Confessions of a Blogaholic

Tonight, my B.O.E. decided to enforce the "RIF" of my HS principal, move around the remaining principals, and give a new, inexperienced principal a position.

Recently, my union decided to freeze our steps for a year despite the fact that our base salary is in the lowest percentile in the state and we have only had a 1.5% raise in the last 5 years. Additionally, we pay 30% of our insurance premium (cadillac plan my boo-tay).

A board member, as a result of the decisions tonight, resigned.

My district is on a slippery slope, heading downhill fast, and I feel like I'm putting every bit of extra energy I have into trying to save it to no avail. I've picked up that building rep position to try a "be the change you want to see in people." Meaning, I want people to be more active and to care, so I am more active and caring. I'm working through so much curriculum stuff because I want to make the school better, even though we consistently rank "excellent" on our state report card. I care and care and care and do and do and do, and I'm not sure it has the desired effect.

So...I'm reaching a crossroads this year. This is my 4th year at my current school and my 5th year in education, making me a mid-career teacher--can you believe that? 4+ years makes you "mid-range". I'm also nearing the end of my 2-year contract and getting ready to take on my 5-year contract. I'm at the point of no return--do I stay on at N. or do I move on before I'm too expensive to go elsewhere?

Honestly, I don't know what to do. I'm not used to being in a school where so few people care about what happens to the school as a whole. I'm used to G., my alma mater, where school spirit poured out of the walls. I miss that feeling. What the school lacks in spirit and support, though, they make up in opportunity. I've been able to take on so many leadership roles because there is such a small staff (not to mention the fact that nobody else takes the roles, lol). I've also committed to things that I want to see through to the end (like the work I've done to implement RtI), but I don't know if my commitment to these initiatives is enough to make me feel better about my environment. I also have a lot of freedom at a smaller school--I teach what I want, essentially. I work with a great "department" (all 4 of us!), who gets along, collaborates, talks about English stuff, but I miss the community vibe that goes along with working in a big school. I don't get the staff parties or going out after a tough day.

I know, in my heart, that I am meant to eventually do something with policy and curriculum. I know this because I came to the realization this summer, when I was doing all this research and work and studying curriculum theory and the CCSS and all the state regulations and educational history, that I enjoy doing this kind of work. I want to be the person at ODE who studies federal and state laws and creates curricular materials based on them. I want to be a curriculum consultant and teach people how to interpret requirements. What I don't know is what path I need to take to reach this ultimate career goal. I feel like there's a pressure on me now to be molded into the curriculum coordinator position at N., but I don't know that I want that kind of position in that kind of environment. I also don't know if the trade-offs (mobile classroom, more restrictions, a set curriculum, more money etc.) are enough to make a bigger school district a better option for me.

What I do know is that actual teaching is starting to feel like my "second job" beneath being a professional student and studier of education theory and methodology. It's almost as if I moreso prefer to study the theory and methods and help other people figure out how to do them than I prefer to make them happen in my own classroom. It's like I'm losing my love for teaching; don't get me wrong, though, I still love teaching, but if given the option to either 1) work on lesson plans, or 2) work on reading articles at ASCD and books by educational theorists, I'm more likely to choose 2.

I don't like feeling like I'm part of a community that doesn't support its school system. If I leave, though, I'm not "being the change I want to see in others," I'm being a part of the problem at N. If I stay, though, I alone am not doing anything to bring about a solution to the problem either. I don't know what to do; I don't know what I'm meant to do.