Confessions of a Blogaholic

Yes, I am posting again.

There are worse things than infertility. The inability to get pregnant is not a life or death situation. It is stressful, disappointing, a constant battle with my own psyche, emotional, draining. Every ultrasound is like Christmas morning--Do I get a decent gift, like a new cell phone (=1 follie)? An extra awesome gift, like a new car (2 follies)? Or a shitty gift, like socks (=0 follies)? Every day is a battle of will and strength--Can I avoid going to this family gathering so I don't have to look at pregnant people and babies? Can I handle going to the store and seeing pregnant women? Why is it that shitty, undeserving, assholes can have babies and I can't? Every friend and family member is completely helpless to the infertile--not knowing what to do or say, not knowing how to take the unexpected blowups from the bitter hormone-induced bipolar. Infertility sucks.

But it's not the worst thing in the world...Infertility is not cancer; it's not AIDS or MRSA or Swine Flu; it's not tuberculosis or a flesh-eating bacteria. I'm not going to lose a lung, limb, or my life as a result of infertility. I'm not going to lose my hair, be forced to forego sexual relationships, lose my teaching license, or waste away as a result of infertility. In fact, there are some positive aspects of being an infertile...for instance, I know I will NEVER have to go on birth control again for the rest of my life! I know that I will probably slip into an early menopause and stop having periods earlier. There are no positives to those other diseases I mentioned. There are so many things worse than having infertility.

I have to keep reminding myself of that. Every time something doesn't go as planned, I have to remind myself that I'm not dying. Biological or not, I will have a child some day and my disappointment is based in impatience and not devastation. I am strong-willed, strong-minded, and happy...I am not dying.

I had my mid-cycle follie check, and I was prepared for the bad news of having only one follie. While in the waiting room, I kept telling myself I would be ok with just one growing follicle; things would be alright.

So, to find out I had NO GROWTH was something for which I was not prepared. There was absolutely NO RESPONSE to the 100mg of Clomid this time.

Here's the plan for the near future...I start 150mg tonight and go back on the 10th for another midcycle. If there is growth, we will move on with the IUI as planned; if not, I will start 200mg of Clomid that night and go back for another midcycle 10 days later. Again, if there is growth, we will do the IUI; if not, it's on to injectibles for me. All of this is, of course, providing my husband doesn't kill me for the raging bitch I become when taking these meds.

My ovaries hurt (I was banking on the pain as a sign of growth, but alas...); my head hurts from this constant disappointment and this seemingly endless path of roadblocks; mostly, my heart hurts because my body won't function the way it's supposed to, and now it won't even function when it's being forced.

Damn.

Follie Check tomorrow, and I'm hoping for a (two, please) big one. I'll more than likely have to head back to the doc on Wednesday for a second check because mine never seem to be big enough at the first round.

In other news...wait...there IS NO OTHER NEWS, since I've been doing a while lot of NOTHING since school let out. I'm bored out of my mind. This is what I've done so far this break: Read two books (Unwind, and The Boy in the Striped Pajamas) and am halfway through my third (How I Live Now), gone to several movies including the one I went to by myself, went on a few bike rides with hubs, babied my sick cat, cleaned, cleaned, cleaned, organized my file box, played some computer games, cooked dinner, kept up with the laundry, went shopping a couple times while hubs was at work....that's about it. I'm incredibly understimulated.

I think I'm going back to school this fall. I have to go eventually anyhow to keep my license current. I've only got 5 classes and another Praxis test left to get my curriculum specialist license. Of course, this time, I can take my time with the coursework...I'm not in a rush to get things done. If nothing else (i.e. if the baby thing doesn't work out for me by next year), maybe I can spend next summer taking classes. I wouldn't feel like such a useless blob.

IUI #1 coming this week.

I'd be due March 30 (1 day after hubs' birthday), which is in the middle of our spring break. I'd only have to go back to work for the last two weeks of the school year (if they made me go back for those two weeks).

If it happens next cycle, I'll be due April 29, and I won't have to go back to work at all.

If it happens the 4 cycles after that, it will either be during the summer next year or at the beginning of the school year, and I would have extended time off.

"Most pregnancies resulting from insemination with the male partner's sperm occur in the first 3 attempts. The chances for success per month drop off after about 3 attempts and drop considerably more after about 4-5 unsuccessful attempts. Therefore, IUI treatment is usually recommended for a maximum of about 3 or 4 tries." (advancedfertility.com)

So, if IUI is going to work, the best chance of it working with be within my vacation times above!! :)

Thank God. Tonight is my last night of Clomid, and I have never been so thankful. The last five days of medication have literally driven me over the edge, and although I am prone to moderate, semi-bipolar mood swings, I have never felt myself go from 0 to enraged like I have this time. Let me give you some examples...

1) I exploded at hubs last night at 10:45 (2 hours after my dose) because he wouldn't go with me to the grocery store to get more ace bandages for Stink's neck. Granted, he had worked a 13-hour day in the hot, hot sun, had to be up to go to work this morning at 6:30, and he was getting ready to go to bed...but in my Clomid crazy mind, his unwillingness to go was equivalent to him wanting Stink to get infected and die.

2) On Sunday, Hubs and I were supposed to go see The Proposal. He left to go do something for awhile, and I sat and waited for him to get back. We were supposed to be at the movie at 3:45, which meant we needed to leave by 3. Well, 3:30 rolls around, and hubs finally shows up. Of course, I went off in another Clomid-induced rage. I ended up telling him to stay at home while I went to watch it on my own.

3) John & Kate came on about an hour after I took my pills last night. Filled with all the womanly hormones, I found myself LITERALLY BAWLING when I see that final screen that said: "As of June 22, 2009, a dissolution has been filed to end the 10-year marriage of Jon and Kate." I still feel a lump in my throat just thinking about it.

This has been nuts. I'm so over Clomid. If this cycle doesn't work, I'm ready to move on to some injects--maybe I'll have less of this bullshit.

Speaking of this cycle, my IUI is next week....yay...I'm not feeling incredibly optimistic about it after perusing through some of the statistics on the internet. Honestly, if I only get one follie combined with hubs' sperm issues, I'm kind of wondering if there is even a point in shelling out the $250 for the insemination when those two combined factors equal such a low success rate.

No. I can't sit here and be so negative. I have to think positive because being optimistic is half the battle in infertility. Yes, there is a low success rate given those factors, but all it takes is 1 sperm and 1 egg for it to happen. I'm going to pin all my optimism on that one fact.

I've finally gotten around to taking some pictures of Stink. I am literally getting sick to my stomach looking at his gaping wounds. I can't imagine how awful he feels; he looks awful. I find myself now sleeping super lightly so I can stop him from licking himself throughout the night. He will literally sit and lick for HOURS on end. It breaks my heart to see him looking so bad. Here's the pics...

 
Photo #1: Stink looking away from the camera. Do you see that gaping open wound there? That is where he has spent months scratching away into his skin. It's completely awful.

The next pic is really graphic, so you may want to stop reading now.



Photo #2: Stink with his head back. Yes, I am holding his head back, but I promise it wasn't hurting him. He actually seems to enjoy having this mess rubbed, which I take advantage of and rub with some feline soothing spray stuff.

And finally...


Photo #3: What we've started doing to try and help. He looks like he is in some torture device, and I can't understand why he's not fighting to get out of it. It's wrapped loosely, but he's had it on pretty much all day today. Man, I hope it helps those places heal.

We're on Day 3 of 253 days of the allergy vaccine. The vet said he will look worse before he starts to look better, but I never imagined he could look this miserable.

RE appointment this morning--cysts are gone!! Moving on to (yet) another cycle, but this time, we'll be doing 5 days of Clomid 100mg starting tonight, trigger probably on the 1st or 2nd of July based on my own calculations, and the IUI on either the 3rd or 4th (?? If RE does IUIs on holidays). I am feeling slightly optimistic since this is really the best chance we've had so far at this working--given hubs' SA results and finding out that we didn't have great chances in past cycles. In the back of my mind, though, there is some weird, pessimistic voice that says because this is our 1st IUI, it won't work. Like, we need to build up to a successful IUI or something, which I know isn't the case. I have just as much possibility for success with IUI #1 as I do with IUI #7. I hope this works. I hope this works. I hope this works.

In Stink news, we got the allergy treatment for him (all $200 of it, $520 if you count the allergy test!). The treatment consists of about 50 syringes that we will use to administer three vials of serum containing varying concentrations of his 22 (!!!) allergens over the next 200 or so days. As the "allergy treatment diary" that came with the syringes and vials states: "You should see results in 3-5 months." 3-5 months!!! Stink is going to have several layers of skin licked away in that time. I'm hoping it works quicker than that. We (meaning, Nathan) have to give him these shots every other day for the first month, then every 5 days the next couple months, then every 10-12 days for a few more months, then he goes to once a month for the rest of his life. Whew!