Confessions of a Blogaholic

Dear Uterus,

There comes a time in every woman's life when baby-making is on the brain. That time has been the past 15 months for me. My biological clock is frantically ticking. I smile at babies; I stroll through baby stores and baby departments; I look at cute baby clothes; I picture babies packed snuggly into their car seats in the back of the new Jeep I bought specifically for babies! I do everything every other woman who wants to be a mom does in preparation for that little one.

Instead of assisting me on this path, you have chosen to be a bitch. Now, don't take too much offense to that---I understand, I have mistreated you in the past. I've complained about your natural processes (or lack thereof), and I've moaned about some of the ungodly cramps you've gifted to me. So, maybe I deserve a little apathy on your part. But never, and I mean NEVER, have I had to sit through as much pain as I have during these "procedures" to check and make sure you're functioning correctly.

For instance, today, during the HSG, I was hoping to find a blocked tube or something. Something to justify your lack of cooperation with me in my baby-making pursuits. But, when the X-ray tech passed the X-ray machine over my dye-filled, swollen, pain-stricken uterus, there you were on the X-ray screen, smiling slyly and oh so menacingly perfect in response.

I need you to help me out here. I need you to get yourself together and understand that I have a whole life left for you to torture me. All I'm asking for is 9 months of your time to create, house, and nourish a baby. All I need is just a little participation on your part in putting this together--all the pieces have been perfectly aligned, and I just need you to seal the deal. Help a sista out!!

In highest regards,
Anxiously Awaiting Your Cooperation

________________________________________________________________________

Dear Realtor,

You are pissing me off. Why is it that I haven't heard from you now since last Thursday? I'd be stupid to think that there are NO HOUSES out there that match our requests. Then again, I guess you'd have to talk to us to find out what our requests are.

Let me remind you how your job works. See, you get PAID when you get us into a HOUSE and the contract is CLOSED. You DON'T GET PAID if we either 1) Don't get a house, or 2) Decide to go with another realtor. Yes, that's right. At this point, we are very close to sacrificing the $1,000 we get from Lifestyle for using you simply because you are too busy to do your job correctly. What's that???? You can't remember how to do your job?? Well, let me tell you....you find us houses (WE are NOT SUPPOSED to find houses for OURSELVES--THAT is YOUR JOB!), you take us to see houses that fit our needs (You MEET us at these houses, we do not PICK YOU UP and DRIVE YOU to them!!!), you give us suggestions on offers to make (You don't just say, "Well, whatever number you feel comfortable with!"), and YOU keep in contact with US until we successfully find a home. Going a week without any contact is a sign of a BAD REALTOR.

And let me tell you something, lady. You can sit in my backseat while we're driving to look at homes and fiddle with your Blackberry and tell us how oh-so busy you are and how it's so hard for you to find the time to balance everything in your life. BUT LET ME REMIND YOU---Those of us who don't carry Blackberries are JUST AS BUSY!! I don't have the time to do YOUR JOB for myself. YOU picked YOUR JOB. Noone picked it FOR YOU....

So. Do your damn job, or I fear we aren't going to find a house.

Signed,
Annoyed