Confessions of a Blogaholic

I'm still here, but I'm having a difficult time posting. I'm tired of thinking/obsessing about baby stuff, but I find that I am completely incapable of discussing anything else in my blogs anymore. If you followed my Myspace blog, you know that I used to be able to write about a myriad of topics from politics to stories from my past, but I can't do it anymore. I feel like my quest to babydom (OBH) has taken over my life. The only other thing I can find to talk about is my job, but there are only so many things to be said about teaching while on summer vacation.

Last night was my first inject. After a brief training "class" done by the hilarious and super-friendly nurses at my RE's office, I wasn't sure if I was going to screw it up or not! I got the pen ready (cartridge goes inside the pen), dialed my dose (dial is like the "clicky" on a clicky pen), put the capped needle on, and settled myself into the recliner. I should mention here that I had my hubs on the phone and he was rambling on and on about something--I was glad to have him as a distraction. I took the outer cap and then the inner cap off the needle and instantly a drop of the med came out of the needle. I FREAKED (this stuff is too damn expensive to waste like that!) and quickly shoved it into myself--no time to think about it!

Unfortunately, I didn't have my hand positioned right to press in the dialed dose (like SLOWLY clicking in the end of that clicky pen), so the needle was wiggling around in my stomach while I tried to get my hand on correctly. I pushed in the dial, and viola! I was finished. No harm done.

Tonight's dose was a little more difficult because there was no drip, so I had time to think about it--never a good idea! It's best to just do the thing and be done with it.

I have 4 more nights of this. Then, I go in Monday morning to find out what (if anything) is going on. I'm desperately hoping for at least 3-4 good-sized follicles out of all this. No, I don't necessarily want 3-4 babies (shew!), but with hub's sperm count issues I want to have as many "targets" as possible for the little bit of sperm we have. I hope the B2B IUIs will help too, since last time we couldn't bd because of the soreness. I had to sign a waiver, though, that I understood I have a 30% chance of twins and a 10% chance of triplets with inject/IUI treatment at my facility. I honestly don't care about having multiples anymore--just let me know that I CAN get pg.

and decided that due to the cost of this cycle, this will be it for awhile. We're going "Balls to the Wall" aggressive with the injects and the B2B IUIs, so I guess we're doing everything we can for our "last cycle."

We're currently saving to buy a house next year, and it's not feasible to spend $1,000+ a month on fertility while trying to save money for a home. A home is a sure bet--we will end up being able to get a house, but fertility treatments are not--we could be spending $1,000 a month for nothing. Insurance only covers ultrasounds ($10.00 copay) and nothing else--no IF coverage, but they will cover Viagra. ::eye roll::

We'll try a couple rounds of inject/IUIs again at the beginning of the year, but that's it. That's the end of the road. As I've said on here before, we will not do IVF.

On to a new cycle.

CD2 u/s today--No cysts!!! YAY!!!!

I had my injects training, and can I just say I love the nurses at this office? I take back all the stuff I said in my previous post about my RE, because they are truly wonderful and I was just looking for someone to blame.

I start my follistim injections tomorrow and will be doing 100ml for the next 6 days. Then, I have another u/s on Monday and we'll figure out where to go from there. What I like about the follistim (vs. Clomid) is that the goal is overstimulation--more eggs = better chances. Also, hopefully I will respond better to the injects and have less side effects.

I am considering doing back-to-back (B2B) IUIs this cycle. As this is my last month of summer vacation, I think we should be as aggressive as possible and see what happens. The B2B IUIs will cost $500, but at this point, I can't see a reason to NOT do them. That is, of course, unless anyone has any info on the success rates of 1 IUI/cycle versus B2B IUIs??

Edit: Just read the paperwork and it looks like B2B IUI's are what my RE does with inject cycles...Cost of medications for this cycle (as of today)= $290; Cost of B2B IUI's= $500; Cost per monitoring appointment (average of 4 appointments per inject cycle with my RE = 4) $10 x 4 = $40. Total potential cost for this cycle if no additional meds have to be purchased = $830.

Having a baby...Priceless.

So, I'm thinking this will be our last cycle for awhile simply due to the cost. If this doesn't work, who knows how long it will be before we are able to cycle again.

Yesterday, I came to terms with my failed cycle, and I'm ok with it. (Although I did go and buy another box of FRER HPTs just in case...) But, honestly, I'm just ready to get on with it. Cycles always seem to have this cyclical emotional pattern for me:

CD1-3= Super Nervous about baseline, please no cysts!!
CD3-7= Ugh!! I hate Clomid, someone kill me!!
CD7-13= I hope that worked
CD14-15= Grow follies, grow!! Tons of optimism by this point in the cycle.
CD16= Yay!! I'm triggering! OMG! OMG! OMG!
CD17-32ish= Please, please, please tell me that worked!
CD30-32ish= It didn't work, and I just know it.
CD32= So, unbelievably sad. Let's move on.

I'm cramping today, so I know what's coming, and I'm just ready for it. Maybe next cycle will be the cycle? If nothing else, maybe the switch to injects will help...who knows!

That is an awful picture, but it was too good to pass up.

I tested this morning at 13dpiui, 12dpo, and got the starkest-white line ever. I can't honestly say I'm surprised. I mean, in now 17 months of trying (almost enough time for two Irish Twin babies), I've never seen that second line other than when medically-induced. Who knows? Maybe I can't even get pregnant and all we have been through has been for nothing.

I'm confused about being so hungry for 5 days, but I guess we can just chock that up to another phantom symptom of being on the IF rollercoaster.

So now, we wait for AF to show up again so we can move on with yet another fucking cycle. I'm going to request to switch to injects as the Clomid obviously isn't doing it for us (5 cycles of it already). In all honesty, we are fairly close to the end of our IF road, which I know sounds strange to some of you who have been doing this for years, but I can't see doing more than 5 or 6 IUIs (depending on the cost with injects), and we decided back in February that we would not do IVF. So, if I don't get any cysts, 5 or 6 IUIs is about another 5 or 6 months.

I must admit that I'm a little upset with my RE. I think more testing should be done, particularly after O. I have never had post-O testing. So, what if I should need some type of progesterone to support implantation? What if I've been "almost pregnant" all these cycles, but the egg couldn't implant for some reason? What if I didn't actually O despite the HCG? What is my eggs are a horrible quality (that should be shown in some sort of blood test, right?)? Other than my initial work-up when I had my consultation, I've had no other blood drawn for anything.

It's just easier to accept that it's over than it is to hold out any hope for any change this weekend. Thanks for keeping up with me this cycle :)

We've been off since the beginning of June, and today was my first day "working" back in my classroom. School doesn't start for another 32 days, but I can't wait to get back into teaching mode! I was so excited to be in my room again, to see my posters, my desk, my new computer, my new student computers, my shelves filled with books, everything--I was even excited to see my good ole' trusty overhead projector!!! I can't wait to get back into my room again.

I miss the kids so much, which I know is really odd to hear. But I do...I miss seeing them, working with them, watching their little faces go blank while they zone out (come on, even the best of teachers can't maintain every kid's attention all day, every day!). I miss the games (football, especially!), and I miss yearbook class, which I can't wait to get started again.

I love summers, because it's time off to reevaluate all the stuff I did the previous year. I love getting to catch up on my reading, as that is an essential part of my particular job. I love having time to take classes if I need to, and I definitely love sleeping in...

But...I enjoy my life so much more when I'm getting up every day to go teach. My heart is in my job, and I feel more satisfied when I'm working than when I'm not. I cannot wait to get back to school!

I'm 12dpiui and 12dpo (at 9:30 tonight). After 5 days of starving, I woke up with nothing today. Have had some very very light cramping all day. Bbs still sore. I think it's over :(

Ugh---I just woke up ON MY OWN at 6AM to EAT because I am starving like I haven't eaten in days. AND I ate TWO BOWLS OF HONEY KIX. WTF????????

I am going to feel like such a d-bag if I end up not being pg, because it means the last 4 days of starving were all in my head. But the audible growling sensation tells me I'm not crazy. BUT, I'm going to think I'm batshitcrazy if I find out it's a BFN!!

This morning is 11dpiui, but I won't be 11dpo until 9:30 tonight, and I am terrified to test, since there's only about a 51% accuracy rate at this point.

HPT (Home Pregnancy Test) Accuracy Rates at dpo:
DPO and HPT accuracy
10 dpo: 35%
11 dpo: 51%
12 dpo: 62%
13 dpo: 68%
14 dpo: 74%
15 dpo: 80%
16 dpo: 88%
17 dpo: 92%
18 dpo: 99%

A good friend of N's went with his wife for their first u/s today. I don't know if they're in week 8 or 9, but it should be somewhere in there.

The doctor said they have an empty embryo sac--no baby :( He said this sometimes happens when either the egg or the sperm contain no genetic material...How unbelievably sad :(

On a positive note, the couple had only been trying for three months before they found out they were pg. Hopefully they'll have no problem getting pg again.

Nothing today, in case you were wondering. Woke up very hungry again, but after I ate, it was over. Feeling somewhat distraught to go from yesterday's intensity to nothing today.

I don't want to test early, but I really wish I could know if something is going on or not :(

I woke up STARVING this morning.

Last night, I was up until 2am because, again, I couldn't fall asleep. Around 1:30 I had 4 cookies...I know, bad choice; sugar keeps you up. Anyhow, I felt like I was going to get sick after I ate the cookies--like I was SO FULL I couldn't possibly think about food for a few days.

Then, at 7:30 this morning, my stomach woke me up. I was SO HUNGRY. It was a hunger radiating from my stomach to my chest and rising up my throat. STARVING, STARVING. I kept trying to go back to sleep because I was still so tired after only sleeping 5 hours, but my stomach wasn't having it. I finally got up and ate 4 sausage links. I thought that would do, so I tried to go back to bed.

Ooops...nope, that wasn't enough. I was back up in an hour to eat a small bowl of cereal, a yougurt, and some cherries. It is now 11:30 as I type this, and my stomach is STILL growling like crazy!!!

Add to that the fact that I have once again started having the weird cramps that feel like they're coming from the front of my uterus. Growling stomach, inability to sleep, weird cramps....hmmmmm......!!!!!!

So, after feeling so optimistic yesterday, I had a minor let-down today. I felt absolutely nothing today. No hunger. No tiredness. No cramps (except maybe 1 or 2 twinges all day). No excessive peeing. Nothing. So disappointing. I'm now desperately hoping the "different" feelings I have been having weren't just a result of the trigger shot, which tends to make me feel nauseous and have sore bbs for about a week.

My trigger shots are almost always gone by 9dpo (would be 10dpiui). I can't decide if I'm going to test or not. I know, I know...the disappointment of a BFN would be much more difficult to swallow than waiting out those last 4 or so days.

I was unbelievably productive today, though. I got my vocabulary lists and mid-quarter quizzes done for the entire school year!! I have found that having as much of this "little stuff" as possible done in advance is immensely helpful in this position. Being able to come in on a Monday and know what vocab words, journal topics, and grammar sentences to write on the board makes each day go so much more smoothly.

I also bought a ton of school supplies ($100 worth, woops!). Again, having been through it this past year, I know what I need to get myself better organized this year. And, since I'm a freak when it comes to organization, those $100 worth of supplies will work very well---Plus, it doesn't hurt that I LOVE new school supplies. Always have!!

I still have about 5 weeks until school starts again, and I'm already getting nervous. Last night, I tossed and turned in bed until 3:30am having practice conversations with imaginary students and rehashing conversations with kids from last year that I want to do better this time around. I kept thinking about my rules and how I can better approach managing the kids this year. I'm sooooo antsy! I need to relax, focus on baby-making, and enjoy these last 5 weeks.

I know I'm being obnoxiously optimistic about this IUI working. I'm being so optimistic, in fact, that I am getting on my own nerves and telling myself to shut up.

But...I feel different this time. I have had light, light cramping ever since the IUI. I'm not sure if it's from the IUI or what, but it has been pretty constant. It started out as a painful cramp on Saturday and Sunday--it hurt to use the bathroom because my woman parts (specifically, cervix) were all irritated. Then, Monday through today, it has been an occasional, sporadic, spontaneous radiating cramp that spans both sides of my uterus and my uterus itself. It is too early to be AF cramps, and they don't feel like AF cramps. I know I'm more observant of every slight twinge and pinprick during this sensitive time, but I'm telling you....this just feels different. I've never had cramping for the entire 2ww. Hopefully, this is a good sign, but I'm trying not to read too much into it.

I also slept for 2.5 hours today from 3-5:30, and I slept about half an hour yesterday afternoon. Those that know me are thinking, "Yeah, but you ALWAYS take naps!" and I certainly have been known to say that sleeping is my favorite holiday, but I haven't been taking late afternoon naps like that for the last month or so! Again, maybe that's a good sign, and then again, maybe I just need some exercise.

In other news...I went to lunch with a friend from HS today (Hey, T!!!). It was awesome to catch up with a good friend!! Those are moments when I am thankful for the stalker-network that is Facebook.

These are more a reminder to myself than anything else...
1. We had three good-sized follies.
2. We had a good number of sperm post-wash.
3. 80% of people who will be successful with Clomid will get pg within the first 3 ovulatory cycles--this is my third.
4. IUI's have a higher success rate for people under age 32--We are both 25.
5. IUI's have approximately a 20% success rate (slightly higher with more sperm, younger age, and more follies)--the way I see it, I have a better chance of this working that most fertile couple have each natural cycle.
6. Couples who will get pg off IUI will do so within the first 4 IUIs.

Must keep repeating these facts to myself!!

I was raised going to an old-school Methodist church with my grandparents every Sunday for 13 years. I say 13 years, because when I got into high school, I didn't want to go to a church where I had to wear skirts every Sunday and listen to things I didn't agree with. My ideals were even more broken down when I ended up at a Jesuit college where I had to take a course in theology. At that point, it was the first time in my life that anyone present biblical scripture to me as if it were simply metaphoric and literature--in my church-going experiences, the Bible was fact. Jesus really did turn water into wine, he did perform split-second miracles, and the earth really flooded (the Noah's Ark story). Add to all of this the Catholic belief that women should not be in positions of power, with which I completely disagree, and I didn't know what to think or believe anymore. Needless to say, my spirituality was turned upside down by all these varying perspectives.

I no longer profess to be a member of any organized religion; I guess that makes me agnostic. But, it gives me a sense of faith and spirituality to believe that something is directing my course--it's my own personal God. I don't need/want someone to tell me what I'm supposed to think or do when it comes to God, so I guess I've invented my own sense of spirituality. I know when I'm doing something right and ethical, and I know when I'm doing something wrong and immoral...I no longer need a pastor to preach these things to me. I don't feel like I need to pray nightly, because I think that God can hear me whenever I address him, even when I don't address him directly (like DH is driving and I'm thinking, "Oh, please let him stop in time!"). I believe in spirituality and a reliance on faith to get me through the hard times.

All of this is why it meant so much to me when a friend said the other day, "God doesn't give us more than we can handle." I usually hate when people attribute everything to God--well, I'm unemployed and sitting on my butt every day, I trust God will find a way to pay my house payment. Uh, no. God's not going to do anything unless you get up off your ass and do it for yourself. I hate when people say, "Leave it all in God's hands," also. I don't know why...these sayings just make me want to twitch. But when my friend made her comment the other day, it reminded me how much I have actually relied on God to get me through OBH.

I've never noticed it directly (until that moment), but I find myself saying, "Well, this must not be in the plan right now," quite frequently. Even DH has said, "Fate just didn't want this cycle to work out." So, I think we're both relying on some higher authority to get us through. IT'S IMPORTANT TO NOTE: This does not mean that God thought all my friends and people I know and that 16-year-old new mom would be better parents than DH and I. I don't think God makes judgments on our worth or potential abilities. I just think God/fate has a plan and that things will happen when they happen.

I can't imagine being an atheist and getting through IF. Science can only go so far when it comes to making a baby---an RE can only make sure all the pieces are in place--but it takes a miraculous act of God to make those pieces come together. It's unfortunate that so many don't recognize the value in their own kids. When someone says, "Are you sure you want one of these?" or "You can borrow mine," they are undervaluing the miracle that the baby truly is.

Well, here I am asking for my miracle. I'm so ready to have a baby. I've been waiting awhile. I'm a good person. I live a good life. I'll be a good mom, and DH will be an excellent father. We're in a place in our lives where it is time for this to happen. I am asking *you* to make this happen for us. If *you* decide that it's not time, it's ok....we'll keep going as long as *you* give us the means to do so. If I get a BFN, I will not associate that with *your* belief in my inability as a mother; instead, I will take that as a sign to try again.

What a cray morning. We were up at 7, and N. tried hitting the snooze button. I rolled over and said, "No, no, no...you can't. You have to get up and go feel sexy." lol Poor guy. I can't imagine how stressful it is to know you have to perform so early in the morning with your wife waiting upstairs, and you have to start and be done within a 10-minute time frame. How stressful!! I wouldn't be able to do it.

Nonetheless, he's a trooper, and he had a whopper of a count this morning. 23mil pre-wash with 39% motility and 10mil post-wash with 90% motility. Great, great numbers!!! His first SA was 10mil with 50% motility.

The RE said our conditions couldn't be more perfect and that we have great chances. With my 3 eggs and his good count and the perfection of the timing, everything is in place. Now, these pieces just need to connect. If it doesn't happen this cycle (which I dread thinking about), the RE encouraged us to move on to injectibles as most couple who will be successful on Clomid will get pg within the first 3 ovulatory cycles on it. This will be my third cycle.

Now, we enter the dreaded 2ww. I'm so nervous!!

I am so amazed by this year's dancers. Click here to see my newest favorite dance by Kayla and Kupono. Kupono may be gay (clearly, look at his movements), but I definitely have a teeny-bopper crush on him.

I had my second mid-cycle u/s this morning, and I cannot tell you how nervous I was. I had the nervous need-to-pee, and the nervous butterflies-in-my-stomach. I was so worried that screen would show nothing, and that I would have to do another round of clomid.

There was a new doctor at the RE's office. She came in, we talked a little about how much I hate clomid, she asked if I've had any cramps, I told her I've had the worst cramps every this time around, she got the wand ready, put it in, I looked at the screen, and...

*BAM*
I saw the most beautiful follicle on the right side. It was the biggest one I've ever had. It measured 22mm, and it was ready to blow!

Then, she moved the wand to look at the left side, and...

*BAM*
Two more beautiful follies. One of these was a 17mm and the other was 15mm. She said the 17 will probably ovulate and the 15 may ovulate if it grows.

I got a little warning speech about the risk of multiples, but if you've been reading this blog, I would welcome 2 babies--3 would be insane, but I gotta take what I can get.

IUI #1 is tomorrow morning at 9. Everyone, please, cross your fingers, braid your hair, wish on shooting stars, and pray that this works for us.

And now he has a bladder infection. Seriously, what is it going to take to get this poor guy up and healthy??? Poor, poor baby :(

When I feel like I am at my weakest, that is when I figure out how strong I am. When I am at my saddest, I can appreciate my happiness more. When I feel defeated, I find hope in waking up to a brand new day. When I'm facing a brick wall, it may take awhile, but eventually I will find my way past it.

Infertility has made me stronger.

Because of infertility, I have learned not to take things for granted. The little things in life (like the process of making a baby) are miraculous; they are privileges, not rights, and they must be appreciated. I find myself literally taking the time to stop and smell the roses now, because infertility has taught me to appreciate these seemingly minute things.

Because of infertility, I have learned how strong my marriage is. Nathan and I have had no marital problems as a result of OUR infertility. Quite possibly, we are even more supportive of each other now that we're going through this than we have been in the past. I have never loved someone so much in my life.

Because of infertility, I have learned the value of time. When I want time to speed up, it goes even slower, but when I want it to slow down, it speeds up. I know how long a 2 week wait can feel. I know how long half an hour in the waiting room at a doctor's office can feel. I also know how quickly one cycle can end and another can begin.

Because of infertility, I've realized my insatiable need to see the positives in every situation. Even when I'm sad, I find something to feel ok about. Attitude is everything, and because of infertility, I know I have a fantastic attitude.

I would never have realized these things if it weren't for what I'm going through now. Sometimes, it seems, the biggest challenges in life are what make us who we are. I don't think life is about attacking the challenges and making them go away; no, I think that life is about dealing with these challenges and learning from them.

That's how I'm feeling today, just blah. My neck/head hurts from sitting around all day today, but I have accomplished finishing another book and playing two computer games. Oh my GOD!! Did I really just admit to the world that I spent all day reading and playing games on my computer---I am SUCH a DORK!!

Babies are on the brain today, and it hurts, and I hate thinking about it, and I hate waiting and hoping. I've decided to start referring to our "baby-making" as "Operation Baby Hank" (OBH for short), simply because it's sort of embarrassing to keep referring to "baby-making" after almost 16 months. It's more like "baby-hoping" or "baby-really-trying-hard-but-getting-nothing." Operation Baby Hank makes it sound more like what it is turning out to be...after all, isn't that what all of this is about? We're "attacking" my hormones, we're "attacking" Nathan's hormones, we're "attacking" my uterus with probes and (soon-to-be) syringes filled with the man juice. Operation Baby Hank sounds so much more appropriate than "we're trying to have a baby". lol...trying to have a baby is what we were doing in March, 2008, now it's something totally different.

This week is going to go soooooo slowly. The only things I have to look forward to this week (and subsequently, the only days I have any plans to do anything) are Bruno, which we're going to see Thursday afternoon, and my Friday mid-cycle u/s. I'm not even looking forward to Bruno that much because I'm not a huge fan of movies that make me feel uncomfortable (i.e. Jackass), but Nathan's wanted to see it for forever, and since he IS sitting through Harry Potter with me next week, I guess I owe it to him.

I have to confess something, or I'm going to burst. I wasn't supposed to start taking my Clomid last Monday. I was supposed to wait until Tuesday, because the RE couldn't get me an appointment on Thursday ("CD13"), so I was to wait a day, which would make this Friday CD13. I, however, decided to start my pills anyhow since I've always had slow growth and I've never been anywhere near triggering when I've gone in on CD13 in the past. Now, I'm a little nervous that I might've screwed something up. Hopefully not, but I guess we'll see on Friday.

Friday is my next "mid-cycle" u/s, though my last "mid-cycle" u/s was only a little over a week ago. Hopefully, this Friday will have better results and we'll actually be able to do the IUI this weekend or the following Monday.

Sometimes when I'm lying in bed at night, waiting patiently to fall asleep for hours and hours, I get some thought stuck in my mind. I'll obsess about that thought, and it will make it that much more difficult for me to go to sleep. For example, the night before a new school year, I'll OBSESS about conversations I'll have, the way I'll phrase things, whether or not it will be a good school year, etc. Some nights, I get a song stuck in my head and I will sing the same line of that song over and over again. It ends up driving me nuts!

The other night, I had this happen while sleeping in a hotel room in WV. I got this thought in my head that I would have twins, and I obsessed about it. In my "almost sleep" state, I had myself convinced that I could will it to happen. Stupid, I know, but it was about 5 or 6 hours of tossing and turning with the obsessive thought in my head.

Who knows? Maybe Friday will show two beautiful follicles....