Confessions of a Blogaholic

Last night during my marathon Twilight movie spectacular, I started thinking about something sort of random.

Think back to when you were a kid. Your parents took you to a park where other kids were running around and it would be mere minutes before you were elbows deep in the mud or running around a baseball diamond or chatting it up on the swings with complete strangers (other kids, I mean...not creepy old men or anything weird like that). Making friends and being social is natural for children; all it takes is a moment of commonality and *bam* you have a new friend.

Throughout your years in school, making new friends was as easy as starting a new school year or getting a new class schedule. Each new set of faces brought new opportunities for friendships; at the beginning of the school year, the person assigned to sit next to you may have been a stranger, but two weeks into the class, you were suddenly best buds and hanging out at the movies on the weekends.

College is when these friendships and this ability to make friends starts to wane. Suddenly, you are friends with your peers while in classes with them, but as soon as the final exam is finished, that friendship is over. You have that awkward moment of saying, "Uh...good luck in life. Nice to know you," then that person is gone just as quickly as they showed up.

Once college is finished, it seems like a person's ability to make and keep good friends is finished as well (at least in my life). I have two close friends that I have had since those friendship-foundation years in high school, and that's really about it. I can even feel the closeness of those friendships slipping away now as we all move on with marriages, families, careers, and life. Meeting people at this stage in life is not as easy as just showing up to the park or getting the luck of the draw in class; meeting people takes work and effort. You have to put yourself out there and talk to strangers--and where exactly do you GO to put yourself out there and talk to strangers? So much of social networking is done online these days, and if you aren't one to sit around on chatboards, Facebook, or forums, or if you don't have enough time to devote to building online relationships (and really, who does??), how does contemporary social networking extend to offline friendships?

I guess what I'm saying is I didn't realize how my social life was changing so drastically until I tried taking a Mommy's Night Off and realized I didn't have anyone to call. I didn't realize how much work maintaining friendships was until I started feeling like my closest friends were being pulled away by circumstances (the fact that my husband doesn't necessarily get along with either of my closest friends' significant others doesn't help either..). And I certainly didn't realize how important having a social circle was until I started thinking about what it would take to rebuild one.

45 pounds in 7 weeks.

That is all :)

I knew the time would come eventually; I am ready to go back to school. I'm either going to start back at A.shland in January and take a class or wait and go back next summer to take all the classes I need at once. I have two academic goals that I would like to achieve in the near future...

1) Finish the few remaining classes I have for my Administrative license in curriculum and instruction. What am I going to do with that license in an economy where admin jobs in curriculum are few and far between? I don't know...maybe work for the Department of Education one day? Curriculum and instruction are areas in which I am VERY interested, so having the license would be a step in the right direction.

Once I get 15 semester credit hours (5 semester classes), I get a nice $5,000-$8,000 bump in pay, so I would like to whip all these out before fall of the 2011-2012 school year. "Whipping" classes out used to be sooooo easy for me since I'm such an academic workhorse and love to "play school." But...with Rylee now, I'm not sure how easy that is going to be. I have to find a babysitter and schedule classes around that, my time at home has to be divided between her and everything else that would need to be done (no more 4-hour obsessive compulsive work/study sessions!).

2) I want to find out about auditing some undergrad (or grad if they'll let me) classes in the field of English/Literature--specifically, American Lit. I miss taking classes, reading, and getting to discuss what we read. I miss taking lecture notes and learning new things. Yes, I could do massive amounts of research online to learn new things, but where do you even begin to do that research?? For some reason, I thought once I started teaching there would always be a plethora of other teachers around who would want to read and talk about books, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I don't know anything about the auditing process, but I hope it means I can take the class (maybe at a reduced rate???), participate in the discussions, and not necessarily have to write the papers, take the exams, etc.

I love going to school. I love learning about things I am interested in. I DON'T like doing "professional development" classes/workshops/seminars about things in which I am not interested (particularly "fad" educational workshops that focus on fleeting fad ideas).

You can graduate the kid (twice!), but you can't make the kid stay away from your college or university.

If you're tired of reading the baby news, skip to the second half of this post where I talk about a book I recently read :)
I might finally understand how this "daily schedule with a child" thing works.

Rylee has been showing up for a couple weeks now that she wants to go to bed at 9pm, but I haven't been getting the hint. She usually eats around 8:30pm and until about 2 weeks ago, she would eat again around 12:30am. I would stay up until 12:30 to feed her and then go to bed myself.

When her schedule started changing and she stopped waking up at 12:30 (and started sleeping until 2:30am or 4:30am depending on her level of exhaustion), I didn't notice it. I would stay awake and eventually wake her up to eat around 12:30am.

Last night, Nate and I were tired, so I fed her at 8:30pm (as always) and put her to bed with us. We both fell asleep soon after and she let me sleep 5.5 hours!!

In the mornings, she east sometime around 7am and goes back to sleep until 11ish. Having gone to bed last night a 9pm, I was ready to get up at 7am this morning. So, here I am...enjoying a few hours of Me Time while she finishes up her morning sleep.

Wow! Who would have thought that just listening and paying attention to her cues would make my life seem more enjoyable???

The Last Lecture
In other news, I am thoroughly enjoying this summer. When I have time I am getting a lot of reading done. I finally had the chance to read The Last Lecture, which is a memoir by Randy Pausch. Pausch had been diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer when he delivered his lecture (later becoming the basis for the book) in which he encouraged people to follow their dreams and live a fulfilling and good life. I missed out on reading it in its prime when many, many people were reading it. If I remember correctly, it came out soon after my grandpa died of pancreatic cancer, and I just wasn't ready to read it at that time. Having read it now, I highly, highly recommend it. Pausch had three small kids who, unfortunately, would be left to grow up without their dad, and he delivered his lecture to leave a piece of himself behind for his kids.

What I loooove about literature is the legacy an author/writer leaves. That's part of the reason why I have always kept journals and now, this blog...When I am dead and gone some day, I want something to live on. If I blog, then I existed. My life will always be kept alive through print and people long into the future will know that I was a real person with thoughts, a life, a being. I guess I'm desperate to not be forgotten, and while that was only part of Pausch's purpose in writing his memoir, it's amazing to me that through this memoir he will survive long into the future. In that respect, he certainly outlived his cancer.

I wish my grandparents had left behind legacies of this tangible nature. I wish Rylee had journals from my grandma that she could read and learn from. In the future, my grandparents (as is the case with the majority of people who pass away) will be long forgotten, their existence less than a mere blip in the history of humankind. But books like Pausch's last forever; hopefully, blogs like this will last forever (yes, I'm getting this bad boy printed out into a book at the end of each year, lol), and HOPEFULLYmy experiences will leave behind some legacy of myself.

I'm off the soapbox now, just read the damn book :)

I'm having a bit of a teacher dilemma today. The list of student failures which shows student names, teacher names, and grades went out today, and I saw my name all over that list. All-in-all, out of the 120 students I have in English 9 (not counting my yearbook kids, obviously), almost 10 kids (8%) failed my class either one or both semesters.

Let me tell you what steps I took to help these kids be successful...I called home and spoke to parents who would speak to me; I stayed after school until 9pm on conference nights to be available for parent conferences; I sent letters home to parents who I couldn't reach by phone or email; I gave the kids plenty of work time to do homework, read, write, work, etc.; Our school policy gives them the opportunity to turn work in late for a 60%; I tried to make my lessons engaging and interesting; I kept on kids who were missing assignments or who I observed not working; I moved kids who had low grades to the very front of the class so I could keep a good eye on them; I keep daily up-to-date calendars and grades/tracking missing assignments on our online grading system which both parents and students have access to.

I feel like I try my best to encourage kids, but I will be the first to admit that I sometimes give up. I have a few students who failed my class with 15% and lower. Do I believe they are capable of doing better? Absolutely. But why and how do I keep encouraging them when they don't do anything? There is no worse feeling, I think, than putting myself out there (as the teacher) and telling a kid I want him to be successful and to have that same kid, week after week, sit in my class doing nothing. I am personally disappointed when I see that 8% of my kids failed, and I wonder what I could do any differently. After all, that's all we hear about from administrators, parents, society, and the Federal government, "If kids fail, it's because the teachers are failing them!" So, what is it I can do differently? How do I help these kids learn what I want them to learn without sacrificing my expectations?

Looking forward to next year...I'm trying to figure out what I need to work on for myself as a person to be a better teacher. I know I'm tough, and by tough I mean that tears and excuses fall on deaf ears with me...But maybe I need to be a little more compassionate? Maybe I need to spend more time getting to know the misfits and the outcasts because the "popular", "funny", and "loud/obnoxious" kids tend to gravitate toward me. So, how do I build a rapport with the misfits and outcasts? How do I keep from giving up on those kids who aggravate me when they do nothing in my class? How do I make learning more accessible without giving away the answers?

And the even tougher question...in a 47-period class of 25-28 kids, how do I zero in on the one that needs my help and give him the encouragement/motivation he needs to be successful?

Failures make me feel like I have failed, but I still hold to my conviction that ALL I can do as a teacher is give access to knowledge and education; it is ultimately up to the student to choose to learn. Am I truly giving each and every one of my students the best possible access to what I am trying to teach them? If not, how can I change?

I had my 6-week checkup today and found out that I have lost 40 POUNDS since delivering Little Bit :) I've got about 3 pounds left until I'm at my pre-pregnancy weight, 27 pounds until I'm at my pre-infertility weight, 37 pounds until I'm at my wedding weight, and 77 pounds until I weigh what my BMI says I should weigh. Whatever! I'm just going to be happy with losing so much of this baby weight so quickly!

The midwife asked about how I'm feeling, and I admitted some things to her that I have only really admitted to my friends/Mom/Nathan. Having said them aloud, Becky (my m/w) said I should share these things with other people to help take the mystery out of becoming a mom. I told her no one told me how becoming a mom really felt, and I was convinced for the first few weeks of motherhood that I was the world's worst mother because I didn't feel what I assumed all women were supposed to feel. Apparently, feeling the way I felt (wow, there's a lot of "feel" in the last couple sentences) is more normal than that jaded misconception that women automatically love their children unconditionally and think their babies are the most beautiful, wonderful, magical beings to ever walk the green earth.

Let me take a moment to be honest about my first few weeks of motherhood...

As I've said before, when Rylee first came out, my first two thoughts were 1) What are those birthmarks all over her face and how am I going to hide them for the rest of her life? and 2) Why is she cross-eyed??? I did not love her automatically. I did not feel like I would take a bullet for her. In fact, I was a little disappointed that pregnancy ended that way. Where was my perfect, beautiful, angelic baby? Why was I embarrassed of her "stork bites"? Why did I love her??

For the next few weeks, those feelings hardly faded. I felt miserable like I was failing as a mom and as a human being. Yes, my whole life had changed and I resented Rylee and this new responsibility for that. The difference between this feeling and postpartum depression was that I accepted this new fate, dealt with it, and knew I would eventually feel better about the whole situation, but I would have preferred to be able to maintain my previous life while learning this new life. I still couldn't honestly say that I loved her unconditionally and would take a bullet for her. She was just here, and I was just doing what I was supposed to do. I felt like a horrible mother for thinking this way, but again, I had faith things would eventually get better.

Slowly...as she and I learned to be mother and daughter, the love grew. I feel it growing more and more every day. I feel myself becoming protective, and I find myself frequently marveling at how gorgeous she really is. Sometimes, I still find myself wondering if people actually think she's cute or if they just say that because they don't want to hurt my feelings. Sometimes, I get so frustrated not knowing why she is crying. But I feel so much better now about being her mom. Love, for me, was not automatic; it was slow, and it took time to grow into.

So, I guess what I'm saying to those to-be moms is to take what you hear about motherhood with a grain of salt. Not everyone feels the way it's shown in the movies or on tv. You may not cry when you first see your baby's face; hell, you may actually be angry when you first see it--especially if that little head just ripped your woman parts wide open. But keep in mind that there is nothing wrong with you. You aren't crazy for having not-so-great feelings. You aren't a bad mom, and you aren't going to be one of those mothers on tv who get so fed up and shake their kids or anything. You will have the patience to deal with your frustration, and eventually, no matter how slowly, you will learn to love that baby.

Spread the word and take the mysticism and myth out of motherhood.

If you'll remember from my last post, one of the pros of switching grade levels was that I didn't have to change classrooms. Well, I found out Monday evening (after a staff meeting that I was unable to attend) that it had been decided by our admin I WOULD be changing classrooms. I'm moving across the hall and our new 9th grade teacher will take over my room.

My initial reaction was, obviously, to get pretty pissed. This move is completely illogical. There is no rational reason to move me across the hall to what was once a computer lab (i.e. NO desks, no bookshelves, no closets, etc.) when there are two other rooms in my hall that will be open due to a retirement and a resignation. I have racked my brain over this, and I honestly cannot find the logic.

Another teacher was also moved, and his move is much farther than mine as he is currently in a completely different hallway. He was also not informed of the move prior to the staff meeting, and needless to say, is pretty pissed himself as he has been in his classroom for 9 years!

Because I don't see the logic or the rationale behind this, I find it in very poor taste that this decision was made and the people who were to be directly affected received no heads-up prior to the meeting in which everyone was informed. I especially find it in bad taste that I had to find out from peers through email and text messages instead of from my boss.

A classroom becomes a teacher's second home, whether that is fortunate or unfortunate, I don't know, lol...For 182 days a year (plus any summer days), the teacher spends more time in her classroom than at her own home! For the admin to simply decide, "Hey, you're moving" for NO APPARENT reason seems just wrong to me. How would a principal like it if the superintendent came in and said he/she could no longer use his/her office? They wouldn't.

To make matters worse, I went to the teacher work day yesterday hoping to get my room completely moved--one less thing to worry about over the summer, right? Well, my new room is being worked on, which means I can't move until later this summer, which ALSO means I now have to get my room moved without being paid for it. How fair is that? Ugh....

Luckily, I don't have that much to move, and Nathan is planning to come help me one day when he is off. As we further and further away from the initial shock of finding out I was losing my space, I feel slightly less perturbed by the whole matter. I DO feel like this was some sort of personal attack-type issue because of the lack of logic, but whomever made this decision has also given me a chance to get rid of some of the clutter from my class and redesign my space. I guess that is the positive of the whole situation.

If I could just teach and not be bothered/pestered by the administration, I would be sooooo thankful. But I guess we all have bosses no matter what field we are in.

Nate's amazing and wonderful grandparents made a rare trip to Ohio from their home far away in rural Pennsylvania. They came out to see the house and (more importantly) meet their second great-grandchild. For being almost 80 and 70 years old, his grandpa and grandma seem much younger. We haven't seen them since the wedding reception in 2007, and since Nate spent 3 years living with them during his teens, it's great to finally have them around!



We had a cookout on Saturday with his parents, my parents, and his grandparents. Last week, we finally invested in some outdoor furniture, a canopy, and bricks/a fire pit to build our own custom firepit in the yard. We spent a lot of time this weekend hanging outside and chatting. Quality time for Nate and his family.



Yay!! We finally got a little smile on camera. There is NOTHING more amazing in the world than seeing her gummy smiling face first thing in the morning. Such a happy baby!



Here she is with her only great-grandpa. It's bittersweet to see this picture because I would have love to see her with my own Pappaw; instead, I'll just have to imagine what that picture would have looked like.



Nate's family in a rare family photo. I'm happy they were all able to get together (and that the event wasn't ruined by anyone's bitchiness!).



Rylee with her great-grandma. I found myself frequently thinking about my grandparents this weekend. Man...I miss them so much. Rylee will never know it, but her life will miss out on something by not having them in it.

Awesome weekend. Planning a night with friends around the firepit next Friday. Glad we are finally in a position in our lives to have people over :)

Before I share my most recent good news, let me reiterate that I love teaching freshmen. I think 9th graders are such a rare breed of human being, and I love getting to be my immature self when I teach. There is still a slight innocence to kids when they just enter high school; they haven't been as tainted by relationships, sex, drugs, responsibilities (or lack thereof), driving, work, etc. Freshmen still need you to tell them what to think, but they are just starting to figure out how to think for themselves. They are wonderful.

That being said, I am moving to teach sophomores next year. Our junior teacher is moving back to his hometown, so the 10th grade teacher (and a good friend of mine) is moving to the 11th grade, I am moving to the 10th grade, and there will be a 9th grade opening at our school next year. Some positive notes about this move...I will have the exact same kids I had this year= they know me and my expectations, and I KNOW what I taught them the previous year; these kids are a really great class--I only had 1 behavior-related write-up this year; I don't have to switch classrooms, which makes for a lot less moving during the summer; I will be teaching Honors II, which is the AMERICAN LIT class AND I HAVE WAITED MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE TO TEACH AN AMERICAN LITERATURE CLASS!!!!!!!!!!!

The only real negative, though it is quite a huge one, is that I will have to redo ALL of my lessons, read and prepare to teach brand new novels, create new quizzes, prepare new semester exams, read, read, read, make new Power Points, find new resources, prepare new lectures, etc., etc., etc. And with a new baby at home, it is going to be a rough year in terms of transition. I was JUST getting used to having all of my units/calendars/lesson plans ready each day without having to do much preparation, lol.

As much as I love being home with Rylee, I can't wait to be back in my classroom in the fall. I know I will regret saying that as the start date grows closer, but I love teaching and I can't wait to return. I love Rylee also, but there has to be a balance for me between being Mrs. H and Mommy...I can't live my life being just one; I would get soooo bored!!!

Ry (no, I don't call her that in real life, it's just shorthand) had her 1-month appointment today and she's doing well. She's having some pooping issues--going days at a time without pooping at all, but the dr. isn't concerned about it unless she goes longer than a week. She is in the 90th percentile for her height and 50th percentile for her weight, so it looks like she'll be a long and lean baby. Dr. said as she continues to get taller, it may look like she is actually losing weight, but that's probably not the case. No need to supplement my BM with formula or rice cereal to fatten her up. Ry is still working out that wonky eye she has (right eye still looks a little bulldog cross-eyed at times), and the "rash" that comes and goes throughout the day on her face and back is just from heat and we only need to worry if it starts to itch.

What else....what else....OH. I figured out the pumping issue a bit. I pump one side while she eats off the other, then I switch sides at the next feeding. That seems to get me about 5 ounces of milk a day and I'm finally growing a little supply for when I go back to work.

Nate's grandparents are coming to stay with us this weekend, which I am excited about because he hardly ever gets to see them and we finally have the space for his family to stay in our house! Cookout tomorrow with his parents, grandparents, and Mom & Bill; again, we finally have the space at our house to invite people over like this!