Confessions of a Blogaholic

Tomorrow is the ultrasound, and we are both so nervous. We've spent the last week and 2 days wondering whether we are having twins or not. It's hard not to start thinking, seeing, and saying "doubles" after seeing those two, beautiful sacs in there. It's even harder not to think twins when the RE herself couldn't tell us for sure one way or another. It's been a stressful week of waiting, and I've caught myself saying "the babies" or "when they come" several times. Way to put the cart before the horse, Christina.

To be sure, though, we will not be disappointed if there is only one. One baby was our goal all along. Two babies would just be an extra little joy.

All this waiting has made me very cranky. I'm cranky with the students, annoyed all the time. My classes seem to pass so slowly when I'm obsessing about time going faster. The kids are still pretty decent, but I feel like I'm always annoyed by them. It's an awful feeling, because it makes me think I don't like my job anymore or something, but I know that's not the case. It's just that I have so many other things going on in life that I'm enjoying so much more than being a teacher!!! I'm sure that by this time next year, everything will be fine, and I'll remember how much I love what I do.

Yesterday was our reunion in Kentucky. Most people didn't even recognize my grandma because of what the cancer has done to her body (not to mention her long hair that was always tucked into a bun). She's such a wonderful, amazing lady...

Seriously, can I just get an ultrasound? My next one isn't until Monday at 3:45 and I'm DYING to see if it's one baby or two and to make sure the baby/babies is/are ok and have a strong heartbeat!!! I'm so anxious that I'm starting to get bitchy and cranky. I keep finding myself thinking, "My job is driving me nuts," but I know it's just my total impatience making me cranking.

I have a bad feeling the next 8 months or so will consist of me simply living until the next ultrasound. Sheesh!

Anyone check out Vampire Diaries tonight on the CW? Mmmmmmm.....It's like a weekly dose of Twilight.

I'm actually 6w6d today, my ticker is off by one day. Apparently, my days change on Thursday because of the trigger shot I received.

I'm still feeling pretty good. After that one weird bout of morning sickness on Friday, I haven't had much of anything except extreme aversions to food. For instance, I didn't eat anything last weekend because 1) Nothing sounded good, and 2) When I would eat, I couldn't swallow it without gagging. Bread and grains are especially not on my list of things to eat right now as the very thought of chewing them makes my stomach turn. Dry food is also on my no-no list.

Because of this, whenever I get a "hankerin" for something, we go get it since it's probably something I can eat. I was dying for some chili cheese fries on Sunday, so we went and got some because I hadn't eaten much throughout the weekend. This morning, I was desperately craving some fruit, so I stopped by Meijer to get some on the way to work. I guess you do what you have to do when you're starving and nothing sounds or feels edible.

But, I still haven't been getting sick. I think the food issues are just all in my head...but they're severe enough that they are affecting my ability to eat. I guess if I had to choose between food aversions/lack of eating and vomiting, I'd go with the aversions.

Sleep is also at a premium. I'm up to a ridiculous 3.5-4 hour nap every day after school and back in bed by around 9:30. Hubs thinks I'm lazy; I know I'm pregnant.

I wish there was more to report, but I got nada...

Oh, "So You Think You Can Dance" is back on tonight :)

Some of you have probably been wondering how my g-ma is doing, since I haven't talked a whole lot about her situation recently. The truth is...things are not going so well for her right now.

The last couple of weeks, she has been unable to have her chemo treatment because her red blood cell count was too low. It was a 7, normal is 13. After being off work last week for 3 or so days, and spending the majority of those days in bed, my mom finally called g-ma's doctor to ask them about doing the blood transfusion they talked about a few weeks prior. My g-ma (not knowing my mom had also called) called the cancer doctor to tell them she's feeling very low--sad, depressed, unable to sleep. The cancer doctor (Dr. S.) brought her in on Friday for a blood draw that revealed her red blood cells are still very low and unchanging (at a 7), and decided it was time to do the blood transfusion.

9 hours at the hospital, and g-ma has brand new blood as of Friday evening. All the more reason why we should all be blood donors--it's the least we can do to help save someone's life. Thinking she would feel like a million bucks in only a couple of days, g-ma thought she would be all set to finally receive her chemo today.

Today, g-ma still stayed home from work. Last night, she was in tremendous pain. She told my mom she almost called her really late last night so she could come over. Dr. S. told g-ma today they should, again, not do another treatment right now, and should, instead, go forward with a CAT scan to see what is going on. He thinks her liver is no longer responding to the treatment, and her future treatments will depend on the outcome of the scan--the results of which we will not get until Monday, the same day we have our ultrasound and see our beautiful baby/ies.

Until this point, it had never really crossed my mind that my g-ma wouldn't be here next year. I've always thought she would make it until at least June/July of 2010, because she always seemed to look good and, though tired, feel good. As days progress, I can't help but see my timeline for her future get shorter and shorter. Some days, I don't see her making it until the baby is born; some days, I don't think she'll make it until January; sometimes, I wonder if she'll even make it until our big family trip to Myrtle Beach this Christmas; and sometimes, I wonder if the birth of Alexis' second child is set to be the doom of yet another of my family members. G-ma looks bad. She missed a lot of work this last month or so. She's lost around 10 pounds in two weeks. She's talking about not being able to drive anymore--something my grandpa started talking about 1.5 months before his death. I'm starting to feel like it's all just a matter of time now.

My g-ma is one of my best friends. I've had HOURS long conversations with her on our many, many road trips alone to West Virgina, Kentucky, and Georgia. I was there with her through some of her most recent tough times--like when she lost her sister in Georgia and we were only 11 miles away from the hospital. My grandma always says that she loves hanging out with my mom and I because we keep her laughing forever. G-ma was one of our biggest supporters while we were TTC--no grandma should ever know as much about her granddaughter's sex life as my ultra-conservative g-ma knew!!! I could never ask for a better grandma in my life than the one I grew up two doors away from. My heart aches to think that this will be the way this world ends for her--another wonderful, devout human being crushed by a disease beyond her control.

I haven't pictured my life without her. It's almost equal to trying to picture my life without my own mother--I just can't. It hurts too much. I want g-ma to hang on; I'm silently begging for these treatments to work, but at the same time, I'm begging for her not to go the way my g-pa did.

Please, keep us all in your thoughts...

Off to shop for baby stuff with my mom. Yeah, it's early, but I'm dead-set on this pregnancy not ending in a miscarriage. It's just not going to happen.

Ok, let's start from the beginning....I got up this morning, feeling ok, a little hot, but ok. I had to take a cold shower because I was pretty warm. When I got out of the shower, I was cold, but was sweating bullets like crazy--one of those insane cold sweats, but worse. It was dripping down my face. I started to get a little nauseous standing at the counter to brush my teeth, so I sat on the side of the tub. I started thinking, "This is it. I'm gonna puke. I've got morning sickness." After about 10 minutes of sitting there, I got REALLY HOT and decided I HAD to make it to the bedroom to sit in front of the fan. This is where all the trouble started.

I stood up, and by the time I reached the bathroom door, my vision started to turn black. I couldn't see anything. I stumbled against the walls of the hall trying desperately to make it to the bedroom before I fell over. Somehow, I ended up in the doorway to our office. I knew that's where I was standing, but I still couldn't see anything and I was still stumbling everywhere. Then, my whole body started to convulse. My arms were flailing against either side of the door jam. I kept thinking, "Get your hand on the door so you don't fall! Get your hand on the door!" But, as I tried to raise my hand, it just kept flailing everywhere.

Finally my sight came back enough for me to stumble back to the bathroom (again, hitting the walls super hard along the way). I started screaming, "Nathan! Nathan! Oh my God! Nathan!" and he came running upstairs. At some point, I fell to my knees and started crawling. When I got to the tub again, I hoisted myself up to sit on it. Nathan came into the bathroom and I told him he needed to take me to the emergency room; I thought I was having a seizure or a stroke or something. Finally, I got sick...ah, precious release. As soon as I puked, I was ok. No more blacking out or dizziness.

Regardless, I called the RE this afternoon and they wanted me to get in there today at 2:15. So, we went. They ran as many tests as an infertility doctor can, and then did the ultrasound.

The sweet, sweet ultrasound...

First, she looked at my ovaries, which are HUGE!!! A fully-mature follicle is about 20mm, I have cysts in both my ovaries that are around 38mm big!!! She said it's no wonder I've put on 5 pounds, had the cramping issues, and can't fit into my jeans already. Unfortunately, there's nothing they can do for those now. I just have to wait them out, but she said they would go away eventually.

Then, she looked at my uterus, and there was a sweet, sweet circle (or two, more about that in a minute) with a baby bean inside. We got to hear the baby's heartbeat and even see it on the screen. I wish I wasn't so sick, because I would have been so much more excited. What a beautiful little heartbeat--we're not fully out of the woods for miscarriage, but our risks are significantly lower (like 5-10% chance).

About that second circle...it kept popping up a little ways away from the for-sure baby. She said it was DEEEP in my uterus and pushed so hard to try and see it that I thought I would pee!! She couldn't say for sure yet if it was a second sac, but she said it is very possible. She said though my beta numbers weren't exorbitantly high, it is possible that a second egg implanted late, which wouldn't affect my betas when they were originally taken (early). Both Nathan and I kept thinking we saw a white spot against the side of the second sac, but the doc said it is too early to say yes or no on it. Even the possibility is amazing!!!

This whole process is so wonderful. Even when I was going through hell this morning, I was so happy to know that it's the result of a baby inside of me :) I'm going to be a mother, and Nathan is going to be a fantastic father. How insane!

So, I'm still exhausted all the time--especially after school, though, when I'm not frantically running around teaching a million kids a bajillion things. Though I'm super tired...I can't sleep. This is an all-of-a-sudden development, like over the last 3 days. I lay down to take my 2-hour nap, and nothing. I go to bed at 8 thinking I can't possibly stay awake for one more minute...nothing--I toss and turn for hours. Tonight, I did both--nap around 5, nothing, bed at 10, nothing. I AM SO FREAKING TIRED IT'S RIDICULOUS.

I would venture to say that Hubs would tell you I've already reached some moodiness. I go from lovey-dovey, "I'm so glad I married you" on one day to, "I want to rip your eyeballs out" the next. This could be a direct result of being tired, though, and not being pregnant.

School is still going well. I am still waiting on the bottom to drop out with my kids because they are SO FREAKING GOOD. It is insane. Today, they had to read "To Build a Fire" by Jack London (not an exciting page-turner, let me tell you), and they all read. Every period. All day. During my 9th period (traditionally the least well-behaved class of the day), I almost wanted to run next door and tell the teacher to come look at my class. "Just look at them!" I wanted to say, "They're all........WORKING!!" Out of 120 kids, I only had 3 of them not turn in their first homework assignment today--AMAZING. Last year, about 70 out of 120 didn't turn in their homework assignment. I'm still keeping my fingers crossed that these are all signs of an excellent year ahead.