Confessions of a Blogaholic

Gotta post quick because the baby is waking from her nap (oh, those blissful moments when I can set aside Mommyhood to work on Teacherdom and Wifeliness).

Dad is in the hospital (again). If you aren't too familiar with me/my situation, my dad and I have basically stopped talking. Right after I graduated high school, he and my mom had a pretty rough divorce (and my mom was SO in the right for divorcing him). My dad has ALWAYS been an alcoholic, but with the freedom of the divorce came an onslaught binge of drinking. So, for the last 10 years, I've probably talked to my dad about a handful of times, and he's been a "bottom of the barrel" type of drunk for that entire period. I should clarify....my dad's sense of normal is waking up to a beer first thing in the morning, working a job that allows him to work when he can and drink all the time, and living in situations that keep him drowning in alcohol (and possibly drugs) at all times of day and night. He's a mess. Seriously.

3 years ago (at the same time when my g-pa died), was the last time my dad had been in the ICU. He was hooked up to a ventilator after a "fall" (which I'm still convinced was truly a baseball bat to the head) and in and out of consciousness for a couple weeks. It was at that time that I found out as the oldest daughter, I am responsible for decisions regarding his medical care. At the time, the doctors told him he had 2 years left to live if he continued drinking and smoking. His lungs and liver are basically shot, he has hep C, MRSA, and a myriad of other deadly conditions (high blood pressure). On top of all that, this "fall" left him with some weird brain damage or something, because afterwards, he couldn't even act like a "normal" (respective to his every other day actions) human being. He was mentally retarded even by his own standards.

Needless to say, despite his own repeated attempts at rehab, my dad continued to drink, and I continued to learn that addiction is a disease--some beat it, and some succumb to it.

This time is much worse. He went to the ER last Tuesday with chest pain and severe detoxing, only to find out that his entire left lung and top half of his right lung are filled with pneumonia. Thursday morning, he was moved up to ICU with a severely low blood pressure that required medicine to raise. He was sedated and put on a ventilator at that time. Saturday and Sunday mornings, they took him off his sedative, but he did not wake up (it's taking a long time to process the meds out because his liver is so effed). Yesterday, they gave him sedatives to give him a CAT (sp?) scan, during which they found that his lungs are incredibly effed and at this point, they don't know whether or not he will be able to breathe on his own again (a combo punch from smoking for so many years and the pneumonia). Hence....the ventilator is serving as his life support. Without it, right now, he would fail to breathe.

My mom got the impression from the doc when she went up Saturday that this is an "If...he lives" situation. Apparently, those were the doctor's exact words ("If he gets out of this this time..."); however, the ICU nurses are giving a more "We don't know..." and "When he wakes up..." impression. But what do they really know half the time??

I'm just hoping for a resolution. Nate says he can't understand why I even care, and the truth is...I care because I know what kind of person he USED to be. He was, after all, truly my dad for the first 17 years of my life. Did he come to any violin concerts? No. Did he come to any football games? No. Did he come to any plays? Maybe one. But, he was still my dad, and he cared about me in the way he knew how. As my friend Allison put it, he "loved to him limit," and did what he was capable of doing. So, yes, of course, I care about what happens to him...

But...he is a shell of the person he used to be, and the realist side of me cannot understand why the hospitals continue to save him just to send him out and let him kill himself again. He will never grasp the magnitude of his actions. If he doesn't die this time, it's only a matter of a brief amount of time.

Among the many books I am read (including Book #1 of the Alex Cross series by Patterson, Book #1 in the Maximum Ride series by Patterson, Gregor the Overlander, Book #2 in the Percy Jackson series, AND Freakonomics), one that has my attention, and inadvertently the attention of this post, is Master Your Metabolism by the all-too famous Jillian Michaels.



In it, Jillian talks about all of the chemical toxins in and around us that throw our hormones off-balance and cause (contribute, I would argue) to our incessant obesity epidemic. Being of the "larger than life" club, myself, I am interested in what Jillian has to say--am I reading in place of exercising? Possibly. But I have thrown 25-30 minute nightly workouts on the elliptical and uncounted repetitions with weights and exercise ball routines into my daily schedules.

Like so many other food-oriented books I've read in recent years (The Omnivore's Dilemma, Fast Food Nation, and In Defense of Food--yes, I am well-versed, and should I add, well-experienced in the area of food), Jillian condemns processed foods, food additives, chemi-foods, etc. Basically, all the things we like in life--Bad, Bad, Bad.

I do not tend to eat a whole lot of processed foods, in all reality. We do, though, eat a lot of chicken and ground turkey. We eat lots of vegetables and whole grains as well. I can't remember the last time I had an Oreo or boxed Mac & Cheese. Nor can I remember the last time we ate anything from a can or even shopped those "middle aisles" of the grocery store. I don't eat fast food more than once every couple of weeks, I eat breakfast every morning (oatmeal, toast with apple butter, banana), I pack lunches every day for work (yogurt, natural apple sauce, Lean Pocket), and when we go out to dinner, I get a salad. In my opinion, I eat healthy. Also, in my opinion, I don't eat that much.

Being that I've only just started guaranteeing myself a nightly workout, I can't say, "I don't know why I'm so fat!" Because I haven't been working out long enough to see any benefits. That being said, in the past, I have BUSTED MY ASS to lose weight for extended periods of time and never saw the results I wanted. When I was in Army ROTC at Xa.vier, I worked out every single day beginning at 5am with my battalion, worked out in the evenings with my suitemates, and dieted ALL DAY EVERY DAY, but never got below 170.

Now, I should clarify...I'm not working out now to lose weight. I could care less about that any more. I have a husband and a kid, I don't need to work on my appearance for anything important. I am working out to try and manage my stress and workload. I'm working out to sleep better at night instead of tossing and turning all night long. Most importantly, I'm working out to have some alone time while Nate watches the baby. I work out because it makes me feel good rather than stressed out.

I'm starting to think maybe there is some truth to what Jillian (and so many others!) are saying. Maybe my hormones are all out of whack because they are under attack by all the chemicals in our foods, cleaners, tupperware containers, etc. Maybe there is a problem with my thyroid? Maybe my inability to lose during ROTC was a hormone imbalance? Maybe I'm unintentionally predisposing Rylee to obesity by exposing her to all the chemi-food nonsense. I don't know.

I don't think I can be a "green" mom. I don't think I have the time in my already overloaded schedule to do the necessary research to go "green" in every area of my life. I don't think I have the energy to put in to going to farmer's markets for vegetables, obsessively comparing food labels, paying so much more for free-range, organic, etc. meats (see, I don't even know the difference!). I do, though, think it's important to set a good example for my kid. It would be great to have a list of pre-researched "ok" foods, cleaners, etc. so that I wouldn't have to put forth all that extra effort! If I can give Ry a step-up in the right direction as far as nutrition and healthy living are concerned, I'd love to be able to do that. I'd love for her to avoid being called "Thunder Thighs" in 8th grade gym class :/ And to avoid being called "The Fat Cheerleader". I'd love for her risks of cancer to already be diminished because she chooses to avoid "bad" foods.

Small steps. At least I'm making it a point to work out daily.

I just saw that my last post was OCTOBER 27!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe it!!!!

I have a confession, though. I'm tired of the internet. Literally, I am internetted out. The endless droning of complaints and whining on Fac.ebook have led me to hide approximately 90% of my "friends," I'm no longer interested in online news (I don't have the time for it), and I've made it my mission to stay far, far away from my work email when I'm at home. I think I open my computer once a week or so and spend the rest of my time pursuing more purposeful pleasures, lol.

"What are these purposeful pleasures?" I hear you asking yourselves (all 3 of you).

First, my Noo.k. We bought one a few weeks ago, and I have become a reading MACHINE. While Ry whittles away on her neverending vat of toys, I lay back on her bean bag and read, read, read. Three things I LOVE about the Noo.k. I can sample pretty much any book before I read it, and some samples are like 50-60 pages long. Ah-mazing! Plenty of time to decide I hate a book. Second, I love that you can download digital books from the library (which you apparently cannot do on the Kin.dle). That has given me access to so many books--and I don't have to buy them! Three, every Friday, B&N gives away free books. This past Friday, I got Gulliver's Travels for free. What I've read/am reading: Percy Jackson and the Olympians Series, American Rust, The Kindly Ones, Chelsea Handler's books, Mockingjay (finally), and Gregor the Overlander (a second series by Suzanne Collins, author of The Hunger Games series). My Noo.k has made books so much more available to me, and I love finally being able to read.

Whoops! Baby woke up, will continue this afternoon (hopefully)

*Down for a second nap, post continued...*

Other than reading (and the obvious parenting business, which I'll mention in a moment), I've been keeping very busy with work. I'm the building lead for this huge project/initiative/district overhaul we are working through right now. On the positive side, I love doing it. I am completely interested in all the training, the decision-making, the afterschool webinars and commitments, and the loads of additional education-oriented reading I am doing. Also, this whole experience and the next 5 or so years of implementation will look FANTASTIC when I go to apply for a doctoral program. On the not-so-positive side, I'm not getting paid any extra for all my efforts. But that's the nature of the education beast...we all bust our butts for free just to hear taxpayers complain about how much money we make.

Parenting....The little lady is keeping me MORE than busy. Chasing her around, fighting for naptime, run, run, run, go, go, go. I can't wait to have more of her around.

Posing with a teddy bear.


Loving her mommy (mid-cough)


And cheesin' like the adorable baby cake she is turning into!

You are still in my thoughts. I loved both of you more than I ever could have put into words, which is a lot to say for someone who seems to have such a large vocabulary. When I'm alone, in those rare moments that I am alone, I frequently find myself thinking about you and wishing you were here. I find myself still crying over the great-grandparents Rylee will never have, the conversations we'll never have again, the dinners at Hometown that will never happen, the phone calls I'll never be able to place, the accomplishments I'll never be able to tell you about, the advice I'll never receive, the games of Jeopardy and Spin the Wheel that I'll never be able to compete against you on, the pictures that will never be taken, the smiles I'll never see. My heart still hurts when I think about all the "what used to be's" and the "what could have been's."

I miss waving at you from a few hundred yards away, waiting at your house to catch the bus in the morning, looking in the windshields of the school buses and wondering if you are driving (something I still do involuntarily), smelling the food you were cooking in your kitchen, microwaved, frozen donuts on Sunday mornings on our way to Sunday School after spending the nights on Saturdays.

It's funny...I even miss the little, tiny details about both of you--Mammaw, the way your incredibly blue eyes (that Mom, I, and Rylee ALL have!) when you were happy, the way you talked when you took your dentures out in the evenings, the house slippers you always wore, the way you said "hello" which sounded more like a "ya-ellow" when you answered the phone, how you would read Women's Day magazines in bed when we stayed over, "Oh, piddles," your neat, precise handwriting, the way the skin on your hands looked when I pulled on it during Sunday School, the mints you always had in your purse, how SLOW you ate food :) Pappaw, the way you used to smile with those 4, then 3, then 0 teeth, the glasses you always carried in your shirt pocket, how you would ask me to spell a word--the way you beat me at Jeopardy every time, the way you said "Christine" and "Hey girl!" when I walked in the door, the way you used to warn "You have to finish high school and don't get pregnant!", your potato pancakes, mixing Orange Drink and Sunny-D, mixing peanut butter and butter, when you would walk down the dead-end street and look up at the trees, the fact that you used that pocket knife for EVERYTHING (skin an animal, cut an apple, open a letter--whatever), how you called me a fish when I swam, that you couldn't keep a secret when you came to pick me up at Xavier knowing I had a car waiting at home.

You guys were more fantastic than I will ever be able to explain...And let me tell you, you would LOVE Rylee. She's funny, has a sense of humor, the funniest giggle, the brightest blue eyes. She's persistent (she'll spend 20 minutes on the floor trying to figure out how to crawl), independent. She will never know what she missed out on.

I miss you both. Love you!

First, a couple pictures.

Here we are about a month ago at a park for Rylee's first EVER swing experience. She loved it (though I was peeing my pants!)



I can't believe it, but this was about two months ago. She is growing too, too fast!



Nathan and I carved pumpkins this year for the first time in 8 years. Note the expression on his pumpkin.



Here's Ry at the pumpkin patch yesterday. Who knew hay looked so appetizing to babies?



Ry sits very well on her own now. I have a couple pictures on my phone I'll have to upload soon. She sits until she chooses to flop over on her belly. She also crawls, somewhat. She puts her head on the floor, walks her legs toward her head, then scoots her face on the ground. She gets into a very ready crawling position (hands and knees), but her arms just won't move for her. It won't be long until we have a mobile baby.

As far as food goes, I am still breastfeeding (which honestly feels like a significant feat because pumping during my conference and lunch periods is sometimes a hassle), but she has also been eating solids for about a month. I homemade a bunch of food--not because we don't have the money to buy the regular food, but because I thought it would be fun to try. Mom has come over a couple times and we've made big batches of sweet potatoes, carrots, squash, peas, and green beans. Ry loves anything that ISN'T green, lol.

In other news, I've joined some pretty ambitious committees at work, which are taking up a lot of time, but I'm not going to complain because I actually enjoy learning about the various initiatives in which I am involved. I have met with my advisor for my curriculum license, which I will have finished by next December, and I've finally found a nice routine, which, when not interrupted by an early-rising baby, affords me a few minutes of peace and quiet, though I have to get up at 5 to get it!

We've done SOO MANY improvements to the house including all new light fixtures on the first floor, very nice dining room furniture (90" long table that seats 8 and a buffet/server!), new fixtures on kitchen cabinets, refinished the blonde mantel to a dark cherry, shelves on the accent wall in the living room, pictures/decor in living room, paint in dining room, curtains in lieu of vertical blinds on big glass back doors--Whew!! We've really been moving on these improvements, but the house really feels like home. I'll certainly be getting some pics up of all that at some point. We absolutely love our house, and it feels more and more like home every day.

I always wondered if people ever reached that moment in life when they truly felt like everything was right, and now I know that moment DOES exist and can last, and last, and last.

I haven't been around much. In fact, I haven't been online much at all. Listening to and dealing with so many other people's issues and hearing their drama always felt like it was bringing me down. (I should say there are some people whose drama and life issues I DO care DEEPLY about, though!) So, I've stayed away. I also haven't had even a moment of time to waste hanging out on the internet, lol. We run, run, run all week and spend the weekends working on the house, hanging out as a family, painting rooms, sitting out by the fire pit (or fireplace now!).

I have to tell you....I have never felt more purposeful, more loved, more a part of the world, more successful, or generally happier than I do now. I am so content. I am so fulfilled. I feel like I'm living up to my purpose in life. At school, I live one part of my life--caring about the kids, loving what I do, teaching them things they need to survive and be productive. At home, I live the other part of my life--taking care of my family, developing this tag-team relationship with Nathan, managing and balancing all the many hats I now wear. I love it all. I love feeling like I'm living the life I'm supposed to live.

I finally feel complete--a whole person. Can't wait for more little ones to roam the homestead :)

Hey all. I'm still around. I'm swimming still, but it's more like a doggy-paddle than a full-on stroke. I know millions of teachers have done this whole work and child thing before me, but I'm still completely perplexed at how they manage it. I feel like I run at full steam ahead from sun up until sun down with hardly enough time to breathe.

I'm trying to work in some kind of exercise plan. Not because of weight or anything (although that is important), but moreso because I need the energy to keep up. I know working out will help keep me energized and feeling good, and if I have to go, go, go every day, all day, then I might as well do what I can to keep myself feeling good.

I've already had to give up dairy. Not because I WANT to (trust me, cheese is one of my favorite condiments, lol), but because my digestive system decided I HAVE to do so (boo to my body parts!). I have a not-so-fun exploratory "procedure" in regions I'd rather not admit to having in a couple weeks because of an issue I've dealt with on a constant basis since I was 16 and have been too embarrassed to ever have addressed. I don't think I can be any more vague, lol.

Not having dairy since mid-August has been...odd. I love cheese, and I definitely love a big ol' glass of moo juice first thing in the morning (not to mention ice cream, yogurt, etc.). It's very odd to have to think critically about what I want to eat and to make a conscious effort to say "No cheese" all the time. Ugh. But, it seems to be helping this decade-long issue I've had, and that's fantastic.

Someone is about to be 27 in a couple weeks. One year closer to 30, whoo hoo!

I'll update again when I've dug myself out of the grading hole I've fallen into.