Confessions of a Blogaholic

Part of the dissolution agreement obviously included child custody arrangements. Originally, Nathan wanted a 50/50 split with our custody. He wanted to have her alternating weeks, but because a big part of the reason we divorced was his unwillingness to be home, I advocated for more freedom for him. Nathan has always been a wanderer; it's not a bad thing, but he has just never wanted to be tied down.

So, our ultimate agreement looked more similar to what my parents did when they separated when I was younger. One night a week (either tuesday or Thursday depending on if Nathan is on call) and every other weekend, Ry stays at Nathan's house. I have to admit it is nice to have these breaks every now and then. I sometimes use the time for grocery shopping, hardcore cleaning, bits of traveling (have been to Terri's more times since we separated than I have in the few years she's lived that far away!), and working, reading, enjoying a relaxing evening alone.

But weekends like this, where I didn't plan in advance for things to do to keep my time enjoyably filled, are looooooooooooong and boooooooring. I found myself eating way too much crap this weekend, sitting around watching tv movies, and generally wanting to rip my eyeballs out.

The lesson I learned: Always, always, always have a list of to-do's for the weekends when Ry is gone!!!

My next free weekend is the 24th, and while I have some decent plans for the Friday, I need to start working on the Saturday and Sunday so I'm not feeling this crappy again.

So, things have been a little crazy.

In November, I left my classroom to begin my new job (with a nearly doubled salary!) at Ohio State as an English Language Arts content specialist. Having gotten and accepted the job in October had allowed me to make some major (and necessary) life changes to improve the quality of Rylee's life...

Nathan and I had talked many times about getting divorced. There were always a lot of problems, and I would venture to say the problems were magnified by having Miss Rylee. I am not going to go into details; I would never publicly extol the conflicts that occurred, but I will admit that my marriage was over several years ago. I look back on things that I said, warnings I gave, ultimatums I tried to stand by, and I knew (whether Nathan did or not) that things were not good and we were not raising Ry in the best possible environment.

Anyhow, on November 4, Nathan moved out. We made the move as harmless to Ry as possible. He took his things, we divided up belongings that would not disturb her home life, we reached agreement on child support and custody, and I filed for a dissolution in mid-November.

I won't pretend that it has been smooth sailing since, but I will say there is a definite difference in the environment of mine and Ry's home now. It's definitely a change, but I am now happier, healthier, and all the wiser from having lived and learned. This week, we submitted our signed dissolution paperwork, and now we wait for the judge to sign off as well.

I also won't lie and say we're going to be bff's in the future. A lot of anger and resentment embedded itself over the course of 9 years, but we will be amicable for Ry's sake. I'm sure those heated emotions will subside eventually, but I don't see Nathan and I sitting together around a dinner table anytime soon.

My new job is great, but it's a huge change. I'm doing statewide education work now. My education blog has resulted in my being requested to come and run some teacher training sessions, which is truly amazing. I'm able to maintain my blog through work, and I get to go to national conferences.

Outside of work, I am incredibly relaxed. Sadly, I have more free and relaxing time now than I ever had as a wife. I no longer have lesson plans or grading to worry about, so after Ry gots to bed, I have time to run my book club, read leisurely, write in my real journal, and generally take care of myself and my house.

This year, I refused to make a resolution. Last January, I had no idea that 2011 would end the way it did, and at this moment, there are several things hanging loosely in the air that could have a significant impact on my 2012. The only resolution I could/can make is to accept change and to believe that parts of the course of my life are well outside of my humanly realm of control. I believe that all things happen for a reason.

Now let me show you some recent pics of my beautiful baby!!!!

Rylee is in her toddler bed now, which I wonderful when she stays, but not so great when she gets up at 4am and refuses to stay in bed.

Went to see my new workplace today. So exciting!

I finally invested in an IPhone, and it's just about official that I will no longer need a computer, lol.

Let me give you some updates:

Was recently offered an amazing job as an ELA specialist at OSU making double my teaching salary. I truly can't believe I am being given this opportunity and, even more, I can't believe anyone would think me capable of such responsibility. I've been dumbfounded since I found out last week. Amazing. As of now,the plan is for me to move right around thanksgiving. I've already told my student and all in all, they've been incredibly congratulatory for me, but everyone, including my peers, has said they will be sad to see me go.

In short rylee news, She is still totally amazing. She is up to many many words and she's constantly trying to repeat what we say. She will repeat her way thru The entire Alphabet. We just moved her to a toddler bed, and even that is working very well.

Things are going so well...all the things I've worked hard for all falling together and my beautiful baby is getting so big. Couldn't be happier!

Tonight, my B.O.E. decided to enforce the "RIF" of my HS principal, move around the remaining principals, and give a new, inexperienced principal a position.

Recently, my union decided to freeze our steps for a year despite the fact that our base salary is in the lowest percentile in the state and we have only had a 1.5% raise in the last 5 years. Additionally, we pay 30% of our insurance premium (cadillac plan my boo-tay).

A board member, as a result of the decisions tonight, resigned.

My district is on a slippery slope, heading downhill fast, and I feel like I'm putting every bit of extra energy I have into trying to save it to no avail. I've picked up that building rep position to try a "be the change you want to see in people." Meaning, I want people to be more active and to care, so I am more active and caring. I'm working through so much curriculum stuff because I want to make the school better, even though we consistently rank "excellent" on our state report card. I care and care and care and do and do and do, and I'm not sure it has the desired effect.

So...I'm reaching a crossroads this year. This is my 4th year at my current school and my 5th year in education, making me a mid-career teacher--can you believe that? 4+ years makes you "mid-range". I'm also nearing the end of my 2-year contract and getting ready to take on my 5-year contract. I'm at the point of no return--do I stay on at N. or do I move on before I'm too expensive to go elsewhere?

Honestly, I don't know what to do. I'm not used to being in a school where so few people care about what happens to the school as a whole. I'm used to G., my alma mater, where school spirit poured out of the walls. I miss that feeling. What the school lacks in spirit and support, though, they make up in opportunity. I've been able to take on so many leadership roles because there is such a small staff (not to mention the fact that nobody else takes the roles, lol). I've also committed to things that I want to see through to the end (like the work I've done to implement RtI), but I don't know if my commitment to these initiatives is enough to make me feel better about my environment. I also have a lot of freedom at a smaller school--I teach what I want, essentially. I work with a great "department" (all 4 of us!), who gets along, collaborates, talks about English stuff, but I miss the community vibe that goes along with working in a big school. I don't get the staff parties or going out after a tough day.

I know, in my heart, that I am meant to eventually do something with policy and curriculum. I know this because I came to the realization this summer, when I was doing all this research and work and studying curriculum theory and the CCSS and all the state regulations and educational history, that I enjoy doing this kind of work. I want to be the person at ODE who studies federal and state laws and creates curricular materials based on them. I want to be a curriculum consultant and teach people how to interpret requirements. What I don't know is what path I need to take to reach this ultimate career goal. I feel like there's a pressure on me now to be molded into the curriculum coordinator position at N., but I don't know that I want that kind of position in that kind of environment. I also don't know if the trade-offs (mobile classroom, more restrictions, a set curriculum, more money etc.) are enough to make a bigger school district a better option for me.

What I do know is that actual teaching is starting to feel like my "second job" beneath being a professional student and studier of education theory and methodology. It's almost as if I moreso prefer to study the theory and methods and help other people figure out how to do them than I prefer to make them happen in my own classroom. It's like I'm losing my love for teaching; don't get me wrong, though, I still love teaching, but if given the option to either 1) work on lesson plans, or 2) work on reading articles at ASCD and books by educational theorists, I'm more likely to choose 2.

I don't like feeling like I'm part of a community that doesn't support its school system. If I leave, though, I'm not "being the change I want to see in others," I'm being a part of the problem at N. If I stay, though, I alone am not doing anything to bring about a solution to the problem either. I don't know what to do; I don't know what I'm meant to do.

Saturday night was pretty awful with the noisy fireworks and my poor terrified child. I brought her into bed with me (Nathan was at a car show with Rocky) and coaxed her to sleep. Just when she would finally let out a little snore...*Bam* a firework would explode, and I'd hold my breath thinking, "Don't wake up, don't wake up." Undoubtedly, seconds later, she'd let out a wail, and I'd have to do it all over again. It was awful and annoying and I SERIOUSLY wish my neighbors had more common sense.

Today, we took Ry to her first parade. The first half hour or so she squirmed wildly, probably because she had no clue why we were sitting on the sidewalk staring at people on the opposite sidewalk. But finally, the parade started, and she seemed to have a good time. She got a sucker out of the deal at least :)

It's July now and my calendar is starting to clear up a bit as all the administrators (and my mentor for the internship) are taking their vacations. I've been busy, but it's been awesome!