Confessions of a Blogaholic

My last major window of absence was around this time last year, and when I rejoined blogging, I had 1) separated from my then-husband, 2) accepted a new job and left my classroom, and 3) become adjusted to life as a single parent.

 This most recent long-winded absence is no different.

I have 1) taken a new position as a curriculum director, 2) moved Rylee and myself two hours away from Columbus, 3) sold my house, and 4) adjusted to my new life as a single parent far away from all support systems.

It has been fantastic.

I have always thought that the greatest things in life come from taking the greatest risks, and that's been the case with this most recent life upheaval.  In the span of 6 days, I put my house on the market, had 4 showings, received a really strong offer, and went into contract.  Two weeks later (and miles and miles and miles of insane stress!!!) the house closed and is no longer mine.  During that one month, I made two U-Haul trips (and hours of moving--tremendous thanks go to Bill, my mom's man, who busted his behind to help with each move), got a storage unit, had the roof, garage door, air conditioner, and hot water heater repaired, finished painting trim, got Rylee into a daycare, found a place to live in the new city, and started my job.  It has been absolutely insane, but once again, Rylee and I came out on top.  My income is now double what it was one year ago, and I still consider myself incredibly lucky and humbled to constantly have these amazing opportunities given to me.  Coincidence, luck, hard work, or whatever it is, I am thankful every day.

I can't promise I'll write again soon.  My life is all about everything and everyone else from the moment I get up until Rylee goes to sleep at night--it's me, all me, all day, but I love it.  I love the freedom to raise Rylee how I want to, to go and do as I want, to be a mom to my kiddo (even when she's throwing tantrums in the store or screaming while I'm strapping her into the carseat), and I get to live life.  I was in a comfort zone in my life prior to the move--with no real reason to step out and meet new people or try new things.  Obviously, everything is new now, and it's so much more exciting every day.

Last weekend was rough. It was awful; I was lonely; Rylee was gone; her birthday was the 4th. I spent Friday crying on the phone to Terri and going to my mom's for a change in scenery, Saturday going to Terri's to tag along on a Menard's trip, and Saturday evening sitting around chatting with Peggy (my friend in Apple Valley). Sunday, I cleaned and slept and all-around felt sorry for myself and my loneliness. I think that weekend was the first time since Nathan moved out that I actually felt divorced, and it was gross, sad, and totally unbecoming on me. So, I decided to stop saying no. To everything. If I'm invited to do something, no matter how uncomfortable it may make me feel, I going to do it. For instance, Terri's mother-in-law invited me to a theater thing on June 1. I checked my calendar, saw it was a weekend when Ry's at her dad's, and said, "Absolutely, I will absolutely go to that." It is all the way in Wooster, but I've got nothing but time on those weekends. Peggy invited me to an Amish auction--Yup, I'm on board. Then, she invited me to stay the night at her house Friday and Saturday--Sure, sounds fun! Then, she invited me to listen to some band Saturday night--Why not? I refuse to spend any more weekends sitting around feeling sorry for myself, so...plans? Need someone to come along? I'm totally your person. The divorce was finalized on Friday, and I have to say it was bittersweet. I wish I could say we had had moments of reconciliation over the past 7 months, but we haven't. I wish I could say I regret some, all, any of anything that has happened, but I don't. No part of me feels like a failure because my marriage didn't work out--I know I gave it everything I had. No part of me misses what "could have been" or what "might have been," because it simply wasn't, and that's ok, too. What I can say is that I gave 9 years of my life to someone to try and help them become the person they always could have become, and it didn't happen. It didn't work, which is fine, but I refused to give even one more day of my life to something that wasn't changing. Looking forward, now, I don't really care if I find other people to let into my life or not. I've come to terms with the idea that Rylee may be my only child and/or that it may be years before I ever try again. I've come to terms with potentially leaving my house to move elsewhere where Rylee and I can start afresh. I've even come to terms with the potential of never finding anyone good enough. I'm going to be ok; Rylee is going to be ok. On to the next chapter...

Today was Ry's bday party (by the way, Jess and Carla--have totally gotten your comments, but keep forgetting to go back and approve to post!!! Will do as soon as I remember!). Rylee had such a good day. For the last month or so, Nathan has texted me pictures of all the cool things he has gotten for his party for her: a princess dress for her to wear, a custom cake, a table and chair gift set, etc etc. And to be honest, I just couldn't afford and didn't have the time to make it a huge deal this year. We reused decorations from last year, bought a premade cake that I just added a few decorations to, bought a couple pizzas for lunch, and I bought he an art easel (on sale!) for her gift. I was feeling pretty crummy about not giving her the big shindig Nathan is throwing...but then I saw how happy and engaged she was with her party. Mom had bought her a blue polka dot dress to wear (adorable picture below), she ate her piece of pizza like a happy champ, opened all of her gifts without getting bored, thanked everyone for what they got her. When we sat down to open gifts, she leaned over and kissed my arm. I said, "did you just wipe your mouth mommy?" and she said, "no, kiss." Then she gave me another kiss and a hug--all without my asking. After everyone left, she napped from 1-5 (!!!), and when I went to wake her, she sat up and said, "happy birfday day, mommy!". She said that several more times as we made our way to the grocery store. I even let her stay up a little late tonight while we watched some of her favorite movie (Tangled), but by 8:20 (only 20 minutes after her usual bedtime), she said, "milky and night night, please.". She knows the routine and was ready to go.

It's not about the parent who spends the most money or even the parent who spends the most time. It's not about who does what for her or who spoils her rotten. When it comes down to it, a kid knows when someone truly loves them. Rylee knows that, and she's only 2. It feels good to be a half-decent parent sometimes.

Tomorrow I take off to Chicago for an international convention for work. It should be a good trip, but I have been running a lot the last couple of weeks, so I'll definitely be ready for the running to be over when I come back wednesday night and I'll be ready for a relaxing weekend next weekend when Ry is at her dad's (once again, one of those nice benefits to shared parenting). Rylee's actual birthday is Friday the 4, so I'll be working from home that day and spending some time with her.

May 11 is my court date to affirm the dissolution. At this point, it's a little up in the air what will happen in terms of Nathan's agreement to the dissolution. Not that he wants to back out, but he may or may not still agree to the custody schedule. Who knows...if not, the stress of the divorce will continue one for who knows how much longer :(. Luckily, Rylee is totally kept in the dark about everything, and I believe at this point she doesn't even remember what it was like to have both Nathan and I under the same roof. She's adjusting so well.

Things are still going well. There have been some crazy financial issues that have arisen (like my mortgage lender raising my rate $125, which I had removed, by the way!), but I have always been good with money. I feel constantly blessed that I got the job I did because without that opportunity, none of this would be possible. I also feel incredibly blessed to have a mom who is way too overbearingly supportive! :)

Let's do some pics. I'll try to post more party ones when I have then...

I have had a LONG few days.

Friday was Ry's last day with the babysitter she has had for a long time. Unfortunately, I had to make a tough decision, and I made it. I would never have expected the long chain of consequences to result from that decision, but it is what it is. I have to put my daughter's needs and our ability to have a happy life first.

So now Terri comes to stay with me from Monday through Thursday or Friday, depending on the week. I was pretty nervous about having another person in the house again, but Ry LOVES Terri. It has only been a couple days so far, but Ry already seems to be benefitting from her new ability to sleep without being woken up at 6:30. Terri is working on potty training, and she has a carseat so she can take Ry to story time at the library, Cosi, the zoo, the store, and play dates with her sister-in-laws kids. Even more beneficially, Ry and I are getting more time together because we can hang out in the morning some before I got to work and earlier in the evening because we're not just getting home at 6:00. So far, so good. Was it worth the consequences? In the long run, probably.

Work has been literally kicking my butt. This new position is perfect for me because it is a job in which my passions and my talents align pretty perfectly. This means that I love what I do, and I am good at it, but I tend to work all. The. Time. Both because I enjoy it and because I want to get things accomplished. Friday we received feedback on one of the projects we were working on. Again, because those lines between life and work blur so easily for me, I found myself working late on Friday, several hours on Sunday, until 7:00 last night, and finally getting a break today and leaving by 3:00. It has been long, exhausting work, but when I remind myself how doing this work is both totally life fulfilling AND allows me to support my household and live comfortably, it all seems incredibly worth it.

On the Ry front, I am still amazed by her everyday. Her birthday party (Carla-you guys are invited up, just keep forgetting to email!!!! Jess-I don't think they've invented teleportation devices to get you up that quickly, lol) is April 28 from 11-1. Nathan is doing a big, princess themed bash for her, but I'm going slightly low-key this year by just inviting family. Plus, the following day, I take off for a road trip to Chicago for a reading conference, so I want to just enjoy my Saturday and relax while enjoying the baby's 2nd birthday.

Back to being constantly amazed...ry LOVES books. I usually have to read her about FOUR books at bedtime, and even after that she says, "mommy, read da book!" and gets mad when we're done. We typically read Green Eggs and Ham, a Tinkerbell book, I Love You Through and Through, and Goodnight Moon. That's a LOT of night night story time!!!

She is so smart also. She's learning colors pretty well (though yellow and blue are her first guesses every time). She can count to 6. She still talks, talks, talks, and now she strings words together into almost complete sentences. Sunday, when Mom was getting ready to take her for a walk, Ey said, "I want Mommy shoes on outside walky, too.". She also likes to make decisions for herself. At night I ask if she wants Jammies or to sleep naked, and she usually chooses naked. In the morning, I (or Terri) ask her what she wants for breakfast and she'll tell you if she wants waffles, nana, juice, etc. she also tells you what she wants now, though I sometimes have to make her stop whining and say the word. Confession--I CANNOT stand whining. In fact, I am prepping to begin instituting some time out if only to put an end to the whining. Regardless, she is so funny and so smart and so observant (and so bossy), and I think that despite all my own personal drama with the divorce and the many many other personal crises I have going on, I think she is turning out wonderfully!!

As always...

I've been doing the single mom thing since November 1 (longer if you consider his absences before that), and I know I have always had a pair of pocket-sized cajones tucked away in my purse somewhere, but recently, I'm watching my femininity wash away to be replaced by this rugged manliness of which I am not a fan.

I started a project a few weeks ago with Terri to paint all the blonde stained trim and doors in my house white. She and I managed the entire downstairs in two days, but last weekend, I decided to tackle the upstairs myself. On day 1, I went to Lowe's...alone (way too manly issue #1). I had to buy more primer and paint trays. The fact that I knew what kind of primer (Terri and I had gotten a lesson from the Lowe's guy the week before) without having to ask = too manly #2, and the fact that I knew where to go in the store = too manly #3. To start the upstairs project, I took all the doors off and carried them downstairs to the garage (#4), where I then rolled them with primer. I taped off the trim upstairs and painted it with primer as well. Terri and kory helped me bring the doors back up that week (because I couldn't hold them and put them back on myself, which I think lets me slide back down the manly scale a bit).

Today, though, was THE WORST. I had to MOW THE GRASS, which if you know me, you know I would rather punch myself in the face repeatedly for three hours straight than have to mow the grass. I put on my big girl pants and rolled the mower out to the yard for the whole neighborhood to see when I pulled the chain-thing and....not a thing happened. I crouched next to the mower to look in the gas tank (#5), it was dry. I grabbed the gas can, shook it, heard a little sloshing and thought surely that would be enough. I take it to the mower, remove the nozzle from the spout of the gas can, and am stunned by this weird piece of plastic across the opening. I pick at it, totally flummoxed by this problem. I push and pull on the spout and soon feel like a moron when I realize you have to pull the spout down to release the contents of the gas can. Who would've thought a gas can could be so complicated? But now that I know that, I'm at manly #6.

Lo and behold, there isn't any gas left in the can, so I throw it in the car and head to the station. On returning, I drag the mower back to the yard, fill it with gas (pulling on the spout to release the contents instead of looking like a caveman), push the little red button to "prime" the mower (thankfully, I can honestly say I still don't know what that means), grab the pull-thingy and let it rip with my arm that is beyond tired from all the painting.........nothing. I try 5 more times before I think everyone is looking out his/her window laughing at my level of suckiness and call my brother to try. He comes down, gives it one pull, and bam, it starts.

Mow, mow, mow....suckage, suckage, suckage.....I need a man.....maybe I'll just pay someone.....I think these thoughts in repeat while I muscle the mower around my yard and do a total hack job of it (#7). Looking down on my yard from my window right now, I'm not sure if it is better now or was better shin high. Shin high at least it looked like some of the other houses in my neighborhood, mowed, it looks like a group of horses went stomping through it in no particular pattern.

There are few times when I think it would be nice to have a man around. I'm all about the strong, independent woman thing, but there are some things I just don't like to do or just don't know how to do (weed whacking, for example!).

Today, I feel like I tucked my woman card away into the deep recesses of my mind and had to play the role of man's man. I am not a fan of that feeling.

Here's some cuteness:

Ever have one of those situations come up that you just get stuck on and you can't figure out the best course of action for moving forward? Yeah, I've got one of those ruts going right now. It's a lose, lose, win situation where no path is really the best path. I could choose to do nothing, which amounts to losing, or I could choose to do something, which amounts to losing a little less.

Where's the pros/cons chart when you need it?

Just applied to be on the wait list for the early childhood daycare program at O hio S tate. Depending on the number of openings, it can take months for a spot to open. The benefit would be that should would be right on campus in a program with a 1:5 teacher:toddler ratio being taught lessons by a certified teacher. The daycare is only for children of people associated with the university and since I started my new job, everyone keeps telling me I've got to get ry enrolled. We'll see what happens; I'm not even for sure it's what I want to do, but I DO want to make sure ry has all the best opportunities in life and this would certainly be a step forward.

I just finished what must have been the longest week ever. Tuesday, I trained 40 or so teachers in giving effective feedback, Wednesday and Thursday, I was invited to serve on a 5-person committee to do some state-level work with the dept of Ed, Friday and today, I was at an ELA conference all day both days. Whew!!! I love all the running!!

I also have to give some mad props to mother nature for the absolutely FANTASTIC winter we had this year. I'll take no snow and intermittent springlike weather every year, please :)

So I thought I'd share some of the neat things rylee does now that she is 22 months old...

She talks, a lot. I don't always understand her, but she's pretty demanding when she wants a certain thing (insert joke about her being like her mommy!). She says tons of words...apple, orange, nana, moo, coat, brush your teeth, scratchy back (scratch my back), brush your hair, mommy help me, yes, no, why (new as of a couple days ago), no way, cry baby face (lol), everyone's names/titles, truck, choo choo, etc. she pretty much repeats/tries to repeat everything I say. Today, I even got her to try saying "mommy is exasperated," and she gave it a pretty good go!

She likes certain foods, but will try about anything. She likes ketchup on everything (including waffles). She asks for the food she wants, unless I'm not giving her an option. She's not the best eater in that she doesn't always eat a lot of food, but I also don't force her to eat and operate under the assumption that she will eat when she's hungry.

She copies everything I do. She follows me throughout the house. If I'm in the "potty," she's in the potty. If I'm doing makeup, she wants makeup. When my alarm goes off, she's immediately in my room. If I'm cleaning, she will help. Today, I was getting together her old clothes and boxing them up, and she brought all the clothes to me to be folded and packed. When I throw clothes down the stairs to do laundry, she gets her clothes and throws them down. She picks up her toys most nights, and she usually carries in a light grocery bag when we go to the store. She's amazingly helpful!

She likes to read and be read to. She doesn't sit still very long, but when she says, "mommy, read a book," or "no, different book," we read.

She's a little bossy (again, not sure where that one comes from!). She just recently started telling me "mommy, you nappy, too!" when I put her to bed at night. When I put her coat on in the mornings, she's says, "mommy, you coat, too!". If I'm eating or drinking, she says, "I want some" or "I have some too." when stopped at a red light in traffic, she says, "mommy, go!"

She's a smart cookie also. She can tell you each person/animal at everyone's house, including Terri's, even though she's only been there once. She can said "a, b, c, d" and "1 , 2, 3," and blue is by far her favorite color to identify and ask for.

She wears 3t shirts and 2t pants.

She's very playful, and a bundle of energy that can wear me down most days. She likes to play "come get me" now, and I like to use her as a bench press (hey, two birds, one stone, you know?).

We've got a nice nighttime routine that works 90% of the time except when I'm rushing her off to bed 10 minutes early because mommy is ready for he alone time.

Let's not pretend she doesn't throw the tantrums of any other two year old, but I think I've watched enough nanny 911 episodes to feel like I handle them pretty well. Actually, since having left the classroom and Nathan's departure, I have the most insane amount of patience, so she gets every bit of my calmness. Plus, I'm as stubborn as she is, so when I ask her to pick up her toys and she looks at me and says, "no way! No! No way!!". She WILL end up picking up the toys, even if I have to calmly place them in her little hand and walk her to the toy box--always giving her lots of cheers once the task (and episode) are done. In public, though, my reaction to the tantrums is a totally different story. They are SO EMBARRASSING!!!! But, I let the flush of purple fill my face while I try to figure out what the freak out is about.

Rylee is, though, a really well-behaved, awesome kid (where's the wood to knock on???). I now enjoy all my time with her.

Edit: i typed this a couple weeks ago and it didnt publish, so here is it:

Tomorrow I am doing my first ever professional development session for a network of schools in Ohio. Sooooo excited to do this kind of work and have this kind of opportunity!! Plus, in really excited to discuss what I'm training about....it's just great to feel like I'm doing something awesome for education. How did I fall into this work?? Well, my education blog is officially up to 7,800 views and has a following of 120 people. How cool is that, right? One of the followers recently commented and asked if I did training sessions--lo and behold, that can be part of my new job. Any trepidation I had about this new job is counterbalanced at my excitement to get out in the field and teach teachers.

Excitement aside, here are some pics of that beautiful baby!

What started on Friday to seem like a long, sad, lonely weekend filled with Riesling and Moscato turned out to be productive and therapeutic.

Terri came down Friday evening (Ry was with her dad this weekend), and after a trip to Wendy's, Lowes, and Tim Horton's for sugar/iced Capp liquid energy, we started painting the downstairs trim and doors in my house. They were this awful blonde color. Saturday, after at least 15 hours of work, 1 coat of primer, 2 coats of paint, many, many bruises, and sore and achy bodies, Terri and I completed the task. You'll have to see below for pics because this app doesn't let me insert throughout the post. Wish I had some befores, but you may be able to scroll back through my blog for those.

Nathan and I received our submitted paperwork today. We haven't been talking a lot recently, more out of a common desire to let hurt feelings pass before we try to be even acquaintances. Again, I can't stress enough how everything that is happening is for the best for everyone involved. Anyhow, as a condition of our dissolution, we have to attend a 4-hour seminar about parenting through a divorce. While I feel incredibly trashy having to give four hours of my life to something clearly intended for people with children older than 22 months, I just want to get it over with. Nathan and I are going together on the 14th, because I also feel less trashy going with someone.

Ry had a good weekend at her grandparents' house (his parents), and she came home happy. She's such a smart kid. Sometimes I can't figure out if she's really smart or really lucky. Like tonight, I pulled out some color flash cards for the first time. We went through a couple colors and she wasn't really getting it, then I held up the blue and asked her what color it was. She very clearly said blue. Again, smart? Or lucky?

Here's a pic of the white in the house and some recent pics of the little lady:

Part of the dissolution agreement obviously included child custody arrangements. Originally, Nathan wanted a 50/50 split with our custody. He wanted to have her alternating weeks, but because a big part of the reason we divorced was his unwillingness to be home, I advocated for more freedom for him. Nathan has always been a wanderer; it's not a bad thing, but he has just never wanted to be tied down.

So, our ultimate agreement looked more similar to what my parents did when they separated when I was younger. One night a week (either tuesday or Thursday depending on if Nathan is on call) and every other weekend, Ry stays at Nathan's house. I have to admit it is nice to have these breaks every now and then. I sometimes use the time for grocery shopping, hardcore cleaning, bits of traveling (have been to Terri's more times since we separated than I have in the few years she's lived that far away!), and working, reading, enjoying a relaxing evening alone.

But weekends like this, where I didn't plan in advance for things to do to keep my time enjoyably filled, are looooooooooooong and boooooooring. I found myself eating way too much crap this weekend, sitting around watching tv movies, and generally wanting to rip my eyeballs out.

The lesson I learned: Always, always, always have a list of to-do's for the weekends when Ry is gone!!!

My next free weekend is the 24th, and while I have some decent plans for the Friday, I need to start working on the Saturday and Sunday so I'm not feeling this crappy again.

So, things have been a little crazy.

In November, I left my classroom to begin my new job (with a nearly doubled salary!) at Ohio State as an English Language Arts content specialist. Having gotten and accepted the job in October had allowed me to make some major (and necessary) life changes to improve the quality of Rylee's life...

Nathan and I had talked many times about getting divorced. There were always a lot of problems, and I would venture to say the problems were magnified by having Miss Rylee. I am not going to go into details; I would never publicly extol the conflicts that occurred, but I will admit that my marriage was over several years ago. I look back on things that I said, warnings I gave, ultimatums I tried to stand by, and I knew (whether Nathan did or not) that things were not good and we were not raising Ry in the best possible environment.

Anyhow, on November 4, Nathan moved out. We made the move as harmless to Ry as possible. He took his things, we divided up belongings that would not disturb her home life, we reached agreement on child support and custody, and I filed for a dissolution in mid-November.

I won't pretend that it has been smooth sailing since, but I will say there is a definite difference in the environment of mine and Ry's home now. It's definitely a change, but I am now happier, healthier, and all the wiser from having lived and learned. This week, we submitted our signed dissolution paperwork, and now we wait for the judge to sign off as well.

I also won't lie and say we're going to be bff's in the future. A lot of anger and resentment embedded itself over the course of 9 years, but we will be amicable for Ry's sake. I'm sure those heated emotions will subside eventually, but I don't see Nathan and I sitting together around a dinner table anytime soon.

My new job is great, but it's a huge change. I'm doing statewide education work now. My education blog has resulted in my being requested to come and run some teacher training sessions, which is truly amazing. I'm able to maintain my blog through work, and I get to go to national conferences.

Outside of work, I am incredibly relaxed. Sadly, I have more free and relaxing time now than I ever had as a wife. I no longer have lesson plans or grading to worry about, so after Ry gots to bed, I have time to run my book club, read leisurely, write in my real journal, and generally take care of myself and my house.

This year, I refused to make a resolution. Last January, I had no idea that 2011 would end the way it did, and at this moment, there are several things hanging loosely in the air that could have a significant impact on my 2012. The only resolution I could/can make is to accept change and to believe that parts of the course of my life are well outside of my humanly realm of control. I believe that all things happen for a reason.

Now let me show you some recent pics of my beautiful baby!!!!