Confessions of a Blogaholic

I had my 6-week checkup today and found out that I have lost 40 POUNDS since delivering Little Bit :) I've got about 3 pounds left until I'm at my pre-pregnancy weight, 27 pounds until I'm at my pre-infertility weight, 37 pounds until I'm at my wedding weight, and 77 pounds until I weigh what my BMI says I should weigh. Whatever! I'm just going to be happy with losing so much of this baby weight so quickly!

The midwife asked about how I'm feeling, and I admitted some things to her that I have only really admitted to my friends/Mom/Nathan. Having said them aloud, Becky (my m/w) said I should share these things with other people to help take the mystery out of becoming a mom. I told her no one told me how becoming a mom really felt, and I was convinced for the first few weeks of motherhood that I was the world's worst mother because I didn't feel what I assumed all women were supposed to feel. Apparently, feeling the way I felt (wow, there's a lot of "feel" in the last couple sentences) is more normal than that jaded misconception that women automatically love their children unconditionally and think their babies are the most beautiful, wonderful, magical beings to ever walk the green earth.

Let me take a moment to be honest about my first few weeks of motherhood...

As I've said before, when Rylee first came out, my first two thoughts were 1) What are those birthmarks all over her face and how am I going to hide them for the rest of her life? and 2) Why is she cross-eyed??? I did not love her automatically. I did not feel like I would take a bullet for her. In fact, I was a little disappointed that pregnancy ended that way. Where was my perfect, beautiful, angelic baby? Why was I embarrassed of her "stork bites"? Why did I love her??

For the next few weeks, those feelings hardly faded. I felt miserable like I was failing as a mom and as a human being. Yes, my whole life had changed and I resented Rylee and this new responsibility for that. The difference between this feeling and postpartum depression was that I accepted this new fate, dealt with it, and knew I would eventually feel better about the whole situation, but I would have preferred to be able to maintain my previous life while learning this new life. I still couldn't honestly say that I loved her unconditionally and would take a bullet for her. She was just here, and I was just doing what I was supposed to do. I felt like a horrible mother for thinking this way, but again, I had faith things would eventually get better.

Slowly...as she and I learned to be mother and daughter, the love grew. I feel it growing more and more every day. I feel myself becoming protective, and I find myself frequently marveling at how gorgeous she really is. Sometimes, I still find myself wondering if people actually think she's cute or if they just say that because they don't want to hurt my feelings. Sometimes, I get so frustrated not knowing why she is crying. But I feel so much better now about being her mom. Love, for me, was not automatic; it was slow, and it took time to grow into.

So, I guess what I'm saying to those to-be moms is to take what you hear about motherhood with a grain of salt. Not everyone feels the way it's shown in the movies or on tv. You may not cry when you first see your baby's face; hell, you may actually be angry when you first see it--especially if that little head just ripped your woman parts wide open. But keep in mind that there is nothing wrong with you. You aren't crazy for having not-so-great feelings. You aren't a bad mom, and you aren't going to be one of those mothers on tv who get so fed up and shake their kids or anything. You will have the patience to deal with your frustration, and eventually, no matter how slowly, you will learn to love that baby.

Spread the word and take the mysticism and myth out of motherhood.