Confessions of a Blogaholic

I think my kids are genuinely well-behaved and studious this year. It amazes me how different an entire group of students can be from a previous group. Last year's kids were somewhat obnoxious--though fun to joke around with, I felt like I was already sending kids to the hall at this point. This year's kids seem pretty good. I only have 1 boy that's a bit talkative, but again, he seems like a nice kid, and he comes from a good family. (You would be amazed how often the kids' families are referred to when discussing behavior and disposition at my little teeny school!) This group can also answer my questions--unlike last year's group who seemed to completely blank during the summer, these kids seem to recall things from long ago. Fantastic.

Today, we finished reading "The Necklace" by Guy de Maupassant. Because I hear the stories 7 times a day, I got a little bored with it, but each period, I was surprised to see the kids actually react to the end of the story. I assumed that since I was bored, they had to be bored, but I was wrong. The kids even asked questions about the story, which for a teacher, is an amazing feeling--to know they are thinking about something to which you introduced them. Amazing.

I am 5 weeks and 5 days today and I still feel great. Hubs and I went for a walk this evening, and I'm feeling good. I'm still just a little crampy every now and then, and I still get super tired, but I'm still happy :) Eating lots of fruit and veggies and drinking some good ole orange juice. Who could ask for a better week 5??

Other than being tired enough to take a 2-hour nap every day when I get home from work, I'm not feeling that much. I can't even say that's baby-related, though, because I've always had to take naps after work. I don't know that they were 2 hours, but naps have always been a constant for me. No sickness, nothing else.

I did gain a couple pounds already, though, which aggravates me because since being pregnant, I have eaten better than I have at any other time in my life: salads, tons of veggies, hot sauce/chicken wraps on whole-grain tortillas, breakfast wraps (same whole-grain tortillas) with sausage, egg, and green pepper, and TONS of fruits. So, I don't get it...I don't get what I'm doing wrong. Yesterday, I decided to wear my "roomy" pair of dresspants that I could literally slide off of me without unbuttoning as of June--all of a sudden, there's not even a budge. No room to move.

I know I gained a couple of pounds from my laziness this summer, but not enough for my clothes to not fit. I feel UNBELIEVABLY BLOATED and GROSS!!! Keep away from the scale, Christina.

My students seem alright so far. All of my classes are full, and I have a couple of periods in which I don't have enough desks. We jumped right into some note-taking today (2nd day of school), and I only have 1 class period during which I must DRAG answers out of them--it's like asking questions of a brick wall!!! But, they'll talk nonstop so long as it has nothing to do with the subject! I just hope they learn something this year; even if they do spend some of my class period zoning out!

Today, I am soooooooooooooo tired. I almost feel bad for admitting that because I am JUST going back to work, and I definitely shouldn't be so exhausted already. I think (hope?) it's more baby-related than anything else. I don't really sleep when I take naps, but I lie there in and out of sleep and never feel rested when I get up.

I am so thankful to be able to feel this way. I am so thankful for this baby.

Sometimes, I feel like I need to run to the grocery store to buy some HPTs because it's been awhile since I've been crampy or experienced any symptoms. I almost worry that there is no baby, or that I'm no longer pregnant, or even (and this one is still weird) that I'm dreaming all of this and it's not real. If I could just POAS every day and still see that 2nd line, all of this would be so much easier to deal with. But, obviously, that would be WAY EXPENSIVE.

My g-ma did not receive her chemotherapy today, because her red blood cell count was too low. This is the first chemo she has had to skip entirely because of the pre-treatment work-up results. She goes next Tuesday for another try, but if her blood cells are still low, she will need a blood transfusion that day.

The other day, she was talking to my aunt (word travels like diarrhea in my family) about my baby. She said that since she doesn't know if she'll be around when it's born she wants to go to some of the ultrasounds. OF COURSE she can go to the ultrasounds, but I don't even want to think of her not being here when the baby comes along.

Back to the daily grind tomorrow, and I'm certainly a mixed bag of emotions. I'm excited for all the reasons I've already talked about on here: can't wait to see the kids, get to feel like I'm fulfilling my life purpose, enjoy teaching my subject, yada, yada, yada. But I'm also a little freaked because of all the ridiculous stress that comes along with the job.

If I could go to school, teach, enjoy my lunch, finish all my grading during my conference period, and come home to enjoy my life outside of being Mrs. H, teaching would be perfect. But, there are so many other stressors that go along with the job: dealing with parents who cannot see that their child might have done something wrong, giving up my lunches to fulfill other duties, sometimes not getting to eat all day long, meetings during conference periods, being asked (more like told) to do things outside of my contract responsibilities, grading all night just to hand the papers back and watch the kids throw them away, emails, emails, emails all day long.

This year, I'm going to find a way to balance all of this. There are more important things going on than my job (MUCH more important things!). I'm going to try to come up with one "de-stressing" tool for myself each week. Last year, I lived by the de-stressing rule that you should only touch a piece of paper once (either file it or pitch it, but don't put it in a "need to look at later" pile). This helped a bit. Some of the things I think I'm going to try this year include...

1. Only checking emails twice a day, once right before school and once immediately after school. I am not going to be a slave to my emails this year. I am not going to spend my conference period (when I could be doing more meaningful things) reading and responding to a million emails. They will wait.

2. Put a recycle bin next to my desk. I am much more likely to throw things away (instead of letting them pile up) if I don't have to walk across the room every time I want to do it.

3. When an email makes me mad, upset, stressed, or doesn't apply to me, I'm going to delete it before I have the chance to fixate on how it makes me feel. "Oops, I didn't get it!" is much easier than spending my entire night obsessing about how mad the email made me.

4. My mantra for the year is: "This is just my job. I am having a baby. I'm going to be a mom. There is nothing, NOTHING more important to me than that."

5. This is the unfortunate one...I'm going to spend less time eating lunch with the other teachers in the lounge. I find there are things that happen that I don't think twice about...until I go to the lounge. Then, I get all fired up about stuff that never would have crossed my mind! There is nothing more stressful than that.

Any other de-stressing tips you can think of that I can implement this year? I'm seriously thinking about printing a little list out for myself and keeping it next to my computer (I have a cubby cabinet), so I am always reminded about my plan.

Earlier, I was sitting around in my underwear and bra (ya know how it is) taking my nail polish off. I had the remover on my lap--it was the kind with the sponge that you shove your finger in. Suddenly, my phone rang, and I leaned over precariously to answer it.

I felt a sudden wave of wetness right between my legs and realized I had just dumped the whole container of remover all over my crotch!!! I jumped up and ripped my underwear off. Then, of course, my whole crotch was burning!! I kept thinking, "Damn, I've already killed this baby!!!" Ok, I know I didn't hurt the baby because there's no way that stuff made it anywhere other than on my skin, but it was funny.

So, for the first time since Friday, I had an almost pain-free, cramp-free night! I only woke up one time to sit up and cradle myself as a result of cramps. I actually told Nathan today that if I had never tested and had no clue what was going on, I probably would've made him take me to the emergency room by Tuesday night.

I can't describe what all of this is feeling like right now. All of those words that we reserve for times when we can't think of anything else to say...beautiful, gorgeous, fantastic, sublime, love...those words that even after we say them, we know they're not enough to truly say what we mean...those are the things I'm feeling right now. This is such an awesome and amazing experience.

Baby-free discussion- If you haven't had the tortilla chicken salad from O'Charley's, you are definitely missing out. YUM-O! (I just gagged on my Rachel Ray reference since she played that saying out about 7 years ago) Orientation is tonight. I've got a new shirt, but no new shoes :( Whatever. I'm pumped.

81. My number did a little more than double (in less than 48 hours, mind you!). I can finally relax a little bit. I feel like someone decided it is finally my turn, someone found the perfect little soul to send to me, and I can't see this not working out. My next appointment is an ultrasound at 7 weeks (September 14). By my calculations, and those of my innumerable resources, lol, I am 4 weeks as of today.

In honor of trying not to talk about all things baby...

School starts next week. Freshman orientation is tomorrow, and I can't wait to meet the kids. Last year, I was cornered, for lack of a better term, by several Honors parents who wanted to know everything about what I was teaching. I had only found out a few days prior that I WAS teaching an Honors class, so I'm sure you can imagine how flustered and terrible I was during their interrogation. This year, I am much more confident and prepared. I can take any questions they throw at me.

This school year, I'm going to take it easy on myself. I'm going to do what I can and NOT do what I CAN'T do. I've got more important things cooking (haha) than just my job. Speaking of more important things...when do you think I should tell my principal that I'm going to be on maternity leave the last month of school? I've put a little poll on my blog page for your feedback. I'm not sure how soon I should do it, but I want to give him time to prepare.

I was afraid to go to sleep last night for fear that everything yesterday was a dream. I was afraid I'd wake up and the pregnancy books I bought would have vanished, the cramps would be gone, my hand wouldn't be bruised from the blood work, and the positive pregnancy test I left sitting on the counter (to remind myself that it IS true) would have disappeared. But I woke up, and everything was still where it was yesterday. I am still pregnant. I am still going to be a mommy.

I really need this cramping to ease up, though. I still feel like I'm about to start my period any day now. I wadded up a pillow, held it to my stomach, and slept curled in the fetal position for most of the night because of the cramping and soreness. If I hadn't taken that test yesterday, I would be calling these some of the worst period cramps of my life....but since I know what's causing it, I'm ok with it. Everything I've read says cramps are fine as long as there is no blood, and if there is blood, everything is still fine as long as the blood isn't that fresh dark red blood.

I'm really excited (if you didn't get that from my post yesterday). There are so many things I "can't wait" for--Wednesday's beta test (to tell me this baby-these babies?-are growing as they're supposed to), my 6-week u/s (to look for that sac), my 8-week u/s (for the heartbeat), all u/s after that (just to see the baby!). These months are going to go by so fast. This is all still so unbelievable.

After a night of cramping, a pillow held tight against my stomach, tossing and turning, I woke up to this...


Let me describe how this happened...I got up, did my deed--completely convinced it was going to be negative and that I was psychotic for even thinking to test this early--set it on the counter, and began brushing my teeth. About 30 seconds later, I looked down (I couldn't help it), and thought, "Oh, that's where the second line goes--WHat?!?! There's a second line!!!!" At this point, I commenced hyperventilating and saying, "Oh my god! Oh my god" as I ran all over the house looking for my cellphone. My heart was racing, my mind was becoming foggier by the minute, and I was stumbling around like a drunk person.

I call Nathan...'Oh my god! Oh my god!' still going through my head. He answers, and I squeal, "I GOT A POSITIVE ON THE TEST!" Here is the conversation that followed:

Him: "And why are you telling me this?"

Me: "Because, I got a positive on the test!!!"

Him: "OH! OOOOH!!!!! You got a positive on the test!!! I thought you said you saw a wasp on the desk! Oh my god!! It's positive? Really? Oh my god!"

I had my first beta at 12:30 today, and it was a 36--yes, I really am pregnant right now!! Nurse said 36 is a little low, but I think she's on crack since I'm only 11dpo, and if I had been 14 dpo (as they want you to be when you test), my beta would've been much higher. I need the number to increase 70% by Wednesday.

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!! I have never been more ecstatic in my life. We have to go buy something baby-related tonight to celebrate!

There's the cramps. I'm thinking this cycle is yet another effing bust.

I am not going to test tomorrow or Monday. I am not going to test tomorrow or Monday. (Sound familiar?)

I have been very successful these two weeks. Very, very successful. I've convinced myself that this cycle sucked, and I won't be disappointed this time if the stupid stick is stark white.

But as I get closer to test day, this all gets so much more difficult.

I woke up this morning remembering that Wednesday is when AF is due. As I lay in bed, I thought to myself--hey, my bbs haven't been sore since the HCG wore off, I haven't had significant AF cramping, and I don't have any zits yet. All of these have been constant in all of my cycles. So, I guess that's something positive. But then, I looked in the mirror and had one big zit forming on my cheek (where I always get them), and was back to being disappointed.

Again, no other real symptoms. It's been so easy to forget about this cycle because of the lack of symptoms. As I think about it, this is the first cycle in which I DON'T have any symptoms at 10dpo. I ALWAYS have sore bbs, hunger, cramping, or SOMETHING.

Hmmm....Maybe....

I don't know. I give up. Getting optimistic has led to heartbreak for 17 months.

I really am not going to test tomorrow. That last mini-paragraph just reminded me how awful the stark white stick really is.

Today is just a blah day. I woke up thinking I was 8dpo today, but later counted and realized I'm actually 9dpo. Realistically, there's only about 1 day left for implantation to happen (if an egg fertilized over a week and a half ago).

I'm still just cynical, pessimistic, unhappy with this cycle. I don't know. I just had a bad feeling since the first day, but that could really be because I was banking so much on that first IUI working. Other than the one morning of almost UTI-like feelings, I have had nothing. Some light, light cramping every now and then, but that's it. Nothing else. What a boring 2ww--even if I wanted to obsess about something, I got nothing.

Our school yearbooks from this past year (my first year as advisor) shipped today. I can't wait to see them. I'm really excited for the kids (and their parents) to see them, as there were some complaints about the books from previous years.

I'm hungry. Off to find food.

I am not paying attention to symptoms. I am not paying attention to symptoms.

I have been doing SO GOOD abiding by this mantra....until today. I woke up this morning and stretched (think "Upward Facing Dog" in yoga), and immediately felt a big, strong, cramp in my ute. So, of course, all day, it was really hard NOT to wonder...

After the intense cramp stretch, I went to the bathroom and freaked because I felt like I was getting a UTI. If you've ever had one, you KNOW what they feel like--tons of pressure, like you could just pee for hours and you'd better not get off the toilet. Yes, that's what it felt like. I actually freaked a little bit because my doctor (family physician) recently quit the practice and I have yet to get another one, so no one to even give me any antibiotics. Luckily, the UTI feeling soon went away.

But, I've had light cramping on and off all day and I'm 7dpo...

I have been doing a fantastic job of forgetting about the 2ww the last few days. In fact, when it does cross my mind (rarely), I actually have to count out the number of dpiui and dpo I am--in the past, I could've spewed these facts off immediately. Yay for me for keeping busy.

I've been SOO productive this weekend. Yesterday, I was convinced that today was Monday, and I was preparing to head in to my classroom to do some work. Needless to say, today is not Monday, so I have all this stuff prepared for tomorrow. Two weeks from tomorrow is teachers' first day back.

I've officially got all tests, quizzes, powerpoints, handouts, notes, and worksheets finished through October 1. This may not seem like an accomplishment, but man oh man, is it ever a HUGE accomplishment. I was looking through some of the stuff I did last year, and I can't believe how bad it was. But last year, I was playing every day by ear. This year, I'm prepped well in advance and have reread all the readings so I don't have to do it the night before. I'm so on the ball.

At our appointment this morning, I actually told the RE that we would not be doing next cycle (at least) simply because of the cost of all this stuff. We dropped a ton of money this month, and obviously, we can't do it all the time.

I just got word from a meds donation program run through this IF board I am a member of that someone has 3 cartridges of Follistim to donate to me. FYI--you can't "resell" meds, it's illegal, but what do you do when you buy a bunch of expensive meds and then find out you're pg? You donate them! So, yeah, someone has 3 cartridges (= $750!!) that I can have.

I cannot tell you how unbelievably relieved and thankful I am for both the program and this individual for thinking to donate her meds. If we get a BFN this cycle, with the help of the meds, we will still be able to try again next month. Thank God for good news.

We had a better result today. 9 million post-wash with 74% motility. In all, we ended up with around the same amount of sperm (approx. 10 million) as our last IUI cycle. The difference this time, I guess, is that we know there are 3 fully mature eggs that were released last night. On a clomid cycle, there is no bloodwork with my RE, so I never had an estradiol (E2) test at my mid-cycle u/s. My estradiol this cycle was 670 on Tuesday, and I believe it is supposed to be about 200 for each mature egg, so it is right where it should be for all three eggs.

Fingers crossed, but I'm planning to just forget about all of this for the next couple weeks.

We only had 4 million sperm post-wash, and of that, only 74% were mobile. WTF? I was so upset I started crying in the procedure room (like a baby) and ended up crying the whole way home. I know I should be thankful that we had 3 million good, strong, moving sperm, because plenty of people have so much less than that, but I'm really upset. It just makes all my pessimism and lack of hope these last few days seem justified.

I know I can't be mad at N. for his low counts, but I am. Let me explain why...I've been asking him for the last two months to take these fertility vitamins the uro gave us back in June. The uro said they would help with his morph at the very least. Well, N. has the memory of a freakin rock, and if I didn't remind him every freaking night, he forgot to take them. I finally got the the point where I said, "If this is important to you, you will make it a point to remember to take them." He didn't. To be fair, he is a man, and men seem to have trouble having faith in the unseen--if I can SEE that the vitamins are working, they aren't working; therefore, why would it be in the forefront of his memory?

So, I am mad because I can't even say, "Well, babe, you tried your best and this is all we got," because he didn't try at all. I can't say we gave this our all, because Igave it my all, but he did not do the one simple thing that could have helped. Even still, I can't be angry...what's done is done and we have to work with what we got.

Our 2nd IUI is tomorrow. The RE said we would expect to see an even lower number tomorrow. Awesome. $250 for the teeniest bits of sperm. She assured me, though, that we still have a little less than 20% chance, and that this is worth trying.

It only takes 1 sperm...I know this, but if we had no success with 2.5 TIMES the sperm last cycle and the same follicle scenario, why on Earth would I feel positive about this cycle?

EDIT: N. just got home from work and was telling me about how he dropped a tool today and it hit him in the family jewels. He said his first thought was our IUI tomorrow. "I don't want to be a fuck up for a second day," he said...Aww...I know he cares.

The runt grew :) At today's appointment, I had a 21.4, 19mm, and 17.6. I triggered this morning, and IUI tomorrow morning at 8:30.

I don't know why, but I do not feel optimistic this time. I ALWAYS feel happy and optimistic by now (trigger day), but I don't :( I'm expecting a BFN. I guess my positivity has faded away over the last 6 months.

I have 2 on my right side--19mm and 16.2mm, and 1 on my left side--13.9.

I'm to take one more dose of the follistim (100iu), come back tomorrow for a repeat u/s and more b/w, and the IUIs will take place Wednesday and Thursday morning (12 hours before and 12 hours after O).

Now, we hope the 19 doesn't O early and the 13.9 catches up enough to release.

Dr. M said it was best to do the 2 IUIs because of our low sperm count. Though low, our numbers should be twice as good (aprox. 20 million, whereas normal would be 50-100 million) with the 2 IUIs.

I am still not feeling optimistic about this cycle. Every other cycle, I'm feeling positive and hopeful by this point, but this time...nothing really. It would be too good to be true that our last cycle before a break would result in a pg.