Confessions of a Blogaholic

Obsessive Compulsive

I have always been obsessive compulsive about certain things: paperwork must be neat (no white-out, no illegibility), each object has its place (measuring cups go in the "measuring item" tupperware container), order, logicality, correct use of "their, there, they're" and "to, too, two," having a clean chalkboard in my classroom. Cross T's. Dot I's. Control. Control. Control.



I would love to quit being so anal, feeling controlled by my need to control. I would love to relax, understand that my way isn't necessarily the ONLY way. I would love to feel as though I can relinquish some control. I would really love to feel as if chaos is acceptable, wonderful, and appreciable.



Yeah, right.

I'd give every bit of the money to a school or a couple of schools in need. I'd update their technologies, make sure they had appropriate textbooks, fix any cosmetic and structural deficiencies, and give the kids what they need to be competitive. A million dollars would be only a drop in the bucket compared to what some of these schools need.

I had my CD13 ultrasound today, and, unfortunately, the follicles weren't mature enough to trigger for O yet. Boo!

I had one dominant follie of 1.45cm in the left ovary, which is the same ovary I always have cramps in on Clomid. So, the left ovary it will be when I DO get to trigger. I have several other smaller follies of about 1.10cm and 1.02cm. I need a follie to get to about 1.8 before the RE will give me the trigger. Apparently, they should grow about .15cm each day, and I should be ready to go on Thursday. That is provided everything goes according to plan and grows as it should. That big follie, though, IS the one that will come out when I do O, so it's neat to think I already saw my potential baby before it even has the DNA to be a baby.

Here's a pic for you non-IF people to help you understand what I'm talkin' about:


Keep those fingers crossed that the follie grows big enough! If I get to trigger Thursday, I MIGHT still get a 2009 baby, with a due date around December 27--uh oh, shootin' for X-Mas!!! Or maybe I'll be that "first baby of the year" lady, lol.

I never realized how LONG it was until I grew up!

Nathan turns 25 on Sunday, exactly 6 months to the day after my 25th birthday. We've been married a year and a half, living together since December 2002, and together since September 29, 2002.



I can't help but to think how lucky I am to have truly married my best friend. To this day, I still get butterflies when he kisses me forehead; I get all tingly when he tells me I look good; I beam with happiness when he surprises me with flowers or a clean house. And, to this day, he still does all the wonderful things he did when he was wooing me: he buys me flowers at least once a month, cleans every now and then, cooks, surprises me with car washes, takes the trash out, tells me he loves me every time we're on the phone, and at least once a day, he still looks at me as if he is utterly infatuated with me. I love all these things about him.

We've made it through so much crap together, and he is such a wonderful person. I am seriously lucky!!

It just hit me that if all goes well with my current medicated cycle, I could, technically speaking, be two weeks pregnant by the end of next week. (**Insert girly giggle here**) I just have to hold on and hope everything goes as it should.

I feel so guilty because I had to drop my commitment to our school play :( Luckily, the head director has a lot of other people to help her, so it's not like my responsibilities were huge or anything. I just feel bad for having to back out of something I offered to assist. However, in my defense, when I made my offer, I definitely didn't know that I would be hopped up on hormones a month later.

Fingers crossed!

It doesn't seem to surprise me anymore to catch students cheating on essays and research papers. It's unbelievably easy to catch, and I try to express to my kids that I WILL catch them--it may not be this paper or the next, but if you are cheating on papers, I will eventually catch you. And yet, they don't believe me.

On one essay I assigned last quarter (a persuasive, informal essay--something I THOUGHT would be fun to write), I caught four students who literally copied and pasted word-for-word text from websites. It's not hard to figure out that someone who can't correctly use "their, there, and they're" is probably plagiarizing a paper in which they frequently use the words "Zeitgeist" or "methodology." It's disappointing that they think I'm too stupid and/or unwilling to do the simple google search that will produce their entire paper.

So, no, I'm not surprised by cheating. I almost get a sick joy out of catching kids and giving them zeros. After all, if they would USE the exorbitant amounts of time I give them IN CLASS to do the work, they wouldn't need to cheat in the first place!!

What I do find surprising is my reaction to the cheating at this point in the year...I have several students failing, and failing MISERABLY with grades like 12.6% and 24.3%. So much of my class is based on completion credit that to get this insanely low scores, one would have to be TRYING to not do anything. As I'm grading the papers of these individuals, I may get the sneaking suspicion that plagiarism is happening, and I think to myself, "Do I catch them and give them a zero? Or do I ignore it and give them a D? At least they turned SOMETHING in."

Then I remind myself that I am a hard-ass teacher. I'm the one who KNOWS which students are missing assignments. I'm the one who sends their behinds to detentions to get the work completed, and I'm the one who MAKES SURE they go to these lunch detentions. I've set a precedent for myself as THAT TEACHER, and NOT calling them out on their cheating makes me look bad.

So, I give them a zero, highlight all the copied info, and send them to the principal.

Sometimes, I want to look at people and say,

"It isn't your comment that saddens me, it is the ignorance behind that comment that does."

I frequent a local news site to see how my school is fairing in the public relations department, and I am completely appalled at some of the things I read on that site. Writing as cryptically as possible (to avoid possible repercussions), I am appalled that people would overlook our outstanding graduation rate to complain about an administration from over five years ago. I am appalled that our building's academic achievements and "excellent" state rating, despite our financial disadvantages, are overlooked to complain about how "much" our teachers are paid. I am even moreso appalled that the people who complain the most and are the most verbal with their insults tend to know so little about both the school AND its financial situation.

Ignorance is not bliss; it is the absence of compassion.

Support our schools! Support YOUR future!

All is clear!!

I do not have cancer, nor do I have endometrial hyperplasia. I do, though, have a pretty extreme hormonal imbalance and my testosterone levels are on the high-normal side. (Insert petty joke about my manliness here!)

I will forever have to monitor my cycles, though, because I am at a higher risk for uterine cancer. The doc said I could regulate after a delivery, but if I don't, I will need some form of induced cycles to make sure my lining doesn't build up again.

Now, I'm on Provera to start another cycle (after just coming off having AF for 25 days!!!), then Clomid 100 mg for 5 days, a mid-cycle ultrasound to check follicular growth, and a trigger shot to force out an egg (or two??).

FINALLY! We're on the way!!!

I get my biopsy results today, and as the minutes and hours tick by, I become increasingly nervous and more sick to my stomach.

I had a dream last night that I went to this appointment and they had me POAS before talking to Dr. M. While waiting in Dr. M's office for the test results, the nurse bursts in and says, "Guess what? You're already pregnant! We don't have to do anything else now! Congratulations!!!"

I'm sure that's beyond wishful thinking, lol.