Confessions of a Blogaholic

Last weekend was rough. It was awful; I was lonely; Rylee was gone; her birthday was the 4th. I spent Friday crying on the phone to Terri and going to my mom's for a change in scenery, Saturday going to Terri's to tag along on a Menard's trip, and Saturday evening sitting around chatting with Peggy (my friend in Apple Valley). Sunday, I cleaned and slept and all-around felt sorry for myself and my loneliness. I think that weekend was the first time since Nathan moved out that I actually felt divorced, and it was gross, sad, and totally unbecoming on me. So, I decided to stop saying no. To everything. If I'm invited to do something, no matter how uncomfortable it may make me feel, I going to do it. For instance, Terri's mother-in-law invited me to a theater thing on June 1. I checked my calendar, saw it was a weekend when Ry's at her dad's, and said, "Absolutely, I will absolutely go to that." It is all the way in Wooster, but I've got nothing but time on those weekends. Peggy invited me to an Amish auction--Yup, I'm on board. Then, she invited me to stay the night at her house Friday and Saturday--Sure, sounds fun! Then, she invited me to listen to some band Saturday night--Why not? I refuse to spend any more weekends sitting around feeling sorry for myself, so...plans? Need someone to come along? I'm totally your person. The divorce was finalized on Friday, and I have to say it was bittersweet. I wish I could say we had had moments of reconciliation over the past 7 months, but we haven't. I wish I could say I regret some, all, any of anything that has happened, but I don't. No part of me feels like a failure because my marriage didn't work out--I know I gave it everything I had. No part of me misses what "could have been" or what "might have been," because it simply wasn't, and that's ok, too. What I can say is that I gave 9 years of my life to someone to try and help them become the person they always could have become, and it didn't happen. It didn't work, which is fine, but I refused to give even one more day of my life to something that wasn't changing. Looking forward, now, I don't really care if I find other people to let into my life or not. I've come to terms with the idea that Rylee may be my only child and/or that it may be years before I ever try again. I've come to terms with potentially leaving my house to move elsewhere where Rylee and I can start afresh. I've even come to terms with the potential of never finding anyone good enough. I'm going to be ok; Rylee is going to be ok. On to the next chapter...