Confessions of a Blogaholic

...so why not?

There are only a few weeks left in my extended summer break, and I can still say I am ready to go back. It hurts my heart to think that I will no longer be with Ry for the majority of the day since the babysitter will she her for like 10 hours a day and I'll only see her from 4:30 until she goes to sleep around 8 :(

This mothering thing is getting steadily easier, but I do sense myself becoming increasingly anxious about things, in general. Let me step aside from this thought to talk about my anxiety issues...

Starting around 6 years ago, I suddenly became a big-time germaphobe. When I think about germs, I see them as like a green aura emanating off everything: peoples' hands, doorknobs, student desks, etc. When people sneeze or cough, it's like I can see a mist of germs shooting all over the place. I honestly think all this started when I first started subbing/teaching and saw the disgustingness that is a high school classroom. Since then, I carry my Purell with me everywhere. I should also point out that buffets are the WORST. Have you ever thought about the innumerable hands that touch those spoons in the buffet line? It's completely disgusting if you think about it.

Over time, I've become slightly less concerned about germs. When it comes to Ry I'm surprisingly not as worried about it. I want her to be exposed to germs so she can build up immunities to them. But I still wash my hands frequently (especially if they feel even slightly dirty, or if I've touched a high traffic object, or if I've been somewhere that seemed dirty), and I still see the green aura when I think about it too much. Some people's dirt doesn't bother me; with some, I hardly think about germs. But with other people, places, and situations, I have a hard time NOT thinking about it.

In the last couple of years, I've also suddenly developed a fear of driving as well as riding in cars. Certain situations in vehicles (someone not slowing fast enough, the thought that someone isn't watching where they are going, traffic, having to merge onto or off of the freeway, switching lanes, etc.) make me so nervous I start to feel like there's a weight on my chest and I can't breathe. Sometimes, I go so far as to drive well out of my way just to avoid an intersection or an anxiety-producing situation. The driving anxiety has gotten worse since Ry because I am paranoid that someone will not be paying attention and will hit me.

Now, back to my original point...I feel anxious about Ry getting bigger. For example, she's maybe got a month or so left in the bassinet because she's only an inch or two away from touching the top and the bottom at the same time. I am not ready to move her into her bedroom yet, especially since I'm still breastfeeding. I'm not ready for her to be so far away. Plus, she looks so little in her crib. Obviously, I can't keep her little forever!

About the whole anxiety thing, yes, I have thought about talking to my doctor, but I'm just not willing to admit that I might need some sort of medication to help get these issues under control. I once heard that exercising 30 minutes a day helps reduce anxiety...now if only I could make the choice to work that into my life, lol.