Confessions of a Blogaholic

I am feeling so swamped right now. Not stressed because I'm not facing any real deadlines, but swamped beyond any stretch of the imagination. I feel like parts of me are being pulled and stretched thin like those old Gumby toys that you could pull on. I regret all the times I have ever complained about having too much on my plate because I now know what having too much on my plate feels like. I regret ever complaining about being tired, because now I know what being tired is truly like. I run all day on what little steam I have (fueled by coffee, yo!).

There's this pressure hanging around me that makes me feel like I have to be the perfect ____________ (fill in the blank). I need to be the perfect mom by making sure I spend all my evening hours with Rylee, remembering/taking time/making pumping a priority, bending my wants to meet her schedule (I may WANT to read Catching Fire, but my ability to o so depends on her need to sleep or be fussy!). I need to be the perfect teacher: lessons won't plan themselves, a positive classroom environment depends on a positive teacher, the grading fairy won't make a stop in my class anytime soon. I want to be the perfect homemaker, but cleaning, cooking, and grocery shopping (hell, getting in the shower myself!) take time; time that I can't find anymore. I would like to be the perfect wife, but that went out the window the first week we were married, lol. I am pressure to be the perfect woman: multitasker, preparer, rememberer, planner, organizer, bill payer, the essence of patience.

I'm working so hard to be all of these things, but I'm failing to find the time to complete all the tasks that go along with them. I used to say there wasn't enough time in the day to do everything that needed to be done, but I could still find time in those days to watch TV and take naps. Now, I say, "There isn't enough time in the day," and I truly mean it. I could stay up for 24 hours doing, doing, doing, and by the end of the 24-hour mark, I'd still have a laundry list of things to complete.

Must find balance. Must find balance. Must find balance. Must find myself buried in all these "To-Do's".

Today I was accused by a parent in front of my principal of purposefully and knowingly sabotaging a student's project last year because I hate the child.

Talk about a dagger to the heart.

I'm up at 5:00am every morning now. Ry usually wakes me up once around 3am or twice around 1am and 4:30am each night. I get up, shower quickly, make my oatmeal, and feed the baby for as long as she will eat (usually 40 minutes still). Nate gets up at 6am and comes downstairs to load the cars with all the bags (diaper bag, pump, his laptop, my purse, lunches, his cooler), takes the baby when I'm done feeding her, loads her into the carseat and 4/5 days a week, takes her to the sitter's.

We leave at the same time, and we're both on the road for 40 minutes before we pull in to work.

I work. All day. Love the kids. Love my job. Find myself smiling at every possible chance. When I'm in front of my kids, I am truly happy and fulfilled.

2:52 rolls around, and I finish up grading and copying. No later than 3:30, I pack up my things (pump bag, now-empty lunch bag, purse) and leave to drive 40 minutes to pick up Ry. Pick her up, feel all warm and mushy inside when I see her beautiful face, drive home, pull in the garage between 4:30 and 5:00pm.

Immediately pump then feed Ry when we get home. Make dinner around 5:40ish. Eat at table with hubby and baby on table in her bumbo. Nate clears table, loads/runs dishwasher while I take baby upstairs for bath/wipedown. I put her into a new onesie and feed her again around 7:00pm. By 7:00-7:30, she's desperate to go to bed, so I take her up to the bassinet in our bedroom.

Back downstairs to clean bottles, pack diaper bag, pack pump, pack lunches, and have everything lined up on the island ready to go in the morning. This brings us to about 8:30 when I go up to the office to 1) Check my school emails, 2) Check my Facebook, 3) Check on blogs. By 9:00-9:30, I go to bed.

Those are my days. I now understand why people say there just isn't enough time in the day!!!

Only one weekday left before I return to work. I am so, so sad :(

I already have a parent upset with me (a carry over from last year) and my first meeting (with said parent and my principal) scheduled for next Friday. The third day of school.

And I thought I was going to start off on the right foot....

I haven't even started yet and I can feel my heart breaking at the thought of seeing Ry so little during the week.

First, some pictures...

Here's Baby at 3 months, 1 week loving her bath time. Just 3 months ago, baths were like torture for my little lady, but now she absolutely loves them.



She's got excellent head control now and when she wants to, she will hold herself up for loooooong periods of time.



These last few pictures are from about 2 1/2 months. Here she is finally enjoying her Bumbo. She now loves sitting in it at the dinner table while Daddy and I eat.



Merlot decided she needed to be babied and plopped her behind down in Ry's Boppy.



This WAS Ry's favorite toy and favorite place to be until recently. When we first started using the play gym, she would just lay there and look at the toys. Now, she not only reaches for, grabs, and pulls on the toys, she rolls herself to the side to stick them in her mouth. Her NEW favorite toy and place to be is the walker at her Mammaw's house (pics to come).



On to the business...

This will be my last week home with my baby until next summer (not including vacations like Christmas break that go by too fast, anyhow). I am a complete mix of emotions.

On one hand, I am glad to go back to school. As I've said a bajillion times before, I love teaching, and I can't wait to be back in my classroom. Plus, being away from Ry during the day will allow me to actually and fully enjoy the time I have with her in the evenings and on weekends.

On the other hand, I am going to miss so much. For 9-10 hours a day, 4-5 days a week, she is going to be with someone else. Someone else is going to get to watch her grow, feed her, comfort her, and play with her. She's going to be looking into someone else's face when she smiles and laughs.

I'm also a little nervous that going back to work will inevitably lead to the end of my ability to breastfeed. Right now, my schedule at work is totally conducive to pumping, which is awesome. But the few times I've tried to pump at work over the summer when I've gone in (with NO ONE there!), I've been so nervous that someone would unlock my door and walk in on me (despite the "Do not disturb" sign I posted over the keyhole) that I've barely been able to pump anything. It's like pee anxiety--you know, when you go to the bathroom and can't pee because people can hear--it's the same type of feeling. I keep reminding myself, though, that I've already breastfed for a lot longer than most moms are able because of my delayed return to work.

I'm just a mess of emotions right now. I feel like I've been away from the world for the last 4 months--no classes, no work, no meetings, no stacks to grade, nothing. Just me, my home, and my family. In one week, though, it's back to reality. I'm going to miss this little vacation I have had since April 21...

I was reading this book called Teach Like a Champion, and while it gives some great, specific, step-by-step ideas for being a "champion" teacher, I don't think all of the ideas are...hmm--what's the word...the most practical ideas in the world. While I got a lot of great ideas (such as the "No Opt-Out" technique which basically tells you to keep working with a student who is reluctant to answer a question), I don't think these ideas quite match what I was looking for when I wrote a few weeks ago about wanting to be a better teacher.

So, I came to my own ideas for techniques and philosophies to try. I'm going to work on them in small, manageable chunks rather than heaping a whole lot of "new" on myself at the beginning of the school year.

Goal #1: Fix Attendance-Taking Procedures!
I have issues with remembering to take attendance, which is NOT a good thing! I remember to mark tardies, but I forget to mark and keep track of absences (excused or unexcused) and whether or not I am supposed to accept missed assignments for the absence. School policy is that a student who is out on an unexcused absence and fails to turn in an excuse note cannot turn his/her work in for a grade and will receive a 0 for missed assignments. The last couple of years, I've accepted pretty much any assignment without discretion simply because I wasn't doing a good enough job of keeping up with attendance. This year, my goal is to QUICKLY do attendance at the beginning of the period on paper rather than online. I can transfer my paper attendance to the online system at the end of the day or once a week during my conference period, depending on which is easier.

Goal #2: Be Optimistic About Mankind, in General, and More Specifically, Teenagers
I've realized that I always seem to assume the worst about teenagers. For some reason, I ALWAYS assume they are lying to me. When it's an excuse about homework, my first assumption is they are lying. When they tell me sensitive things, I find myself assuming they are lying for attention. This is the wrong way to approach people! There is a very fine line, though, between believing in the honesty and goodness of human being and being taken advantage of. My main philosophical goal this year is to trust in people more. Just because I may have lied about homework or lied/embellished the truth to get attention doesn't mean that EVERY teenager does it. I'm going to work on this from day one.

...so why not?

There are only a few weeks left in my extended summer break, and I can still say I am ready to go back. It hurts my heart to think that I will no longer be with Ry for the majority of the day since the babysitter will she her for like 10 hours a day and I'll only see her from 4:30 until she goes to sleep around 8 :(

This mothering thing is getting steadily easier, but I do sense myself becoming increasingly anxious about things, in general. Let me step aside from this thought to talk about my anxiety issues...

Starting around 6 years ago, I suddenly became a big-time germaphobe. When I think about germs, I see them as like a green aura emanating off everything: peoples' hands, doorknobs, student desks, etc. When people sneeze or cough, it's like I can see a mist of germs shooting all over the place. I honestly think all this started when I first started subbing/teaching and saw the disgustingness that is a high school classroom. Since then, I carry my Purell with me everywhere. I should also point out that buffets are the WORST. Have you ever thought about the innumerable hands that touch those spoons in the buffet line? It's completely disgusting if you think about it.

Over time, I've become slightly less concerned about germs. When it comes to Ry I'm surprisingly not as worried about it. I want her to be exposed to germs so she can build up immunities to them. But I still wash my hands frequently (especially if they feel even slightly dirty, or if I've touched a high traffic object, or if I've been somewhere that seemed dirty), and I still see the green aura when I think about it too much. Some people's dirt doesn't bother me; with some, I hardly think about germs. But with other people, places, and situations, I have a hard time NOT thinking about it.

In the last couple of years, I've also suddenly developed a fear of driving as well as riding in cars. Certain situations in vehicles (someone not slowing fast enough, the thought that someone isn't watching where they are going, traffic, having to merge onto or off of the freeway, switching lanes, etc.) make me so nervous I start to feel like there's a weight on my chest and I can't breathe. Sometimes, I go so far as to drive well out of my way just to avoid an intersection or an anxiety-producing situation. The driving anxiety has gotten worse since Ry because I am paranoid that someone will not be paying attention and will hit me.

Now, back to my original point...I feel anxious about Ry getting bigger. For example, she's maybe got a month or so left in the bassinet because she's only an inch or two away from touching the top and the bottom at the same time. I am not ready to move her into her bedroom yet, especially since I'm still breastfeeding. I'm not ready for her to be so far away. Plus, she looks so little in her crib. Obviously, I can't keep her little forever!

About the whole anxiety thing, yes, I have thought about talking to my doctor, but I'm just not willing to admit that I might need some sort of medication to help get these issues under control. I once heard that exercising 30 minutes a day helps reduce anxiety...now if only I could make the choice to work that into my life, lol.