Confessions of a Blogaholic

I was raised going to an old-school Methodist church with my grandparents every Sunday for 13 years. I say 13 years, because when I got into high school, I didn't want to go to a church where I had to wear skirts every Sunday and listen to things I didn't agree with. My ideals were even more broken down when I ended up at a Jesuit college where I had to take a course in theology. At that point, it was the first time in my life that anyone present biblical scripture to me as if it were simply metaphoric and literature--in my church-going experiences, the Bible was fact. Jesus really did turn water into wine, he did perform split-second miracles, and the earth really flooded (the Noah's Ark story). Add to all of this the Catholic belief that women should not be in positions of power, with which I completely disagree, and I didn't know what to think or believe anymore. Needless to say, my spirituality was turned upside down by all these varying perspectives.

I no longer profess to be a member of any organized religion; I guess that makes me agnostic. But, it gives me a sense of faith and spirituality to believe that something is directing my course--it's my own personal God. I don't need/want someone to tell me what I'm supposed to think or do when it comes to God, so I guess I've invented my own sense of spirituality. I know when I'm doing something right and ethical, and I know when I'm doing something wrong and immoral...I no longer need a pastor to preach these things to me. I don't feel like I need to pray nightly, because I think that God can hear me whenever I address him, even when I don't address him directly (like DH is driving and I'm thinking, "Oh, please let him stop in time!"). I believe in spirituality and a reliance on faith to get me through the hard times.

All of this is why it meant so much to me when a friend said the other day, "God doesn't give us more than we can handle." I usually hate when people attribute everything to God--well, I'm unemployed and sitting on my butt every day, I trust God will find a way to pay my house payment. Uh, no. God's not going to do anything unless you get up off your ass and do it for yourself. I hate when people say, "Leave it all in God's hands," also. I don't know why...these sayings just make me want to twitch. But when my friend made her comment the other day, it reminded me how much I have actually relied on God to get me through OBH.

I've never noticed it directly (until that moment), but I find myself saying, "Well, this must not be in the plan right now," quite frequently. Even DH has said, "Fate just didn't want this cycle to work out." So, I think we're both relying on some higher authority to get us through. IT'S IMPORTANT TO NOTE: This does not mean that God thought all my friends and people I know and that 16-year-old new mom would be better parents than DH and I. I don't think God makes judgments on our worth or potential abilities. I just think God/fate has a plan and that things will happen when they happen.

I can't imagine being an atheist and getting through IF. Science can only go so far when it comes to making a baby---an RE can only make sure all the pieces are in place--but it takes a miraculous act of God to make those pieces come together. It's unfortunate that so many don't recognize the value in their own kids. When someone says, "Are you sure you want one of these?" or "You can borrow mine," they are undervaluing the miracle that the baby truly is.

Well, here I am asking for my miracle. I'm so ready to have a baby. I've been waiting awhile. I'm a good person. I live a good life. I'll be a good mom, and DH will be an excellent father. We're in a place in our lives where it is time for this to happen. I am asking *you* to make this happen for us. If *you* decide that it's not time, it's ok....we'll keep going as long as *you* give us the means to do so. If I get a BFN, I will not associate that with *your* belief in my inability as a mother; instead, I will take that as a sign to try again.