Confessions of a Blogaholic

...these wallops in my gut are too enjoyable to miss :)

As of next Wednesday, I'm on my every two week appointment schedule. I have completely mixed emotions about this...I know time is going to go fast, and for that, I am excited. But at the same time, I wish it would slow down just a little bit; give me a moment to breathe. And not just in terms of the baby, but time to breathe in general.

Because as excited as I am about being a day closer to Rylee's birth, I also feel like each passing day is a day closer to losing my g-ma forever.

When g-pa got really sick, I kept him laughing. I was over at their house SO MUCH just to sit and talk to him. I joked with him, called him "Old Man", listened to his stories about drink Jack Daniel's as a kid (I still have a hard time believing that one), hitch hiking up 23 when hitch hiking was still an economical and relatively safe way to get around, accidentally picking up a male prostitute in Whi.tehall, thinking he was just helping a kid out :) I listened to him, I helped him "empty out" all the stuff he was trying to get rid of ("You need any toilet paper? She has a 36-pack in that extra bedroom. Take that home with you!"), I fed him grapefruit while he would still eat, and I tried my best to make him smile and keep him smiling. Right up until that last day when I was lucky enough to hear his final words, "It don't look too good, does it?" just hours before he passed away, I tried to keep him happy. I know in my heart I did everything I possibly could as his granddaughter to make his last year comfortable and enjoyable, and I did all the things in my life that I knew would make him (and my g-ma) proud of me.

In fact, just a week or so ago, I was going through my dressers to clean them out, and I ran across a birthday card my g-parents gave me when I lived in Chillicothe. Inside was a receipt for a gas gift card my g-pa had gotten me; though he NEVER wrote in b-day cards himself, he had taken a minute to write on that receipt. ON one side was his practicality: "Keep this, so they know it's good" (in reference to the gift card), and on the other side: "You have made me so proud of you." And, I know I did.

I feel like I am trying my best to do the same for g-ma. I keep her laughing by cracking on her, and she adds to my memory bank by cracking back on me. One day, she said, "You don't have to come over here to babysit me," and I responded, "I don't know where you got it in your head that I was coming over here for YOU. Nathan's not home and I don't feel like sitting around by myself. I'm just using you to keep myself occupied." :) She cracked up...and since, she often says, "I'm glad you got to see me" when I leave. She tells me how proud she (and Pappaw) is of me, and she talks to me like I'm a friend rather than a granddaughter. I hate to think of her being gone...I hate to think about how much memories HURT when my g-pa died, and I have so many more memories of just she and I on our road trips, hanging out together, going to dinner...I hate to think about how much my memories of her are going to hurt one day. I hate to think about how all of this laughter and all of her wise cracks are eventually going to come back to haunt me and make me feel empty. I hate to think that I will someday soon not have any close grandparents anymore.

But again, I know in my heart I have done and am doing everything I can to make her happy and to help her feel comfortable. She's such a stubborn old lady! I admire how much support my own mother is providing for her, and I know I would be doing the exact same thing if my own mom were going through this...

I adore my g-ma, which makes every day of excitement for Rylee that much more difficult. Each day closer to saying hello to my baby is a day closer to saying goodbye to my most beloved grandmother. Utter excitement tainted by complete sadness :(