need this week and next to float by quickly.

Today, we had what I can only call the worst experience of this entire pregnancy.

First, the chick that comes in to get all the info pre-doctor wouldn't listen to me when I told her about triggering, so that have me listed as being only 13w4d. I told her twice that I am about 3 days ahead of that (14w today) because of my trigger shot. She tells me the doc will measure anyhow to confirm delivery date.

Doc comes in. My first question, "Will you be the one to deliver my baby?" Her answer, "No, because I'm actually due about 4 weeks before you." WHAT???? Why didn't anyone tell me this beforehand. I definitely would've switched OBs if I had known that!!! I ask, "When will I meet the person who will deliver me?" She says, "Mid-April." So, you're telling me I will MEET the person who will be DELIVERING MY BABY less than 2 WEEKS before my due date?!?!?!?!?

Anyhow...She decides to use the doppler to find the heartbeat. I undo my pants and she probes around and around by my pubic bone for about 5 minutes. Nothing. Of course, I'm freaking out at this point. So, she decides to do an "ultrasound" (if you want to call it that. Basically, she take the thing out, probes around my pubic bone again and finds nothing. Then, she moves higher. Lo and behold, that baby is about 6 inches higher than it should be right now--it's WAY up behind my belly button. No wonder my belly is getting big already, my stomach had to move to make way for the migrating baby.

She says, "Whoa! I wasn't expecting it to be up that high already. There's the heartbeat, see it?" Well, no, I actually didn't because OB ultrasound equipment sucks my ass. The screen was like 4 inches wide and the baby was so small in the picture that I couldn't see anything. "Let's try the doppler again," she says...after only a 2minute ultrasound.

Doppler...still no heartbeat.

She says, "Ok, well, I saw the heartbeat, so everything's good. See you in a month." And, by the way, they don't do another u/s until 7 MONTHS!!! 7 MONTHS, ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME???? I still have stupid cysts, and they aren't even going to look at them again??? WTF

Then, we go to schedule upcoming appointments. They wanted me in on Tuesday before Thanksgiving, well, I am going on a field trip with the students and there is NO WAY IN HELL I can take that day off. So, I told her this very nicely and she looks at me like I don't deserve to be pregnant. WTF??? I have a JOB, lady. I have RESPONSIBILITIES. You are in the business of working with people, and people have to WORK to MAKE MONEY.

Needless to say, I was unbelievably stressed at this appointment. We are switching to a midwife because we were completely spoiled by the individualized attention we got at the RE, and a midwife would be able to provide us with that kind of attention.

Ugh.

One of my cats (or quite possibly all three) have taken a liking (yet again) to peeing somewhere outside of their boxes. The smell is deadly around (or on) our blue recliner and I'm going to be pissed (haha) if they are pissing in our chair. It smells awful. It's hurting my head. I've doused the chair in OxyClean (for carpets), and it seems it only amplified the smell. FREAKING GROSS.

My eyes are getting worse and worse from the insane vomiting the other night. They honestly look terrible. The whole bottom half of both eyes is dark blood red and it's continuously growing up the outer and inner edges of my left eye. This morning I noticed a beautiful bruise on my left eyelid.

I googled it; apparently you really can blow blood vessels in your eyes from intense retching, so that's definitely the cause. I'm wondering if the lovely blood color will make its way over my entire eye so I can look like some evil vampire or something--Sweet. The kids would love that.

Really....how in the heck can I figure out where the pee is and who is doing it. Damn cats.

So, let's just say I don't think this baby likes steak.

Last night, I had a well, well done steak (accidentally overcooked by moi) at 7:30. Between 8:30 and 10:30 I was retching my guts out in the bathroom. I'm talking the worst retching I've had thus far. I actually BLEW A BLOOD VESSEL in my eye from all of the straining and my face swelled up HUGE! IT. WAS. AWFUL. I passed out at 10:30 from the exhaustion and the swelling only to wake up this morning with an awful blood-red eye and a painful jaw.

I really hope Nathan will get me some Arby's on his way home as nothing else sounds even remotely like it will stay down.

Alexis had her baby last night, which makes me soooo excited for her and Dave! Yay to not having to carry a baby anymore! But, boo to poor baby being in the NICU because of lung function :( Last I talked to her (just a few minutes ago), she hadn't even seen baby Aly yet, and it's been almost 24 hours since the c-section.

While I would love to go a little early, I desperately hope everything holds out until my due date (or May 1st or 2nd as they fall on a weekend), because I only have 3 sick days of wiggle room for my maternity leave to be paid.

Thursday is my OB appointment. I'm hoping and crossing my fingers she can give me like an 80% guess about Baby's gender. I'm SOOO IMPATIENT!!

There are very few things that I KNOW, but here's a list of a few things about which I am SURE.

1. One of my high school English teachers would have killed me for using "things" that many times in one sentence. In fact, "things" is on my banned words list for my students as well. I'm a hypocrite; sue me.
2. I can no longer go to the movies and put both my feet up on the seat in front of me.
3. I hate pants. They are so uncomfortable. I can feel myself being squished and squeezed from deep inside when I wear pants. No wonder so many moms-to-be switch to dresses.
4. I have never drooled so much in my life. I wake up several times during the night to wipe the drool off my face. It's gross--I hope I don't drown, lol.
5. That noise running up the stairs at night is a succession of cats chasing each other, NOT a demon. (Just saw Paranormal Activity, and screamed like a girl!)
6. I have Thursday off this week :)
7. My favorite part of fall is pumpkin flavoring--ice cream, pumpkin rolls, pumpkin pie, pumpkin donuts, Mmmmm (There's the drool again!)
8. There are only 22 school days until Thanksgiving Break, and 37 school days until Christmas Break...But when we come back from Christmas Break, the year drags ON AND ON!
9. I can feel my uterus in the bottom part of my stomach. It's large and hard like a rock. You can rub from side to side of it.
10. You can see it, but my stomach is starting to look pregnant. I can't suck it in (as of yesterday). It is what it is. At least it's doing what it's supposed to.
11. 5 out of 7 days of the week I don't feel like I'm pregnant anymore.
12. I must go wash my hair before heading to my mom's for lunch/dinner.

I'm posting less and less anymore. I knew that would happen once school started.

I realized today that so far this school year, I have not 1) Yelled at any of the kids, 2) Sent any of the kids to the hallway, or 3) Left at the end of the day feeling like a complete and total failure. Part of the explanation for this is that I am letting a whole lot more just slide off my shoulders this year. For instance, when a kid is texting when they are supposed to be reading silently--last year, I would have made a scene, taken the phone, etc. This year, I ignore it--it's their grade. They are given this time to work, and if they choose not to do so, they have to live with the consequences. It's not that I don't care, it just feels like a waste of negative energy to go through the steps. Now, if that cell phone or game thing is out in the open, where they are obviously not trying to hide it, I will resort to my plan from last year.

Another thing I've realized is that I am not taking THEIR failures personally. Last year, I got so offended when kids didn't do their homework. I was annoyed and pissed when they failed quizzes and tests or wrote things in their essays that I specifically spent 3 days telling them not to do ("In this paper, I will tell you..." and "In conclusion,..."). This year, I'm not taking any offense at all. They are kids. They don't listen. They zone out when I'm talking sometimes. This doesn't make me a bad teacher, although I spent 3 years taking classes that said IF this happened, then YOU-the teacher- weren't ENGAGING the kids and using APPROPRIATE means to reach out to them. THAT mindset is bullshit. I could do the chicken dance to the "Thong Song" while throwing out Chipotle burritos and some of those kids WILL. NOT. PAY. ATTENTION. So, this year...it's not MY fault when they fail. They let THEMSELVES down, not me. I'm thinking this is growth as a teacher.

Finally, speaking with parents doesn't bug me as much. I'm more confident in what I'm doing, and I have more belief that what I am doing is right. So, I'm better able to defend my assignments and to explain why an essay is a 60% to the parent of an honors kid. I can stand my ground because I know the fundamentals behind my expectations, and I stand by them. No matter how upset the parent gets.

This year...I feel like a good teacher. I feel like they are learning some things, and I am finding free time. THIS is what teaching is supposed to be like, and I'm glad I'm still enjoying it :)

Baby is between the size of a lime and a medium shrimp today. I can finally feel my ute--it's like a hard, hard orange right in my lower, middle belly. I should probably stop poking at myself as it doesn't seem like it's a good thing to do, lol...

I'm not feeling this week. It seems like it's going to go on forever. Four days this week, my kids are reading silently in class (if I don't give them time in class, it won't get done!), which leaves me to dawdle about and get progressively more tired as the day goes by.

The Geemz is now staying at my mom's house. She was at my aunt's for a couple of weeks, now she's staying at mom's. She's not walking as much; she's having a difficult time eating anything (most of it keeps coming back up); she's tired all of the time and has lost 11 pounds in the last month. It amazes me that modern science can make a baby for my hubs and I, but it can't cure something like cancer.

A little over a week until we can see the baby again :)

I just scheduled my first REAL OB appointment today, and finally, I feel like a regular pregnant lady!! My first appointment is supposed to be like an hour to an hour-and-a-half, but I completely forgot to tell the scheduler that I've already had all the regular tests (pap, blood work, etc.) and those results will be faxed to the OB before my appointment, so I won't be needing them again. Perhaps the appointment won't be as long as a result.

One big annoyance...I told the scheduler I am 11 weeks and 5 days along and have been working with the RE through the first tri. She says, "When was the first day of your LMP?" I say, "Well, it doesn't matter that much since I triggered early in that cycle." She says, "Well, we base your due date and how far along you are on your LMP." I say, "I understand you do that for NORMAL people, but I had a trigger shot, so it changes the number of days and what-not." Her reply, "I still need your LMP." Ugh...First the nurse at the RE didn't listen to me, now the OB scheduler won't listen to me. Apparently, my RE and OB are good friends, though, so I'm sure they'll figure something out.

Not sure what else to expect at that appointment. I'll be 14 weeks that day, and I know it's wishful thinking to hope we can get even a guess at gender, but I'm REALLY hoping they'll be able to give us one. If not, I'm sure we'll find out at the 18-20 week appointment :)

Conferences are tomorrow, and they make me so nervous. I bet parents never think about how the TEACHER feels at parent-teacher conferences. I asked my mm the other day and she said it never crossed her mind that the teacher might be nervous. What makes me nervous, you ask? I want parents to know that I am really doing my best to educate their child...I want them to believe in me as a teacher. But when a parent comes storming in to blame me for their child's failing grade (I mean, it obviously can't have anything to do with the fact that they haven't turned any assignments in for the entire quarter...), I don't think they realize how much time, effort, and careful consideration I really do put into my job. I hope I'm never one of THOSE parents :/ Wish me luck!

Every time I see my baby on the ultrasound screen, I realize how not real all of this feels. I do not feel like I am pregnant. I do not feel like there is a life inside of me. I especially do not feel like I am going to be holding my tiny baby in my arms in only 6 months. Absolutely none of this feels real.

When I laughed today, the baby jumped on the screen. My movement made the baby move. It's there, and it's reacting. But I still don't feel like this is happening.

First, let me relate to you what I woke up thinking this morning. My first trimester should go down in the books as the easiest first trimester in history. I threw up twice, gagged three times, and was super exhausted (but I'm pretty used to feeling exhausted all the time), but I honestly cannot complain. This has been a relatively easy 11 weeks. I've had no miscarriage scares, and I feel pretty good 90% of the time. *Knock on Wood* that the rest of this pregnancy will be as easy.

I have to do some serious cleaning today. The hubs has been keeping it up over the last 5 or 6 weeks, but he's a man, and he misses a lot of the real dirt. For example, there has been a pair of socks (don't know if they're clean or dirty) under the table for the last 3 or 4 weeks, but he doesn't "see" them (or want to go through the hassle of moving a chair and bending over to pick them up). So, yes, I have to go through the house and add my woman's touch, but I'm not going to complain because he has been doing a pretty good job.

This week...I have my 11w4d ultrasound on Monday, and I'm hoping this will be the last appointment with the RE. I'm looking forward to scheduling my "BIG" scan with the OB asap. Tuesday, thank God for having nothing to do! Wednesday we have parent-teacher conferences from 3:00-9:30, so of course, I'll want to kill myself. Thursday, I have to take volleyball tickets from 4 until 7:30ish (PLEASE let me make it home in time for Vampire Diaries!!! Friday, luckily, I do not have school (it's our comp day for the LOOOOOOONG day Wednesday), but it is our homecoming game, and I'm thinking about going to it. Saturday is our homecoming dance, and I got sucked into taking tickets and chaperoning from 7:30-10:30 (Yawn!). So, yes...it is going to be a bastard of a week. Don't be offended if I am completely out of commission and unable to text you, call you, or answer the phone when you call and I will be napping in between everything else.

Hey, at least it will help this last week and a half of my first trimester pass quickly!

Honestly, it has to be the hormones because I have never been so annoyed with so many people in one day. The simplest thing today seemed to send me reeling, and I had to fight to bite my tongue until I got in the car and could call people stupid morons on the phone to the hubs. On my list of annoyances: coworkers, some of my students, the brightness of the sun, the pain I've had in my back for several weeks now (I'm unable to walk without a serious limp in the evenings), and my inability to drink enough water to avoid feeling super swollen in the afternoons and evenings. Ugh to all of it! But I'm sure I won't be as pissy tomorrow--although, as far as the kids are concerned, the ones I had a smart mouth with today probably will hate me the rest of the year, because you know, I'm so mean and "such a bitch" and all...Oh well.

In better news...I thought I had been putting on all this weight. I've been feeling so fat and disgusting for at least the last month, but I was too scared to step on the scale (denial and ignorance are amazing tools for a positive self-esteem). In fact, when people ask me how I'm doing, I usually reply "fat." Most of my pants are unwearable because I cannot button them at all anymore (though I've developed this skill to somehow fasten them up and hide that area of my pants with a sweater. I finally decided to hope on the scale this morning to see what the deal was, and guess what...Other than the 5-7 pounds I put on from my summer of sloth, I've gained NOTHING. I haven't gained a damn thing. So, this excess weight on my middle must just be organs moving or something. I don't know. No other explanation.

Edited to add...My boobs are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sore. It's like knives stabbing be when anything touches them. This has been going on just about the whole time, but getting progressively worse. I now wake up at night when I roll over on them. Ouch!

I've been craving apples and other juicy fruits like a mo-fo. Can anyone tell me why the apples at my main grocery store are $2.99/lb (marked down from $5.99/lb!!!!). I'll die if I have to go without them, but there's no way in hell I'd pay that much for a freaking apple.

A couple of things...

First, a recent picture of my beautiful grandma. Every day is a waiting game to see how she is going to feel, whether or not she'll be able to go to work, and whether or not she'll be able to receive her treatments. I wish you all could have the pleasure of such an amazing person in your lives.

Second, today is the first day I have had energy in almost 10 weeks. I've spent many of the last few weekends napping in and out of consciousness, but today...I'm finally awake and working on the things that need to get done! I did a bit of cleaning (not too much to do, though, since my hubs has been keeping it up for at least the last 4 weeks!), finished a bit of planning/reading/quiz making for work, edited some kids' yearbook pages, and I'm thinking about going shopping in a few minutes. I feel really, really great finally. Fingers crossed it isn't just a fluke!

I've put up a new poll that I will be leaving up for the next couple of months. We should be able to find out the baby's gender within the next 6-10 weeks, depending on when I finally make it to the OB and whether the baby cooperates or not. So, I just thought I'd see what ya'll are thinking in terms of gender. I have my thoughts, and Nathan has his (they don't match, of course, lol)...we'll see!!

This has been a heckuva week, and it's only Wednesday.

Since last Thursday, I've been really sick. I have had a cold/sinus infection that JUST. WON'T. QUIT. and Saturday I was hunched over the toilet for several hours puking my guts out. Sunday, I slept. All day. Too tired and too sick to do anything worthwhile.

Monday was a yearbook workshop, so I had a sub all day. Once we got back to the school from that, I had to leave immediately to get to the RE for my 9w4d u/s. The baby is getting bigger--it's an inch long now and you can finally decipher some of its parts. I was wiggling around in there, flopping its arm and leg "buds" (or wings as I prefer to call them). Too fantastic.

Tuesday I worked and busted butt all day. Then, my mom took me out for my birthday. I was definitely appreciative of her for taking me out but I was soooo damn tired. She also took me shopping for my first pair of maternity pants and a sweater--she does too much for me. Seriously.

Today I worked and busted butt and had meetings after school that lasted until 6:00. Got home, ate leftovers from last night, and now I am really considering going on to bed for the night. Again, sooo tired.

I've been getting sick since Thursday night when I had one of those sleepless nights where every breath burns the back of your throat. It was a full-blown sinus infection by yesterday (Saturday). I felt disgusting yesterday. I was also in the midst of battling some day-long morning sickness, so the porcelain throne was my BFF for most of the morning and afternoon. Today, I woke up feeling a little better--I can breathe intermittently, which is a serious accomplishment--but while in the midst of getting my sore and tired body out of the bed, I had the craziest, biggest sneeze ever and gave myself some crazy whiplash. So, it looks like I'll be spending today not turning my head too far to the right or left and not bending over. Who gives themselves whiplash from sneezing?!? Oh, that's right...I do!

Ultrasound tomorrow...yay! We should be able to see arms, legs, head, and body at this one (as opposed to the blob we've been seeing at the ultrasounds). The baby was 1.1 cm at the last u/s and should have tripled in size by now to over 3 cm. Can't wait to see the little bean!

Side note: I can't stand Rachel Ray anymore with all her GBs and Yum-Ohs and Sammies.

I can honestly say that quitting smoking was one of the most difficult things I ever had to do. I quit on January 1, 2007, cold turkey, after 4 years of smoking. I was sick of it. I hated doing it. I hated smelling like it. I hated coughing in the middle of my sentences. I hated having to make time in my schedule for a freaking cigarette, and I especially hated trying to gather pennies so I could buy another pack.

I went through weeks of hell--luckily, Hubs was driving semi at the time and gone for weeks at a time. I would snap at my students, freak out about the dumbest things, sleep, sleep, and sleep, and I also worked out to keep my mind off it (lost 25 pounds, most of which I've gained back in just this last summer, though, ugh!). Having been through it, I KNOW how hard it is to quit. I KNOW what it feels like to be ready to chew your lip off just to have something to do with your mouth. I know you feel like crap while you're going through it, but...I did it. Every day, I told myself, "Just one more day. Make it one more day, and you'll be ok." And every day, I made it just one more day. I did it. I no longer feel any desire AT ALL to smoke.

Hubs, however, has smoked for as long as I've known him (7 years), and from what I hear, he started smoking when his mom started buying his cigarettes when he was 15. I've bugged him every now and then about the amount of money he wastes on cigarettes, and I've discreetly reminded (ok, nagged) him what we COULD be doing with the money he drops on his pack-a-day habit. But, I've always known that he would quit when he was ready. I've trusted that he would eventually quit, because he would see the VALUE in quitting.

This week was his third time trying in the last couple of months. The last 2 times, he made it to day 3 with the Nicotine patches before he caved and smoked again. This week, he made it halfway through day 4 before caving. The thing that pisses me off about his caving is his need to buy A WHOLE CARTON when he caves instead of just getting a pack, he buys a WHOLE CARTON!! So, it's as if he just wasted the last 4 days to do it all over again.

I'm definitely not anti-smokers. I don't care what other people do with their bodies, but I wish he would just make a decision and quit. Sheesh!

I always thought I'd be one to jump all over the epidural bandwagon. I thought I'd be screaming for drugs the minute I felt any pain. Today, for the first time, I started seriously thinking about not having the epidural or getting the epidural put in but having no drugs unless I absolutely felt like I would die.

So, I am doing research into the "no intervention" childbirth thing. TRUST ME--I'm not considering this to win any awards or anything. I'm not interested in getting a cookie for a "more painful" experience. If I decided to go with no interventions, it would make me no more or less of a woman than any other lady. Nor am I a hippie who chooses to go "natural," I could honestly care less about all of that.

Here's some reasons why I am seriously considering it...
1) Millions of women for thousands of years have been doing it without the epidural and have been fine.
2) The pain will pass.
3) After the birth, women who do not have an epidural are able to get up and move around within a couple hours.
4) I won't feel doped up during the experience.
5) Many women who have a no-intervention delivery have repeat no-intervention deliveries for future children (it must be worth it!).

I've got some time to do some research. I think I just want to be open to the possibilities. I definitely don't want to just jump all over that epi at the first sign of discomfort.

I've always had to eat after school "snacks." But, as of last Monday, my NEW FAVORITE after school snack is a baked potato. Yum :::drool::: It doesn't even matter what's on them...butter, sour cream, cheese, ketchup, or any combination of them. Yum, yum, yum.

Just a short update today, as I am completely out of energy. I've decided I do have morning sickness, it's just not the "waking up and puking" type. I'm having a difficult time eating certain things (like bread and cereal...grainy and dry stuff). When I eat them, I feel like I'm going to gag. I can't eat breakfast, so I just drink a big glass of OJ. The things that have the WORST affects on me are smells. Smells make me want feel like I'm going to throw up (though I never do). Our school sometimes has issues with a sewer smell circulating through the vents and into our classrooms. This happened on Friday and I just thought I would die.

Quick note...I felt so bad on Thursday because hubs got up at 6am JUST to make me breakfast and I couldn't stomach it. I was almost in tears when I looked at him and said, "I am SOO sorry, but I can't get this to go down." I felt awful.

...it hit me all at once that this pregnancy could have easily not happened. I remembered how hopeless I felt that last cycle knowing there was no way we could continue to pay for those expensive cycles. My infertility has given me so much appreciation for this pregnancy. I am so blessed to be able to get pregnant, and trust me, I now know how lucky I am (having gone through the procedures and knowing people who struggled much more than I).

I am so blessed for this 160bpm baby.

We saw the one beautiful baby still, with a big strong heartbeat of 160bpm!! That second sac is still there, but we sill couldn't see anything in it. It took A LOT of deep, painful pushing and digging to see anything today, though. Dr. M. said the second sac is "probably not" a baby, but could be a vanishing twin (an egg fertilized, implanted, and failed to grow). He said we will still keep an eye on it at future appointments, though.

It's hard not to be hopeful when there is still a chance, but I am still perfectly PERFECTLY content with the wonderful single baby we're already being blessed with!!!

Tomorrow is the ultrasound, and we are both so nervous. We've spent the last week and 2 days wondering whether we are having twins or not. It's hard not to start thinking, seeing, and saying "doubles" after seeing those two, beautiful sacs in there. It's even harder not to think twins when the RE herself couldn't tell us for sure one way or another. It's been a stressful week of waiting, and I've caught myself saying "the babies" or "when they come" several times. Way to put the cart before the horse, Christina.

To be sure, though, we will not be disappointed if there is only one. One baby was our goal all along. Two babies would just be an extra little joy.

All this waiting has made me very cranky. I'm cranky with the students, annoyed all the time. My classes seem to pass so slowly when I'm obsessing about time going faster. The kids are still pretty decent, but I feel like I'm always annoyed by them. It's an awful feeling, because it makes me think I don't like my job anymore or something, but I know that's not the case. It's just that I have so many other things going on in life that I'm enjoying so much more than being a teacher!!! I'm sure that by this time next year, everything will be fine, and I'll remember how much I love what I do.

Yesterday was our reunion in Kentucky. Most people didn't even recognize my grandma because of what the cancer has done to her body (not to mention her long hair that was always tucked into a bun). She's such a wonderful, amazing lady...

Seriously, can I just get an ultrasound? My next one isn't until Monday at 3:45 and I'm DYING to see if it's one baby or two and to make sure the baby/babies is/are ok and have a strong heartbeat!!! I'm so anxious that I'm starting to get bitchy and cranky. I keep finding myself thinking, "My job is driving me nuts," but I know it's just my total impatience making me cranking.

I have a bad feeling the next 8 months or so will consist of me simply living until the next ultrasound. Sheesh!

Anyone check out Vampire Diaries tonight on the CW? Mmmmmmm.....It's like a weekly dose of Twilight.

I'm actually 6w6d today, my ticker is off by one day. Apparently, my days change on Thursday because of the trigger shot I received.

I'm still feeling pretty good. After that one weird bout of morning sickness on Friday, I haven't had much of anything except extreme aversions to food. For instance, I didn't eat anything last weekend because 1) Nothing sounded good, and 2) When I would eat, I couldn't swallow it without gagging. Bread and grains are especially not on my list of things to eat right now as the very thought of chewing them makes my stomach turn. Dry food is also on my no-no list.

Because of this, whenever I get a "hankerin" for something, we go get it since it's probably something I can eat. I was dying for some chili cheese fries on Sunday, so we went and got some because I hadn't eaten much throughout the weekend. This morning, I was desperately craving some fruit, so I stopped by Meijer to get some on the way to work. I guess you do what you have to do when you're starving and nothing sounds or feels edible.

But, I still haven't been getting sick. I think the food issues are just all in my head...but they're severe enough that they are affecting my ability to eat. I guess if I had to choose between food aversions/lack of eating and vomiting, I'd go with the aversions.

Sleep is also at a premium. I'm up to a ridiculous 3.5-4 hour nap every day after school and back in bed by around 9:30. Hubs thinks I'm lazy; I know I'm pregnant.

I wish there was more to report, but I got nada...

Oh, "So You Think You Can Dance" is back on tonight :)

Some of you have probably been wondering how my g-ma is doing, since I haven't talked a whole lot about her situation recently. The truth is...things are not going so well for her right now.

The last couple of weeks, she has been unable to have her chemo treatment because her red blood cell count was too low. It was a 7, normal is 13. After being off work last week for 3 or so days, and spending the majority of those days in bed, my mom finally called g-ma's doctor to ask them about doing the blood transfusion they talked about a few weeks prior. My g-ma (not knowing my mom had also called) called the cancer doctor to tell them she's feeling very low--sad, depressed, unable to sleep. The cancer doctor (Dr. S.) brought her in on Friday for a blood draw that revealed her red blood cells are still very low and unchanging (at a 7), and decided it was time to do the blood transfusion.

9 hours at the hospital, and g-ma has brand new blood as of Friday evening. All the more reason why we should all be blood donors--it's the least we can do to help save someone's life. Thinking she would feel like a million bucks in only a couple of days, g-ma thought she would be all set to finally receive her chemo today.

Today, g-ma still stayed home from work. Last night, she was in tremendous pain. She told my mom she almost called her really late last night so she could come over. Dr. S. told g-ma today they should, again, not do another treatment right now, and should, instead, go forward with a CAT scan to see what is going on. He thinks her liver is no longer responding to the treatment, and her future treatments will depend on the outcome of the scan--the results of which we will not get until Monday, the same day we have our ultrasound and see our beautiful baby/ies.

Until this point, it had never really crossed my mind that my g-ma wouldn't be here next year. I've always thought she would make it until at least June/July of 2010, because she always seemed to look good and, though tired, feel good. As days progress, I can't help but see my timeline for her future get shorter and shorter. Some days, I don't see her making it until the baby is born; some days, I don't think she'll make it until January; sometimes, I wonder if she'll even make it until our big family trip to Myrtle Beach this Christmas; and sometimes, I wonder if the birth of Alexis' second child is set to be the doom of yet another of my family members. G-ma looks bad. She missed a lot of work this last month or so. She's lost around 10 pounds in two weeks. She's talking about not being able to drive anymore--something my grandpa started talking about 1.5 months before his death. I'm starting to feel like it's all just a matter of time now.

My g-ma is one of my best friends. I've had HOURS long conversations with her on our many, many road trips alone to West Virgina, Kentucky, and Georgia. I was there with her through some of her most recent tough times--like when she lost her sister in Georgia and we were only 11 miles away from the hospital. My grandma always says that she loves hanging out with my mom and I because we keep her laughing forever. G-ma was one of our biggest supporters while we were TTC--no grandma should ever know as much about her granddaughter's sex life as my ultra-conservative g-ma knew!!! I could never ask for a better grandma in my life than the one I grew up two doors away from. My heart aches to think that this will be the way this world ends for her--another wonderful, devout human being crushed by a disease beyond her control.

I haven't pictured my life without her. It's almost equal to trying to picture my life without my own mother--I just can't. It hurts too much. I want g-ma to hang on; I'm silently begging for these treatments to work, but at the same time, I'm begging for her not to go the way my g-pa did.

Please, keep us all in your thoughts...

Off to shop for baby stuff with my mom. Yeah, it's early, but I'm dead-set on this pregnancy not ending in a miscarriage. It's just not going to happen.

Ok, let's start from the beginning....I got up this morning, feeling ok, a little hot, but ok. I had to take a cold shower because I was pretty warm. When I got out of the shower, I was cold, but was sweating bullets like crazy--one of those insane cold sweats, but worse. It was dripping down my face. I started to get a little nauseous standing at the counter to brush my teeth, so I sat on the side of the tub. I started thinking, "This is it. I'm gonna puke. I've got morning sickness." After about 10 minutes of sitting there, I got REALLY HOT and decided I HAD to make it to the bedroom to sit in front of the fan. This is where all the trouble started.

I stood up, and by the time I reached the bathroom door, my vision started to turn black. I couldn't see anything. I stumbled against the walls of the hall trying desperately to make it to the bedroom before I fell over. Somehow, I ended up in the doorway to our office. I knew that's where I was standing, but I still couldn't see anything and I was still stumbling everywhere. Then, my whole body started to convulse. My arms were flailing against either side of the door jam. I kept thinking, "Get your hand on the door so you don't fall! Get your hand on the door!" But, as I tried to raise my hand, it just kept flailing everywhere.

Finally my sight came back enough for me to stumble back to the bathroom (again, hitting the walls super hard along the way). I started screaming, "Nathan! Nathan! Oh my God! Nathan!" and he came running upstairs. At some point, I fell to my knees and started crawling. When I got to the tub again, I hoisted myself up to sit on it. Nathan came into the bathroom and I told him he needed to take me to the emergency room; I thought I was having a seizure or a stroke or something. Finally, I got sick...ah, precious release. As soon as I puked, I was ok. No more blacking out or dizziness.

Regardless, I called the RE this afternoon and they wanted me to get in there today at 2:15. So, we went. They ran as many tests as an infertility doctor can, and then did the ultrasound.

The sweet, sweet ultrasound...

First, she looked at my ovaries, which are HUGE!!! A fully-mature follicle is about 20mm, I have cysts in both my ovaries that are around 38mm big!!! She said it's no wonder I've put on 5 pounds, had the cramping issues, and can't fit into my jeans already. Unfortunately, there's nothing they can do for those now. I just have to wait them out, but she said they would go away eventually.

Then, she looked at my uterus, and there was a sweet, sweet circle (or two, more about that in a minute) with a baby bean inside. We got to hear the baby's heartbeat and even see it on the screen. I wish I wasn't so sick, because I would have been so much more excited. What a beautiful little heartbeat--we're not fully out of the woods for miscarriage, but our risks are significantly lower (like 5-10% chance).

About that second circle...it kept popping up a little ways away from the for-sure baby. She said it was DEEEP in my uterus and pushed so hard to try and see it that I thought I would pee!! She couldn't say for sure yet if it was a second sac, but she said it is very possible. She said though my beta numbers weren't exorbitantly high, it is possible that a second egg implanted late, which wouldn't affect my betas when they were originally taken (early). Both Nathan and I kept thinking we saw a white spot against the side of the second sac, but the doc said it is too early to say yes or no on it. Even the possibility is amazing!!!

This whole process is so wonderful. Even when I was going through hell this morning, I was so happy to know that it's the result of a baby inside of me :) I'm going to be a mother, and Nathan is going to be a fantastic father. How insane!