Confessions of a Blogaholic

The fact that we are leaving 2009 behind tonight doesn't really seem as dramatic to me as it does every other year. Most years, I make a list of "goals" ("resolutions" tend to go by the wayside pretty quickly, but you can always come back to finish your "goals") that I want to accomplish within the next year. They usually consist of paying off debts, losing weight, all the typical stuff. My goals for 2009 were to pay of debts (and yet we dug ourselves a little further in with the purchase of a new car, lol), have a baby (in the midst of that), and buy a house (working our way towards that). So, all-in-all, I can say 2009 was a pretty productive year.

I'm kind of freaked about 2010 right now. For the same reasons I wrote about in my "stressing" blog a couple days ago. There is so much going on, where do I even begin to start with goals? My only real goal is to lose weight after the baby comes, but again, that's been the same goal I've had for years. I feel like life is at some sort of standstill for Nathan and I right now...we're waiting on so many things. It's like we're teetering on the edge of a cliff waiting to be pushed down the side. All I know is somehow we will make it through this year with all it is about to bring.

So...here's to 2010. This will probably be one of the busiest, craziest, most stressful years of my life, but I'm ready for it. Let's just hope the bank account can keep up with the every-pressing financial demands, my sanity can keep up with many sleepless nights, and that my patience doesn't wear out before this time next year. Good luck to all in the new year :)

I am freaking sick today. WTH??? Last night, my eyes were watering excessively (probably because I've had my contacts in too long, but I didn't think of that until the morning when my husband asked me when I last changed them), and I woke up this morning to them being completely sealed closed. Totally gross.

My head feels like it's going to blow up, my nose is so stuffed I can hardly breathe, and my lips are officially cracked from all the mouth breathing.

But Rylee is having a freakin' blast in my belly today, so at least one of us is feeling well :)

So, I'm pretty stressed. I'm on vacation, and I should be enjoying my time, but I am just stressed out. There is too much going on. Each day is turning into a whirlwind and I'm not accomplishing anything. Here's what's going on...

Stink
Yes, we are still working on Stink. He looks sooooo much better, but for every step we take forward, we end up taking 2 steps back. The dermatologist is planning a skin biopsy for him on Friday, Jan 8th, so we'll see if his skin isn't the root of all his problems. He isn't reacting well to the steroids (we'll find out soon if his reaction is due to a bladder infection instead of the steroids, though), and if the biopsy comes back negative for all the stuff they're testing AND he can't stay on steroids for his itching, we are pretty much out of luck.

LUCKILY, my mom has let us leave Stink at her house the last week and, hopefully, until next Friday. It's still almost just as worrisome and stressful as it is taking care of him here full-time, though, because I keep going over there to coddle him like a baby.

Houses
We got approved for $150k for a house!!!! That's awesome news!!! The not-so-awesome news is that we now have to find a house and get into contract on it so we can close by April 2. We've had to alter our expectations for a home--we aren't going to get the kind of home we'd like to have if we keep holding out for a 1/2 acre. I'm worried about all the money that goes along with home buying. We have a nice chunk saved up, but with the down payment, closing costs (fingers crossed we can get seller to pay), inspection costs, moving costs, and our lease buy-out, 2010 is looking like an insanely expensive year.

Taxes
Has anyone else taken a preliminary look at their taxes this year? Let's just say that we (Nathan and I, at least) got completely screwed by this wonderful "stimulus" money on each paycheck (remember that extra $15 a week we'd all receive?). I never changed my number of dependents because we've always gotten a few thousand back, so I assumed it would work out fine, but it didn't. I'm pretty pissed because I'd rather them NOT give me that extra money on my paychecks and me NOT end up paying in this year. We got royally screwed by our taxes this year. Blows.

All that being said, we need to close on a house before we file our taxes so what we owe can come out of our $8,000 tax credit.

Baby Rylee
Every day, I get more and more stressed about being so close to Rylee's arrival. I'm freaking about the number of appointments I'll be having in the next 4 months, and I'm freaking about the fact that someone decided Nathan and I were good enough to be someone's PARENTS!!!

Stressing
I'm stressing about stressing (ironically) because I don't want to screw up my pregnancy and all that good stuff.

Deep breaths, calm thoughts, studying pictures of the beach, closing eyes, counting backward from 10, drinking a chocolate milkshake....Soothing thoughts, warm showers, scented candles, this too shall pass. I can do this. I can do all of this. I can handle it because it wouldn't be happening if I couldn't.

I promised I'd never post pictures of just my belly anywhere, but I couldn't resist now that it's with me all the time, lol.

22 weeks 4 days

Last week, we headed off to Myrtle Beach. It's sort of a family tradition we have because my grandparents always took us to MB during Christmas vacations growing up. I must have gone with them at least 5 times. We would swim in the hotel pool, go bowling at a nearby hotel, visit the Wacamaw Mall...I have so many memories of my many trips with my grandparents.

Here's some for you...
My grandpa used to always get me up bright and early in the morning so we could head to the beach to look for shells. It was like a g-pa/g-daughter thing we did together, and I'm so glad I have so many shells to help me remember these mornings.

On one such morning, I found a starfish. I wanted to throw it back out in the ocean, but my grandpa said it was already dead if it had washed up on shore. He had me bring it back to the hotel room and let it "dry out" (i.e. die). I still have that starfish, and it's one of my most prized possessions.

I remember going to souvenir shops. That was one thing we did ALL THE TIME. My grandparents loved to look at souvenirs, though I don't remember them buying much for themselves.

I remember stopping at this little tiny one-room church on the way to MB. It had like 6 tiny pews, 3 on either side. We always signed the guest book.

I remember Pappaw waking me (and anyone else in the van) up many, many times during the trip to tell us about different trees, tell us what he would do "if he owned that land," teach us about glass in the road pavement in SC, and show us what real cotton looks like when it's growing. He should be proud that he imparted so much information to us.

I remember arguing with my brother and cousin, lol.

I remember trips to the Dixie Stampede and getting a "boot" with the strawberry drink in it.

So, so, so many of my childhood memories are centered on MB. And I was lucky enough to make so many more on this trip.

For instance, this is what happens when you get Mammaw in an electric cart in the midst of aisles that are WAY TOO CLOSE...


And this is what you (or my mom and I) can do with a few bucks worth of Christmas decorations...




...and here they are from the beach...



Then, there was this...

...when we talked my grandma into posing like she was holding the palm tree up. Too, too funny. Wish I had gotten the close-up shot where you can tell she is posing like a model.

We got some family shots on the beach, but you'll need to excuse my pregnant blimpiness and ill-fitting sweater, lol...


We also went to the Dixie Stampede, which is like Medieval Times but with a holiday theme. While it's a little cheesy now, I remember thinking it was the coolest thing in the world when I was little.

The Preshow...




During the show, Rocky and Roberta got picked to be in the show. Pretty cool...


Well, at least they won :)

There was searching for shells...


...and plenty of Yahtzee, Boggle, and Catch Phrase...


But most importantly, there was time spent with family. Memories made with my awesome mother and my amazing g-ma. Times I'll never forget for the rest of my life...

A brief thought before I head out on my trip...

My midwife encouraged us to do birthing classes--especially if we want to do an unmedicated birth. My OB encouraged us to do birthing classes. All the pregnancy books encourage us to do birthing classes. But, I don't think we're going to do any birthing classes.

Here's my philosophy on the whole thing...In the end of it all, a baby is going to come out of me one way or another. Either my "butt is going to fall off, and the baby comes out, and you have to dig around to get the baby" (a la Knocked Up), or they are going to slice me open and rip the baby from my womb. One way or another, she's coming out. She can't, unfortunately, stay warm and protected in my uterus for the next 20 years, lol.

So, does it matter if I take birthing classes? Does it matter if I have practiced breathing techniques, if I know how to visualize to alleviate some of the pain, if I know how they use the vacuum thingy or the forceps? Does it matter if I plan and plan to have a vaginal birth? No, not really. None of it really matters.

I'll have to reiterate my argument that women are designed to give birth. I think we have to rely on our natural instincts to do something that is as inherent to us as breathing air. We are supposed to do it; we are mechanically inclined toward incubation and delivery. No birthing class can prepare us (me) for what lies ahead, but reverting to instinct is all we (I) should really need. Birthing classes and epidurals are really new concepts (within the last few decades). I almost feel like having these things (FOR ME, and IN MY PERSONAL OPINION) is like a smack in the face to our very nature as women. This is what we are/were born to do. This is what makes us women, and this is truly what makes us stronger than men (after all...what pain could a man ever have that could even come close in comparison to the pain of childbirth?).

All that being said...if I need it, I'm still getting the epidural :)

You know what I absolutely love??? I LOVE that even though Nathan and I have lived together for 7 years and 3 months, I can still learn new things about him.

For example, today I learned that even though he is the LEAST emotive person I have ever met in my life, he really does have feelings...and I LOVE this. I love finding out that things affect him and that he has deep emotions--even if I never see them.

Today is a day when I appreciate my husband for the amazingly wonderful person he is. I often tell people we are loud like an Italian couple whether angry or not, but man...do I ever love that guy.

You're fantastic, homey, and you are going to be an amazing daddy to our little baby girl :)

When I first started feeling movements ("quickening"), it was a few weeks ago. I would feel something and immediately think, "Whoa. What was that?" It felt like a brief, fleeting moment of a gas bubble, but it was in the wrong spot. Instead of being in my stomach or intestines, it was in the front of my belly, toward my belly button.

The only reason I've noticed baby movements more often now, is because I find myself thinking, "Whoa. What was that?" much more often. Today, it has been super frequent. Probably the most I've felt so far. I think I've paused for my "Whoa" thought at least 10-15 times today. It's nuts. Most of those were early this morning (around 9) and this evening. I love it!

We had our 20-week ultrasound today and got to see our beautiful little lady. There is still nothing more amazing than seeing her bouncing around on the little screen and feeling none of it, lol.

She is measuring exactly on target (within 1-2 days), with a due date still between April 29 and May 2. She was doing the MOST ADORABLE thing today...first, I should say she is currently breech, but the doctor said that is no big deal at this point and she will probably flip around again here soon. So, anyhow, her little head is up toward my belly button. Her little baby feet were up in her face, and she was playing with her tiny toes. Too, too cute. Absolutely. I cannot wait to actually see her face; she's going to be a beautiful baby.

Next appointment is at 25 weeks (11-18), and I'll be very close to starting the 3rd trimester! I can't believe it!!!!

...Some days you're the statue.

Today was a "statue" day. I'm dying for Christmas break. I cannot wait to get away for 2 weeks, and each day just seems to drag on and on and on.

The kids had a paper due today, so of course I spent much of my day fending of crying children and their "my computer..." or "my printer..." or "I emailed it!" excuses. Zero for you. Zero for you. Zero for you. I'm mean, I guess, but I expect a lot out of them, and there is no excuse for a late paper when you've had three weeks to do it. Be responsible. Be a young adult.

I still feel like crap, though, when they either don't do the paper (Don't you know you will fail my class if you don't do the work?) or when I actually DO give them a second chance (email it to me by 3:30 today, and I'll still take it...) they fail to follow through. I feel crappy because I take it personally. I shouldn't, I know, but I feel like I didn't do enough to get them to do the assignment. It ONLY bugs me when it's a 100+ point assignment, though.

Whatever, I guess. My job is not to baby them. It is to teach them life skills, and meeting deadlines is absolutely a life skill. I do it. My grades are never turned in late. I ALWAYS have my paperwork and anything requested of me turned in on time. There's no excuse for laziness, and maybe, just maybe if we (as a culture) stop allowing anything other than high expectations, maybe then we'd be doing better as a society. I'm sorry, but there is NO REASON to turn in late homework. Get your lazy butt in gear, and get it done, ya know??

Like I said, I'm mean. I've heard it from other teachers as well, but I don't care.

In other news...I'm off to see Twilight: The New Moon Saga again tomorrow. LOVE that movie. Definitely another one to add to my slim movie collection.

If you've never been a teacher, there are some things you may not know about children. For instance, did you know their attitudes and behaviors are dictated by upcoming events? Between Thanksgiving and Christmas it is nearly impossible to get the kids to sit down, be quiet, and do what you want them to do. More disciplinary notices occur during this time (write-ups, demerits, things of the like). More children start crowding the afterschool detention rooms. Kids become squirrely, ready to bounce off the walls at any given moment, trying on your patience, and all-around unsettled. This same type of behavior tends to happen just before spring break and at the end of the school year. I would venture to say these are the most trying times of any school year, and anyone who thinks we should add 20 days onto our year has NO CLUE how the behaviors of kids are affected by the timing of the year. When the sun starts to shine and weather starts to warm up, no kid (or teacher) wants to be stuck in a classroom, and that is reflected in their dispositions. Kids are amazing creatures, seriously.

That being said, break is 2 weeks away, I am at the end of my rope, the kids are at the end of theirs, and it is taking everything I have down to the core of my soul to get them through this last stretch of 2009. It's no wonder I feel so worn out all the time!

Last night, we went to the zoo for their Holiday Lights. It was a lot of fun. Freezing, but a lot of fun. Wish I could have taken some pictures, but my hands wanted to stay buried in my coat pockets! We walked around for about 2 hours, which is the most walking I have done at this stage of pregnancy (20 weeks this week). I didn't think much of it while we were there; I wasn't in much pain other than some cramping in my lower, lower gut region--Maybe the baby telling me she'd had enough?? But once we got back to the car and finally got home last night, my body told me just how trying that whole event was for it. My left leg felt like I had run a marathon--it was SOOOOOOOOOOOO sore and achy. I kept having to stretch it because my muscles were all cramped and pained! My back (the left lower side, which I have been having problems with anyhow) was intensely pained, and I could hardly move once we got into bed. Finally, my BOOBS were so sore. Who would've thought that doing something as simple as walking could cause so much discomfort.

In the last few days, my stomach has turned into a very hard and protruding rock when I lay on my back. It's amazing! I can feel my entire uterus around the sides and at the top. I end up sleeping with my hands cupped over this growing mass in some protective, instinctual way. All of this pregnancy stuff is fascinating. It's amazing to be able to feel the things that are growing, though I still haven't felt the baby with any certainty yet. I'm struggling with how much weight I'm gaining, and the fear that I will never be able to take it back off, but I'm glad that what is supposed to be happening is--It's good to know that everything isn't broken!