Confessions of a Blogaholic

Dear Uterus,

There comes a time in every woman's life when baby-making is on the brain. That time has been the past 15 months for me. My biological clock is frantically ticking. I smile at babies; I stroll through baby stores and baby departments; I look at cute baby clothes; I picture babies packed snuggly into their car seats in the back of the new Jeep I bought specifically for babies! I do everything every other woman who wants to be a mom does in preparation for that little one.

Instead of assisting me on this path, you have chosen to be a bitch. Now, don't take too much offense to that---I understand, I have mistreated you in the past. I've complained about your natural processes (or lack thereof), and I've moaned about some of the ungodly cramps you've gifted to me. So, maybe I deserve a little apathy on your part. But never, and I mean NEVER, have I had to sit through as much pain as I have during these "procedures" to check and make sure you're functioning correctly.

For instance, today, during the HSG, I was hoping to find a blocked tube or something. Something to justify your lack of cooperation with me in my baby-making pursuits. But, when the X-ray tech passed the X-ray machine over my dye-filled, swollen, pain-stricken uterus, there you were on the X-ray screen, smiling slyly and oh so menacingly perfect in response.

I need you to help me out here. I need you to get yourself together and understand that I have a whole life left for you to torture me. All I'm asking for is 9 months of your time to create, house, and nourish a baby. All I need is just a little participation on your part in putting this together--all the pieces have been perfectly aligned, and I just need you to seal the deal. Help a sista out!!

In highest regards,
Anxiously Awaiting Your Cooperation

________________________________________________________________________

Dear Realtor,

You are pissing me off. Why is it that I haven't heard from you now since last Thursday? I'd be stupid to think that there are NO HOUSES out there that match our requests. Then again, I guess you'd have to talk to us to find out what our requests are.

Let me remind you how your job works. See, you get PAID when you get us into a HOUSE and the contract is CLOSED. You DON'T GET PAID if we either 1) Don't get a house, or 2) Decide to go with another realtor. Yes, that's right. At this point, we are very close to sacrificing the $1,000 we get from Lifestyle for using you simply because you are too busy to do your job correctly. What's that???? You can't remember how to do your job?? Well, let me tell you....you find us houses (WE are NOT SUPPOSED to find houses for OURSELVES--THAT is YOUR JOB!), you take us to see houses that fit our needs (You MEET us at these houses, we do not PICK YOU UP and DRIVE YOU to them!!!), you give us suggestions on offers to make (You don't just say, "Well, whatever number you feel comfortable with!"), and YOU keep in contact with US until we successfully find a home. Going a week without any contact is a sign of a BAD REALTOR.

And let me tell you something, lady. You can sit in my backseat while we're driving to look at homes and fiddle with your Blackberry and tell us how oh-so busy you are and how it's so hard for you to find the time to balance everything in your life. BUT LET ME REMIND YOU---Those of us who don't carry Blackberries are JUST AS BUSY!! I don't have the time to do YOUR JOB for myself. YOU picked YOUR JOB. Noone picked it FOR YOU....

So. Do your damn job, or I fear we aren't going to find a house.

Signed,
Annoyed

In the second most painful procedure of my life (the HSG), we found out that I do not have blocked tubes. Yipee!! The procedure was simple: insert speculum, insert catheter, shoot dye, wait for doctor, place X-ray machine, look at picture, and *BAM* the dye went through to the ovaries--voila! Open tubes!

On the plus side, this is one more step out of our way to babydom. We now know there is no "physical malfunction" of the tubes preventing pregnancy from taking place.

On the not-so-plus side, if the IF continues, this means something else may be standing in our way.

Next step...SA on Thursday morning. One more step out of the way.

BOO TO CLOMID CYSTS, and BOO to having to take a cycle off. That's right, cysts on both ovaries. I can do nothing more strenuous than a light walk for the next month.

Yay to getting a semen analysis and an HSG on Tuesday of next week.

BOO to having to have an HSG. I have heard it is as painful as if not moreso than the biopsy, and I will die if it is like that. Grrrr.....

YAY to the fact that missing this cycle puts my potential maternity leave that much closer to next year's summer vacation. I could sooooooooo go for having 16 weeks off with a little one.

BOO TO IF!!! You suck! I hate you.

You know who you are.

I have to tell you how truly and utterly heartbroken I am for you. There are no words to make you feel better, but I have to try. I wanted so badly for you to be successful...for selfish reasons, I needed you to be successful to make my own situation feel like it will work out. I needed for it to happen for you so that I could feel better about my IF. I needed to know that no matter what, it will be possible if I just keep trying and persisting. But mostly, I wanted you to be successful for you...you deserve to be happy and satisfied and to experience all the wonderful things being a mother has to offer. You are a mother to 180 other people's children a year, and I desperately need to believe you will get to be a mother to your own. The world doesn't work when people who deserve good things can't have them. I am tearing up as I write this because there aren't enough words to tell you how badly I wanted this for you.

There already IS something wrong in a world where IF happens to such good people.

I know I'm not the only one who was there with you each step of the way. I was pulling for you more than I was pulling for myself. We were all pulling for you, and we are pulling for you in whatever you do next.

Please know that you are truly an inspiration. The huge outpouring of support you know where is proof of that. We all love you and hold your situation so dearly to our hearts. While we will never be able to share in your feelings exactly, we all know what that constant disappointment and heartbreak feels like, and we all understand the yearning you have been feeling for so long.

Please know...I don't look up to you just because you were my teacher. I look up to you because you give me so much hope. Your determination and persistence is what gets me through each negative. Your strength is what finally gets me out of bed when I "check out" at the end of each cycle. You will never know how much our conversations have pulled me through over the last few months. I am just so, so, so sorry for the awful sadness you have been dealt through these last few years.

For having no words, I sure said a lot...Let me know if you need anything. My heart goes out to you.

Today was D-day. The day I should have either gotten a + or AF. But, lo and behold, I got nothing. I got a negative on the HPT, and I've got no signs or symptoms of AF. This time last cycle, I had already had AF for two days and "spotting" for 3 and "major cramps" for about 4-5 days. This time...nothing. Nothing at all.

So, I call the RE and he says to give it a week. I can continue testing during that time, but I should call them if AF shows up. If not, I will have to go in next Monday for u/s to check for cysts and b/w to confirm that I'm not pg.

All of this does two terrible things to me....
1) Gives me hope and optimism that I probably shouldn't have. Is it possible that I could still get a +??
2) Gives me even more hope that I can't put too much stock in HPTs. I mean, if the RE would want to do b/w just to confirm that the HPTs are false, wouldn't that mean that HPTs can sometimes mess up???

I'm so confused about what is going on!!!

Friday night, I went to sleep at 1am and slept until 1pm Saturday. Then, I went back to bed at 2pm and slept until 7pm. Then, I went BACK to bed at 11:30 and slept until 9:30 this morning.

Today, I fell asleep on the couch at 3pm and just woke up again at 7pm.

WTF?

And this hasn't been that restless, I'm getting a headache, painful, gross sleep; this has been incredibly deep and restful, "I can't wake up if I tried" sleep! I have some monster bags under my eyes, though.

And before you say it...I got another BFN this morning on the HPT.

Today is 12dpo. Realistically, I only have 2 days left for a positive HPT. On the bright side, I still haven't had all the cramping and PMS symptoms I had at the end of last cycle. On the not-so-bright side, I have had slight cramping the last couple days that I would say is located in the front of my u and my left ovary==PMS? I'm neither feeling sad nor excited about these next two days. In fact, I'm pretty convinced that this cycle is yet another BFN. So, to prep myself for the (inevitable?) BFN, I'm going to give myself a little public pep-talk.

Sucky things about getting a BFN...
--Knowing that I have to do it all again
--Restarting my cycle day count
--Having to cringe when I'm around pg people and/or women with their children
--Taking MORE 1/2 days from work for u/s and b/w
--Still not being able to hang out with Alexis because of intense jealousy and unbelievable sadness for myself :(
--Necessity in buying even more HPTs (I should really buy stock in First Response)
--Waiting, waiting, waiting
--Feeling that unbelievable sadness and disappointment that results from constant BFNs
--Hearing an eerily similar unbelievable sadness and disappointment in my mom's voice when I have to call and tell her the news (or lack thereof)

Things to look forward to (and be happy about) with a BFN...
--Being able to go to Cedar Point with Nate's work on May 30
--Possible changes in my "protocol" because of my "slow response" to Clomid
--If I get pg in another month or two, my maternity leave will coincide with summer vacation and I'll get 3.5 months off (PAID!!!)
--Future cycling appointments will happen in the summer
--Still no morning sickness
--Another possibility for twins
--More time for Nathan and I to just be us.

There were definitely more negatives than positives. Damn. It's ok. I promise, I will totally be ok this time if I get the BFN.

We are taking Stink to yet ANOTHER vet! He ripped half of his face and all of his chin hair off within the last few days; he's started licking (i.e. cleaning) himself for hours at a time again; his ears are filling with goo again. Ugh...what a poor, poor cat.

For those who don't know...we must've adopted the sickest, grossest feline known to mankind. Short of changing his diapers every day, Nathan and I have had to do everything for the monster since we got him 3 years ago. In the last three years, we have:

1) Treated him for 3 months for ear mites (Doctor #1's orders--even though she did 3 ear mite swabs and found nothing!)
2) Bathed him in feline anti-itch dip
3) Been through periods of having to clean his ears daily (not to mention trimming his nails and having to smell his AWFUL poop!)
4) Wait...let me dwell on that poop smell a minute, because I don't think you know how bad it really is. We have to keep the litter boxes in the bathroom because every time he goes, you have to turn the fan on. In fact, it is SO bad that although Nathan originally named him Oreo, we changed the name to "Stink" because it was much more appropriate!
5) Given him fish oil to help with dry skin (in case that was the cause of the itching)
6) From September through December last year, we took him every 2 weeks for a whopping $40 allergy/steroid shot.
7) Purchased the MOST EXPENSIVE limited-ingredient cat food in the universe
8) Put him on a HUMAN IMMUNE SYSTEM SUPPRESSANT (Doctor #2's advice) that hospitals give to patients after they've had an organ transplant to stop his immune system from overreacting
9) Tried to food test him ourselves
10) Switched from good ole' regular cat litter to this "Yesterday's News" brand that literally consists of newspaper pellets.
11) Did I mention that we have to smell his god-awful poop??

I know what you're thinking...That cat sounds like too much trouble. Why don't you just put him down if you're so miserable and he's so sick? Well, that answer is simple...he is the most fun and amazing cat I've ever seen in my life. First of all, he's a HUGE (approx. 20 pounds) baby who loves to sleep curled up right next to me and always greets us like we've been gone for days. He can play catch (and bring the object back, just like a dog), and he purrs all the time. He's fantastic, and we love him. For now, he is definitely worth all the effort.

Let's see what this feline specialist we are taking him to has to say. I REALLY hope she can help without charging us our first-born child!!

EDIT (5-12): Already got the call. We did not get the house. Boo!! Back to the drawing board, but I feel good knowing there are some beautiful houses out there for what we are able to spend!!

We just made an offer on a home. Wow! Talk about warp speed!!

Alright, now that I've had a bit to digest it, let me explain how all of this went down. As some of you know, we missed out on the awesome 100-year-old home in the center of Hebron. We learned quickly that things go on and off the market FAST!!! This market is nut-so with new home buyers. We looked at about 20 houses in the last two weeks, and actually went into 3 of them. 2 of those 3 were the trashiest, nastiest homes we had EVER been in.

Yesterday, I posted about the incredible $166k Dominion home in He.bron that we were "over the moon" about. I can't tell you how insane that house is. It's for sale for $114k. Well, after parting with our realtor, she called us at 10pm to say she had talked to the selling realtor and the house already has 4 offers on it. She said, "If you like it at all, you definitely want to make an offer no later than tomorrow!! This one is a BARGAIN!!" It really is! All the houses around it that have sold recently were sold in the upper $140's, but because this was a foreclosure, it is a steal! Here's a pic...



All of that being said, we, obviously, decided to make an offer. We did not offer what the bank has it priced as...but, I think we made a competitive offer. Now, we wait and see what happens. In our offer, we put that we wanted to close on July 2.

Really warp speed, but the house is fantastic. I would LOVE to live there! If I get a BFP this week AND we get accepted for the house, we will have achieved the American Dream in little over a week. HOLY COW!!

Home--Tonight, we went to three of the 10 houses we looked at yesterday. At this point, we have seen 20 houses and have been inside 3. Of the 3, we found 1 we were over the moon about. This one is in Heb.ron, again, and it is a Dominion home. It's 4 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms, needs a little work as far as flooring and paint goes, but otherwise in awesome condition. It backs to a field that cannot be built on (flood plane area), so it gives the appearance that we have some land. It's really a beautiful house....we may be making an offer, but we're going to take a couple days to decide. LOVE, LOVE, LOVED the house!!

Baby--I'm officially 8dpo and 9dp trigger. I KNOW it's too early to test. I know I shouldn't do it. I know I'll feel better if I don't, but I have 4 tests laying around, and it's going to be hard to make it to Monday. I really need to see a negative, so I can trust a positive...I have had no other symptoms since the random gagging and all-around grossness last week. My bbs haven't been sore, my back has stopped hurting, I have had NOTHING for the last few days, which definitely freaks me out. I had all kinds of symptoms last time, but of course, that came out negative. Ugh...I'm torn. Maybe I'll start testing Thursday? But what if I test tomorrow and get a BFP?? Last time, my trigger was very much gone by 9dp trigger, so shouldn't it be gone today??? I'm at a loss...

So much going on!!!

This sucks.

'Nuff said.

This time last year, Nathan and I had been "Not, not trying" to get pregnant for two months. I went to buy a card for Alexis, despite how much it pained me, because it was her first Mother's Day as a mom. While at the store, I remember getting all depressed that I wasn't pg yet---I was naively of the assumption that getting pg was as easy as 1, 2, 3; I had no idea what the next year would bring.

Anyhow, we were at the store and Nathan said, "Well, happy Mother's Day to you!" I was like, "What? I'm not a mom. You can't say that to me!" He said, "Well, you will be a mom soon, and you will definitely be a mom by this time next year."

Ah (*sigh*) how little we knew...

I. Feel. Awful.

I'm not disillusioned enough to think that I would have pg symptoms at 4dpo, 5dp trigger. No, I'm not. So, please don't think I'm that crazy infertile who looks so deeply into her symptoms as to believe herself into being pregnant. I do, however, feel ABSOLUTELY disgusting this cycle. Let me describe...

Sunday night at 8:30 (O-time at 9:30): I was literally sitting on the couch playing a computer game when I realized how close I was to O-ing. I turned to Nathan and said, "Are you ready? We're about an hour away from O!" I then stood up and felt an almost crippling cramp in a spot of my back about 6 inches above the trigger and 3 or so inches to the right of my spine.

Monday: So much pain in that same spot of my back that I had to stand ALL day at work.

Tuesday: Still so much pain in the same spot that I had to stand, PLUS so much nausea starting around 3pm that I could only eat a few grapes for dinner. The thought of eating real dinner made my mouth get that nauseous, "I'm about to vomit" feeling.

Wednesday: Back pain still (finally got smart and wore flat flip-flops thinking that might help, it didn't) and same nausea.

Today: Back pain is finally subsiding (only coming sporadically throughout the day), still nauseous, new annoyance---gagging. In the 6 years that we have had cats who do disgusting things in their litter box, I have NEVER gagged or even come close to it, but this afternoon, I went to clean the litter box, and I gagged SO HARD I actually turned and positioned myself over the toilet in case anything was coming up. Also, this whole evening, I have been smelling spoiled milk. I have looked EVERYWHERE for anything that could even remotely resemble the spoiled milk smell, and I've found nothing. Yet, still, spoiled milk smell, and if I breathe too deeply, I feel a gag growing in my throat.

I seriously feel DISGUSTING. Not ill, just awkwardly disgusting.

I think keeping busy is the best thing to do during the 2ww. I'm becoming increasingly anxiety-prone to people and their assorted baby news briefs, which is never a good thing. When I sit and think about it, I know this cycle will be harder than the last if it doesn't work. But....I don't want to think about it.

Monday, we go with the realtor to look at our favorite house!!! I feel pretty good about this house, and I cannot wait to get inside the thing!!

Counting down the days.

It is WAY TOO EARLY for anything to be going on baby-wise. I just O'd last night. Starting around 8pm (O time was between 9:30 and 1), I had the most awful pain in my back--a pain I've never felt before. It was on my right side about 6 inches from the trigger injection site. I've read about people having back pain when they O, so I thought maybe that's what it was. I've done NOTHING in the past 4 days that could even possibly lead me to that kind of pain. It feels like the kind of pain you get after you wear high-heel shoes for a really long time and are sore the following day. Today, I woke up with the same awful pain in my back, and I refuse to take anything since I'm holding out hope that this cycle worked. All day today I was in pain. I thought, this can't POSSIBLY still be O pain. There is no way it can last this long. I've never experienced O pain before, though, so I don't know what could be going on. I couldn't even SIT at work today, I had to stand hunched over my little podium all day.

On top of that, I've had some random, short bouts of painful cramping all day. I shouldn't have cramping at all. I'm just wondering if this isn't some weird reaction to the trigger this time. This better not last 2 weeks.

We started with about 10 houses on our list this morning, and were quickly able to weed out about 10 of them. Our favorite, and one we are requesting our realtor to take us to, is...



802 North St in Heb.ron, Ohio. Yeah, it's a little ways out, but that's what we were looking for. Actually, it's only about 25 minutes away from both my work and Nathan's. It's about 100 years old, but has electric heat and central air. It's in Lakewood schools, on which I need to research. It will definitely need some work, but it is priced FAR below its value. We even spent a few minutes talking to the neighbors--very cool. I hope our realtor can get us out there by next weekend.

In other news, one follie didn't grow, so I'm not sure if twins are feasible or not. I had one at 13mm and one at 17mm when I triggered. There is every chance that both will mature enough to "pop" when I O, but we know we will have at least one. Two weeks from now, I should have my answer for this cycle.

Congrats to Kristen for wonderful news at her ER today!!

I'm trying not to get too excited about having two maturing follicles, but I have to admit, having twins would be incredible!

Yesterday morning, before my appointment, I was standing in the shower thinking about a discussion I had had with each of my classes the previous day. We talked about fate and how it plays a role in our lives. I began thinking maybe I am screwing with fate by taking these fertility meds. Maybe the reason I haven't gotten pregnant yet is because it isn't the right time...there are other things to be done first. The things that have happened so far this year (and will happen in the near future) are life-changing, stressful, BIG events: first real teaching job, purchase of a brand new vehicle, purchase of a house. Maybe I haven't gotten pregnant because I am supposed to get these things in order first, and maybe it would have happened naturally at the right time.

Then, I saw those two beautiful follicles on the ultrasound. You couldn't miss the big black spots--beautiful. And I thought...maybe twins (or at least a double shot at a singleton) is my reward for having to wait this long? Maybe I JUST found out about being approved for the house on Monday because I was destined to have twins and I'd need the reassurance of knowing our living situation would be ok. Perhaps this is the exact way that things were supposed to happen.

I am excited about this cycle. I feel incredibly optimistic again. I'm hoping for the best!