Confessions of a Blogaholic

Dear Uterus,

There comes a time in every woman's life when baby-making is on the brain. That time has been the past 15 months for me. My biological clock is frantically ticking. I smile at babies; I stroll through baby stores and baby departments; I look at cute baby clothes; I picture babies packed snuggly into their car seats in the back of the new Jeep I bought specifically for babies! I do everything every other woman who wants to be a mom does in preparation for that little one.

Instead of assisting me on this path, you have chosen to be a bitch. Now, don't take too much offense to that---I understand, I have mistreated you in the past. I've complained about your natural processes (or lack thereof), and I've moaned about some of the ungodly cramps you've gifted to me. So, maybe I deserve a little apathy on your part. But never, and I mean NEVER, have I had to sit through as much pain as I have during these "procedures" to check and make sure you're functioning correctly.

For instance, today, during the HSG, I was hoping to find a blocked tube or something. Something to justify your lack of cooperation with me in my baby-making pursuits. But, when the X-ray tech passed the X-ray machine over my dye-filled, swollen, pain-stricken uterus, there you were on the X-ray screen, smiling slyly and oh so menacingly perfect in response.

I need you to help me out here. I need you to get yourself together and understand that I have a whole life left for you to torture me. All I'm asking for is 9 months of your time to create, house, and nourish a baby. All I need is just a little participation on your part in putting this together--all the pieces have been perfectly aligned, and I just need you to seal the deal. Help a sista out!!

In highest regards,
Anxiously Awaiting Your Cooperation

________________________________________________________________________

Dear Realtor,

You are pissing me off. Why is it that I haven't heard from you now since last Thursday? I'd be stupid to think that there are NO HOUSES out there that match our requests. Then again, I guess you'd have to talk to us to find out what our requests are.

Let me remind you how your job works. See, you get PAID when you get us into a HOUSE and the contract is CLOSED. You DON'T GET PAID if we either 1) Don't get a house, or 2) Decide to go with another realtor. Yes, that's right. At this point, we are very close to sacrificing the $1,000 we get from Lifestyle for using you simply because you are too busy to do your job correctly. What's that???? You can't remember how to do your job?? Well, let me tell you....you find us houses (WE are NOT SUPPOSED to find houses for OURSELVES--THAT is YOUR JOB!), you take us to see houses that fit our needs (You MEET us at these houses, we do not PICK YOU UP and DRIVE YOU to them!!!), you give us suggestions on offers to make (You don't just say, "Well, whatever number you feel comfortable with!"), and YOU keep in contact with US until we successfully find a home. Going a week without any contact is a sign of a BAD REALTOR.

And let me tell you something, lady. You can sit in my backseat while we're driving to look at homes and fiddle with your Blackberry and tell us how oh-so busy you are and how it's so hard for you to find the time to balance everything in your life. BUT LET ME REMIND YOU---Those of us who don't carry Blackberries are JUST AS BUSY!! I don't have the time to do YOUR JOB for myself. YOU picked YOUR JOB. Noone picked it FOR YOU....

So. Do your damn job, or I fear we aren't going to find a house.

Signed,
Annoyed

In the second most painful procedure of my life (the HSG), we found out that I do not have blocked tubes. Yipee!! The procedure was simple: insert speculum, insert catheter, shoot dye, wait for doctor, place X-ray machine, look at picture, and *BAM* the dye went through to the ovaries--voila! Open tubes!

On the plus side, this is one more step out of our way to babydom. We now know there is no "physical malfunction" of the tubes preventing pregnancy from taking place.

On the not-so-plus side, if the IF continues, this means something else may be standing in our way.

Next step...SA on Thursday morning. One more step out of the way.

BOO TO CLOMID CYSTS, and BOO to having to take a cycle off. That's right, cysts on both ovaries. I can do nothing more strenuous than a light walk for the next month.

Yay to getting a semen analysis and an HSG on Tuesday of next week.

BOO to having to have an HSG. I have heard it is as painful as if not moreso than the biopsy, and I will die if it is like that. Grrrr.....

YAY to the fact that missing this cycle puts my potential maternity leave that much closer to next year's summer vacation. I could sooooooooo go for having 16 weeks off with a little one.

BOO TO IF!!! You suck! I hate you.

You know who you are.

I have to tell you how truly and utterly heartbroken I am for you. There are no words to make you feel better, but I have to try. I wanted so badly for you to be successful...for selfish reasons, I needed you to be successful to make my own situation feel like it will work out. I needed for it to happen for you so that I could feel better about my IF. I needed to know that no matter what, it will be possible if I just keep trying and persisting. But mostly, I wanted you to be successful for you...you deserve to be happy and satisfied and to experience all the wonderful things being a mother has to offer. You are a mother to 180 other people's children a year, and I desperately need to believe you will get to be a mother to your own. The world doesn't work when people who deserve good things can't have them. I am tearing up as I write this because there aren't enough words to tell you how badly I wanted this for you.

There already IS something wrong in a world where IF happens to such good people.

I know I'm not the only one who was there with you each step of the way. I was pulling for you more than I was pulling for myself. We were all pulling for you, and we are pulling for you in whatever you do next.

Please know that you are truly an inspiration. The huge outpouring of support you know where is proof of that. We all love you and hold your situation so dearly to our hearts. While we will never be able to share in your feelings exactly, we all know what that constant disappointment and heartbreak feels like, and we all understand the yearning you have been feeling for so long.

Please know...I don't look up to you just because you were my teacher. I look up to you because you give me so much hope. Your determination and persistence is what gets me through each negative. Your strength is what finally gets me out of bed when I "check out" at the end of each cycle. You will never know how much our conversations have pulled me through over the last few months. I am just so, so, so sorry for the awful sadness you have been dealt through these last few years.

For having no words, I sure said a lot...Let me know if you need anything. My heart goes out to you.

Today was D-day. The day I should have either gotten a + or AF. But, lo and behold, I got nothing. I got a negative on the HPT, and I've got no signs or symptoms of AF. This time last cycle, I had already had AF for two days and "spotting" for 3 and "major cramps" for about 4-5 days. This time...nothing. Nothing at all.

So, I call the RE and he says to give it a week. I can continue testing during that time, but I should call them if AF shows up. If not, I will have to go in next Monday for u/s to check for cysts and b/w to confirm that I'm not pg.

All of this does two terrible things to me....
1) Gives me hope and optimism that I probably shouldn't have. Is it possible that I could still get a +??
2) Gives me even more hope that I can't put too much stock in HPTs. I mean, if the RE would want to do b/w just to confirm that the HPTs are false, wouldn't that mean that HPTs can sometimes mess up???

I'm so confused about what is going on!!!

Friday night, I went to sleep at 1am and slept until 1pm Saturday. Then, I went back to bed at 2pm and slept until 7pm. Then, I went BACK to bed at 11:30 and slept until 9:30 this morning.

Today, I fell asleep on the couch at 3pm and just woke up again at 7pm.

WTF?

And this hasn't been that restless, I'm getting a headache, painful, gross sleep; this has been incredibly deep and restful, "I can't wake up if I tried" sleep! I have some monster bags under my eyes, though.

And before you say it...I got another BFN this morning on the HPT.