Confessions of a Blogaholic

Well, yesterday we found out that we're not only facing my IF, we're also facing IF on mu hub's part. I'm not going to go into too many details, because he would hate for the world to know his situation. I will say, though, that additional testing is now required and we're playing a waiting game.

Everything is on hold. Indefinitely. Until we have answers for him. Until we find something that works for him. Until we find something that works for me. Until my cysts are gone. On hold. Indefinitely.

I can't wrap my emotions around all of this any more. I'm starting to feel like I'm at a loss. What I thought would be an easy and quick process is turning into so much more. I'm beginning to feel the cynicism associated with IF. Where I have been filled with optimism and hope for the last 15 months, I'm starting to feel sad and pessimistic. I feel like I'm stuck in a room, and every time a door appears to let me escape, it slams closed in my face.

I'm scared. What if all of the meds and the two-week-waits and the boxes of pregnancy tests and the many, many ultrasounds and tests and probing...What if none of it works? What if I am bracing myself for a possible positive, when I'm not destined to have one? What if I am not meant to have a biological child?

When I was 15 years old lying on my trampoline and dreaming about being a mom, it never crossed my mind that 10 years later, I would be going through all of this.