Confessions of a Blogaholic

I am not paying attention to symptoms. I am not paying attention to symptoms.

I have been doing SO GOOD abiding by this mantra....until today. I woke up this morning and stretched (think "Upward Facing Dog" in yoga), and immediately felt a big, strong, cramp in my ute. So, of course, all day, it was really hard NOT to wonder...

After the intense cramp stretch, I went to the bathroom and freaked because I felt like I was getting a UTI. If you've ever had one, you KNOW what they feel like--tons of pressure, like you could just pee for hours and you'd better not get off the toilet. Yes, that's what it felt like. I actually freaked a little bit because my doctor (family physician) recently quit the practice and I have yet to get another one, so no one to even give me any antibiotics. Luckily, the UTI feeling soon went away.

But, I've had light cramping on and off all day and I'm 7dpo...

I have been doing a fantastic job of forgetting about the 2ww the last few days. In fact, when it does cross my mind (rarely), I actually have to count out the number of dpiui and dpo I am--in the past, I could've spewed these facts off immediately. Yay for me for keeping busy.

I've been SOO productive this weekend. Yesterday, I was convinced that today was Monday, and I was preparing to head in to my classroom to do some work. Needless to say, today is not Monday, so I have all this stuff prepared for tomorrow. Two weeks from tomorrow is teachers' first day back.

I've officially got all tests, quizzes, powerpoints, handouts, notes, and worksheets finished through October 1. This may not seem like an accomplishment, but man oh man, is it ever a HUGE accomplishment. I was looking through some of the stuff I did last year, and I can't believe how bad it was. But last year, I was playing every day by ear. This year, I'm prepped well in advance and have reread all the readings so I don't have to do it the night before. I'm so on the ball.

At our appointment this morning, I actually told the RE that we would not be doing next cycle (at least) simply because of the cost of all this stuff. We dropped a ton of money this month, and obviously, we can't do it all the time.

I just got word from a meds donation program run through this IF board I am a member of that someone has 3 cartridges of Follistim to donate to me. FYI--you can't "resell" meds, it's illegal, but what do you do when you buy a bunch of expensive meds and then find out you're pg? You donate them! So, yeah, someone has 3 cartridges (= $750!!) that I can have.

I cannot tell you how unbelievably relieved and thankful I am for both the program and this individual for thinking to donate her meds. If we get a BFN this cycle, with the help of the meds, we will still be able to try again next month. Thank God for good news.

We had a better result today. 9 million post-wash with 74% motility. In all, we ended up with around the same amount of sperm (approx. 10 million) as our last IUI cycle. The difference this time, I guess, is that we know there are 3 fully mature eggs that were released last night. On a clomid cycle, there is no bloodwork with my RE, so I never had an estradiol (E2) test at my mid-cycle u/s. My estradiol this cycle was 670 on Tuesday, and I believe it is supposed to be about 200 for each mature egg, so it is right where it should be for all three eggs.

Fingers crossed, but I'm planning to just forget about all of this for the next couple weeks.

We only had 4 million sperm post-wash, and of that, only 74% were mobile. WTF? I was so upset I started crying in the procedure room (like a baby) and ended up crying the whole way home. I know I should be thankful that we had 3 million good, strong, moving sperm, because plenty of people have so much less than that, but I'm really upset. It just makes all my pessimism and lack of hope these last few days seem justified.

I know I can't be mad at N. for his low counts, but I am. Let me explain why...I've been asking him for the last two months to take these fertility vitamins the uro gave us back in June. The uro said they would help with his morph at the very least. Well, N. has the memory of a freakin rock, and if I didn't remind him every freaking night, he forgot to take them. I finally got the the point where I said, "If this is important to you, you will make it a point to remember to take them." He didn't. To be fair, he is a man, and men seem to have trouble having faith in the unseen--if I can SEE that the vitamins are working, they aren't working; therefore, why would it be in the forefront of his memory?

So, I am mad because I can't even say, "Well, babe, you tried your best and this is all we got," because he didn't try at all. I can't say we gave this our all, because Igave it my all, but he did not do the one simple thing that could have helped. Even still, I can't be angry...what's done is done and we have to work with what we got.

Our 2nd IUI is tomorrow. The RE said we would expect to see an even lower number tomorrow. Awesome. $250 for the teeniest bits of sperm. She assured me, though, that we still have a little less than 20% chance, and that this is worth trying.

It only takes 1 sperm...I know this, but if we had no success with 2.5 TIMES the sperm last cycle and the same follicle scenario, why on Earth would I feel positive about this cycle?

EDIT: N. just got home from work and was telling me about how he dropped a tool today and it hit him in the family jewels. He said his first thought was our IUI tomorrow. "I don't want to be a fuck up for a second day," he said...Aww...I know he cares.

The runt grew :) At today's appointment, I had a 21.4, 19mm, and 17.6. I triggered this morning, and IUI tomorrow morning at 8:30.

I don't know why, but I do not feel optimistic this time. I ALWAYS feel happy and optimistic by now (trigger day), but I don't :( I'm expecting a BFN. I guess my positivity has faded away over the last 6 months.

I have 2 on my right side--19mm and 16.2mm, and 1 on my left side--13.9.

I'm to take one more dose of the follistim (100iu), come back tomorrow for a repeat u/s and more b/w, and the IUIs will take place Wednesday and Thursday morning (12 hours before and 12 hours after O).

Now, we hope the 19 doesn't O early and the 13.9 catches up enough to release.

Dr. M said it was best to do the 2 IUIs because of our low sperm count. Though low, our numbers should be twice as good (aprox. 20 million, whereas normal would be 50-100 million) with the 2 IUIs.

I am still not feeling optimistic about this cycle. Every other cycle, I'm feeling positive and hopeful by this point, but this time...nothing really. It would be too good to be true that our last cycle before a break would result in a pg.