Confessions of a Blogaholic

I cried at the funeral. Like a baby. I bawled and felt my heart break into pieces. I felt my soul aching for someone who isn't there anymore. I cried a tear for every moment, every memory, every conversation, and every exchange that will never happen again. I sobbed into Nathan's shoulder and was so thankful he was there for me. Today, I felt the sorrow that I have been so desperately burying deep under a pile of other to-do's. I watched the casket close and knew it was over.

And now...I try to live a life that my grandmother would appreciate. Someone said to me today that if we have learned nothing from Ray and Mildred (my grandparents) we have sure learned how to treat other people with dignity, respect, and care, and we have learned how best to love our families. Though I may not totally believe it, it is a comfort to think there is life after death. And if there IS life after death, and if Mammaw and Pappaw ARE keeping an eye on me from some ethereal place, then the best way to honor their memory and keep them alive is to continue/begin to live a life that upholds these values.

They are never coming back, but they have left their legacy on this world. I will wait, patiently, for this pain to pass. There will come a day when I won't pick up my phone and press speed dial #5 to call Mammaw as I have done so frequently in the past. There will come a time I won't be scared to look at the ga.hanna.scho.ools website just to see if her name is still listed as the the trans. supervisor. Some day, I'll realize that my "big news!" calling list is now only two people long and not 3. Some day I won't sit here and wipe away the tears while I type a blog. All in due time, I'm sure...

Until then...I need to begin working toward living up to the standards they so graciously set for all of us. I want to walk with the dignity they carried. I want to love and understand my husband the way they loved and understood each other (something, I'm sure, that only comes after 50 years of marriage!). I want to take pride in small accomplishments and do without expecting things to be done. I want to be close to my family. What better way to remember them than to work toward being more like them?