Confessions of a Blogaholic

...these wallops in my gut are too enjoyable to miss :)

As of next Wednesday, I'm on my every two week appointment schedule. I have completely mixed emotions about this...I know time is going to go fast, and for that, I am excited. But at the same time, I wish it would slow down just a little bit; give me a moment to breathe. And not just in terms of the baby, but time to breathe in general.

Because as excited as I am about being a day closer to Rylee's birth, I also feel like each passing day is a day closer to losing my g-ma forever.

When g-pa got really sick, I kept him laughing. I was over at their house SO MUCH just to sit and talk to him. I joked with him, called him "Old Man", listened to his stories about drink Jack Daniel's as a kid (I still have a hard time believing that one), hitch hiking up 23 when hitch hiking was still an economical and relatively safe way to get around, accidentally picking up a male prostitute in Whi.tehall, thinking he was just helping a kid out :) I listened to him, I helped him "empty out" all the stuff he was trying to get rid of ("You need any toilet paper? She has a 36-pack in that extra bedroom. Take that home with you!"), I fed him grapefruit while he would still eat, and I tried my best to make him smile and keep him smiling. Right up until that last day when I was lucky enough to hear his final words, "It don't look too good, does it?" just hours before he passed away, I tried to keep him happy. I know in my heart I did everything I possibly could as his granddaughter to make his last year comfortable and enjoyable, and I did all the things in my life that I knew would make him (and my g-ma) proud of me.

In fact, just a week or so ago, I was going through my dressers to clean them out, and I ran across a birthday card my g-parents gave me when I lived in Chillicothe. Inside was a receipt for a gas gift card my g-pa had gotten me; though he NEVER wrote in b-day cards himself, he had taken a minute to write on that receipt. ON one side was his practicality: "Keep this, so they know it's good" (in reference to the gift card), and on the other side: "You have made me so proud of you." And, I know I did.

I feel like I am trying my best to do the same for g-ma. I keep her laughing by cracking on her, and she adds to my memory bank by cracking back on me. One day, she said, "You don't have to come over here to babysit me," and I responded, "I don't know where you got it in your head that I was coming over here for YOU. Nathan's not home and I don't feel like sitting around by myself. I'm just using you to keep myself occupied." :) She cracked up...and since, she often says, "I'm glad you got to see me" when I leave. She tells me how proud she (and Pappaw) is of me, and she talks to me like I'm a friend rather than a granddaughter. I hate to think of her being gone...I hate to think about how much memories HURT when my g-pa died, and I have so many more memories of just she and I on our road trips, hanging out together, going to dinner...I hate to think about how much my memories of her are going to hurt one day. I hate to think about how all of this laughter and all of her wise cracks are eventually going to come back to haunt me and make me feel empty. I hate to think that I will someday soon not have any close grandparents anymore.

But again, I know in my heart I have done and am doing everything I can to make her happy and to help her feel comfortable. She's such a stubborn old lady! I admire how much support my own mother is providing for her, and I know I would be doing the exact same thing if my own mom were going through this...

I adore my g-ma, which makes every day of excitement for Rylee that much more difficult. Each day closer to saying hello to my baby is a day closer to saying goodbye to my most beloved grandmother. Utter excitement tainted by complete sadness :(

You know that theory that says your body will either increase adrenaline to fight in a situation or basically shut down to "flight" from a situation when faced with high stress? Apparently, my natural urge when faced with too much is "flight" in the form of instantaneous sleep.

I walked into the apartment today to see a packet of about an inch in thickness sitting on our couch. I opened it, realized it was ALL paperwork about the loan for the house, got geared up to sit down and begin going through it, grabbed a pen, had a seat, got comfortable...

and passed out for 2 hours. Dead asleep. It's 6:45 now, and I haven't looked at a single paper yet, lol.

I'm not a mushy-gushy person. I never have been. The hubs and I are definitely not the people you will see fawning over each other in the frozen foods aisle at the grocery store, nor will we ever be the adults acting like children and making out in the back of the movie theater. We're just not those kinds of people. We love each other, obviously, but we don't feel the need (and never really have) to pronounce that love over and over again so everyone can hear it (hence our wedding in Vegas!). We just are.

For the most part, he drives me nuts, lol. There are many things about him that make me cringe, stress me out, make my blood pressure rise. As our time with each other continues to fly by, I still find there are things about him that I'm learning to adjust to, things I may not like, but they make him HIM, and I have to figure out how to be comfortable with that. For each day that passes, we are still learning how to talk to each other, what to accept and what to address. Yes, he drives me crazy with his snoring and the way he smacks his belly and stretches every time he looks in the fridge (haha...he'll hate me for that one!). He DEFINITELY drives me nuts when he talks in his sleep and tries to sell things to people in his dream ("You want this pack of pens? I'll sell it to you for $2"). His impulsiveness and inability to think about the future are diametrically opposed to my need to plan and think through every move I make. The fact that the man tends to have more clothes than I at any single point in time but STILL takes longer than me to find something to wear is entirely annoying!! In 7.5 years, I've found there is a laundry list of my hubs' idiosyncracies that absolutely make me nuts.

But there are many, many more things about him that I appreciate enough to forgive most of his "habits". And because I don't spend enough time shouting my love for him from the treetops (it'll never happen!), I want to take a minute now to list some of the things he does that I appreciate and love about him...

1. He is a little workhorse. Think of any project at any time during any season, and Nathan will work, work, work until it is done. Every time we have moved, he has steadily worked throughout the day to move things into a U-H.aul and into the apartments, while I have had to "rest" after carrying a lamp! Today, for instance, he is busying himself with replacing a door in our apartment, and it has turned into QUITE the project (door is .25" too big, but they don't make it in the exact size). Instead of giving up or getting pissed, he's been working away at this project for 5 hours. His dedication to projects is amazing.

2. When we go to the grocery store, he always goes to grab the cart and uses the sanitizing wipes on it before handing the cart to me because he KNOWS how much of a germaphobe I am.

3. When we bring groceries home, he lets me wait inside while he unloads all of the bags. It's like he has his own little competition going on with himself to see how many bags he can carry at once.

4. He drives whenever we go anywhere, which I love because I HATE driving.

5. I think I've maybe pumped my gas 10 times in the last 7.5 years because he always does it for me. ("I thought that's what men were supposed to do," he says.)

6. He is ALWAYS there for me when I screw something up. For example, I just broke yet another laptop power cord the other day, and when I tried to fix it myself, I pretty much electrocuted myself because I didn't unplug the cord before I started (duh!). He came home, stripped the wires, twisted wire A around B, wrapped the whole contraption in electrical tape and BOOM new power cord.

7. When it comes to cars, he can diagnose or at least give a general idea of every problem. If I need an oil change or air in my tires, or if I can't get my "Check oil" light to go off, he can do it.

8. Even though he snores all night and takes up so much room in the bed, he is SO COMFORTABLE to lean against--especially now that I've got this extra weight to roll around with. Also, he's like the werewolves in T.wilight--108 degrees or something when he sleeps. It's like having my own personal furnace when I'm tossing and turning.

9. He has cleaned the litter boxes himself throughout my pregnancy.

10. He can cook and LIKES to cook!! In fact, there are several things he makes better than I do! Pancakes and eggs are definitely his specialty.

11. I love the way he gets excited talking about the baby. He was so pumped to get to put the baby furniture together (his first real duty as a dad), but unfortunately, expensive furniture (apparently) comes pre-assembled in the box, lol.

12. He will go to the store to buy me tampons (not recently, obviously). I think it's like a point of pride for him to stand in the aisle, pick them out, and carry them through the store. I think it makes him feel like more of a man.

13. I like that he likes to sit down at the table, just the two of us, to eat dinner. The only times in 7.5 years that we've eaten in front of the tv is when we have eaten at separate times or when the table has crap on it. I like that eating together is important to him.

14. If I want anything at any time, he goes and gets it for me. Last night, I had to have a burger and fries at 1:30am, and he went to get it.

15. The things I love the most about him are the things he does without expecting me to notice. He never rubs it in that he does all the stuff I've listed...he just does it, like it's a responsibility that he enjoys. He doesn't put these things on any sort of "You owe me" list...he does them and never mentions them again.

I could literally go on and on about the things I love. Sometimes I find I get so wrapped up in being annoyed that I forget to be thankful for the ways he makes my life easier. He does a lot for me, and even though we disagree on a lot (what's a married couple if you don't disagree???), I am thankful every day to have someone in my life who is here to share half of my burdens. I depend on him for so much more than I ever give him credit for (did you know when you have a significant other, best friend, etc. that you depend on them for 50% of your memory? You tell them things or things happen to the two of you, and while you'll only maintain 1/2 the memory, your "other" will save the other 1/2????), and I'm happy that he's here for me to depend on.

So, here, I'll shout it from the rooftops just this one time...I love my husband and I am so lucky to have him as my best friend, my hemorrhoid :), and my hubs. You're great, Nathan, and don't let my b*tching or nagging lead you to believe otherwise!!

First, I have to say thanks to Christa, who gave me a blog award :)



The rules of the Lemonade Award are...
1. Put the Lemonade logo on your blog or within your post.
2. Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude or gratitude
3. Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
4. Share the love and link to the person from whom you receive this award.

See the bottom of this post for my list of awardees :)

Baby Ry is still doing wonderfully. She is a VERY active little one. I pretty much feel her ALL THE TIME now; there's maybe a few hours or so a day where my intestines get some relief. My lung is still out of breathing room, I'm still constantly dying for sweets and junk food, and my belly seems to grow exponentially every day! I love this, but I can't wait to meet the baby in 14 weeks.

Random comment...has anyone else here seen He.idi Mo.ntag's new body after her 10 PLASTIC SURGERIES?!?! Talk about someone who looks absolutely sad and soulless when she speaks. So sad...so, so, SO sad.

The home buying process is still coming along swimmingly. There's a little disagreement about the price/value of the necessary window repairs, but for us, that is DEFINITELY NOT a deal-breaker. We are so in love with this house, and as far as I am concerned, we'll be moving into it one way or another on March 29.

Exam week is almost over, which means it's back to the regular grind on Monday. I'm excited, though, because 3rd quarter is my busiest quarter. Plus, I LOVE both of the books my kids are reading (Hunger G.ames in E9 and The Ch.ocolate War in HE9). They're going to love the books.

Ok, back to the award...My nominees (and I have to remember to comment and tell them) are...
1. Carla's Corner
2. Sarah Dashner Photography, who takes wonderful pictures, which will come in handy when her baby girl twins come along :)
3. Greek Wife's "Blogging while Blond"
4. Kim @ "Dish Baby"--Can't wait for her to post pics of her twin girls!!
5. Christa @ Fearlessly Infertile, who did an AWESOME overhaul of her blog's appearance recently (and her approach to IF)...good luck, girl as you take this cycle by storm!
6. Kristen @ "The Road Less Traveled"--I know she doesn't post much anymore, being blogged out, but I love being able to keep up with her life. One of the most amazing people I've ever had the good fortune to run across in my life!!

There are several other people whose blogs I follow religiously, but due to recent happenings in their lives, I don't think it's appropriate to bestow an award like this on them :( I can't imagine what these ladies are going through, but my heart goes out to them...

1. Midwife appointment today. Am now switching to appointments every 2 weeks. She said my weight gain is spot on--exactly where it should be, which makes me feel a little less cowish. Baby is doing very well with a very strong heartbeat that the midwife finds immediately every time. The good ole' ute is measuring 27 weeks, so a little ahead. Glucose test at next appointment. Fun times :)

2. The home passed the inspection with flying colors. Just a couple of minor things to be fixed (clean the chimney flue, clean the garden tub drain, replace counterbalances on the windows), and one "major" thing (cost= approx $1500), to replace a couple of the windows whose seals have broken and are accumulating condensation. We'll see what comes of our "request to remedy" paperwork, but all-in-all, those are pretty small repairs.

3. My windshield on my Jeep cracked for the second time in less than a year. Perfect timing for that one, but we're waiting until the house is settled to do anything about it.

4. Exams this week, which means a relatively light workload for me. Then, we start the research paper which is a helluva project until mid-March.

5. Baby shower is scheduled and I'm pretty excited about the whole thing.

6. Slowly but surely beginning to pack and clean for the big move. So much exciting stuff going on!

since I'm a HUGE blabbermouth and think that EVERYONE wants to know EVERY detail of my entire existence...

WE GOT THE HOUSE!!!!!!

I keep coming to my blog to look at the pictures I posted the other day. I CANNOT believe we are going to be the owners of that home on March 29. How exciting! Plus, the way our mortgage works out, we will only be paying a couple hundred more a month FOR A HOUSE!!! I feel so satisfied and content with this whole thing!

Already??? Seriously??? I don't know what it is about getting older, but it seems like every year of my life just goes faster and faster. As my "To-Do" list gets longer, I have less and less time to get it done!

On the list now...
--Call tax lady
--Schedule hospital walk-through for February
--Get these people to accept the terms in our offer for their house!!
--Semester exams in a week
--Baby appointment next Monday
--Alexis' boy's b-day party next Saturday (must remember to ask what we can get him that is decent in price since we're scrounging!)
--Buy said b-day gift
--Grade exams
--Get grades into progress book for Qtr 2 and Semester
--Print and copy stuff for Qtr 3
--Fax all offer paperwork tomorrow morning
--Send thank you card to Nate's uncle

This list goes on and on...Luckily, I'm organized to a fault, so it will all get accomplished, but the minute one thing is crossed off, another 4 are in line to take its place. Such is life, though, eh? During the summers, when I'm off, I NEVER have a to-do list, because the minute I think of something that needs done, I do it. No waiting. No lists. I've got nothing but time, so I do it. I'm sure all of that will change this summer, though...

Speaking of the baby coming along, I really need my organs to stop pressing on my right lung. What started as a small problem a month ago when I would sit down too long has turned into a persistent and extremely painful ache in my right lung and upper back. You know how when you run (which I don't do) you sometimes get that painful "stitch" or cramp in your side, and to make it stop you stretch your arms above your head? Yeah, that "stitch" is what I am now feeling MOST of the time, except no amount of stretching makes it go away. It is EXTREMELY painful, and it feels like there is just no room in my chest for all of my body parts. I hope that like the sciatic nerve pain I had for a couple months, this goes away soon. I certainly can't stand up every minute of every day until the baby comes, ya kno?

Back to school tomorrow. Looks like no snow this week, so nothing to look forward to as far as days off or late arrivals. Good thing, though, since exams are next week and the kiddos need all the review time they can get!

Here's the 4 bedroom, 2.5 bathroom house we are making an offer on...(The pictures are in reverse order, sorry!)

View of the house from the backyard


The master bath


View of the master bath from the master bedroom


Master Bedroom


Formal Dining Room


Kitchen


Kitchen


Living Room


Formal Sitting Room


The Home

I'm trying to get my mind off of all the stuff floating around in it right now...so, let's answer a random journal prompt (the same prompt I gave my kids today for their journals).

Question: You have to get rid of three things in your house--What do you get rid of?

Hmm.....That's tough. I try not to keep a bunch of "junk" lying around, but some stuff ends up accumulating anyhow.

1) The first thing I'd get rid of is the old King-sized comforter off our bed. It snagged on the U-Haul when we moved to this apartment over a year-and-a-half ago. Plus, it was NEVER washed (gross, I know!). The only reason I find myself hanging onto it is because it was so expensive. It was a $300 comforter that we got at M.acy's for like $85. We have since replaced it, and it is completely useless, but I just haven't gotten around to throwing it out.

2) The second thing I'd get rid of is my growing stacks of mail that haven't been filed. Most of our bills and what-not are online now, but I still feel like I have to keep anything that even remotely might be important. My filing cabinet broke when we moved, so I've been using just a little crate. Because it is upstairs and I open my mail in the kitchen, the stacks pile up on the stairs--must take care of them!!

3) The third thing I'd get rid of is the laundry room door. It suffered a minor casualty soon after we moved in when Nate and his friend were trying to bring a speaker into the laundry room storage. The door now has a hole in it, so it has to be replaced before we move (the $$ the apartment will charge to replace it is much more that Lowe's would charge for a new one).

I'm finally coming to terms with everything that happened to Stink. The dermatologist left me a pretty sweet message in which she said none of this was our fault (something I had been thinking), he was just a pretty sick cat, and that we have gone above what could ever be expected as a pet owner. I can now talk about him without bawling, and I now understand that we did what had to be done...it doesn't make the fact that it happened any easier, but it helps to deal with it. His ashes are back, and we've set up a pretty nice display for the little guy. All we can do now is move forward...

And in moving forward, we are off to begin looking at some houses tomorrow despite the massive amounts of "white death" headed our way. We're set on closing on April 1, so we need to be in contract by the end of this month. Luckily, once we changed our expectations for the types of homes we were interested in, we've gotten a consistent and steady flow of houses popping up in our search. Right now, there are 22 on our list. That's a lot of houses to look at, so I'm hoping the right house is in there for us.

...is having to know when and having the courage, strength, and unconditional love to let them go.



Stink was an amazing cat. He was smarter and more personable than your average cat. He was our Alpha male, and he totally ruled the roost in our home. When he was younger (until he was about 2.5), he played fetch just like a dog. You could throw a toy and he would go and get it and bring it back to you. Sometimes, he would pop up in bed (while we were trying to sleep) with the toy in his mouth and meow to get you to play with him. Many, many mornings, we woke up with toys all over the place in the bed. He was also a cuddler. He loved to be held at night from the time we first got him. He'd lay right next to you and let you wrap your arms around him all night, or he'd curl up at the end of the bed and wrap himself around your foot. He was precocious and persistent--always wanting to be in your food and on the counters when we were cooking. He'd eat ANYTHING!!! He was obsessed with drinking water out of dirty dishes that were left in the sink. He stunk to absolute high hell sometimes and was probably the dirtiest cat ever--never cleaned his claws, never covered his horrific smelling poop, I always had to clean his ears for him. He was so sweet....until the end, he would sit in my lap for hours at a time and purr while I held him. In the last two months, he developed this cool talent of peeing in the toilet--no clue where he learned it, he just randomly started doing it one day. It was pretty cool. He was pretty cool...no, he was fantastic and amazing and we'll never find another cat like Stink.

Yesterday, we were faced with the decision that nearly all pet owners have to make at some point in time. Our baby, Stink, was 3.5 years old, and for all of the those 3.5 years, we have had him in and out of doctors, treating him for this and that, paying for this test and that test, giving him this shot and that shot. 3.5 years of feeling like we were shooting in the dark in the hopes of finding a cure for the little guy. Last June, he weighed in at 14 lbs when he was diagnosed with allergies, and we did what the doctors told us to do and followed his immunotherapy program to the T. We gave him the exact amount of the needed shot on the exact day. Every week, his skin and itching got worse and worse, and no one would listen to us. When I continually called the vet to tell them something was very wrong, I was repeatedly told that I needed to have patience and that he would get worse before he got better. Stink lost all of the hair on his head, neck, and a big strip that ran the length of his back.

In November, we were finally given a referral to a dermatologist at O.SU...after paying nearly a thousand dollars and trying several more meds, it seemed on some days like he was getting better. Some days, he would eat 3 bowls of food, which was great. Some days, we could see signs of the old Stink....lying on his back waiting for his belly to be rubbed (like a dog), running downstairs when someone was in the kitchen, jumping up on the counters, meowing. I felt like he was gaining weight...I felt better about him. We scheduled a skin biopsy for next Friday, Jan 8, which would be able to tell us what was infecting his skin; though the dermatologist told us from the beginning it was likely that the immunotherapy had compromised his immune system so much that something more serious could be going on inside him (lupus, AIDS, etc). I was holding out so much hope for this biopsy...I just wanted an answer for us and for him. I wanted it to be done--I wanted to know the cure and to stop stabbing in the dark.

On Thursday, Stink started missing the counter at my mom's house when he would try to jump up there. Not unusual...all my cats have had that problem before. On Friday, he was stumbling every time he walked. Moving around, he would twitch and look so weak. I spent so much time with him on Friday, cuddled up in the bed like we used to do or holding him, wrapped in a towel, on my mom's couch. I knew he was sick, and I knew how bad he looked. I called the emergency services at O.SU, and after being told it would cost $150 just to bring him in, I decided to wait until Saturday to take him to his regular vet.

After a nearly sleepless night tossing and turning and worrying and remembering how Stink used to be, I got a call from my mom at exactly 8:30am. She said he looked much worse, and in my heart, I knew that by the end of the day, I would no longer have my amazing Stink...We headed straight to my mom's, and when we walked in, he was swaddled in a blanket looking so sick and small and so much like a kitten. I held him in the towel the whole way to the vet and while in the examining room. He was down to 7 pounds. We waited, waited, waited for the vet to come in, but I was somewhat thankful for the wait because the longer we sat there, the more time we had before we had to know the truth. We were both a mess. We tried to let Stink walk, but he couldn't stand without falling down. My heart was breaking, and I could see Nate's heart breaking in the tears that were falling from his very soul.

When the vet finally came in, we knew from the look on her face it was over. She told us several scenarios. Either whatever had infected his skin had made its way to his cerebellum causing severe neurological problems, or he's always had some sort of immune system deficiency that has never been caught and has been the underlying root of all his problems. She said we could try another antibiotic to see if it would reach his brain, but the chance of success was only 25%...she said we could do a spinal tap on Monday, but who knows if he would survive the anesthetic. But...if we have learned anything from Stink's life, it is that no amount of money, no matter how great or small, is capable of fixing some problems. We could've paid for the meds and the procedure, no problem, but it was just going to cause him more pain, and we would have to watch him suffer. We made our decision with the utmost love and care; his whole life, we have given him everything and tried everything we could, and he, in return, has given us unconditional love and every last bit of his strength. It didn't matter how much we had fought him to get a pill down his throat, he would turn right around a minute later and love on us like he knew we were only doing it for him. How much more can you ask from an animal than to try as hard as he has try and to fight as hard as he has fought his whole life.

We got some time with him before the time came, and my mom (thank God) came up to sit with us. We all held him and loved him and told him how much he meant to us. I kept telling him how sorry I was...sorry for making him worse with the immunotheraphy, sorry that his life ended up this way, sorry that we didn't have more time with him...I was just so sorry. He looked at us, so weak in his blanket, and I kept feeling like his eyes were begging for this to be over. At one point, while I was holding him, his little hand reached out from the blanket and landed on my lip...someday, I will see that as the sign for "it's ok," but I can't see it that way now. I feel too guilty and too hurt from our decision. Holding him and waiting for the moment to come, all I could think about was how I wished I didn't have a soul so I never had to feel this kind of pain. I wished my heart wasn't so big, so there was less of it to break when things like this happen.

Then, at noon, it was over, and we left the vet empty-handed. My baby, OUR baby was gone. I just hope he knew how much he was loved and always will be loved. I hope he knew how much it hurt us to make that decision and how painful it's going to be to get through our grief. I've never felt so much pain...I've never cried so much...I can't seem to get the hurt to stop. Good memories, bad memories, memories of his last moments, memories when we got him as a kitten, it all hurts. I know that no matter what we did or how much we would pay (which we would've given EVERYTHING if it would've made him better), our original Stink was gone. What we've had for the last year or so was not our baby, but it was a fighter...a fighter who gave his all, but some days couldn't get up long enough to live.

Our beautiful, amazing, cool, fantastic, pesky, loving, cuddling, playful, wonderful, talented, smart, dirty Stink will forever be in our hearts, and eventually, my soul will stop aching long enough for me to see the humanity and love in the decision we had to make.

Rest in peace, my Baby Bean...