Confessions of a Blogaholic

I started my period tonight. There will be no news of pregnancy in April.

I cannot tell you how crushed I am. I cannot tell you how upset it makes me to be so out of control. I would never wish this feeling on anyone. To have the one thing I want seem so far out of my reach is miserable.

Kristen, I don't know how you've been through what you've been through.

Well, folks, I think this cycle was a bust. This morning, 14dpo, I got another bfn, and for the first time since I started taking the hpts, I actually cried. I cried while patiently waiting, hoping the other line would show; I cried in the shower; I cried while brushing my teeth; I cried while trying to do my hair. I've come to terms with the failure of this cycle, and I'm so sad.

I cannot understand why I have to continue to go through months of disappointment when so many people have such an easy time getting pregnant. My God, getting pregnant is the one thing my body is designed to do and despite 13 months of trying, I have been unsuccessful in doing it.

Since 12 of my 13 months TTC were in vain because of anovulatory cycles, this was the first real chance I've ever had at getting pg. This was the first time all the pieces and parts were in the right places at the right times, and still...nothing. I am unbelievable heartbroken and disappointed.

For those that think there may still be a chance, let me school you in the mathematics of reproduction. HCG trigger= O 36 hours later (Friday night two weeks ago); 6-12 days after O, implantation takes place (at the latestWednesday); 2 days after that, the HCG hormone shows up (should've been today). There is very little chance that tomorrow's hpt will show anything other than what I've seen the last 5 days.

Again, totally heartbroken and disappointed.

Today, I am technically 9dpo (days past ovulation) until 10pm tonight. I thought yesterday was 9dpo, but it was actually 10dpt (days past trigger).

Regardless, I started testing yesterday and got my first Big Fat Negative (bfn). This was the negative I was hoping for, because it means the trigger is now completely out of my system--I needed to see that negative before any positive could be reliable. I tested again this morning only to see another negative. Granted, I definitely knew it was too early, but I thought maybe it would show a faint positive. Then, on the ride home from school, I spent about 25 minutes talking myself out of POAS when I got home ('it's not even your fmu anymore!' 'You're just going to disappoint yourself.' 'But wouldn't it be cool if it was positive and you could take a picture of it with your phone and send it to Nathan while he's at work???'). Of course, that didn't work, and I ended up testing again when I got home.

I am fighting the urge already to stop myself from jumping up in the morning and testing again. At this rate, I'll be out of tests by Wednesday, lol. But I sooo want to see those two lines or that "pregnant" as soon as humanly possible, and plenty of research says it's feasible by 10dpo. I know so much about HCG levels in early pregnancy and the most reliable tests and how much HCG each various test brand can detect...all this knowledge in an attempt to make that test positive.

In all honesty...I've got myself so set on getting a positive this week that I'm not sure what I'll do if I get bfn's all week. So far, I've seen 3 bfn's, and each one makes me feel just a little more disappointed--yes, yes, I know it is still SOOOOO EARLY.

This has officially been the most difficult 11 days of my life as far as my patience has been concerned.

Yesterday was my annual pap with the OB/GYN, and I got to hear the wonderful news about how unbelievably fat I am. Wonderful. Mind you, this is the first time I've ever actually met my OB in the 7 years I've been going to this office. Let's just be honest about it...I weigh 213 pounds and stand 5'8". Obviously, I am overweight. I'm not one to deny it--clearly, wearing a size 16 pants and XL shirts is overweight. I know I need to get healthy. I even know HOW to get healthy (my goodness I've read enough books on it in the last couple of years): eat less, exercise more, blah blah blah, but I don't do it.

The doc made two comments for me to ponder:

1) She asked how far Nathan and I were ready to go with the IF stuff, and I said I'm hoping the trigger worked so we won't have to answer that question. She said, "Well, if this cycle doesn't work, I'd suggest taking some time off to get your weight under control before you continue. Then, we can aggressively attack the IF in the fall when it's better timing for a teacher to get pregnant anyhow." This pretty much pissed me off. First of all, there are plenty of people who are MUCH bigger than I that get pregnant. To imply that I am so unhealthy I should wait to have kids is definitely unjustified. Second, I'm wondering if her idea of "aggressively attacking" my IF in the fall involves all of the 60-day waiting periods I was originally doing with them. Also, I'm amazed that as a doctor, she would think I could just snap my fingers in the fall and get pregnant. Why the hell would I take a break now after I've already been trying for a year in the hopes that I could magically get pregnant during the fall???

2) The second comment she made that left me thinking was..."Because you are already overweight, if you are pregnant, we would ask you to only gain 20 or 25 pounds instead of the 30 we usually like to see our patients gain." From my internet research, there is no need to gain that much weight. Some doctors say that overweight patients can gain a maximum of 15 pounds and still have a healthy pregnancy. Regardless, the very idea that I would weight between 230 and 240 pounds scared the life out of me. I cannot weigh that much. I will not weigh that much.

I came home from the appointment nearly in tears. No, that's a lie; I came home from the appointment in tears because I am so tired of having to worry about my weight. I am a FOOD ADDICT. Some people can have a box of Oreos or a candy drawer in their house from which they eat every now and then--not me. If I have a box of Oreos, I want to eat them....all....as quickly as possible. Chocolate doesn't stand a chance with me. I will eat it....all....as quickly as possible. So, after the appointment, I cried to Nathan about how I need help to get my weight under control. I can't do it myself. I need him to jump on the bandwagon with me--to go for walks with me, to help cook healthy foods with more decent-sized portions, to keep all the junk food out of the house. Luckily, he agreed. Hopefully we can (together) get in control of ourselves and our eating habits. We DON'T want to have fat kids, and being a fat pregnant lady only predisposes my baby to being fat itself (FYI--I'm not referring to that chubby baby, "Oh so cute, look at his fat little arms" fatness. I'm referring to that, "Your child is in danger of diabetes because he's 5 years old and weighs 120 pounds" fatness.).

I'm feeling pretty miserable. It's like I want time to fly so I can get to next Saturday when I am able to test, but at the same time, I want time to go slowly so I can enjoy my spring break. I'm anxious, nervous, and excited about testing next Saturday, but nervous, sad, and distressed that as of Monday, I'll have 7 straight weeks of school left with no days off. Grr.

It's weird to explain, but I really feel like this trigger worked. I feel like my test is going to be positive. In the back of my mind, getting a positive on a pregnancy test doesn't even seem like a big deal because I already FEEL like I am pregnant--almost like I know the test will eventually show a positive.

The 2ww is murder. It's inhuman to make someone wait so long to find out if something has been successful.

Hola--at the mention of a friend, I decided to visit this "postsecret.com" site, which just so happens to be on blogspot. I read through dozens of posts and, being interested, googled "Post Secret" to come up with hundreds of additional postings on various other sites. These secrets are crazy! They range from cheating on a spouse to wanting abortions, but my favorite (and the most disturbing one I saw) was a picture of the World Trade Centers that said, "The people who knew me before 9/11 think I'm dead." What?????!!!!!

So, I started thinking about my deepest, darkest secrets, and realized (much to my chagrin) that I honestly do not have any!!! I feel amazingly superficial...am I not a deep person? Is there something wrong with the fact that I don't have anything hidden from people???

This is the only "weird" secret-ish thing I can think of, but most of you already know it...Sometimes, I can "see" germs and bacteria and grossness. For example, when I go to a buffet, I look at all the tongs and spoons in the food and I can almost see a green/brown goo on the handles--yuck! When someone sneezes, in my head I see green goo flying out of their mouths---gross! I habitually wash my hands throughout the day because I'm so afraid of what might be on them. I'm forever thankful that grocery stores now have those sanitizing wipes to use on carts; sometimes I use them on my hands too. Oh, oh, and I can't drink milk out of glass cups because the mixing smells of the glass and the milk makes me want to vomit.

That's it. That's all the secret I have. Sad, isn't it?

That's right, I got my HCG trigger shot. As I type, a 2cm follicle is prepping to leave my ovary and make its way to babydom. In two weeks and two days, I will know if I'm ktfu! How exciting!

The cutest part was calling my hubs and hearing how excited HE WAS about the trigger. I said, "Guess what? I triggered this time!" He said, "You did? Oh my God! That's awesome!!!" He was giggling with excitement--and for a man who never shows his emotion, giggling with excitement means he was really really excited.

Baby here we come!

In other news, my principal told me I am a fantastic teacher today. I went in to ask a question, and as I was leaving, he said, "Hank, come back here a minute. I just wanted to tell you that you are a fantastic teacher. I meant that. You are a really great teacher." I felt so flattered.