Confessions of a Blogaholic

...so why not?

There are only a few weeks left in my extended summer break, and I can still say I am ready to go back. It hurts my heart to think that I will no longer be with Ry for the majority of the day since the babysitter will she her for like 10 hours a day and I'll only see her from 4:30 until she goes to sleep around 8 :(

This mothering thing is getting steadily easier, but I do sense myself becoming increasingly anxious about things, in general. Let me step aside from this thought to talk about my anxiety issues...

Starting around 6 years ago, I suddenly became a big-time germaphobe. When I think about germs, I see them as like a green aura emanating off everything: peoples' hands, doorknobs, student desks, etc. When people sneeze or cough, it's like I can see a mist of germs shooting all over the place. I honestly think all this started when I first started subbing/teaching and saw the disgustingness that is a high school classroom. Since then, I carry my Purell with me everywhere. I should also point out that buffets are the WORST. Have you ever thought about the innumerable hands that touch those spoons in the buffet line? It's completely disgusting if you think about it.

Over time, I've become slightly less concerned about germs. When it comes to Ry I'm surprisingly not as worried about it. I want her to be exposed to germs so she can build up immunities to them. But I still wash my hands frequently (especially if they feel even slightly dirty, or if I've touched a high traffic object, or if I've been somewhere that seemed dirty), and I still see the green aura when I think about it too much. Some people's dirt doesn't bother me; with some, I hardly think about germs. But with other people, places, and situations, I have a hard time NOT thinking about it.

In the last couple of years, I've also suddenly developed a fear of driving as well as riding in cars. Certain situations in vehicles (someone not slowing fast enough, the thought that someone isn't watching where they are going, traffic, having to merge onto or off of the freeway, switching lanes, etc.) make me so nervous I start to feel like there's a weight on my chest and I can't breathe. Sometimes, I go so far as to drive well out of my way just to avoid an intersection or an anxiety-producing situation. The driving anxiety has gotten worse since Ry because I am paranoid that someone will not be paying attention and will hit me.

Now, back to my original point...I feel anxious about Ry getting bigger. For example, she's maybe got a month or so left in the bassinet because she's only an inch or two away from touching the top and the bottom at the same time. I am not ready to move her into her bedroom yet, especially since I'm still breastfeeding. I'm not ready for her to be so far away. Plus, she looks so little in her crib. Obviously, I can't keep her little forever!

About the whole anxiety thing, yes, I have thought about talking to my doctor, but I'm just not willing to admit that I might need some sort of medication to help get these issues under control. I once heard that exercising 30 minutes a day helps reduce anxiety...now if only I could make the choice to work that into my life, lol.

Yes, I am ready for fall.

Yes, I know it is still awhile away.

No, I am not changing my background until then :)

I am SO TIRED of the way teenagers are portrayed in popular TV shows. Let me break it down for you a little bit...

The Secret Life of the American Teenager: You cannot watch more than three minutes of the show without hearing some reference to sex, oral sex, and having babies. Even the once-modest, uber-Christian characters gave in and had sex several seasons ago. Yes, the basis of the show was the initial pregnancy, but since she had the baby, we've hardly seen the little one. In fact, Amy has been able to continue her life as planned (pretty easily, I should add) because of the help of her family and a plethora of babysitters. Is this real life? No. While I'm not in denial that teenagers have sex (I think the current statistic is 50% of 14 year olds have done so), the fact that unprotected sex by teens is seemingly held as both normal and expected by shows like this exacerbates the problem. If they think it's normal and ok, they will do it.

The Vampire Diaries: First, I should say that I love this show. I love it because I know all of the actors are in their 20's, so I don't feel like such a teeny-bopper watching it. These 20-somethings play high school students, which you know, is fairly normal nowadays; HOWEVER, at every party they attend, they are always drinking. Drinking so much so that it is easy to forget they are playing teenagers. Shows such as this one make drinking seem completely normal, like it's expected at high school parties. I did not drink in high school, and again, while I accept that I am in the minority, I think making drinking look normal exacerbates the problem. It is not only NOT NORMAL for all teenagers to drink, it is also ILLEGAL.

Finally, Pretty Little Liars: This show is definitely my new secret addiction, and it is SUCH a teeny-bopper show! My issue with this show is how bitchy the group of girls is. I have come to my own conclusion that there is no human being worse than a teenage girl. There is something that happens to them that makes them go from "Mommy's little princess" in one moment to "Evil backstabber" the next. Teenage girls are awful. Their drama is awful. Their aggression and inability to control their feelings is awful. However, again, shows like this cause the problem to get worse. Teenage girls who watch this show might think it is completely normal to be aggressive and outright mean to others. Instead of retaining what semblance of emotional control they have, teenage girls might give in to their aggression/emotions completely to be like the girls in this show.

But, I'm also disturbed by shows like Huge, which make it seem like it's ok to be overweight. Unfortunately, normal in the U.S. is overweight these days, and I am a member of this majority. But we hear more and more about 1 in 3 children having diabetes. When that is the statistic, we should be doing everything we can to set better food and exercise standards for our kids. I certainly need to jump on this bandwagon as I should be setting a better example for both my students and Rylee. Shows like Huge make obesity look ok. They make fat seem normal and fun. Shoot, if I want to go hang out at fat camp over the summer I have to be fat, right? Why not eat that extra Twinkie.

Basically, I'm just saying it's no wonder we can't get our kids to live better, be more self-confident, and treat each other and the rest of society better. There are no good examples of teenagers on television--there is nothing for these kids to base their lives on!

I've started somewhat of a nightly routine with Ry. Every night, she eats at 8pm and is ready to head upstairs at 8:30/9-ish. When we get up to the bedroom (our bedroom as she is still sleeping in the bassinet), she gets a fresh diaper, I swaddle her in a blanket, and she actually pays attention and sits quietly while I read a book (The Very Hungry Caterpillar or Goodnight Moon). I read the book over and over again until she can't pay attention. Then, I put her in the bassinet, turn the vibration and water sounds on, check to make sure the monitor is plugged in, and she falls asleep within five minutes. The whole thing takes about an hour.

Tonight, while going through our routine, I started to think, "I'm never going to have the time to do this once the school year starts! Poor girl, she'll have to go to bed without all of this attention." Suddenly, I had an epiphany! If I stop giving her this attention because of all the grading, planning, and etc. I have to do for my job, then I am putting my job first. If I can't find the time to be her mom because I am a teacher, then teaching is more important than my daughter. And...THAT IS NOT GOING TO BE THE CASE. No longer will I say I don't have time to have a life because I am a teacher. Grading, planning, and etc. can wait--those are my secondary priorities. If I am running out of time and I have to choose between being Mrs. H and being Mommy, Mommy needs to win out every time, and anything that takes me away from being the best possible mom I can be isn't worth my time.

For some, this mindset comes easy, being a mom comes naturally and everything else inherently takes backseat to motherhood. For me, though, I've been driven, motivated, hardcore, Type A my entire life, and being responsible for another person and depended on by that person is a new concept. I guess that's why being a mother makes people put their lives into perspective. There is nothing, absolutely nothing and no one more important than Baby Ry. If ever my actions do not demonstrate this, then it is time to reevaluate and make some changes.

All of my grandparents' property, including the house I grew up in, was put on the market this week as a development or extensive rehab opportunity. I'll come back to this property in a minute.

Mammaw's family reunion was today. Her sister, Shelby, gave a touching speech to recognize all of the people who are no longer, including both my grandparents. I couldn't help but to shed a tear or two wishing they could meet Rylee, wishing they hadn't had to go so soon, wishing I had had just a little more time to show them all I would become as a result of their faith and belief in me.

Shelby has spent some time working on this ginormous family tree notebook. It's literally an attempt at recording our HUGE family: all the limbs, branches, roots, etc. All the way back to my grandma's grandparents.

Back to the property, for a second. As I've said before, there are three houses on my grandparents' land. The house are old...so old that in the original deeds to the property, it explicitly states that the property is not to be sold to "negroes". I'm almost embarrassed typing that, but the deed is a product of the time in which it was written. The houses are as old as the original deed, and they are almost completely dilapidated. There's the house my grandparents lived in, the "blue house", and "1820". All three are about 100 feet apart, and I spent my childhood living in 1820, but running among the three as all were occupied by some portion of my family.

Flash to the reunion...while looking through the family history, I saw that my grandma's mom, Fannie, lived in the blue house WAY back in the day, which first, indicates how long those properties have been in my family, and second, show how important those properties really are to my heritage.

So...family that has lived in my grandparents' house...obviously, my grandparents, my great-aunt and her son, my mom, dad, and I when I was first born ALL lived there at some point. The blue house...my aunt and her daughter, my great-grandma on my grandpa's side and her second husband (before she was moved into a nursing home), my great-aunt and her son, and my great-grandma on my grandma's side (who worked at the nursing home where my other great-grandma was eventually placed). I'm not as sure about 1820, but I know we lived there for 10 years before my grandparents started using it as a rental property.

As I wrote in a blog a long time ago...it is going to be sad to see all those houses go. And now, it is going to be even moreso sad because I know how important that little piece of land has been to my family for some decades. It's weird how a short string of houses on one lonely, dead end street, can be so used by one family.

My mom found my very first EVER diary the other day. I had kind of forgotten that I had it in the first place. I think it starts around when I was 9 years old-ish. The entries are way TOO funny to not post in a blog!

Here's some entries...grammar and spelling errors as written in diary!

"Sep 29, 1991
Today I am very giggley cause it is my Birthday party. I got to be in a parade and throw candy. I played a few games and rides. There was only 7 rides. And no place had a scoter.

School--30
I had to wash Rocky's tools. and I got my very frist scoter.

Oct 3
Today was the sadist day of my life. Sherry Pence had to move. So I rote to her before She left. And when she was there I gave her a hug And said I will miss you. And sarted to cry.

Wedsday 2
Today I went to the laundry mat. And to the gas station to get some milk and I met a girl named May she Was 8 too so I played with her untill We had to leave.

Friday 4
6:00-9:00
70+50+120+40=150, 330<--right I think [I have NO CLUE what this was about!!!]

Nov 2
Today I had too go to my grandma's house because my mom had to go to my school. I just started bowling by my fingers so I only got 55 points. love Chris

N. 3
Today I had to go to church.

Mon. 11
Today I met my boyfriend Billy Uh Oh Ugg And my cousin Sherry came over.

1/18/92
Today is sat. I went to Cosi insted of bowling."

Let me pause for a moment and point out a couple of things...1) Apparently, I didn't know how to write dates, so I kept trying things in case I would get one correct, 2) I'm astonished by the things that were important to me, and 3) beginning with this next entry, I all of a sudden switched to writing in cursive and complete sentences, but the random rambling of these sentences is still equally funny.

"April 18, 1992
Today I am writing because of something very hard to deal with. A divorce. Mom and dad talked with me and Rocky. Dand said "It's not that we don't love you we just think it's for the best." And we got to see his apartment. And I get to cook!"

That should get you giggling a bit. I'll add some more later on :)

That seemed to be my frequently repeated question for Rylee who spent at least 3/4 of her 13 hours awake from 7am to 8pm crying and/or screaming her head off. Today was just one of those difficult days when you can't quite tell what's going on, but you definitely know something is not going well.

The day started with a trip to Mom's to let the dog out. Easy enough.

Then, a stop at M&E with Kristen, which was AWESOME!!! Love getting to hang out with her and hear all the excellent things going on in her life. I would hope to someday be friends with some of my students the she is with me, but I think I lack that super caring and compassionate gene that she exhibits so naturally. Halfway through lunch, Ry decided it was time to go all baby-style on me and cry. This was just the beginning of her crazy crying day.

2:40 was her 2-month doctor's appointment. At 23 inches, she is in the 75th percentile for height, and at 12 pounds 12 ounces, she is in the 90th percentile for weight (which the doc said is to be expected when they're so long). Ry got her first round of shots, and it nearly broke my heart to hold her arms while they were administered. I turned her little smiling face away from the nurse and toward me, and I kissed her little chunker cheeks throughout the process. I might have found my reaction and my attempt to soothe her embarrassing in a past life, but with Mommydom comes a loss in the sense of embarrassment; I could think of nothing except soothing her while she screamed. Poor, poor baby.

From there, the crying was basically nonstop. She was so, so, so tired, but she couldn't sleep. I think her little thighs were tender from the shots...She pretty much cried from 4:30 when we got home, until 8:30 when she finally fell asleep.

Then, I ate way too many marshmallows and pieces of Hershey's chocolate in an "I'm only going to eat one...Ooops! Where'd the whole bag go??" fit.

You know what? The day is over. The crying is done. My baby is soothed and sleeping. I am still a good mommy, and I still love her sweet little cheeks.