Confessions of a Blogaholic

Today, I had my mid-cycle u/s. I was lucky to get it, though, because there was a scheduling error and they didn't have my appointment in their system!! As I was walking in the door, the doctor was walking out. He saw me, said, "Are you coming to see me?" I said yes, and he said, "Come on back." In the fastest u/s I've ever had, I found out I have two beautiful follicles of 14mm, one on each side. He said when I come back on Saturday, I'll be all set to trigger. I asked, "Are they both going to come out?" He said, "Yes. Are you going to be ok with the possibility of twins?" Of course I said, "YES!!!"

If nothing else, I have twice the chance of getting a singleton pregnancy this time around. Now, I just have to wait...

I started my period tonight. There will be no news of pregnancy in April.

I cannot tell you how crushed I am. I cannot tell you how upset it makes me to be so out of control. I would never wish this feeling on anyone. To have the one thing I want seem so far out of my reach is miserable.

Kristen, I don't know how you've been through what you've been through.

Today, I am technically 9dpo (days past ovulation) until 10pm tonight. I thought yesterday was 9dpo, but it was actually 10dpt (days past trigger).

Regardless, I started testing yesterday and got my first Big Fat Negative (bfn). This was the negative I was hoping for, because it means the trigger is now completely out of my system--I needed to see that negative before any positive could be reliable. I tested again this morning only to see another negative. Granted, I definitely knew it was too early, but I thought maybe it would show a faint positive. Then, on the ride home from school, I spent about 25 minutes talking myself out of POAS when I got home ('it's not even your fmu anymore!' 'You're just going to disappoint yourself.' 'But wouldn't it be cool if it was positive and you could take a picture of it with your phone and send it to Nathan while he's at work???'). Of course, that didn't work, and I ended up testing again when I got home.

I am fighting the urge already to stop myself from jumping up in the morning and testing again. At this rate, I'll be out of tests by Wednesday, lol. But I sooo want to see those two lines or that "pregnant" as soon as humanly possible, and plenty of research says it's feasible by 10dpo. I know so much about HCG levels in early pregnancy and the most reliable tests and how much HCG each various test brand can detect...all this knowledge in an attempt to make that test positive.

In all honesty...I've got myself so set on getting a positive this week that I'm not sure what I'll do if I get bfn's all week. So far, I've seen 3 bfn's, and each one makes me feel just a little more disappointed--yes, yes, I know it is still SOOOOO EARLY.

This has officially been the most difficult 11 days of my life as far as my patience has been concerned.

That's right, I got my HCG trigger shot. As I type, a 2cm follicle is prepping to leave my ovary and make its way to babydom. In two weeks and two days, I will know if I'm ktfu! How exciting!

The cutest part was calling my hubs and hearing how excited HE WAS about the trigger. I said, "Guess what? I triggered this time!" He said, "You did? Oh my God! That's awesome!!!" He was giggling with excitement--and for a man who never shows his emotion, giggling with excitement means he was really really excited.

Baby here we come!

In other news, my principal told me I am a fantastic teacher today. I went in to ask a question, and as I was leaving, he said, "Hank, come back here a minute. I just wanted to tell you that you are a fantastic teacher. I meant that. You are a really great teacher." I felt so flattered.

I get my biopsy results today, and as the minutes and hours tick by, I become increasingly nervous and more sick to my stomach.

I had a dream last night that I went to this appointment and they had me POAS before talking to Dr. M. While waiting in Dr. M's office for the test results, the nurse bursts in and says, "Guess what? You're already pregnant! We don't have to do anything else now! Congratulations!!!"

I'm sure that's beyond wishful thinking, lol.

I like to think I have a high tolerance for pain. The tattoo on my foot was two hours of swollen skin and a needle irritating ever last nerve in my body, but I held fast throughout the session. I thought that would be the ultimate pain in my life and that I would never have to experience anything close to that (other than childbirth, obviously).

But my biopsy takes the cake as the most painful experience in my life, and it was only about 5 minutes long. I'd love to explain all the gory, bloody (literally) details, but let's just leave it at this--it felt like someone had a cotton swab deep inside my body and they were using it to try and tunnel through my skin. Pressure like a S.O.B. All for the tiniest of endometrium samples. Definitely not something I would recommend to anyone.

I will get the results at my 30-45 minute appointment on Monday, March 9. Nathan will be going with me to this meeting, and I hope to get some good news! Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts.

In related news, a co-worker told me today that she is pregnant and due August 14th. I put on my happy face and gave her the best "congratulations" I could muster while feeling my uterus twinge with a jealousy from the depths of my soul. Really, I'm happy for her...just increasingly angry with myself.

The kids drove me nuts today. I absolutely felt like I was dragging them through the mud, and every time I heard, "What are we supposed to be doing?" I thought about gouging my eyeballs out.

I've been sort of dreading tomorrow for the last week, but I've also been looking forward to it because I'll soon have my answers and I won't have to stress out any more.

Because I am currently on CD12 of a VERY HEAVY AF, I'm worried that he won't be able to get enough of a sample from the lining. From what I've read online, the RE will send the results of the biopsy to a pathologist, who will then determine whether or not the sample is sufficient enough. If not, I will have to go in for a d&c to get a larger sample. Judging by the severity of AF these past two weeks, it would be a wonder to me if there is anything left for him to sample.

I slept from 2am last night until 5:35 pm today, and I'm blaming it all on exhaustion.

SO...fingers crossed I'll remember to do all the things I have to do tomorrow (take 2 zithromax in morning, call Nathan to find out if work let him off, call Mom to confirm need for her to go, take 4 ibuprofen one hour before procedure, remember directions to RE's office from work) and that the procedure will go over well and we'll soon get good results!

My secret obsession with Kings of Leon started a couple (?) years ago when that movie Disturbia with Shia LeBouf (another secret obsession) came out. There was a song by them in the soundtrack and I fell deeply in love with them. The soulful, scratchy voice of the lead singer makes me want to crawl in the tub alone in a darkened bathroom with a cold beer and a lit candle. I love music that moves me to an emotion. Poetry has never spoke to me, but the actual sound of a song paired with "groovy" (for lack of a better word) lyrics can alter my sentiments in mere seconds.

My emotions have been rather stagnant since Monday. While I'm trying not to dwell on the doctor's appointment or the upcoming biopsy, I'm having a difficult time finding other things on which to concentrate. Luckily, my love for my job keeps me fulfilled and satisfied for 7.5 hours a day, distracting me from my otherwise saddening fixation.

I did go an talk to my g-ma tonight. Thank God for g-mas; they always know the right words to say at the exactly right times. I told her I am more worried about my mom than myself; regardless of the outcome, I can almost guarantee my mom is already a mess inside with this whole situation. She takes the weight of the world on her shoulders, and I almost regret not waiting to tell her until I found out the results myself. She will probably worry herself to death over the next couple of weeks--she already hand-delivered a beautiful bouquet of roses as a token of her utter devastation and concern for me. I told my g-ma how worried and scared I am; she, of all people, can understand because she went through similar stuff herself and with my g-pa. She said, "Christina, there is nothing you can change now. Whatever is in you--or NOT in you--is already there. It's not going anywhere, and there's nothing you can do about it. Now, you just find out the results and handle them however you can." Ahh....g-mas always bring the peace.

At one point, I mentioned to g-ma feeling all alone because no one in my family has a history with any of this. I said, "I just wish I knew of someone who had to take some sort of hormones for this same issue," and she says, "Well, now, I had to take estrogen to help me out in my 30's." I looked at her, laughed, and said, "Now, Mammaw, don't you think you could've told me that a couple weeks ago when I was asking you about your medical history???"

I was elated tonight to see a response to my "RP: Endometrial Hyperplasia" post on an infertility board I frequent. While I hate that someone else has to deal with such a disease, I was thankful to find SOMEONE out there. I was so excited that I couldn't wait to email her and find out more about her experiences. She is 39 (from her profile), which still leaves be with a ton of questions because I've googled and googled and googled and have yet to find anyone my age with this sort of diagnosis.

Everyone has been so helpful. Even though a lot of you can't post comments because you don't have a profile, I deeply appreciate the support I've gotten. I feel like all I can think about is this situation right now, and I'm getting so tired of hearing myself say "biopsy." But you're all just listening patiently and offering any help I might need (although I still wish Alexis would go do the biopsy for me!!). I don't know what to tell you to say to make it better, I don't know what I need from you to make it seem like a smaller issue, but listening to me whine on and on about it is good enough. And, if you've made it this far, you're already giving me all you can.

Monday is the RE appointment. This week seems to be passing so slowly; apparently I am looking forward to this appointment more than I ever believed.

Unfortunately, AF decided to stop in for her random visit today (CD47), and she's back with a VENGEANCE. I was incredibly upset when it happened--worried that the RE will tell me it's too late to do anything this cycle, that I'll have to wait ANOTHER 60 days and see if AF ever revisits. All of this wasting more time.

I'm hoping there's an alternative to Clomid for this cycle, especially since it will be too late to start Clomid when the appointment comes around. Maybe some sort of trigger shot to induce O around the time when it should happen? Some other sort of med that can be take after AF? I'm trying to stay optimistic and positive, but I'm really worried that because AF came too early, I will be out of the race for this cycle :(

Today was the Psychic Party at a friend's house. I wasn't nervous, just in desperate need of some answers!

Baby: She said I'd have an answer by April, due in January 2010, and it would be a boy.

Relationship: My hubs loves me, we "do everything well together," we'll both live into our 80s, and we'll eventually have 2 kids and live healthy, happy lives.

Nathan: He lives by the motto "He who dies with the most (stuff) wins." He likes to spend, spend, spend. I am the polar opposite of him in my spending habits. I control the money and have to tell him no to things. Though he doesn't verbalize it, he is just as excited to be a dad as I am to be a mom. He loves me deeply.

Mom's health: Though her back has been bad for quite awhile, she is going to be feeling better in the next few months.

Grandma's health: She's stubborn and not going anywhere. Though her cancer will never fully go into remission, she is going to be around for at least the next two years. She feels like she still has a lot of children to raise.

My health: I need to work on my posture and get a new office chair for my desk in the classroom. Also, I can be expecting a respiratory cold in the next month.

What the universe has to say to me: I live in fear. Everyday I'm afraid of money problems, baby problems, everyone else's lives, but mostly, I live in fear of making ends meet. I should know by now that things always work themselves out, and I need to let go of some of that fear. I will have enough money. We will never be living on the streets or anything, so I need to enjoy spending a little more.

If you know me, you know how true-to-life much of this was. What a fun time!!

Here's a blog about the TTC; those "in the know" should be able to follow :)

Today, I got too excited. The last week, I have had extremely sore BB and some really random pains. I did some calculations based on the fact that last cycle was 42 days. Concluding that O would've happened around CD28 on 1/23 (14 days before AF), 7 days AFTER my p4 CD21 test, I decided I could be pg now (11dpo), and got a hair-brained idea to test. BFN

I was so disappointed, and I wasn't even expecting a BFP. It's been 5 months since I last POAS. Last August and September, I obsessively POASd every few weeks. After all the BFNs, I just stopped, and I haven't gone back to it until today. Now I remember WHY I stopped doing it.

Tonight, I asked my hubs...Is it wrong for me to go to an RE? I feel like people with real problems, like needing IVF and IUI, go to REs, and I don't feel like my problems are that significant. But, we have been TTC since last March and 80% of couples will be successful with pg during the first year, and I would assume that means without any extra help. I've already gotten the extra help, and still, nothing...I just hope I'm not using the REs time that could be better spent with someone who really needs him. But am I at a point where I really need him?

**Pic is us literally sitting on the rim of the Grand Canyon. It was scary and fascinating at the same time.

At the advice of a friend, I finally called a Reproductive doctor. I'm excited, nervous, happy, and sad all at once. Excited to finally have some answers, to know that we are moving forward and not stagnating, to feel like someone is finally putting some effort into helping us figure out our situation. Nervous because I don't know what to expect. Happy that I will be getting monitored while fertility treatments are dumped on me, but sad that I now have to wait to receive further treatment until after I have met the RE (no second cycle of Clomid even if this cycle ends before the RE appointment).

I recently read that the woman who just gave birth to 8 babies in California already had 6 kids, is single, and is living at home with her parents. What the hell? All I want is one kid; I'm stable, successful, married, happy, and able to take care of a child, and here is some irresponsible woman giving birth left and right. It's funny how the world bites us in the ass sometimes.