Confessions of a Blogaholic

You are still in my thoughts. I loved both of you more than I ever could have put into words, which is a lot to say for someone who seems to have such a large vocabulary. When I'm alone, in those rare moments that I am alone, I frequently find myself thinking about you and wishing you were here. I find myself still crying over the great-grandparents Rylee will never have, the conversations we'll never have again, the dinners at Hometown that will never happen, the phone calls I'll never be able to place, the accomplishments I'll never be able to tell you about, the advice I'll never receive, the games of Jeopardy and Spin the Wheel that I'll never be able to compete against you on, the pictures that will never be taken, the smiles I'll never see. My heart still hurts when I think about all the "what used to be's" and the "what could have been's."

I miss waving at you from a few hundred yards away, waiting at your house to catch the bus in the morning, looking in the windshields of the school buses and wondering if you are driving (something I still do involuntarily), smelling the food you were cooking in your kitchen, microwaved, frozen donuts on Sunday mornings on our way to Sunday School after spending the nights on Saturdays.

It's funny...I even miss the little, tiny details about both of you--Mammaw, the way your incredibly blue eyes (that Mom, I, and Rylee ALL have!) when you were happy, the way you talked when you took your dentures out in the evenings, the house slippers you always wore, the way you said "hello" which sounded more like a "ya-ellow" when you answered the phone, how you would read Women's Day magazines in bed when we stayed over, "Oh, piddles," your neat, precise handwriting, the way the skin on your hands looked when I pulled on it during Sunday School, the mints you always had in your purse, how SLOW you ate food :) Pappaw, the way you used to smile with those 4, then 3, then 0 teeth, the glasses you always carried in your shirt pocket, how you would ask me to spell a word--the way you beat me at Jeopardy every time, the way you said "Christine" and "Hey girl!" when I walked in the door, the way you used to warn "You have to finish high school and don't get pregnant!", your potato pancakes, mixing Orange Drink and Sunny-D, mixing peanut butter and butter, when you would walk down the dead-end street and look up at the trees, the fact that you used that pocket knife for EVERYTHING (skin an animal, cut an apple, open a letter--whatever), how you called me a fish when I swam, that you couldn't keep a secret when you came to pick me up at Xavier knowing I had a car waiting at home.

You guys were more fantastic than I will ever be able to explain...And let me tell you, you would LOVE Rylee. She's funny, has a sense of humor, the funniest giggle, the brightest blue eyes. She's persistent (she'll spend 20 minutes on the floor trying to figure out how to crawl), independent. She will never know what she missed out on.

I miss you both. Love you!

First, a couple pictures.

Here we are about a month ago at a park for Rylee's first EVER swing experience. She loved it (though I was peeing my pants!)



I can't believe it, but this was about two months ago. She is growing too, too fast!



Nathan and I carved pumpkins this year for the first time in 8 years. Note the expression on his pumpkin.



Here's Ry at the pumpkin patch yesterday. Who knew hay looked so appetizing to babies?



Ry sits very well on her own now. I have a couple pictures on my phone I'll have to upload soon. She sits until she chooses to flop over on her belly. She also crawls, somewhat. She puts her head on the floor, walks her legs toward her head, then scoots her face on the ground. She gets into a very ready crawling position (hands and knees), but her arms just won't move for her. It won't be long until we have a mobile baby.

As far as food goes, I am still breastfeeding (which honestly feels like a significant feat because pumping during my conference and lunch periods is sometimes a hassle), but she has also been eating solids for about a month. I homemade a bunch of food--not because we don't have the money to buy the regular food, but because I thought it would be fun to try. Mom has come over a couple times and we've made big batches of sweet potatoes, carrots, squash, peas, and green beans. Ry loves anything that ISN'T green, lol.

In other news, I've joined some pretty ambitious committees at work, which are taking up a lot of time, but I'm not going to complain because I actually enjoy learning about the various initiatives in which I am involved. I have met with my advisor for my curriculum license, which I will have finished by next December, and I've finally found a nice routine, which, when not interrupted by an early-rising baby, affords me a few minutes of peace and quiet, though I have to get up at 5 to get it!

We've done SOO MANY improvements to the house including all new light fixtures on the first floor, very nice dining room furniture (90" long table that seats 8 and a buffet/server!), new fixtures on kitchen cabinets, refinished the blonde mantel to a dark cherry, shelves on the accent wall in the living room, pictures/decor in living room, paint in dining room, curtains in lieu of vertical blinds on big glass back doors--Whew!! We've really been moving on these improvements, but the house really feels like home. I'll certainly be getting some pics up of all that at some point. We absolutely love our house, and it feels more and more like home every day.

I always wondered if people ever reached that moment in life when they truly felt like everything was right, and now I know that moment DOES exist and can last, and last, and last.

I haven't been around much. In fact, I haven't been online much at all. Listening to and dealing with so many other people's issues and hearing their drama always felt like it was bringing me down. (I should say there are some people whose drama and life issues I DO care DEEPLY about, though!) So, I've stayed away. I also haven't had even a moment of time to waste hanging out on the internet, lol. We run, run, run all week and spend the weekends working on the house, hanging out as a family, painting rooms, sitting out by the fire pit (or fireplace now!).

I have to tell you....I have never felt more purposeful, more loved, more a part of the world, more successful, or generally happier than I do now. I am so content. I am so fulfilled. I feel like I'm living up to my purpose in life. At school, I live one part of my life--caring about the kids, loving what I do, teaching them things they need to survive and be productive. At home, I live the other part of my life--taking care of my family, developing this tag-team relationship with Nathan, managing and balancing all the many hats I now wear. I love it all. I love feeling like I'm living the life I'm supposed to live.

I finally feel complete--a whole person. Can't wait for more little ones to roam the homestead :)