Confessions of a Blogaholic

Yes, I am posting again.

There are worse things than infertility. The inability to get pregnant is not a life or death situation. It is stressful, disappointing, a constant battle with my own psyche, emotional, draining. Every ultrasound is like Christmas morning--Do I get a decent gift, like a new cell phone (=1 follie)? An extra awesome gift, like a new car (2 follies)? Or a shitty gift, like socks (=0 follies)? Every day is a battle of will and strength--Can I avoid going to this family gathering so I don't have to look at pregnant people and babies? Can I handle going to the store and seeing pregnant women? Why is it that shitty, undeserving, assholes can have babies and I can't? Every friend and family member is completely helpless to the infertile--not knowing what to do or say, not knowing how to take the unexpected blowups from the bitter hormone-induced bipolar. Infertility sucks.

But it's not the worst thing in the world...Infertility is not cancer; it's not AIDS or MRSA or Swine Flu; it's not tuberculosis or a flesh-eating bacteria. I'm not going to lose a lung, limb, or my life as a result of infertility. I'm not going to lose my hair, be forced to forego sexual relationships, lose my teaching license, or waste away as a result of infertility. In fact, there are some positive aspects of being an infertile...for instance, I know I will NEVER have to go on birth control again for the rest of my life! I know that I will probably slip into an early menopause and stop having periods earlier. There are no positives to those other diseases I mentioned. There are so many things worse than having infertility.

I have to keep reminding myself of that. Every time something doesn't go as planned, I have to remind myself that I'm not dying. Biological or not, I will have a child some day and my disappointment is based in impatience and not devastation. I am strong-willed, strong-minded, and happy...I am not dying.