Confessions of a Blogaholic

I'm not ready for this...I'm not ready for this. I hate loss and death and disease and all the things that leave us grasping for words and comfort. I hate it all. I know it's natural, and I know it's bound to happen, but I've never felt more pain in my life than the pain that comes from profound loss. I'm not ready for another loss; it's too soon. I feel like everything that is left of my childhood is slowly disappearing--the people whose house I could always see from my childhood home (my grandparents) are disappearing, everything in their home will vanish soon enough, their house and the house I grew up in will someday be torn down and made into some sort of factory...it will all be a memory soon enough. I feel like I'm desperately trying to hold on to things and people despite the natural order of the world--things are supposed to change, children and grandchildren are supposed to outlive their elders, people are supposed to die of natural causes, our bodies are supposed to shut down and our hearts are supposed to stop. Why, then, does it hurt so much to lose people? Why do we feel so helpless when we know someone is passing away? Why do we want so desperately for them to hang on when we know that their passing will bring them peace?

I'm not ready to do this again. I just stopped hurting about having to put Stink down...I am so, so sad.

And yet, I have to find a way to keep myself picked up and put together for the baby. Rylee needs me to take care of myself, even though I don't want to eat and I don't want to feel happy right now. Ugh....the timing of all this is so....*sigh*