Confessions of a Blogaholic

I'm still here, but I'm having a difficult time posting. I'm tired of thinking/obsessing about baby stuff, but I find that I am completely incapable of discussing anything else in my blogs anymore. If you followed my Myspace blog, you know that I used to be able to write about a myriad of topics from politics to stories from my past, but I can't do it anymore. I feel like my quest to babydom (OBH) has taken over my life. The only other thing I can find to talk about is my job, but there are only so many things to be said about teaching while on summer vacation.

Last night was my first inject. After a brief training "class" done by the hilarious and super-friendly nurses at my RE's office, I wasn't sure if I was going to screw it up or not! I got the pen ready (cartridge goes inside the pen), dialed my dose (dial is like the "clicky" on a clicky pen), put the capped needle on, and settled myself into the recliner. I should mention here that I had my hubs on the phone and he was rambling on and on about something--I was glad to have him as a distraction. I took the outer cap and then the inner cap off the needle and instantly a drop of the med came out of the needle. I FREAKED (this stuff is too damn expensive to waste like that!) and quickly shoved it into myself--no time to think about it!

Unfortunately, I didn't have my hand positioned right to press in the dialed dose (like SLOWLY clicking in the end of that clicky pen), so the needle was wiggling around in my stomach while I tried to get my hand on correctly. I pushed in the dial, and viola! I was finished. No harm done.

Tonight's dose was a little more difficult because there was no drip, so I had time to think about it--never a good idea! It's best to just do the thing and be done with it.

I have 4 more nights of this. Then, I go in Monday morning to find out what (if anything) is going on. I'm desperately hoping for at least 3-4 good-sized follicles out of all this. No, I don't necessarily want 3-4 babies (shew!), but with hub's sperm count issues I want to have as many "targets" as possible for the little bit of sperm we have. I hope the B2B IUIs will help too, since last time we couldn't bd because of the soreness. I had to sign a waiver, though, that I understood I have a 30% chance of twins and a 10% chance of triplets with inject/IUI treatment at my facility. I honestly don't care about having multiples anymore--just let me know that I CAN get pg.

and decided that due to the cost of this cycle, this will be it for awhile. We're going "Balls to the Wall" aggressive with the injects and the B2B IUIs, so I guess we're doing everything we can for our "last cycle."

We're currently saving to buy a house next year, and it's not feasible to spend $1,000+ a month on fertility while trying to save money for a home. A home is a sure bet--we will end up being able to get a house, but fertility treatments are not--we could be spending $1,000 a month for nothing. Insurance only covers ultrasounds ($10.00 copay) and nothing else--no IF coverage, but they will cover Viagra. ::eye roll::

We'll try a couple rounds of inject/IUIs again at the beginning of the year, but that's it. That's the end of the road. As I've said on here before, we will not do IVF.

On to a new cycle.

CD2 u/s today--No cysts!!! YAY!!!!

I had my injects training, and can I just say I love the nurses at this office? I take back all the stuff I said in my previous post about my RE, because they are truly wonderful and I was just looking for someone to blame.

I start my follistim injections tomorrow and will be doing 100ml for the next 6 days. Then, I have another u/s on Monday and we'll figure out where to go from there. What I like about the follistim (vs. Clomid) is that the goal is overstimulation--more eggs = better chances. Also, hopefully I will respond better to the injects and have less side effects.

I am considering doing back-to-back (B2B) IUIs this cycle. As this is my last month of summer vacation, I think we should be as aggressive as possible and see what happens. The B2B IUIs will cost $500, but at this point, I can't see a reason to NOT do them. That is, of course, unless anyone has any info on the success rates of 1 IUI/cycle versus B2B IUIs??

Edit: Just read the paperwork and it looks like B2B IUI's are what my RE does with inject cycles...Cost of medications for this cycle (as of today)= $290; Cost of B2B IUI's= $500; Cost per monitoring appointment (average of 4 appointments per inject cycle with my RE = 4) $10 x 4 = $40. Total potential cost for this cycle if no additional meds have to be purchased = $830.

Having a baby...Priceless.

So, I'm thinking this will be our last cycle for awhile simply due to the cost. If this doesn't work, who knows how long it will be before we are able to cycle again.

Yesterday, I came to terms with my failed cycle, and I'm ok with it. (Although I did go and buy another box of FRER HPTs just in case...) But, honestly, I'm just ready to get on with it. Cycles always seem to have this cyclical emotional pattern for me:

CD1-3= Super Nervous about baseline, please no cysts!!
CD3-7= Ugh!! I hate Clomid, someone kill me!!
CD7-13= I hope that worked
CD14-15= Grow follies, grow!! Tons of optimism by this point in the cycle.
CD16= Yay!! I'm triggering! OMG! OMG! OMG!
CD17-32ish= Please, please, please tell me that worked!
CD30-32ish= It didn't work, and I just know it.
CD32= So, unbelievably sad. Let's move on.

I'm cramping today, so I know what's coming, and I'm just ready for it. Maybe next cycle will be the cycle? If nothing else, maybe the switch to injects will help...who knows!

That is an awful picture, but it was too good to pass up.

I tested this morning at 13dpiui, 12dpo, and got the starkest-white line ever. I can't honestly say I'm surprised. I mean, in now 17 months of trying (almost enough time for two Irish Twin babies), I've never seen that second line other than when medically-induced. Who knows? Maybe I can't even get pregnant and all we have been through has been for nothing.

I'm confused about being so hungry for 5 days, but I guess we can just chock that up to another phantom symptom of being on the IF rollercoaster.

So now, we wait for AF to show up again so we can move on with yet another fucking cycle. I'm going to request to switch to injects as the Clomid obviously isn't doing it for us (5 cycles of it already). In all honesty, we are fairly close to the end of our IF road, which I know sounds strange to some of you who have been doing this for years, but I can't see doing more than 5 or 6 IUIs (depending on the cost with injects), and we decided back in February that we would not do IVF. So, if I don't get any cysts, 5 or 6 IUIs is about another 5 or 6 months.

I must admit that I'm a little upset with my RE. I think more testing should be done, particularly after O. I have never had post-O testing. So, what if I should need some type of progesterone to support implantation? What if I've been "almost pregnant" all these cycles, but the egg couldn't implant for some reason? What if I didn't actually O despite the HCG? What is my eggs are a horrible quality (that should be shown in some sort of blood test, right?)? Other than my initial work-up when I had my consultation, I've had no other blood drawn for anything.

It's just easier to accept that it's over than it is to hold out any hope for any change this weekend. Thanks for keeping up with me this cycle :)

We've been off since the beginning of June, and today was my first day "working" back in my classroom. School doesn't start for another 32 days, but I can't wait to get back into teaching mode! I was so excited to be in my room again, to see my posters, my desk, my new computer, my new student computers, my shelves filled with books, everything--I was even excited to see my good ole' trusty overhead projector!!! I can't wait to get back into my room again.

I miss the kids so much, which I know is really odd to hear. But I do...I miss seeing them, working with them, watching their little faces go blank while they zone out (come on, even the best of teachers can't maintain every kid's attention all day, every day!). I miss the games (football, especially!), and I miss yearbook class, which I can't wait to get started again.

I love summers, because it's time off to reevaluate all the stuff I did the previous year. I love getting to catch up on my reading, as that is an essential part of my particular job. I love having time to take classes if I need to, and I definitely love sleeping in...

But...I enjoy my life so much more when I'm getting up every day to go teach. My heart is in my job, and I feel more satisfied when I'm working than when I'm not. I cannot wait to get back to school!

I'm 12dpiui and 12dpo (at 9:30 tonight). After 5 days of starving, I woke up with nothing today. Have had some very very light cramping all day. Bbs still sore. I think it's over :(