Confessions of a Blogaholic

I just saw that my last post was OCTOBER 27!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe it!!!!

I have a confession, though. I'm tired of the internet. Literally, I am internetted out. The endless droning of complaints and whining on Fac.ebook have led me to hide approximately 90% of my "friends," I'm no longer interested in online news (I don't have the time for it), and I've made it my mission to stay far, far away from my work email when I'm at home. I think I open my computer once a week or so and spend the rest of my time pursuing more purposeful pleasures, lol.

"What are these purposeful pleasures?" I hear you asking yourselves (all 3 of you).

First, my Noo.k. We bought one a few weeks ago, and I have become a reading MACHINE. While Ry whittles away on her neverending vat of toys, I lay back on her bean bag and read, read, read. Three things I LOVE about the Noo.k. I can sample pretty much any book before I read it, and some samples are like 50-60 pages long. Ah-mazing! Plenty of time to decide I hate a book. Second, I love that you can download digital books from the library (which you apparently cannot do on the Kin.dle). That has given me access to so many books--and I don't have to buy them! Three, every Friday, B&N gives away free books. This past Friday, I got Gulliver's Travels for free. What I've read/am reading: Percy Jackson and the Olympians Series, American Rust, The Kindly Ones, Chelsea Handler's books, Mockingjay (finally), and Gregor the Overlander (a second series by Suzanne Collins, author of The Hunger Games series). My Noo.k has made books so much more available to me, and I love finally being able to read.

Whoops! Baby woke up, will continue this afternoon (hopefully)

*Down for a second nap, post continued...*

Other than reading (and the obvious parenting business, which I'll mention in a moment), I've been keeping very busy with work. I'm the building lead for this huge project/initiative/district overhaul we are working through right now. On the positive side, I love doing it. I am completely interested in all the training, the decision-making, the afterschool webinars and commitments, and the loads of additional education-oriented reading I am doing. Also, this whole experience and the next 5 or so years of implementation will look FANTASTIC when I go to apply for a doctoral program. On the not-so-positive side, I'm not getting paid any extra for all my efforts. But that's the nature of the education beast...we all bust our butts for free just to hear taxpayers complain about how much money we make.

Parenting....The little lady is keeping me MORE than busy. Chasing her around, fighting for naptime, run, run, run, go, go, go. I can't wait to have more of her around.

Posing with a teddy bear.


Loving her mommy (mid-cough)


And cheesin' like the adorable baby cake she is turning into!

You are still in my thoughts. I loved both of you more than I ever could have put into words, which is a lot to say for someone who seems to have such a large vocabulary. When I'm alone, in those rare moments that I am alone, I frequently find myself thinking about you and wishing you were here. I find myself still crying over the great-grandparents Rylee will never have, the conversations we'll never have again, the dinners at Hometown that will never happen, the phone calls I'll never be able to place, the accomplishments I'll never be able to tell you about, the advice I'll never receive, the games of Jeopardy and Spin the Wheel that I'll never be able to compete against you on, the pictures that will never be taken, the smiles I'll never see. My heart still hurts when I think about all the "what used to be's" and the "what could have been's."

I miss waving at you from a few hundred yards away, waiting at your house to catch the bus in the morning, looking in the windshields of the school buses and wondering if you are driving (something I still do involuntarily), smelling the food you were cooking in your kitchen, microwaved, frozen donuts on Sunday mornings on our way to Sunday School after spending the nights on Saturdays.

It's funny...I even miss the little, tiny details about both of you--Mammaw, the way your incredibly blue eyes (that Mom, I, and Rylee ALL have!) when you were happy, the way you talked when you took your dentures out in the evenings, the house slippers you always wore, the way you said "hello" which sounded more like a "ya-ellow" when you answered the phone, how you would read Women's Day magazines in bed when we stayed over, "Oh, piddles," your neat, precise handwriting, the way the skin on your hands looked when I pulled on it during Sunday School, the mints you always had in your purse, how SLOW you ate food :) Pappaw, the way you used to smile with those 4, then 3, then 0 teeth, the glasses you always carried in your shirt pocket, how you would ask me to spell a word--the way you beat me at Jeopardy every time, the way you said "Christine" and "Hey girl!" when I walked in the door, the way you used to warn "You have to finish high school and don't get pregnant!", your potato pancakes, mixing Orange Drink and Sunny-D, mixing peanut butter and butter, when you would walk down the dead-end street and look up at the trees, the fact that you used that pocket knife for EVERYTHING (skin an animal, cut an apple, open a letter--whatever), how you called me a fish when I swam, that you couldn't keep a secret when you came to pick me up at Xavier knowing I had a car waiting at home.

You guys were more fantastic than I will ever be able to explain...And let me tell you, you would LOVE Rylee. She's funny, has a sense of humor, the funniest giggle, the brightest blue eyes. She's persistent (she'll spend 20 minutes on the floor trying to figure out how to crawl), independent. She will never know what she missed out on.

I miss you both. Love you!

First, a couple pictures.

Here we are about a month ago at a park for Rylee's first EVER swing experience. She loved it (though I was peeing my pants!)



I can't believe it, but this was about two months ago. She is growing too, too fast!



Nathan and I carved pumpkins this year for the first time in 8 years. Note the expression on his pumpkin.



Here's Ry at the pumpkin patch yesterday. Who knew hay looked so appetizing to babies?



Ry sits very well on her own now. I have a couple pictures on my phone I'll have to upload soon. She sits until she chooses to flop over on her belly. She also crawls, somewhat. She puts her head on the floor, walks her legs toward her head, then scoots her face on the ground. She gets into a very ready crawling position (hands and knees), but her arms just won't move for her. It won't be long until we have a mobile baby.

As far as food goes, I am still breastfeeding (which honestly feels like a significant feat because pumping during my conference and lunch periods is sometimes a hassle), but she has also been eating solids for about a month. I homemade a bunch of food--not because we don't have the money to buy the regular food, but because I thought it would be fun to try. Mom has come over a couple times and we've made big batches of sweet potatoes, carrots, squash, peas, and green beans. Ry loves anything that ISN'T green, lol.

In other news, I've joined some pretty ambitious committees at work, which are taking up a lot of time, but I'm not going to complain because I actually enjoy learning about the various initiatives in which I am involved. I have met with my advisor for my curriculum license, which I will have finished by next December, and I've finally found a nice routine, which, when not interrupted by an early-rising baby, affords me a few minutes of peace and quiet, though I have to get up at 5 to get it!

We've done SOO MANY improvements to the house including all new light fixtures on the first floor, very nice dining room furniture (90" long table that seats 8 and a buffet/server!), new fixtures on kitchen cabinets, refinished the blonde mantel to a dark cherry, shelves on the accent wall in the living room, pictures/decor in living room, paint in dining room, curtains in lieu of vertical blinds on big glass back doors--Whew!! We've really been moving on these improvements, but the house really feels like home. I'll certainly be getting some pics up of all that at some point. We absolutely love our house, and it feels more and more like home every day.

I always wondered if people ever reached that moment in life when they truly felt like everything was right, and now I know that moment DOES exist and can last, and last, and last.

I haven't been around much. In fact, I haven't been online much at all. Listening to and dealing with so many other people's issues and hearing their drama always felt like it was bringing me down. (I should say there are some people whose drama and life issues I DO care DEEPLY about, though!) So, I've stayed away. I also haven't had even a moment of time to waste hanging out on the internet, lol. We run, run, run all week and spend the weekends working on the house, hanging out as a family, painting rooms, sitting out by the fire pit (or fireplace now!).

I have to tell you....I have never felt more purposeful, more loved, more a part of the world, more successful, or generally happier than I do now. I am so content. I am so fulfilled. I feel like I'm living up to my purpose in life. At school, I live one part of my life--caring about the kids, loving what I do, teaching them things they need to survive and be productive. At home, I live the other part of my life--taking care of my family, developing this tag-team relationship with Nathan, managing and balancing all the many hats I now wear. I love it all. I love feeling like I'm living the life I'm supposed to live.

I finally feel complete--a whole person. Can't wait for more little ones to roam the homestead :)

Hey all. I'm still around. I'm swimming still, but it's more like a doggy-paddle than a full-on stroke. I know millions of teachers have done this whole work and child thing before me, but I'm still completely perplexed at how they manage it. I feel like I run at full steam ahead from sun up until sun down with hardly enough time to breathe.

I'm trying to work in some kind of exercise plan. Not because of weight or anything (although that is important), but moreso because I need the energy to keep up. I know working out will help keep me energized and feeling good, and if I have to go, go, go every day, all day, then I might as well do what I can to keep myself feeling good.

I've already had to give up dairy. Not because I WANT to (trust me, cheese is one of my favorite condiments, lol), but because my digestive system decided I HAVE to do so (boo to my body parts!). I have a not-so-fun exploratory "procedure" in regions I'd rather not admit to having in a couple weeks because of an issue I've dealt with on a constant basis since I was 16 and have been too embarrassed to ever have addressed. I don't think I can be any more vague, lol.

Not having dairy since mid-August has been...odd. I love cheese, and I definitely love a big ol' glass of moo juice first thing in the morning (not to mention ice cream, yogurt, etc.). It's very odd to have to think critically about what I want to eat and to make a conscious effort to say "No cheese" all the time. Ugh. But, it seems to be helping this decade-long issue I've had, and that's fantastic.

Someone is about to be 27 in a couple weeks. One year closer to 30, whoo hoo!

I'll update again when I've dug myself out of the grading hole I've fallen into.

I am feeling so swamped right now. Not stressed because I'm not facing any real deadlines, but swamped beyond any stretch of the imagination. I feel like parts of me are being pulled and stretched thin like those old Gumby toys that you could pull on. I regret all the times I have ever complained about having too much on my plate because I now know what having too much on my plate feels like. I regret ever complaining about being tired, because now I know what being tired is truly like. I run all day on what little steam I have (fueled by coffee, yo!).

There's this pressure hanging around me that makes me feel like I have to be the perfect ____________ (fill in the blank). I need to be the perfect mom by making sure I spend all my evening hours with Rylee, remembering/taking time/making pumping a priority, bending my wants to meet her schedule (I may WANT to read Catching Fire, but my ability to o so depends on her need to sleep or be fussy!). I need to be the perfect teacher: lessons won't plan themselves, a positive classroom environment depends on a positive teacher, the grading fairy won't make a stop in my class anytime soon. I want to be the perfect homemaker, but cleaning, cooking, and grocery shopping (hell, getting in the shower myself!) take time; time that I can't find anymore. I would like to be the perfect wife, but that went out the window the first week we were married, lol. I am pressure to be the perfect woman: multitasker, preparer, rememberer, planner, organizer, bill payer, the essence of patience.

I'm working so hard to be all of these things, but I'm failing to find the time to complete all the tasks that go along with them. I used to say there wasn't enough time in the day to do everything that needed to be done, but I could still find time in those days to watch TV and take naps. Now, I say, "There isn't enough time in the day," and I truly mean it. I could stay up for 24 hours doing, doing, doing, and by the end of the 24-hour mark, I'd still have a laundry list of things to complete.

Must find balance. Must find balance. Must find balance. Must find myself buried in all these "To-Do's".

Today I was accused by a parent in front of my principal of purposefully and knowingly sabotaging a student's project last year because I hate the child.

Talk about a dagger to the heart.

I'm up at 5:00am every morning now. Ry usually wakes me up once around 3am or twice around 1am and 4:30am each night. I get up, shower quickly, make my oatmeal, and feed the baby for as long as she will eat (usually 40 minutes still). Nate gets up at 6am and comes downstairs to load the cars with all the bags (diaper bag, pump, his laptop, my purse, lunches, his cooler), takes the baby when I'm done feeding her, loads her into the carseat and 4/5 days a week, takes her to the sitter's.

We leave at the same time, and we're both on the road for 40 minutes before we pull in to work.

I work. All day. Love the kids. Love my job. Find myself smiling at every possible chance. When I'm in front of my kids, I am truly happy and fulfilled.

2:52 rolls around, and I finish up grading and copying. No later than 3:30, I pack up my things (pump bag, now-empty lunch bag, purse) and leave to drive 40 minutes to pick up Ry. Pick her up, feel all warm and mushy inside when I see her beautiful face, drive home, pull in the garage between 4:30 and 5:00pm.

Immediately pump then feed Ry when we get home. Make dinner around 5:40ish. Eat at table with hubby and baby on table in her bumbo. Nate clears table, loads/runs dishwasher while I take baby upstairs for bath/wipedown. I put her into a new onesie and feed her again around 7:00pm. By 7:00-7:30, she's desperate to go to bed, so I take her up to the bassinet in our bedroom.

Back downstairs to clean bottles, pack diaper bag, pack pump, pack lunches, and have everything lined up on the island ready to go in the morning. This brings us to about 8:30 when I go up to the office to 1) Check my school emails, 2) Check my Facebook, 3) Check on blogs. By 9:00-9:30, I go to bed.

Those are my days. I now understand why people say there just isn't enough time in the day!!!

Only one weekday left before I return to work. I am so, so sad :(

I already have a parent upset with me (a carry over from last year) and my first meeting (with said parent and my principal) scheduled for next Friday. The third day of school.

And I thought I was going to start off on the right foot....

I haven't even started yet and I can feel my heart breaking at the thought of seeing Ry so little during the week.

First, some pictures...

Here's Baby at 3 months, 1 week loving her bath time. Just 3 months ago, baths were like torture for my little lady, but now she absolutely loves them.



She's got excellent head control now and when she wants to, she will hold herself up for loooooong periods of time.



These last few pictures are from about 2 1/2 months. Here she is finally enjoying her Bumbo. She now loves sitting in it at the dinner table while Daddy and I eat.



Merlot decided she needed to be babied and plopped her behind down in Ry's Boppy.



This WAS Ry's favorite toy and favorite place to be until recently. When we first started using the play gym, she would just lay there and look at the toys. Now, she not only reaches for, grabs, and pulls on the toys, she rolls herself to the side to stick them in her mouth. Her NEW favorite toy and place to be is the walker at her Mammaw's house (pics to come).



On to the business...

This will be my last week home with my baby until next summer (not including vacations like Christmas break that go by too fast, anyhow). I am a complete mix of emotions.

On one hand, I am glad to go back to school. As I've said a bajillion times before, I love teaching, and I can't wait to be back in my classroom. Plus, being away from Ry during the day will allow me to actually and fully enjoy the time I have with her in the evenings and on weekends.

On the other hand, I am going to miss so much. For 9-10 hours a day, 4-5 days a week, she is going to be with someone else. Someone else is going to get to watch her grow, feed her, comfort her, and play with her. She's going to be looking into someone else's face when she smiles and laughs.

I'm also a little nervous that going back to work will inevitably lead to the end of my ability to breastfeed. Right now, my schedule at work is totally conducive to pumping, which is awesome. But the few times I've tried to pump at work over the summer when I've gone in (with NO ONE there!), I've been so nervous that someone would unlock my door and walk in on me (despite the "Do not disturb" sign I posted over the keyhole) that I've barely been able to pump anything. It's like pee anxiety--you know, when you go to the bathroom and can't pee because people can hear--it's the same type of feeling. I keep reminding myself, though, that I've already breastfed for a lot longer than most moms are able because of my delayed return to work.

I'm just a mess of emotions right now. I feel like I've been away from the world for the last 4 months--no classes, no work, no meetings, no stacks to grade, nothing. Just me, my home, and my family. In one week, though, it's back to reality. I'm going to miss this little vacation I have had since April 21...

I was reading this book called Teach Like a Champion, and while it gives some great, specific, step-by-step ideas for being a "champion" teacher, I don't think all of the ideas are...hmm--what's the word...the most practical ideas in the world. While I got a lot of great ideas (such as the "No Opt-Out" technique which basically tells you to keep working with a student who is reluctant to answer a question), I don't think these ideas quite match what I was looking for when I wrote a few weeks ago about wanting to be a better teacher.

So, I came to my own ideas for techniques and philosophies to try. I'm going to work on them in small, manageable chunks rather than heaping a whole lot of "new" on myself at the beginning of the school year.

Goal #1: Fix Attendance-Taking Procedures!
I have issues with remembering to take attendance, which is NOT a good thing! I remember to mark tardies, but I forget to mark and keep track of absences (excused or unexcused) and whether or not I am supposed to accept missed assignments for the absence. School policy is that a student who is out on an unexcused absence and fails to turn in an excuse note cannot turn his/her work in for a grade and will receive a 0 for missed assignments. The last couple of years, I've accepted pretty much any assignment without discretion simply because I wasn't doing a good enough job of keeping up with attendance. This year, my goal is to QUICKLY do attendance at the beginning of the period on paper rather than online. I can transfer my paper attendance to the online system at the end of the day or once a week during my conference period, depending on which is easier.

Goal #2: Be Optimistic About Mankind, in General, and More Specifically, Teenagers
I've realized that I always seem to assume the worst about teenagers. For some reason, I ALWAYS assume they are lying to me. When it's an excuse about homework, my first assumption is they are lying. When they tell me sensitive things, I find myself assuming they are lying for attention. This is the wrong way to approach people! There is a very fine line, though, between believing in the honesty and goodness of human being and being taken advantage of. My main philosophical goal this year is to trust in people more. Just because I may have lied about homework or lied/embellished the truth to get attention doesn't mean that EVERY teenager does it. I'm going to work on this from day one.

...so why not?

There are only a few weeks left in my extended summer break, and I can still say I am ready to go back. It hurts my heart to think that I will no longer be with Ry for the majority of the day since the babysitter will she her for like 10 hours a day and I'll only see her from 4:30 until she goes to sleep around 8 :(

This mothering thing is getting steadily easier, but I do sense myself becoming increasingly anxious about things, in general. Let me step aside from this thought to talk about my anxiety issues...

Starting around 6 years ago, I suddenly became a big-time germaphobe. When I think about germs, I see them as like a green aura emanating off everything: peoples' hands, doorknobs, student desks, etc. When people sneeze or cough, it's like I can see a mist of germs shooting all over the place. I honestly think all this started when I first started subbing/teaching and saw the disgustingness that is a high school classroom. Since then, I carry my Purell with me everywhere. I should also point out that buffets are the WORST. Have you ever thought about the innumerable hands that touch those spoons in the buffet line? It's completely disgusting if you think about it.

Over time, I've become slightly less concerned about germs. When it comes to Ry I'm surprisingly not as worried about it. I want her to be exposed to germs so she can build up immunities to them. But I still wash my hands frequently (especially if they feel even slightly dirty, or if I've touched a high traffic object, or if I've been somewhere that seemed dirty), and I still see the green aura when I think about it too much. Some people's dirt doesn't bother me; with some, I hardly think about germs. But with other people, places, and situations, I have a hard time NOT thinking about it.

In the last couple of years, I've also suddenly developed a fear of driving as well as riding in cars. Certain situations in vehicles (someone not slowing fast enough, the thought that someone isn't watching where they are going, traffic, having to merge onto or off of the freeway, switching lanes, etc.) make me so nervous I start to feel like there's a weight on my chest and I can't breathe. Sometimes, I go so far as to drive well out of my way just to avoid an intersection or an anxiety-producing situation. The driving anxiety has gotten worse since Ry because I am paranoid that someone will not be paying attention and will hit me.

Now, back to my original point...I feel anxious about Ry getting bigger. For example, she's maybe got a month or so left in the bassinet because she's only an inch or two away from touching the top and the bottom at the same time. I am not ready to move her into her bedroom yet, especially since I'm still breastfeeding. I'm not ready for her to be so far away. Plus, she looks so little in her crib. Obviously, I can't keep her little forever!

About the whole anxiety thing, yes, I have thought about talking to my doctor, but I'm just not willing to admit that I might need some sort of medication to help get these issues under control. I once heard that exercising 30 minutes a day helps reduce anxiety...now if only I could make the choice to work that into my life, lol.

Yes, I am ready for fall.

Yes, I know it is still awhile away.

No, I am not changing my background until then :)

I am SO TIRED of the way teenagers are portrayed in popular TV shows. Let me break it down for you a little bit...

The Secret Life of the American Teenager: You cannot watch more than three minutes of the show without hearing some reference to sex, oral sex, and having babies. Even the once-modest, uber-Christian characters gave in and had sex several seasons ago. Yes, the basis of the show was the initial pregnancy, but since she had the baby, we've hardly seen the little one. In fact, Amy has been able to continue her life as planned (pretty easily, I should add) because of the help of her family and a plethora of babysitters. Is this real life? No. While I'm not in denial that teenagers have sex (I think the current statistic is 50% of 14 year olds have done so), the fact that unprotected sex by teens is seemingly held as both normal and expected by shows like this exacerbates the problem. If they think it's normal and ok, they will do it.

The Vampire Diaries: First, I should say that I love this show. I love it because I know all of the actors are in their 20's, so I don't feel like such a teeny-bopper watching it. These 20-somethings play high school students, which you know, is fairly normal nowadays; HOWEVER, at every party they attend, they are always drinking. Drinking so much so that it is easy to forget they are playing teenagers. Shows such as this one make drinking seem completely normal, like it's expected at high school parties. I did not drink in high school, and again, while I accept that I am in the minority, I think making drinking look normal exacerbates the problem. It is not only NOT NORMAL for all teenagers to drink, it is also ILLEGAL.

Finally, Pretty Little Liars: This show is definitely my new secret addiction, and it is SUCH a teeny-bopper show! My issue with this show is how bitchy the group of girls is. I have come to my own conclusion that there is no human being worse than a teenage girl. There is something that happens to them that makes them go from "Mommy's little princess" in one moment to "Evil backstabber" the next. Teenage girls are awful. Their drama is awful. Their aggression and inability to control their feelings is awful. However, again, shows like this cause the problem to get worse. Teenage girls who watch this show might think it is completely normal to be aggressive and outright mean to others. Instead of retaining what semblance of emotional control they have, teenage girls might give in to their aggression/emotions completely to be like the girls in this show.

But, I'm also disturbed by shows like Huge, which make it seem like it's ok to be overweight. Unfortunately, normal in the U.S. is overweight these days, and I am a member of this majority. But we hear more and more about 1 in 3 children having diabetes. When that is the statistic, we should be doing everything we can to set better food and exercise standards for our kids. I certainly need to jump on this bandwagon as I should be setting a better example for both my students and Rylee. Shows like Huge make obesity look ok. They make fat seem normal and fun. Shoot, if I want to go hang out at fat camp over the summer I have to be fat, right? Why not eat that extra Twinkie.

Basically, I'm just saying it's no wonder we can't get our kids to live better, be more self-confident, and treat each other and the rest of society better. There are no good examples of teenagers on television--there is nothing for these kids to base their lives on!

I've started somewhat of a nightly routine with Ry. Every night, she eats at 8pm and is ready to head upstairs at 8:30/9-ish. When we get up to the bedroom (our bedroom as she is still sleeping in the bassinet), she gets a fresh diaper, I swaddle her in a blanket, and she actually pays attention and sits quietly while I read a book (The Very Hungry Caterpillar or Goodnight Moon). I read the book over and over again until she can't pay attention. Then, I put her in the bassinet, turn the vibration and water sounds on, check to make sure the monitor is plugged in, and she falls asleep within five minutes. The whole thing takes about an hour.

Tonight, while going through our routine, I started to think, "I'm never going to have the time to do this once the school year starts! Poor girl, she'll have to go to bed without all of this attention." Suddenly, I had an epiphany! If I stop giving her this attention because of all the grading, planning, and etc. I have to do for my job, then I am putting my job first. If I can't find the time to be her mom because I am a teacher, then teaching is more important than my daughter. And...THAT IS NOT GOING TO BE THE CASE. No longer will I say I don't have time to have a life because I am a teacher. Grading, planning, and etc. can wait--those are my secondary priorities. If I am running out of time and I have to choose between being Mrs. H and being Mommy, Mommy needs to win out every time, and anything that takes me away from being the best possible mom I can be isn't worth my time.

For some, this mindset comes easy, being a mom comes naturally and everything else inherently takes backseat to motherhood. For me, though, I've been driven, motivated, hardcore, Type A my entire life, and being responsible for another person and depended on by that person is a new concept. I guess that's why being a mother makes people put their lives into perspective. There is nothing, absolutely nothing and no one more important than Baby Ry. If ever my actions do not demonstrate this, then it is time to reevaluate and make some changes.

All of my grandparents' property, including the house I grew up in, was put on the market this week as a development or extensive rehab opportunity. I'll come back to this property in a minute.

Mammaw's family reunion was today. Her sister, Shelby, gave a touching speech to recognize all of the people who are no longer, including both my grandparents. I couldn't help but to shed a tear or two wishing they could meet Rylee, wishing they hadn't had to go so soon, wishing I had had just a little more time to show them all I would become as a result of their faith and belief in me.

Shelby has spent some time working on this ginormous family tree notebook. It's literally an attempt at recording our HUGE family: all the limbs, branches, roots, etc. All the way back to my grandma's grandparents.

Back to the property, for a second. As I've said before, there are three houses on my grandparents' land. The house are old...so old that in the original deeds to the property, it explicitly states that the property is not to be sold to "negroes". I'm almost embarrassed typing that, but the deed is a product of the time in which it was written. The houses are as old as the original deed, and they are almost completely dilapidated. There's the house my grandparents lived in, the "blue house", and "1820". All three are about 100 feet apart, and I spent my childhood living in 1820, but running among the three as all were occupied by some portion of my family.

Flash to the reunion...while looking through the family history, I saw that my grandma's mom, Fannie, lived in the blue house WAY back in the day, which first, indicates how long those properties have been in my family, and second, show how important those properties really are to my heritage.

So...family that has lived in my grandparents' house...obviously, my grandparents, my great-aunt and her son, my mom, dad, and I when I was first born ALL lived there at some point. The blue house...my aunt and her daughter, my great-grandma on my grandpa's side and her second husband (before she was moved into a nursing home), my great-aunt and her son, and my great-grandma on my grandma's side (who worked at the nursing home where my other great-grandma was eventually placed). I'm not as sure about 1820, but I know we lived there for 10 years before my grandparents started using it as a rental property.

As I wrote in a blog a long time ago...it is going to be sad to see all those houses go. And now, it is going to be even moreso sad because I know how important that little piece of land has been to my family for some decades. It's weird how a short string of houses on one lonely, dead end street, can be so used by one family.

My mom found my very first EVER diary the other day. I had kind of forgotten that I had it in the first place. I think it starts around when I was 9 years old-ish. The entries are way TOO funny to not post in a blog!

Here's some entries...grammar and spelling errors as written in diary!

"Sep 29, 1991
Today I am very giggley cause it is my Birthday party. I got to be in a parade and throw candy. I played a few games and rides. There was only 7 rides. And no place had a scoter.

School--30
I had to wash Rocky's tools. and I got my very frist scoter.

Oct 3
Today was the sadist day of my life. Sherry Pence had to move. So I rote to her before She left. And when she was there I gave her a hug And said I will miss you. And sarted to cry.

Wedsday 2
Today I went to the laundry mat. And to the gas station to get some milk and I met a girl named May she Was 8 too so I played with her untill We had to leave.

Friday 4
6:00-9:00
70+50+120+40=150, 330<--right I think [I have NO CLUE what this was about!!!]

Nov 2
Today I had too go to my grandma's house because my mom had to go to my school. I just started bowling by my fingers so I only got 55 points. love Chris

N. 3
Today I had to go to church.

Mon. 11
Today I met my boyfriend Billy Uh Oh Ugg And my cousin Sherry came over.

1/18/92
Today is sat. I went to Cosi insted of bowling."

Let me pause for a moment and point out a couple of things...1) Apparently, I didn't know how to write dates, so I kept trying things in case I would get one correct, 2) I'm astonished by the things that were important to me, and 3) beginning with this next entry, I all of a sudden switched to writing in cursive and complete sentences, but the random rambling of these sentences is still equally funny.

"April 18, 1992
Today I am writing because of something very hard to deal with. A divorce. Mom and dad talked with me and Rocky. Dand said "It's not that we don't love you we just think it's for the best." And we got to see his apartment. And I get to cook!"

That should get you giggling a bit. I'll add some more later on :)

That seemed to be my frequently repeated question for Rylee who spent at least 3/4 of her 13 hours awake from 7am to 8pm crying and/or screaming her head off. Today was just one of those difficult days when you can't quite tell what's going on, but you definitely know something is not going well.

The day started with a trip to Mom's to let the dog out. Easy enough.

Then, a stop at M&E with Kristen, which was AWESOME!!! Love getting to hang out with her and hear all the excellent things going on in her life. I would hope to someday be friends with some of my students the she is with me, but I think I lack that super caring and compassionate gene that she exhibits so naturally. Halfway through lunch, Ry decided it was time to go all baby-style on me and cry. This was just the beginning of her crazy crying day.

2:40 was her 2-month doctor's appointment. At 23 inches, she is in the 75th percentile for height, and at 12 pounds 12 ounces, she is in the 90th percentile for weight (which the doc said is to be expected when they're so long). Ry got her first round of shots, and it nearly broke my heart to hold her arms while they were administered. I turned her little smiling face away from the nurse and toward me, and I kissed her little chunker cheeks throughout the process. I might have found my reaction and my attempt to soothe her embarrassing in a past life, but with Mommydom comes a loss in the sense of embarrassment; I could think of nothing except soothing her while she screamed. Poor, poor baby.

From there, the crying was basically nonstop. She was so, so, so tired, but she couldn't sleep. I think her little thighs were tender from the shots...She pretty much cried from 4:30 when we got home, until 8:30 when she finally fell asleep.

Then, I ate way too many marshmallows and pieces of Hershey's chocolate in an "I'm only going to eat one...Ooops! Where'd the whole bag go??" fit.

You know what? The day is over. The crying is done. My baby is soothed and sleeping. I am still a good mommy, and I still love her sweet little cheeks.

Last night during my marathon Twilight movie spectacular, I started thinking about something sort of random.

Think back to when you were a kid. Your parents took you to a park where other kids were running around and it would be mere minutes before you were elbows deep in the mud or running around a baseball diamond or chatting it up on the swings with complete strangers (other kids, I mean...not creepy old men or anything weird like that). Making friends and being social is natural for children; all it takes is a moment of commonality and *bam* you have a new friend.

Throughout your years in school, making new friends was as easy as starting a new school year or getting a new class schedule. Each new set of faces brought new opportunities for friendships; at the beginning of the school year, the person assigned to sit next to you may have been a stranger, but two weeks into the class, you were suddenly best buds and hanging out at the movies on the weekends.

College is when these friendships and this ability to make friends starts to wane. Suddenly, you are friends with your peers while in classes with them, but as soon as the final exam is finished, that friendship is over. You have that awkward moment of saying, "Uh...good luck in life. Nice to know you," then that person is gone just as quickly as they showed up.

Once college is finished, it seems like a person's ability to make and keep good friends is finished as well (at least in my life). I have two close friends that I have had since those friendship-foundation years in high school, and that's really about it. I can even feel the closeness of those friendships slipping away now as we all move on with marriages, families, careers, and life. Meeting people at this stage in life is not as easy as just showing up to the park or getting the luck of the draw in class; meeting people takes work and effort. You have to put yourself out there and talk to strangers--and where exactly do you GO to put yourself out there and talk to strangers? So much of social networking is done online these days, and if you aren't one to sit around on chatboards, Facebook, or forums, or if you don't have enough time to devote to building online relationships (and really, who does??), how does contemporary social networking extend to offline friendships?

I guess what I'm saying is I didn't realize how my social life was changing so drastically until I tried taking a Mommy's Night Off and realized I didn't have anyone to call. I didn't realize how much work maintaining friendships was until I started feeling like my closest friends were being pulled away by circumstances (the fact that my husband doesn't necessarily get along with either of my closest friends' significant others doesn't help either..). And I certainly didn't realize how important having a social circle was until I started thinking about what it would take to rebuild one.

45 pounds in 7 weeks.

That is all :)

I knew the time would come eventually; I am ready to go back to school. I'm either going to start back at A.shland in January and take a class or wait and go back next summer to take all the classes I need at once. I have two academic goals that I would like to achieve in the near future...

1) Finish the few remaining classes I have for my Administrative license in curriculum and instruction. What am I going to do with that license in an economy where admin jobs in curriculum are few and far between? I don't know...maybe work for the Department of Education one day? Curriculum and instruction are areas in which I am VERY interested, so having the license would be a step in the right direction.

Once I get 15 semester credit hours (5 semester classes), I get a nice $5,000-$8,000 bump in pay, so I would like to whip all these out before fall of the 2011-2012 school year. "Whipping" classes out used to be sooooo easy for me since I'm such an academic workhorse and love to "play school." But...with Rylee now, I'm not sure how easy that is going to be. I have to find a babysitter and schedule classes around that, my time at home has to be divided between her and everything else that would need to be done (no more 4-hour obsessive compulsive work/study sessions!).

2) I want to find out about auditing some undergrad (or grad if they'll let me) classes in the field of English/Literature--specifically, American Lit. I miss taking classes, reading, and getting to discuss what we read. I miss taking lecture notes and learning new things. Yes, I could do massive amounts of research online to learn new things, but where do you even begin to do that research?? For some reason, I thought once I started teaching there would always be a plethora of other teachers around who would want to read and talk about books, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I don't know anything about the auditing process, but I hope it means I can take the class (maybe at a reduced rate???), participate in the discussions, and not necessarily have to write the papers, take the exams, etc.

I love going to school. I love learning about things I am interested in. I DON'T like doing "professional development" classes/workshops/seminars about things in which I am not interested (particularly "fad" educational workshops that focus on fleeting fad ideas).

You can graduate the kid (twice!), but you can't make the kid stay away from your college or university.

If you're tired of reading the baby news, skip to the second half of this post where I talk about a book I recently read :)
I might finally understand how this "daily schedule with a child" thing works.

Rylee has been showing up for a couple weeks now that she wants to go to bed at 9pm, but I haven't been getting the hint. She usually eats around 8:30pm and until about 2 weeks ago, she would eat again around 12:30am. I would stay up until 12:30 to feed her and then go to bed myself.

When her schedule started changing and she stopped waking up at 12:30 (and started sleeping until 2:30am or 4:30am depending on her level of exhaustion), I didn't notice it. I would stay awake and eventually wake her up to eat around 12:30am.

Last night, Nate and I were tired, so I fed her at 8:30pm (as always) and put her to bed with us. We both fell asleep soon after and she let me sleep 5.5 hours!!

In the mornings, she east sometime around 7am and goes back to sleep until 11ish. Having gone to bed last night a 9pm, I was ready to get up at 7am this morning. So, here I am...enjoying a few hours of Me Time while she finishes up her morning sleep.

Wow! Who would have thought that just listening and paying attention to her cues would make my life seem more enjoyable???

The Last Lecture
In other news, I am thoroughly enjoying this summer. When I have time I am getting a lot of reading done. I finally had the chance to read The Last Lecture, which is a memoir by Randy Pausch. Pausch had been diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer when he delivered his lecture (later becoming the basis for the book) in which he encouraged people to follow their dreams and live a fulfilling and good life. I missed out on reading it in its prime when many, many people were reading it. If I remember correctly, it came out soon after my grandpa died of pancreatic cancer, and I just wasn't ready to read it at that time. Having read it now, I highly, highly recommend it. Pausch had three small kids who, unfortunately, would be left to grow up without their dad, and he delivered his lecture to leave a piece of himself behind for his kids.

What I loooove about literature is the legacy an author/writer leaves. That's part of the reason why I have always kept journals and now, this blog...When I am dead and gone some day, I want something to live on. If I blog, then I existed. My life will always be kept alive through print and people long into the future will know that I was a real person with thoughts, a life, a being. I guess I'm desperate to not be forgotten, and while that was only part of Pausch's purpose in writing his memoir, it's amazing to me that through this memoir he will survive long into the future. In that respect, he certainly outlived his cancer.

I wish my grandparents had left behind legacies of this tangible nature. I wish Rylee had journals from my grandma that she could read and learn from. In the future, my grandparents (as is the case with the majority of people who pass away) will be long forgotten, their existence less than a mere blip in the history of humankind. But books like Pausch's last forever; hopefully, blogs like this will last forever (yes, I'm getting this bad boy printed out into a book at the end of each year, lol), and HOPEFULLYmy experiences will leave behind some legacy of myself.

I'm off the soapbox now, just read the damn book :)

I'm having a bit of a teacher dilemma today. The list of student failures which shows student names, teacher names, and grades went out today, and I saw my name all over that list. All-in-all, out of the 120 students I have in English 9 (not counting my yearbook kids, obviously), almost 10 kids (8%) failed my class either one or both semesters.

Let me tell you what steps I took to help these kids be successful...I called home and spoke to parents who would speak to me; I stayed after school until 9pm on conference nights to be available for parent conferences; I sent letters home to parents who I couldn't reach by phone or email; I gave the kids plenty of work time to do homework, read, write, work, etc.; Our school policy gives them the opportunity to turn work in late for a 60%; I tried to make my lessons engaging and interesting; I kept on kids who were missing assignments or who I observed not working; I moved kids who had low grades to the very front of the class so I could keep a good eye on them; I keep daily up-to-date calendars and grades/tracking missing assignments on our online grading system which both parents and students have access to.

I feel like I try my best to encourage kids, but I will be the first to admit that I sometimes give up. I have a few students who failed my class with 15% and lower. Do I believe they are capable of doing better? Absolutely. But why and how do I keep encouraging them when they don't do anything? There is no worse feeling, I think, than putting myself out there (as the teacher) and telling a kid I want him to be successful and to have that same kid, week after week, sit in my class doing nothing. I am personally disappointed when I see that 8% of my kids failed, and I wonder what I could do any differently. After all, that's all we hear about from administrators, parents, society, and the Federal government, "If kids fail, it's because the teachers are failing them!" So, what is it I can do differently? How do I help these kids learn what I want them to learn without sacrificing my expectations?

Looking forward to next year...I'm trying to figure out what I need to work on for myself as a person to be a better teacher. I know I'm tough, and by tough I mean that tears and excuses fall on deaf ears with me...But maybe I need to be a little more compassionate? Maybe I need to spend more time getting to know the misfits and the outcasts because the "popular", "funny", and "loud/obnoxious" kids tend to gravitate toward me. So, how do I build a rapport with the misfits and outcasts? How do I keep from giving up on those kids who aggravate me when they do nothing in my class? How do I make learning more accessible without giving away the answers?

And the even tougher question...in a 47-period class of 25-28 kids, how do I zero in on the one that needs my help and give him the encouragement/motivation he needs to be successful?

Failures make me feel like I have failed, but I still hold to my conviction that ALL I can do as a teacher is give access to knowledge and education; it is ultimately up to the student to choose to learn. Am I truly giving each and every one of my students the best possible access to what I am trying to teach them? If not, how can I change?

I had my 6-week checkup today and found out that I have lost 40 POUNDS since delivering Little Bit :) I've got about 3 pounds left until I'm at my pre-pregnancy weight, 27 pounds until I'm at my pre-infertility weight, 37 pounds until I'm at my wedding weight, and 77 pounds until I weigh what my BMI says I should weigh. Whatever! I'm just going to be happy with losing so much of this baby weight so quickly!

The midwife asked about how I'm feeling, and I admitted some things to her that I have only really admitted to my friends/Mom/Nathan. Having said them aloud, Becky (my m/w) said I should share these things with other people to help take the mystery out of becoming a mom. I told her no one told me how becoming a mom really felt, and I was convinced for the first few weeks of motherhood that I was the world's worst mother because I didn't feel what I assumed all women were supposed to feel. Apparently, feeling the way I felt (wow, there's a lot of "feel" in the last couple sentences) is more normal than that jaded misconception that women automatically love their children unconditionally and think their babies are the most beautiful, wonderful, magical beings to ever walk the green earth.

Let me take a moment to be honest about my first few weeks of motherhood...

As I've said before, when Rylee first came out, my first two thoughts were 1) What are those birthmarks all over her face and how am I going to hide them for the rest of her life? and 2) Why is she cross-eyed??? I did not love her automatically. I did not feel like I would take a bullet for her. In fact, I was a little disappointed that pregnancy ended that way. Where was my perfect, beautiful, angelic baby? Why was I embarrassed of her "stork bites"? Why did I love her??

For the next few weeks, those feelings hardly faded. I felt miserable like I was failing as a mom and as a human being. Yes, my whole life had changed and I resented Rylee and this new responsibility for that. The difference between this feeling and postpartum depression was that I accepted this new fate, dealt with it, and knew I would eventually feel better about the whole situation, but I would have preferred to be able to maintain my previous life while learning this new life. I still couldn't honestly say that I loved her unconditionally and would take a bullet for her. She was just here, and I was just doing what I was supposed to do. I felt like a horrible mother for thinking this way, but again, I had faith things would eventually get better.

Slowly...as she and I learned to be mother and daughter, the love grew. I feel it growing more and more every day. I feel myself becoming protective, and I find myself frequently marveling at how gorgeous she really is. Sometimes, I still find myself wondering if people actually think she's cute or if they just say that because they don't want to hurt my feelings. Sometimes, I get so frustrated not knowing why she is crying. But I feel so much better now about being her mom. Love, for me, was not automatic; it was slow, and it took time to grow into.

So, I guess what I'm saying to those to-be moms is to take what you hear about motherhood with a grain of salt. Not everyone feels the way it's shown in the movies or on tv. You may not cry when you first see your baby's face; hell, you may actually be angry when you first see it--especially if that little head just ripped your woman parts wide open. But keep in mind that there is nothing wrong with you. You aren't crazy for having not-so-great feelings. You aren't a bad mom, and you aren't going to be one of those mothers on tv who get so fed up and shake their kids or anything. You will have the patience to deal with your frustration, and eventually, no matter how slowly, you will learn to love that baby.

Spread the word and take the mysticism and myth out of motherhood.

If you'll remember from my last post, one of the pros of switching grade levels was that I didn't have to change classrooms. Well, I found out Monday evening (after a staff meeting that I was unable to attend) that it had been decided by our admin I WOULD be changing classrooms. I'm moving across the hall and our new 9th grade teacher will take over my room.

My initial reaction was, obviously, to get pretty pissed. This move is completely illogical. There is no rational reason to move me across the hall to what was once a computer lab (i.e. NO desks, no bookshelves, no closets, etc.) when there are two other rooms in my hall that will be open due to a retirement and a resignation. I have racked my brain over this, and I honestly cannot find the logic.

Another teacher was also moved, and his move is much farther than mine as he is currently in a completely different hallway. He was also not informed of the move prior to the staff meeting, and needless to say, is pretty pissed himself as he has been in his classroom for 9 years!

Because I don't see the logic or the rationale behind this, I find it in very poor taste that this decision was made and the people who were to be directly affected received no heads-up prior to the meeting in which everyone was informed. I especially find it in bad taste that I had to find out from peers through email and text messages instead of from my boss.

A classroom becomes a teacher's second home, whether that is fortunate or unfortunate, I don't know, lol...For 182 days a year (plus any summer days), the teacher spends more time in her classroom than at her own home! For the admin to simply decide, "Hey, you're moving" for NO APPARENT reason seems just wrong to me. How would a principal like it if the superintendent came in and said he/she could no longer use his/her office? They wouldn't.

To make matters worse, I went to the teacher work day yesterday hoping to get my room completely moved--one less thing to worry about over the summer, right? Well, my new room is being worked on, which means I can't move until later this summer, which ALSO means I now have to get my room moved without being paid for it. How fair is that? Ugh....

Luckily, I don't have that much to move, and Nathan is planning to come help me one day when he is off. As we further and further away from the initial shock of finding out I was losing my space, I feel slightly less perturbed by the whole matter. I DO feel like this was some sort of personal attack-type issue because of the lack of logic, but whomever made this decision has also given me a chance to get rid of some of the clutter from my class and redesign my space. I guess that is the positive of the whole situation.

If I could just teach and not be bothered/pestered by the administration, I would be sooooo thankful. But I guess we all have bosses no matter what field we are in.

Nate's amazing and wonderful grandparents made a rare trip to Ohio from their home far away in rural Pennsylvania. They came out to see the house and (more importantly) meet their second great-grandchild. For being almost 80 and 70 years old, his grandpa and grandma seem much younger. We haven't seen them since the wedding reception in 2007, and since Nate spent 3 years living with them during his teens, it's great to finally have them around!



We had a cookout on Saturday with his parents, my parents, and his grandparents. Last week, we finally invested in some outdoor furniture, a canopy, and bricks/a fire pit to build our own custom firepit in the yard. We spent a lot of time this weekend hanging outside and chatting. Quality time for Nate and his family.



Yay!! We finally got a little smile on camera. There is NOTHING more amazing in the world than seeing her gummy smiling face first thing in the morning. Such a happy baby!



Here she is with her only great-grandpa. It's bittersweet to see this picture because I would have love to see her with my own Pappaw; instead, I'll just have to imagine what that picture would have looked like.



Nate's family in a rare family photo. I'm happy they were all able to get together (and that the event wasn't ruined by anyone's bitchiness!).



Rylee with her great-grandma. I found myself frequently thinking about my grandparents this weekend. Man...I miss them so much. Rylee will never know it, but her life will miss out on something by not having them in it.

Awesome weekend. Planning a night with friends around the firepit next Friday. Glad we are finally in a position in our lives to have people over :)

Before I share my most recent good news, let me reiterate that I love teaching freshmen. I think 9th graders are such a rare breed of human being, and I love getting to be my immature self when I teach. There is still a slight innocence to kids when they just enter high school; they haven't been as tainted by relationships, sex, drugs, responsibilities (or lack thereof), driving, work, etc. Freshmen still need you to tell them what to think, but they are just starting to figure out how to think for themselves. They are wonderful.

That being said, I am moving to teach sophomores next year. Our junior teacher is moving back to his hometown, so the 10th grade teacher (and a good friend of mine) is moving to the 11th grade, I am moving to the 10th grade, and there will be a 9th grade opening at our school next year. Some positive notes about this move...I will have the exact same kids I had this year= they know me and my expectations, and I KNOW what I taught them the previous year; these kids are a really great class--I only had 1 behavior-related write-up this year; I don't have to switch classrooms, which makes for a lot less moving during the summer; I will be teaching Honors II, which is the AMERICAN LIT class AND I HAVE WAITED MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE TO TEACH AN AMERICAN LITERATURE CLASS!!!!!!!!!!!

The only real negative, though it is quite a huge one, is that I will have to redo ALL of my lessons, read and prepare to teach brand new novels, create new quizzes, prepare new semester exams, read, read, read, make new Power Points, find new resources, prepare new lectures, etc., etc., etc. And with a new baby at home, it is going to be a rough year in terms of transition. I was JUST getting used to having all of my units/calendars/lesson plans ready each day without having to do much preparation, lol.

As much as I love being home with Rylee, I can't wait to be back in my classroom in the fall. I know I will regret saying that as the start date grows closer, but I love teaching and I can't wait to return. I love Rylee also, but there has to be a balance for me between being Mrs. H and Mommy...I can't live my life being just one; I would get soooo bored!!!

Ry (no, I don't call her that in real life, it's just shorthand) had her 1-month appointment today and she's doing well. She's having some pooping issues--going days at a time without pooping at all, but the dr. isn't concerned about it unless she goes longer than a week. She is in the 90th percentile for her height and 50th percentile for her weight, so it looks like she'll be a long and lean baby. Dr. said as she continues to get taller, it may look like she is actually losing weight, but that's probably not the case. No need to supplement my BM with formula or rice cereal to fatten her up. Ry is still working out that wonky eye she has (right eye still looks a little bulldog cross-eyed at times), and the "rash" that comes and goes throughout the day on her face and back is just from heat and we only need to worry if it starts to itch.

What else....what else....OH. I figured out the pumping issue a bit. I pump one side while she eats off the other, then I switch sides at the next feeding. That seems to get me about 5 ounces of milk a day and I'm finally growing a little supply for when I go back to work.

Nate's grandparents are coming to stay with us this weekend, which I am excited about because he hardly ever gets to see them and we finally have the space for his family to stay in our house! Cookout tomorrow with his parents, grandparents, and Mom & Bill; again, we finally have the space at our house to invite people over like this!

Really. I am a complete slave to my boobs. I've been breastfeeding since about half an hour after Ry was born, and no one ever told me how much WORK it is. It is literally a full-time job to breastfeed; I have no clue how Michelle Dug.gar has done it for the last 20 years!!!

I'm trying to pump to have a small arsenal of boob milk ready to go when I do go back to work in August, but I no sooner have 4 ounces together and frozen than she drinks it (mind you, I only give her a bottle once a day and only either if we are going somewhere or once in the evening before bed). This child drinks a 4 ounce bottle at 3 weeks old!!! So, I pump and pump and get a few ounces together, and she drinks it. I'm lucky to stay two days ahead of her for that one 4-ounce bottle!

Any suggestions on best practices for pumping while breastfeeding? I try to pump in between feedings (when she goes for a 3 or 4 hour stretch between eating), but she's been on an hourly schedule during the daytime this week, and there isn't time to pump (or do anything else, for that matter) in between. Has anyone out there pumped and breastfed? Do you pump while baby eats? Before? After? Just in between feedings? Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Tomorrow evening, I am taking a few hours off from Mommy duty for the FIRST TIME since she was born. Nathan is staying home with the lil one, and I'm heading out...to the library, target for hair dye, and I'm not sure what else. I need a few hours away; I think I've earned it :)

I didn't realize it had been almost two weeks since I last posted. Wow!

Not much to report, really. Each day is pretty much the same thing over and over again for now. I wake up whenever I can't get Rylee to go back to sleep (although I've learned a few little tricks for getting her to sleep longer, which tends to allow me on and off sleep until 11 or noon). I spend all day and night bouncing between breastfeeding, changing diapers, and trying to find time to pee and eat. Ry eats about every 2 hours during the day and varies between every 2-4 hours at night, and she eats anywhere from 40-60 minutes at a time. So, for example, if she eats at 2pm and eats until 3pm and is on one of her two-hour feeding days, she will eat again at 4pm giving me exactly one hour to either play with her (if she is awake), hold a binky in her mouth (if she's grumpy), take a nap (if she's sleepy), or eat/clean/pee. I can't complain about this "new life," though, because I really enjoy having her here. I love looking at her, watching her weird facial expressions while she sleeps, having her look at me so intently when I am holding her and talking to her. She's amazing--even if she does eat like a fat kid eats cake :)

I won't lie and say there aren't frustrating moments, though. I do get frustrated when she cluster feeds for 3 HOURS (yes, she eats and eats and eats for 3 HOURS) in the evenings. I get frustrated when I've just gotten her to sleep and I set her in the bassinet and she wakes up screaming again. I get annoyed when I only get 20 minutes of sleep before she wakes up again to feed. I get really frustrated when I've done everything I can think of (diaper, feed, binky, swaddle, walk around, play, check warm/cold, massage with lotion, etc.) and she is still crying. I sometimes even get annoyed because I feel like I'm a slave to my boobs...

...but all of this is only temporary. So after my fleeting moment of frustration, I remember this will be over soon and I'll miss it. Some day, she will be able to tell me what she wants, and I won't be shooting in the dark. Some day, she'll be eating solid foods, and she won't want/need my boobs anymore. Some day, I'll be back to sleeping through most of the night, and I'll be sad that she doesn't need me as much as she does right now.

I absolutely love this baby. She is the coolest thing that has ever happened to me.

I'll write again soon, I promise, and hopefully, I'll have something more interesting to talk about :)

I just love this picture of her. Would you believe she has EVEN MORE hair now and this picture was just taken a week ago??


The boppy pillow is the best invention ever.

I had to do one more post for a few more pics!
Friday on the way to the doctor

One day old

Three days old

With Uncle Rocky

With Aunt Roberta

a chance to update :)

First, let's do the long and dirty delivery story. Then, we'll do the fun pictures!!

Monday morning, I woke at 8:30am to this weird "pop" noise. My first thought was, "Wait...what was that???" So, I lay there for about 20 minutes waiting to see if it had been my water breaking because I had heard there is usually a pop noise when that happens. No water, no gushing, nothing for those 20 minutes. I decided to use the bathroom before trying to fall back asleep, and the minute I stood up, I had THE MOST INTENSE cramps of my life followed by gushes of water. Yes, my water had broken. I called Nathan, who unfortunately was about to get pulled away from his first day at his new promotion, called Mom, and texted all the people who have anxiously been waiting some news. I also called and left a voicemail for the midwife to find out what I needed to do.

About an hour later, Mom was here, Nathan was here, and the m/w called to say I could stay home until the contractions were unbearable, but that I needed to come in within 12-14 hours since my water had broken. Nathan, Mom, and I drove to his work to pick up his truck. During this time, Mom was timing my contractions which had been completely consistent since 20 minutes after my water broke: 2-3 minutes apart, lasting about 30 seconds, and bad enough that I had to focus to get through them.

By noon (4 hours into labor), we decided to go to the hospital. The contractions were way too fast, way too intense, and there wasn't enough downtime in between for me to catch my breath and prepare for the next one. I was worried about being sent back home from the hospital, but I was also in so much pain and worried that the baby would come faster than I thought. I hadn't heard of people having regular contractions like that completely out of the blue.

At the hospital, I was ready to kill the registration lady who kept trying to talk to me when I was in obvious pain. They took me to a triage room, I was 3cm dilated, 100% effaced and -2/-1 station. My water had definitely burst (duh!), and I was ready to be admitted.

By 1, I was ready for the epidural. Again, it was too much, too fast, too painful. So, they hooked me up with an epidural, which had to be placed twice because the first time, it hit my spine, and I was feeling better. I could still, tough, feel all of the contractions on my right side, which was STILL painful. When they tried to put me on my right side, though, the baby's heartrate would go crazy. By 2, the decision was made to up my epidural dose since my right side was still so painful. (Redose #1)

Contractions were still 100% regular 100% without pitocin. The nurses were absolutely amazed that I had had no pitocin and that these contractions were natural. Go my body for doing something right ON ITS OWN!!

Around 3, the decision was made to hook up an internal fetal heartrate monitor because of baby's rate fluctuations and a contraction intensity monitor. I was around 4/5cm dilated by this point. My contractions were a 10 out of 12!!!! My midwife said..."Well, there's your justification for the epidural. Some people complain that they need an epidural because they are in so much pain, but when we get them hooked up to the intensity monitor, they are only measuring a 3!! You're having WHOPPER contractions!!! Good for you!" So, I felt justification for dropping my unmedicated birth plan--there was no way I could have handled those intense contractions all day long!

Also around 3/4ish, my epidural wore off. I was back to crying through the contractions and having to be reminded to breathe. Baby's heartbeat was all over the place again as I waited for yet another redose. The redose finally came, and once again, my right side was unaffected. So...yet another redose was administered sometime around 5:30. I should mention here that these secondary redoses made me completely useless. My legs felt heavier than stone and as a result of the 4 IV bags of fluid I had pumped into me throughout the delivery, they probably WERE as heavy as stone! I did not like the epidural, but for the short periods of time that it worked, I had some relief.

At 7, I was 7 cm, and yet again, my epidural was gone. The decision was made to replace the epidural completely at this point. Apparently, I am just immune to anaesthetics, lol. I had it replaced.

At 8, 8 cm. 9, 9cm. By 10, the epidural was gone and I was extremely close to 10 cm!!! They did a small redose, but it was not enough to get me through pushing. Before the redose, I was BEGGING to be at 10 cm. I cannot begin to tell you how much pain I was in...if only from the discomfort from laying on my left side and being hooked up with so many tubes and hoses all day long (not to mention the intermittent oxygen mask, which drove me freaking nuts!). Redose was given, and I started pushing at 11.

I was hardcore about the pushing. I was ready to be finished, and I wanted desperately to get her out before the epidural wore off again. At midnight, the m/w came back to finish off delivery. I was, obviously, begging them to "get the baby out" but everyone kept telling me I was really close. So, I pushed...and pushed...and burned...and felt like my entire bottom would blow off...and I apologized for bodily functions over which I had no control...

Suddenly, I had been pushing for an hour and 45 minutes, and I felt her head pop about halfway out. At this point, they made me stop pushing for a minute, which SUCKED--her head felt like it was bigger than a basketball, and I remember screaming that I HAD to push...I HAD to push her out. One more push and *bam* baby was thrown on my belly. I'll be honest, I didn't have that first "Oh my gosh, it's my beautiful baby and I love her so much" moment. My first thought was, "How big was that freakin head? I've never felt so much pain in my entire existence!!!!"

A few minutes later, Rylee was whisked away and the crowd moved with her to weigh, measure, clothe, etc. I was left, stranded on the table with the m/w while she reassembled my parts. I had several internal 2nd degree tears, and I felt her stitching me up (minimum 20 stitches) because she said that area isn't sensitive enough to lidocaine for good numbness. The stitching last half an hour, at which point, Nathan finally brought the baby over and said, "You wanna hold her?" I looked at him and said, "I still have her poop and blood all over my arms" (because in that entire half hour...everyone forgot I existed, lol).

20 minutes later, while everyone was out of the room for a few, the labor nurse came in and said, "We need you to pee now. Do you want to walk to the bathroom or be hooked back up to the catheter?" Seeing as how I had no epidural and had just finished the reassembly process, I decided I'd get my sore arse up from the bed and go myself.

We stayed in the hospital until Wednesday afternoon (total of 36 hours?) when I was desperately ready to go home. The actual Mommy part of being in the hospital wasn't exhausting at all--I could've handled it pretty well at home, but everyone BUGGING you every couple of hours was a pain in the ass. How the heck are you supposed to rest and get any sleep if people keep coming to demand you to pee, push around on your belly and monitor your bleeding, give you painkillers, bring you food and take away the tray?

On the day of delivery and the day after, I thought there is no way I could ever do that again. Now that I'm home and seeing how wonderful and beautiful Rylee is and how insanely in love with her I am, I can't wait to have another. Every ounce of that pain was well worth the reward :)

Now for the fun stuff...

While I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of this baby, I'm creating a list of things I SHOULD NOT do because they are detrimental to my psychological well-being. At the very top of that list is...watching A Baby Story on TLC. HOLY CRAP! There is nothing worse than watching what I'm about the go through a some point in the next week. So, no more baby story for now. It's more terrifying than informative.

Doctor's appointment today. Will update later.

Update from doc's appointment...
2 cm dilated
Still 80% effaced
Baby is -2/-1 station

Doc stripped my membranes. FYI--I think ONLY people with LONG fingers should strip membranes as the most painful part of that process was his knuckles bashing into my woman parts. Stripping membranes releases hormones that should help initiate labor; however, if the procedure is going to work, it will do so within 48 hours. It is now about 36 hours after I've had it done, and I've got nothing.

Next appointment is Tuesday. I will be begging for an induction at that point. Doc said yesterday that because my cervix is so favorable and my hip position and size are perfect for birthing a possibly larger baby, there is a less than 30% chance that induction would lead me to a c-section.

Maybe the full moon tonight will help things along?

Little more than 1 cm dilated.

80% effaced.

-2 station.

Could be tonight or two weeks from now.

Will induce next week if I want as a result of +3 swelling. I'm a hot, swollen mess, lol

Only 1 day of work left, and I couldn't be happier.

What I'm thinking these days: "Is that a cramp? Oh my gosh, that has to be a cramp! Should I time it? ... Nevermind, just gas"

Yesterday, I felt pretty good for the first time in a while. I had some (only a little, but still some) energy, and we actually made it to a couple stores, finished the thank you cards (with my supremely and completely NUMB fingers), cleaned a little, packed the hospital bags for myself and the baby, and Nathan dyed my hair.

Today, I am back to feeling like shit. Probably worse than I have ever felt. I'm tired, my hips feel like they are breaking, the swelling in my feet will not go down no matter how high and for high long I keep them elevated, and I am so ready to chop my right hand off just so I finally have some feeling in it. My eye is swollen, but that's related to the fact that I've had my contacts in WAY TOO LONG, but I can't take them out until tonight because I don't have any glasses. Boo to feeling like poop.

But like the title of this post says, there is only a little bit of complaining time left...then, it will FINALLY all be worth it. I hope all my aches and pains go away quickly after Miss Rylee comes along :)

I should make a very important note here about how insanely wonderful my husband has been especially in these last few weeks. When I am completely exhausted and sore and struggling just to make it to and from the bathroom, he is stepping up and taking care of so much. When my feet are so swollen they look like my toes are about to pop off, he massages them and keeps trying to come up with ideas that will help (like letting me elevate them on his legs at night or wrapping them in ACE bandages). He has been doing the cooking, cleaning, and taking care of everything. AND he does it all without complaining. It's like he knows it takes me MUCH longer and MUCH more effort to do things, so he just does them for me. I have never appreciated him as much as I do now, and I have never needed his help as much as I have in the last couple of weeks. I just keep thinking how awesome he is going to be as a dad and I'm so thankful that Rylee will get a shot at a much better father than I had!

This is all almost over. Only a couple days left of work before I begin my maternity leave on Wednesday--thank goodness.