Confessions of a Blogaholic

Today, we had what I can only call the worst experience of this entire pregnancy.

First, the chick that comes in to get all the info pre-doctor wouldn't listen to me when I told her about triggering, so that have me listed as being only 13w4d. I told her twice that I am about 3 days ahead of that (14w today) because of my trigger shot. She tells me the doc will measure anyhow to confirm delivery date.

Doc comes in. My first question, "Will you be the one to deliver my baby?" Her answer, "No, because I'm actually due about 4 weeks before you." WHAT???? Why didn't anyone tell me this beforehand. I definitely would've switched OBs if I had known that!!! I ask, "When will I meet the person who will deliver me?" She says, "Mid-April." So, you're telling me I will MEET the person who will be DELIVERING MY BABY less than 2 WEEKS before my due date?!?!?!?!?

Anyhow...She decides to use the doppler to find the heartbeat. I undo my pants and she probes around and around by my pubic bone for about 5 minutes. Nothing. Of course, I'm freaking out at this point. So, she decides to do an "ultrasound" (if you want to call it that. Basically, she take the thing out, probes around my pubic bone again and finds nothing. Then, she moves higher. Lo and behold, that baby is about 6 inches higher than it should be right now--it's WAY up behind my belly button. No wonder my belly is getting big already, my stomach had to move to make way for the migrating baby.

She says, "Whoa! I wasn't expecting it to be up that high already. There's the heartbeat, see it?" Well, no, I actually didn't because OB ultrasound equipment sucks my ass. The screen was like 4 inches wide and the baby was so small in the picture that I couldn't see anything. "Let's try the doppler again," she says...after only a 2minute ultrasound.

Doppler...still no heartbeat.

She says, "Ok, well, I saw the heartbeat, so everything's good. See you in a month." And, by the way, they don't do another u/s until 7 MONTHS!!! 7 MONTHS, ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME???? I still have stupid cysts, and they aren't even going to look at them again??? WTF

Then, we go to schedule upcoming appointments. They wanted me in on Tuesday before Thanksgiving, well, I am going on a field trip with the students and there is NO WAY IN HELL I can take that day off. So, I told her this very nicely and she looks at me like I don't deserve to be pregnant. WTF??? I have a JOB, lady. I have RESPONSIBILITIES. You are in the business of working with people, and people have to WORK to MAKE MONEY.

Needless to say, I was unbelievably stressed at this appointment. We are switching to a midwife because we were completely spoiled by the individualized attention we got at the RE, and a midwife would be able to provide us with that kind of attention.

Ugh.

One of my cats (or quite possibly all three) have taken a liking (yet again) to peeing somewhere outside of their boxes. The smell is deadly around (or on) our blue recliner and I'm going to be pissed (haha) if they are pissing in our chair. It smells awful. It's hurting my head. I've doused the chair in OxyClean (for carpets), and it seems it only amplified the smell. FREAKING GROSS.

My eyes are getting worse and worse from the insane vomiting the other night. They honestly look terrible. The whole bottom half of both eyes is dark blood red and it's continuously growing up the outer and inner edges of my left eye. This morning I noticed a beautiful bruise on my left eyelid.

I googled it; apparently you really can blow blood vessels in your eyes from intense retching, so that's definitely the cause. I'm wondering if the lovely blood color will make its way over my entire eye so I can look like some evil vampire or something--Sweet. The kids would love that.

Really....how in the heck can I figure out where the pee is and who is doing it. Damn cats.

So, let's just say I don't think this baby likes steak.

Last night, I had a well, well done steak (accidentally overcooked by moi) at 7:30. Between 8:30 and 10:30 I was retching my guts out in the bathroom. I'm talking the worst retching I've had thus far. I actually BLEW A BLOOD VESSEL in my eye from all of the straining and my face swelled up HUGE! IT. WAS. AWFUL. I passed out at 10:30 from the exhaustion and the swelling only to wake up this morning with an awful blood-red eye and a painful jaw.

I really hope Nathan will get me some Arby's on his way home as nothing else sounds even remotely like it will stay down.

Alexis had her baby last night, which makes me soooo excited for her and Dave! Yay to not having to carry a baby anymore! But, boo to poor baby being in the NICU because of lung function :( Last I talked to her (just a few minutes ago), she hadn't even seen baby Aly yet, and it's been almost 24 hours since the c-section.

While I would love to go a little early, I desperately hope everything holds out until my due date (or May 1st or 2nd as they fall on a weekend), because I only have 3 sick days of wiggle room for my maternity leave to be paid.

Thursday is my OB appointment. I'm hoping and crossing my fingers she can give me like an 80% guess about Baby's gender. I'm SOOO IMPATIENT!!

There are very few things that I KNOW, but here's a list of a few things about which I am SURE.

1. One of my high school English teachers would have killed me for using "things" that many times in one sentence. In fact, "things" is on my banned words list for my students as well. I'm a hypocrite; sue me.
2. I can no longer go to the movies and put both my feet up on the seat in front of me.
3. I hate pants. They are so uncomfortable. I can feel myself being squished and squeezed from deep inside when I wear pants. No wonder so many moms-to-be switch to dresses.
4. I have never drooled so much in my life. I wake up several times during the night to wipe the drool off my face. It's gross--I hope I don't drown, lol.
5. That noise running up the stairs at night is a succession of cats chasing each other, NOT a demon. (Just saw Paranormal Activity, and screamed like a girl!)
6. I have Thursday off this week :)
7. My favorite part of fall is pumpkin flavoring--ice cream, pumpkin rolls, pumpkin pie, pumpkin donuts, Mmmmm (There's the drool again!)
8. There are only 22 school days until Thanksgiving Break, and 37 school days until Christmas Break...But when we come back from Christmas Break, the year drags ON AND ON!
9. I can feel my uterus in the bottom part of my stomach. It's large and hard like a rock. You can rub from side to side of it.
10. You can see it, but my stomach is starting to look pregnant. I can't suck it in (as of yesterday). It is what it is. At least it's doing what it's supposed to.
11. 5 out of 7 days of the week I don't feel like I'm pregnant anymore.
12. I must go wash my hair before heading to my mom's for lunch/dinner.

I'm posting less and less anymore. I knew that would happen once school started.

I realized today that so far this school year, I have not 1) Yelled at any of the kids, 2) Sent any of the kids to the hallway, or 3) Left at the end of the day feeling like a complete and total failure. Part of the explanation for this is that I am letting a whole lot more just slide off my shoulders this year. For instance, when a kid is texting when they are supposed to be reading silently--last year, I would have made a scene, taken the phone, etc. This year, I ignore it--it's their grade. They are given this time to work, and if they choose not to do so, they have to live with the consequences. It's not that I don't care, it just feels like a waste of negative energy to go through the steps. Now, if that cell phone or game thing is out in the open, where they are obviously not trying to hide it, I will resort to my plan from last year.

Another thing I've realized is that I am not taking THEIR failures personally. Last year, I got so offended when kids didn't do their homework. I was annoyed and pissed when they failed quizzes and tests or wrote things in their essays that I specifically spent 3 days telling them not to do ("In this paper, I will tell you..." and "In conclusion,..."). This year, I'm not taking any offense at all. They are kids. They don't listen. They zone out when I'm talking sometimes. This doesn't make me a bad teacher, although I spent 3 years taking classes that said IF this happened, then YOU-the teacher- weren't ENGAGING the kids and using APPROPRIATE means to reach out to them. THAT mindset is bullshit. I could do the chicken dance to the "Thong Song" while throwing out Chipotle burritos and some of those kids WILL. NOT. PAY. ATTENTION. So, this year...it's not MY fault when they fail. They let THEMSELVES down, not me. I'm thinking this is growth as a teacher.

Finally, speaking with parents doesn't bug me as much. I'm more confident in what I'm doing, and I have more belief that what I am doing is right. So, I'm better able to defend my assignments and to explain why an essay is a 60% to the parent of an honors kid. I can stand my ground because I know the fundamentals behind my expectations, and I stand by them. No matter how upset the parent gets.

This year...I feel like a good teacher. I feel like they are learning some things, and I am finding free time. THIS is what teaching is supposed to be like, and I'm glad I'm still enjoying it :)

Baby is between the size of a lime and a medium shrimp today. I can finally feel my ute--it's like a hard, hard orange right in my lower, middle belly. I should probably stop poking at myself as it doesn't seem like it's a good thing to do, lol...

I'm not feeling this week. It seems like it's going to go on forever. Four days this week, my kids are reading silently in class (if I don't give them time in class, it won't get done!), which leaves me to dawdle about and get progressively more tired as the day goes by.

The Geemz is now staying at my mom's house. She was at my aunt's for a couple of weeks, now she's staying at mom's. She's not walking as much; she's having a difficult time eating anything (most of it keeps coming back up); she's tired all of the time and has lost 11 pounds in the last month. It amazes me that modern science can make a baby for my hubs and I, but it can't cure something like cancer.

A little over a week until we can see the baby again :)

I just scheduled my first REAL OB appointment today, and finally, I feel like a regular pregnant lady!! My first appointment is supposed to be like an hour to an hour-and-a-half, but I completely forgot to tell the scheduler that I've already had all the regular tests (pap, blood work, etc.) and those results will be faxed to the OB before my appointment, so I won't be needing them again. Perhaps the appointment won't be as long as a result.

One big annoyance...I told the scheduler I am 11 weeks and 5 days along and have been working with the RE through the first tri. She says, "When was the first day of your LMP?" I say, "Well, it doesn't matter that much since I triggered early in that cycle." She says, "Well, we base your due date and how far along you are on your LMP." I say, "I understand you do that for NORMAL people, but I had a trigger shot, so it changes the number of days and what-not." Her reply, "I still need your LMP." Ugh...First the nurse at the RE didn't listen to me, now the OB scheduler won't listen to me. Apparently, my RE and OB are good friends, though, so I'm sure they'll figure something out.

Not sure what else to expect at that appointment. I'll be 14 weeks that day, and I know it's wishful thinking to hope we can get even a guess at gender, but I'm REALLY hoping they'll be able to give us one. If not, I'm sure we'll find out at the 18-20 week appointment :)

Conferences are tomorrow, and they make me so nervous. I bet parents never think about how the TEACHER feels at parent-teacher conferences. I asked my mm the other day and she said it never crossed her mind that the teacher might be nervous. What makes me nervous, you ask? I want parents to know that I am really doing my best to educate their child...I want them to believe in me as a teacher. But when a parent comes storming in to blame me for their child's failing grade (I mean, it obviously can't have anything to do with the fact that they haven't turned any assignments in for the entire quarter...), I don't think they realize how much time, effort, and careful consideration I really do put into my job. I hope I'm never one of THOSE parents :/ Wish me luck!

Every time I see my baby on the ultrasound screen, I realize how not real all of this feels. I do not feel like I am pregnant. I do not feel like there is a life inside of me. I especially do not feel like I am going to be holding my tiny baby in my arms in only 6 months. Absolutely none of this feels real.

When I laughed today, the baby jumped on the screen. My movement made the baby move. It's there, and it's reacting. But I still don't feel like this is happening.

First, let me relate to you what I woke up thinking this morning. My first trimester should go down in the books as the easiest first trimester in history. I threw up twice, gagged three times, and was super exhausted (but I'm pretty used to feeling exhausted all the time), but I honestly cannot complain. This has been a relatively easy 11 weeks. I've had no miscarriage scares, and I feel pretty good 90% of the time. *Knock on Wood* that the rest of this pregnancy will be as easy.

I have to do some serious cleaning today. The hubs has been keeping it up over the last 5 or 6 weeks, but he's a man, and he misses a lot of the real dirt. For example, there has been a pair of socks (don't know if they're clean or dirty) under the table for the last 3 or 4 weeks, but he doesn't "see" them (or want to go through the hassle of moving a chair and bending over to pick them up). So, yes, I have to go through the house and add my woman's touch, but I'm not going to complain because he has been doing a pretty good job.

This week...I have my 11w4d ultrasound on Monday, and I'm hoping this will be the last appointment with the RE. I'm looking forward to scheduling my "BIG" scan with the OB asap. Tuesday, thank God for having nothing to do! Wednesday we have parent-teacher conferences from 3:00-9:30, so of course, I'll want to kill myself. Thursday, I have to take volleyball tickets from 4 until 7:30ish (PLEASE let me make it home in time for Vampire Diaries!!! Friday, luckily, I do not have school (it's our comp day for the LOOOOOOONG day Wednesday), but it is our homecoming game, and I'm thinking about going to it. Saturday is our homecoming dance, and I got sucked into taking tickets and chaperoning from 7:30-10:30 (Yawn!). So, yes...it is going to be a bastard of a week. Don't be offended if I am completely out of commission and unable to text you, call you, or answer the phone when you call and I will be napping in between everything else.

Hey, at least it will help this last week and a half of my first trimester pass quickly!

Honestly, it has to be the hormones because I have never been so annoyed with so many people in one day. The simplest thing today seemed to send me reeling, and I had to fight to bite my tongue until I got in the car and could call people stupid morons on the phone to the hubs. On my list of annoyances: coworkers, some of my students, the brightness of the sun, the pain I've had in my back for several weeks now (I'm unable to walk without a serious limp in the evenings), and my inability to drink enough water to avoid feeling super swollen in the afternoons and evenings. Ugh to all of it! But I'm sure I won't be as pissy tomorrow--although, as far as the kids are concerned, the ones I had a smart mouth with today probably will hate me the rest of the year, because you know, I'm so mean and "such a bitch" and all...Oh well.

In better news...I thought I had been putting on all this weight. I've been feeling so fat and disgusting for at least the last month, but I was too scared to step on the scale (denial and ignorance are amazing tools for a positive self-esteem). In fact, when people ask me how I'm doing, I usually reply "fat." Most of my pants are unwearable because I cannot button them at all anymore (though I've developed this skill to somehow fasten them up and hide that area of my pants with a sweater. I finally decided to hope on the scale this morning to see what the deal was, and guess what...Other than the 5-7 pounds I put on from my summer of sloth, I've gained NOTHING. I haven't gained a damn thing. So, this excess weight on my middle must just be organs moving or something. I don't know. No other explanation.

Edited to add...My boobs are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sore. It's like knives stabbing be when anything touches them. This has been going on just about the whole time, but getting progressively worse. I now wake up at night when I roll over on them. Ouch!

I've been craving apples and other juicy fruits like a mo-fo. Can anyone tell me why the apples at my main grocery store are $2.99/lb (marked down from $5.99/lb!!!!). I'll die if I have to go without them, but there's no way in hell I'd pay that much for a freaking apple.

A couple of things...

First, a recent picture of my beautiful grandma. Every day is a waiting game to see how she is going to feel, whether or not she'll be able to go to work, and whether or not she'll be able to receive her treatments. I wish you all could have the pleasure of such an amazing person in your lives.

Second, today is the first day I have had energy in almost 10 weeks. I've spent many of the last few weekends napping in and out of consciousness, but today...I'm finally awake and working on the things that need to get done! I did a bit of cleaning (not too much to do, though, since my hubs has been keeping it up for at least the last 4 weeks!), finished a bit of planning/reading/quiz making for work, edited some kids' yearbook pages, and I'm thinking about going shopping in a few minutes. I feel really, really great finally. Fingers crossed it isn't just a fluke!

I've put up a new poll that I will be leaving up for the next couple of months. We should be able to find out the baby's gender within the next 6-10 weeks, depending on when I finally make it to the OB and whether the baby cooperates or not. So, I just thought I'd see what ya'll are thinking in terms of gender. I have my thoughts, and Nathan has his (they don't match, of course, lol)...we'll see!!