Confessions of a Blogaholic

Some of you have probably been wondering how my g-ma is doing, since I haven't talked a whole lot about her situation recently. The truth is...things are not going so well for her right now.

The last couple of weeks, she has been unable to have her chemo treatment because her red blood cell count was too low. It was a 7, normal is 13. After being off work last week for 3 or so days, and spending the majority of those days in bed, my mom finally called g-ma's doctor to ask them about doing the blood transfusion they talked about a few weeks prior. My g-ma (not knowing my mom had also called) called the cancer doctor to tell them she's feeling very low--sad, depressed, unable to sleep. The cancer doctor (Dr. S.) brought her in on Friday for a blood draw that revealed her red blood cells are still very low and unchanging (at a 7), and decided it was time to do the blood transfusion.

9 hours at the hospital, and g-ma has brand new blood as of Friday evening. All the more reason why we should all be blood donors--it's the least we can do to help save someone's life. Thinking she would feel like a million bucks in only a couple of days, g-ma thought she would be all set to finally receive her chemo today.

Today, g-ma still stayed home from work. Last night, she was in tremendous pain. She told my mom she almost called her really late last night so she could come over. Dr. S. told g-ma today they should, again, not do another treatment right now, and should, instead, go forward with a CAT scan to see what is going on. He thinks her liver is no longer responding to the treatment, and her future treatments will depend on the outcome of the scan--the results of which we will not get until Monday, the same day we have our ultrasound and see our beautiful baby/ies.

Until this point, it had never really crossed my mind that my g-ma wouldn't be here next year. I've always thought she would make it until at least June/July of 2010, because she always seemed to look good and, though tired, feel good. As days progress, I can't help but see my timeline for her future get shorter and shorter. Some days, I don't see her making it until the baby is born; some days, I don't think she'll make it until January; sometimes, I wonder if she'll even make it until our big family trip to Myrtle Beach this Christmas; and sometimes, I wonder if the birth of Alexis' second child is set to be the doom of yet another of my family members. G-ma looks bad. She missed a lot of work this last month or so. She's lost around 10 pounds in two weeks. She's talking about not being able to drive anymore--something my grandpa started talking about 1.5 months before his death. I'm starting to feel like it's all just a matter of time now.

My g-ma is one of my best friends. I've had HOURS long conversations with her on our many, many road trips alone to West Virgina, Kentucky, and Georgia. I was there with her through some of her most recent tough times--like when she lost her sister in Georgia and we were only 11 miles away from the hospital. My grandma always says that she loves hanging out with my mom and I because we keep her laughing forever. G-ma was one of our biggest supporters while we were TTC--no grandma should ever know as much about her granddaughter's sex life as my ultra-conservative g-ma knew!!! I could never ask for a better grandma in my life than the one I grew up two doors away from. My heart aches to think that this will be the way this world ends for her--another wonderful, devout human being crushed by a disease beyond her control.

I haven't pictured my life without her. It's almost equal to trying to picture my life without my own mother--I just can't. It hurts too much. I want g-ma to hang on; I'm silently begging for these treatments to work, but at the same time, I'm begging for her not to go the way my g-pa did.

Please, keep us all in your thoughts...