Confessions of a Blogaholic

My secret obsession with Kings of Leon started a couple (?) years ago when that movie Disturbia with Shia LeBouf (another secret obsession) came out. There was a song by them in the soundtrack and I fell deeply in love with them. The soulful, scratchy voice of the lead singer makes me want to crawl in the tub alone in a darkened bathroom with a cold beer and a lit candle. I love music that moves me to an emotion. Poetry has never spoke to me, but the actual sound of a song paired with "groovy" (for lack of a better word) lyrics can alter my sentiments in mere seconds.

My emotions have been rather stagnant since Monday. While I'm trying not to dwell on the doctor's appointment or the upcoming biopsy, I'm having a difficult time finding other things on which to concentrate. Luckily, my love for my job keeps me fulfilled and satisfied for 7.5 hours a day, distracting me from my otherwise saddening fixation.

I did go an talk to my g-ma tonight. Thank God for g-mas; they always know the right words to say at the exactly right times. I told her I am more worried about my mom than myself; regardless of the outcome, I can almost guarantee my mom is already a mess inside with this whole situation. She takes the weight of the world on her shoulders, and I almost regret not waiting to tell her until I found out the results myself. She will probably worry herself to death over the next couple of weeks--she already hand-delivered a beautiful bouquet of roses as a token of her utter devastation and concern for me. I told my g-ma how worried and scared I am; she, of all people, can understand because she went through similar stuff herself and with my g-pa. She said, "Christina, there is nothing you can change now. Whatever is in you--or NOT in you--is already there. It's not going anywhere, and there's nothing you can do about it. Now, you just find out the results and handle them however you can." Ahh....g-mas always bring the peace.

At one point, I mentioned to g-ma feeling all alone because no one in my family has a history with any of this. I said, "I just wish I knew of someone who had to take some sort of hormones for this same issue," and she says, "Well, now, I had to take estrogen to help me out in my 30's." I looked at her, laughed, and said, "Now, Mammaw, don't you think you could've told me that a couple weeks ago when I was asking you about your medical history???"

I was elated tonight to see a response to my "RP: Endometrial Hyperplasia" post on an infertility board I frequent. While I hate that someone else has to deal with such a disease, I was thankful to find SOMEONE out there. I was so excited that I couldn't wait to email her and find out more about her experiences. She is 39 (from her profile), which still leaves be with a ton of questions because I've googled and googled and googled and have yet to find anyone my age with this sort of diagnosis.

Everyone has been so helpful. Even though a lot of you can't post comments because you don't have a profile, I deeply appreciate the support I've gotten. I feel like all I can think about is this situation right now, and I'm getting so tired of hearing myself say "biopsy." But you're all just listening patiently and offering any help I might need (although I still wish Alexis would go do the biopsy for me!!). I don't know what to tell you to say to make it better, I don't know what I need from you to make it seem like a smaller issue, but listening to me whine on and on about it is good enough. And, if you've made it this far, you're already giving me all you can.

My grandma's cancer is shrinking (maybe the psychic was right...?). Though one mass has not changed in shape or size, she has lost significant size from the other areas of cancerous cells.

The plan? 3-5 more rounds of chemotherapy, then she has to take 6 months to a year off from treatment. The chemotherapy has been intense and aggressive, but she has been blessed with no sickness and no pain--she has only suffered complete hair loss and some tiredness.

My grandpa never would have made it if he were stuck watching her go through this; for the order of events over the last few years, I am thankful.

Today was the Psychic Party at a friend's house. I wasn't nervous, just in desperate need of some answers!

Baby: She said I'd have an answer by April, due in January 2010, and it would be a boy.

Relationship: My hubs loves me, we "do everything well together," we'll both live into our 80s, and we'll eventually have 2 kids and live healthy, happy lives.

Nathan: He lives by the motto "He who dies with the most (stuff) wins." He likes to spend, spend, spend. I am the polar opposite of him in my spending habits. I control the money and have to tell him no to things. Though he doesn't verbalize it, he is just as excited to be a dad as I am to be a mom. He loves me deeply.

Mom's health: Though her back has been bad for quite awhile, she is going to be feeling better in the next few months.

Grandma's health: She's stubborn and not going anywhere. Though her cancer will never fully go into remission, she is going to be around for at least the next two years. She feels like she still has a lot of children to raise.

My health: I need to work on my posture and get a new office chair for my desk in the classroom. Also, I can be expecting a respiratory cold in the next month.

What the universe has to say to me: I live in fear. Everyday I'm afraid of money problems, baby problems, everyone else's lives, but mostly, I live in fear of making ends meet. I should know by now that things always work themselves out, and I need to let go of some of that fear. I will have enough money. We will never be living on the streets or anything, so I need to enjoy spending a little more.

If you know me, you know how true-to-life much of this was. What a fun time!!

I try not to complain that much, especially about things completely out of my control. But I HATE SNOW!!!

Today was yet another snow day (our 6th of the year, I think), which means we have to make up days at the end of the year now. No big deal to me; it's finals week, all I do is sit around anyhow. Hell, at this point, if we're going to have to come back for an extra day in an extra week anyhow, we might as well take another 4 snow days! What's the point in just coming for a Monday when you could go ahead and come for 4 more days? Like I said, it's all finals, so it's not like I have to do a lot of work. I'd rather take the entire winter off and have school through the summer when it's warm and I can open the windows, than to have to be in school on cold, snowy day.

There is nothing worse than a downpour of snow when you're trying to teach something. ("Oh my gosh! Can you believe it's snowing outside?" "Look outside, look at all the snow!" "Maybe we'll get out early today!!") As interesting and exciting as English Language Arts may be, no reading or writing assignment can compete with the white stuff.

I made a stop into the wig store today with my mom to pick up something for g-ma. We had to buy those little stocking caps that people wear under their wigs, who has officially lost all of her hair. I'm still in awe at the price people pay for these wigs, and I'm slightly offended that even cancer patients have to pay full price for them. For all the things cancer survivors (surviving with, not dying from) have to pay and do and suffer, offering them a wig or a cap at some sort of discount seems like a necessary charity. I guess even wig makers have to make a living, though.