Confessions of a Blogaholic

What a cray morning. We were up at 7, and N. tried hitting the snooze button. I rolled over and said, "No, no, no...you can't. You have to get up and go feel sexy." lol Poor guy. I can't imagine how stressful it is to know you have to perform so early in the morning with your wife waiting upstairs, and you have to start and be done within a 10-minute time frame. How stressful!! I wouldn't be able to do it.

Nonetheless, he's a trooper, and he had a whopper of a count this morning. 23mil pre-wash with 39% motility and 10mil post-wash with 90% motility. Great, great numbers!!! His first SA was 10mil with 50% motility.

The RE said our conditions couldn't be more perfect and that we have great chances. With my 3 eggs and his good count and the perfection of the timing, everything is in place. Now, these pieces just need to connect. If it doesn't happen this cycle (which I dread thinking about), the RE encouraged us to move on to injectibles as most couple who will be successful on Clomid will get pg within the first 3 ovulatory cycles on it. This will be my third cycle.

Now, we enter the dreaded 2ww. I'm so nervous!!

I am so amazed by this year's dancers. Click here to see my newest favorite dance by Kayla and Kupono. Kupono may be gay (clearly, look at his movements), but I definitely have a teeny-bopper crush on him.

I had my second mid-cycle u/s this morning, and I cannot tell you how nervous I was. I had the nervous need-to-pee, and the nervous butterflies-in-my-stomach. I was so worried that screen would show nothing, and that I would have to do another round of clomid.

There was a new doctor at the RE's office. She came in, we talked a little about how much I hate clomid, she asked if I've had any cramps, I told her I've had the worst cramps every this time around, she got the wand ready, put it in, I looked at the screen, and...

*BAM*
I saw the most beautiful follicle on the right side. It was the biggest one I've ever had. It measured 22mm, and it was ready to blow!

Then, she moved the wand to look at the left side, and...

*BAM*
Two more beautiful follies. One of these was a 17mm and the other was 15mm. She said the 17 will probably ovulate and the 15 may ovulate if it grows.

I got a little warning speech about the risk of multiples, but if you've been reading this blog, I would welcome 2 babies--3 would be insane, but I gotta take what I can get.

IUI #1 is tomorrow morning at 9. Everyone, please, cross your fingers, braid your hair, wish on shooting stars, and pray that this works for us.

And now he has a bladder infection. Seriously, what is it going to take to get this poor guy up and healthy??? Poor, poor baby :(

When I feel like I am at my weakest, that is when I figure out how strong I am. When I am at my saddest, I can appreciate my happiness more. When I feel defeated, I find hope in waking up to a brand new day. When I'm facing a brick wall, it may take awhile, but eventually I will find my way past it.

Infertility has made me stronger.

Because of infertility, I have learned not to take things for granted. The little things in life (like the process of making a baby) are miraculous; they are privileges, not rights, and they must be appreciated. I find myself literally taking the time to stop and smell the roses now, because infertility has taught me to appreciate these seemingly minute things.

Because of infertility, I have learned how strong my marriage is. Nathan and I have had no marital problems as a result of OUR infertility. Quite possibly, we are even more supportive of each other now that we're going through this than we have been in the past. I have never loved someone so much in my life.

Because of infertility, I have learned the value of time. When I want time to speed up, it goes even slower, but when I want it to slow down, it speeds up. I know how long a 2 week wait can feel. I know how long half an hour in the waiting room at a doctor's office can feel. I also know how quickly one cycle can end and another can begin.

Because of infertility, I've realized my insatiable need to see the positives in every situation. Even when I'm sad, I find something to feel ok about. Attitude is everything, and because of infertility, I know I have a fantastic attitude.

I would never have realized these things if it weren't for what I'm going through now. Sometimes, it seems, the biggest challenges in life are what make us who we are. I don't think life is about attacking the challenges and making them go away; no, I think that life is about dealing with these challenges and learning from them.

That's how I'm feeling today, just blah. My neck/head hurts from sitting around all day today, but I have accomplished finishing another book and playing two computer games. Oh my GOD!! Did I really just admit to the world that I spent all day reading and playing games on my computer---I am SUCH a DORK!!

Babies are on the brain today, and it hurts, and I hate thinking about it, and I hate waiting and hoping. I've decided to start referring to our "baby-making" as "Operation Baby Hank" (OBH for short), simply because it's sort of embarrassing to keep referring to "baby-making" after almost 16 months. It's more like "baby-hoping" or "baby-really-trying-hard-but-getting-nothing." Operation Baby Hank makes it sound more like what it is turning out to be...after all, isn't that what all of this is about? We're "attacking" my hormones, we're "attacking" Nathan's hormones, we're "attacking" my uterus with probes and (soon-to-be) syringes filled with the man juice. Operation Baby Hank sounds so much more appropriate than "we're trying to have a baby". lol...trying to have a baby is what we were doing in March, 2008, now it's something totally different.

This week is going to go soooooo slowly. The only things I have to look forward to this week (and subsequently, the only days I have any plans to do anything) are Bruno, which we're going to see Thursday afternoon, and my Friday mid-cycle u/s. I'm not even looking forward to Bruno that much because I'm not a huge fan of movies that make me feel uncomfortable (i.e. Jackass), but Nathan's wanted to see it for forever, and since he IS sitting through Harry Potter with me next week, I guess I owe it to him.

I have to confess something, or I'm going to burst. I wasn't supposed to start taking my Clomid last Monday. I was supposed to wait until Tuesday, because the RE couldn't get me an appointment on Thursday ("CD13"), so I was to wait a day, which would make this Friday CD13. I, however, decided to start my pills anyhow since I've always had slow growth and I've never been anywhere near triggering when I've gone in on CD13 in the past. Now, I'm a little nervous that I might've screwed something up. Hopefully not, but I guess we'll see on Friday.

Friday is my next "mid-cycle" u/s, though my last "mid-cycle" u/s was only a little over a week ago. Hopefully, this Friday will have better results and we'll actually be able to do the IUI this weekend or the following Monday.

Sometimes when I'm lying in bed at night, waiting patiently to fall asleep for hours and hours, I get some thought stuck in my mind. I'll obsess about that thought, and it will make it that much more difficult for me to go to sleep. For example, the night before a new school year, I'll OBSESS about conversations I'll have, the way I'll phrase things, whether or not it will be a good school year, etc. Some nights, I get a song stuck in my head and I will sing the same line of that song over and over again. It ends up driving me nuts!

The other night, I had this happen while sleeping in a hotel room in WV. I got this thought in my head that I would have twins, and I obsessed about it. In my "almost sleep" state, I had myself convinced that I could will it to happen. Stupid, I know, but it was about 5 or 6 hours of tossing and turning with the obsessive thought in my head.

Who knows? Maybe Friday will show two beautiful follicles....