Confessions of a Blogaholic

Yes, I am posting again.

There are worse things than infertility. The inability to get pregnant is not a life or death situation. It is stressful, disappointing, a constant battle with my own psyche, emotional, draining. Every ultrasound is like Christmas morning--Do I get a decent gift, like a new cell phone (=1 follie)? An extra awesome gift, like a new car (2 follies)? Or a shitty gift, like socks (=0 follies)? Every day is a battle of will and strength--Can I avoid going to this family gathering so I don't have to look at pregnant people and babies? Can I handle going to the store and seeing pregnant women? Why is it that shitty, undeserving, assholes can have babies and I can't? Every friend and family member is completely helpless to the infertile--not knowing what to do or say, not knowing how to take the unexpected blowups from the bitter hormone-induced bipolar. Infertility sucks.

But it's not the worst thing in the world...Infertility is not cancer; it's not AIDS or MRSA or Swine Flu; it's not tuberculosis or a flesh-eating bacteria. I'm not going to lose a lung, limb, or my life as a result of infertility. I'm not going to lose my hair, be forced to forego sexual relationships, lose my teaching license, or waste away as a result of infertility. In fact, there are some positive aspects of being an infertile...for instance, I know I will NEVER have to go on birth control again for the rest of my life! I know that I will probably slip into an early menopause and stop having periods earlier. There are no positives to those other diseases I mentioned. There are so many things worse than having infertility.

I have to keep reminding myself of that. Every time something doesn't go as planned, I have to remind myself that I'm not dying. Biological or not, I will have a child some day and my disappointment is based in impatience and not devastation. I am strong-willed, strong-minded, and happy...I am not dying.

I had my mid-cycle follie check, and I was prepared for the bad news of having only one follie. While in the waiting room, I kept telling myself I would be ok with just one growing follicle; things would be alright.

So, to find out I had NO GROWTH was something for which I was not prepared. There was absolutely NO RESPONSE to the 100mg of Clomid this time.

Here's the plan for the near future...I start 150mg tonight and go back on the 10th for another midcycle. If there is growth, we will move on with the IUI as planned; if not, I will start 200mg of Clomid that night and go back for another midcycle 10 days later. Again, if there is growth, we will do the IUI; if not, it's on to injectibles for me. All of this is, of course, providing my husband doesn't kill me for the raging bitch I become when taking these meds.

My ovaries hurt (I was banking on the pain as a sign of growth, but alas...); my head hurts from this constant disappointment and this seemingly endless path of roadblocks; mostly, my heart hurts because my body won't function the way it's supposed to, and now it won't even function when it's being forced.

Damn.

Follie Check tomorrow, and I'm hoping for a (two, please) big one. I'll more than likely have to head back to the doc on Wednesday for a second check because mine never seem to be big enough at the first round.

In other news...wait...there IS NO OTHER NEWS, since I've been doing a while lot of NOTHING since school let out. I'm bored out of my mind. This is what I've done so far this break: Read two books (Unwind, and The Boy in the Striped Pajamas) and am halfway through my third (How I Live Now), gone to several movies including the one I went to by myself, went on a few bike rides with hubs, babied my sick cat, cleaned, cleaned, cleaned, organized my file box, played some computer games, cooked dinner, kept up with the laundry, went shopping a couple times while hubs was at work....that's about it. I'm incredibly understimulated.

I think I'm going back to school this fall. I have to go eventually anyhow to keep my license current. I've only got 5 classes and another Praxis test left to get my curriculum specialist license. Of course, this time, I can take my time with the coursework...I'm not in a rush to get things done. If nothing else (i.e. if the baby thing doesn't work out for me by next year), maybe I can spend next summer taking classes. I wouldn't feel like such a useless blob.

IUI #1 coming this week.

I'd be due March 30 (1 day after hubs' birthday), which is in the middle of our spring break. I'd only have to go back to work for the last two weeks of the school year (if they made me go back for those two weeks).

If it happens next cycle, I'll be due April 29, and I won't have to go back to work at all.

If it happens the 4 cycles after that, it will either be during the summer next year or at the beginning of the school year, and I would have extended time off.

"Most pregnancies resulting from insemination with the male partner's sperm occur in the first 3 attempts. The chances for success per month drop off after about 3 attempts and drop considerably more after about 4-5 unsuccessful attempts. Therefore, IUI treatment is usually recommended for a maximum of about 3 or 4 tries." (advancedfertility.com)

So, if IUI is going to work, the best chance of it working with be within my vacation times above!! :)

Thank God. Tonight is my last night of Clomid, and I have never been so thankful. The last five days of medication have literally driven me over the edge, and although I am prone to moderate, semi-bipolar mood swings, I have never felt myself go from 0 to enraged like I have this time. Let me give you some examples...

1) I exploded at hubs last night at 10:45 (2 hours after my dose) because he wouldn't go with me to the grocery store to get more ace bandages for Stink's neck. Granted, he had worked a 13-hour day in the hot, hot sun, had to be up to go to work this morning at 6:30, and he was getting ready to go to bed...but in my Clomid crazy mind, his unwillingness to go was equivalent to him wanting Stink to get infected and die.

2) On Sunday, Hubs and I were supposed to go see The Proposal. He left to go do something for awhile, and I sat and waited for him to get back. We were supposed to be at the movie at 3:45, which meant we needed to leave by 3. Well, 3:30 rolls around, and hubs finally shows up. Of course, I went off in another Clomid-induced rage. I ended up telling him to stay at home while I went to watch it on my own.

3) John & Kate came on about an hour after I took my pills last night. Filled with all the womanly hormones, I found myself LITERALLY BAWLING when I see that final screen that said: "As of June 22, 2009, a dissolution has been filed to end the 10-year marriage of Jon and Kate." I still feel a lump in my throat just thinking about it.

This has been nuts. I'm so over Clomid. If this cycle doesn't work, I'm ready to move on to some injects--maybe I'll have less of this bullshit.

Speaking of this cycle, my IUI is next week....yay...I'm not feeling incredibly optimistic about it after perusing through some of the statistics on the internet. Honestly, if I only get one follie combined with hubs' sperm issues, I'm kind of wondering if there is even a point in shelling out the $250 for the insemination when those two combined factors equal such a low success rate.

No. I can't sit here and be so negative. I have to think positive because being optimistic is half the battle in infertility. Yes, there is a low success rate given those factors, but all it takes is 1 sperm and 1 egg for it to happen. I'm going to pin all my optimism on that one fact.

I've finally gotten around to taking some pictures of Stink. I am literally getting sick to my stomach looking at his gaping wounds. I can't imagine how awful he feels; he looks awful. I find myself now sleeping super lightly so I can stop him from licking himself throughout the night. He will literally sit and lick for HOURS on end. It breaks my heart to see him looking so bad. Here's the pics...

 
Photo #1: Stink looking away from the camera. Do you see that gaping open wound there? That is where he has spent months scratching away into his skin. It's completely awful.

The next pic is really graphic, so you may want to stop reading now.



Photo #2: Stink with his head back. Yes, I am holding his head back, but I promise it wasn't hurting him. He actually seems to enjoy having this mess rubbed, which I take advantage of and rub with some feline soothing spray stuff.

And finally...


Photo #3: What we've started doing to try and help. He looks like he is in some torture device, and I can't understand why he's not fighting to get out of it. It's wrapped loosely, but he's had it on pretty much all day today. Man, I hope it helps those places heal.

We're on Day 3 of 253 days of the allergy vaccine. The vet said he will look worse before he starts to look better, but I never imagined he could look this miserable.

RE appointment this morning--cysts are gone!! Moving on to (yet) another cycle, but this time, we'll be doing 5 days of Clomid 100mg starting tonight, trigger probably on the 1st or 2nd of July based on my own calculations, and the IUI on either the 3rd or 4th (?? If RE does IUIs on holidays). I am feeling slightly optimistic since this is really the best chance we've had so far at this working--given hubs' SA results and finding out that we didn't have great chances in past cycles. In the back of my mind, though, there is some weird, pessimistic voice that says because this is our 1st IUI, it won't work. Like, we need to build up to a successful IUI or something, which I know isn't the case. I have just as much possibility for success with IUI #1 as I do with IUI #7. I hope this works. I hope this works. I hope this works.

In Stink news, we got the allergy treatment for him (all $200 of it, $520 if you count the allergy test!). The treatment consists of about 50 syringes that we will use to administer three vials of serum containing varying concentrations of his 22 (!!!) allergens over the next 200 or so days. As the "allergy treatment diary" that came with the syringes and vials states: "You should see results in 3-5 months." 3-5 months!!! Stink is going to have several layers of skin licked away in that time. I'm hoping it works quicker than that. We (meaning, Nathan) have to give him these shots every other day for the first month, then every 5 days the next couple months, then every 10-12 days for a few more months, then he goes to once a month for the rest of his life. Whew!

Tomorrow is Hubs' urology appointment. Tomorrow, I also have to call the RE because I'm getting AF tonight, so I will be on CD1. I'm worried about so many things...I still have the cysts and will have to take another month off to do BCPs; We won't be able to do IUI because there will be some issue with the sperm they can get from hubs; Nathan will need a varicocele surgery (or something) that will cause us to have MONTHS off from cycling.

I'm so worried. I'm so tired of doing this. In 16 months, I've only had 1 successful (ovulatory) cycle, and that's it!! I'm just tired of this crap.

Today, Hubs went to hang out and ride 4-wheelers with a friend of his. When he arrived at dude's house, dude was on the phone with his wife (of less than a year!). He got off the phone and said, "Hey man! She pregnant!! But...she didn't want me to tell you guys since you've been trying so long."

Ugh. That's one more couple who "wasn't even trying" and STILL got pregnant before us.

I just want to vomit.

Yes, you read that correctly. This is a public blog, for the entire world to see, about my period.

I'm on Day 24 of a 28-day pack of BCPs to get rid of a couple residual cysts from last cycle, and I still haven't gotten my period. I never took BCPs before TTC, (always used Nuvaring), so I'm not incredibly sure, but shouldn't my period have started by now?????

I'm ready to start this next cycle. I'm ready to move on to insemination. I'm ready to do something other than Clomid. I'm ready for this TO WORK!!! But nothing can begin until AF shows up!

On a good note, as of tomorrow, if I did get pg this cycle, I would be due March 25, which would put my maternity leave at the beginning of the last 8 weeks of school---so, I would only have to come back for 2 weeks!!!! If I don't get my period and have to take provera, that will put me at perfect timing to have a maternity leave that lines up with summer vacation.

Let's get this show on the road.

The House: We did not get that beautiful house from my previous post; I knew it was too good to be true! There were actually 7 other bids on that house, and we just weren't the high bidder. Given our constant failure in offer-making, we have decided to stop looking for a house this year and to renew our lease. Making this decision was so difficult, because we are both tired of living in apartments. BUT...it is for the best, because there are SO MANY other things on our list of priorities right now that are more important than committing to a home.

OUR PRIORITIES
Stink (The Sick Cat): We found out yesterday that he is allergic to 14 different allergens, which include Elm and Oak trees, several types of grass, and several fungal spores. Poor guy. So, we are now committed to buying his allergy serum ($200 every two months for the next year), which is a low-dose of all his allergens in an effort to help him build up an immunity. Some of you are probably thinking, "Why don't you just put the cat down?" But you have no idea how wonderful he is. He is honestly the best cat, and I want to know that we did everything we could to help him. We would not have been able to afford this if we would've bought a house.

TTC: Obviously, not buying a house allows us to focus on baby-making. Things are going to start getting expensive, and they will only get more expensive the more difficult TTC becomes. Our finances need to match our priorities, and I think having a baby is more important than buying a home. We would not have been able to move forward with insemination (and its subsequent medications) if we would have bought a home.

Hubs' Urologist: Did you know there are different types of urologists for different needs? Nate had to call SEVERAL urologists before finding one who specialized in his need. Unfortunately, some of what he needs is not going to be covered by insurance as our insurance covers NOTHING associated with infertility. So, his need to see a urologist because of sperm problems is not going to be covered---UNLESS there is an anatomical diagnosis causing the issue.

So, yeah...we've got so many other, more important things on our priority list right now. We have a home, and it's a nice home; there's no need to add the stress of buying a house to our already full plates.

One of my teacher friends is very much into Young Adult Lit. I have a difficult time finding the gems of YA lit amidst the rows of crap. This teacher friend was recently talking about the novel The Boy in the Striped Pajamas, and when she said, "I couldn't believe what happened in the end," it piqued my interest.

Nathan bought the book for my on Saturday, and I finished it today. As far as readability, it goes quite quickly and it is only 215 pages long.

What a fantastic new perspective on Germany during WWII. The story is from the eyes of a 9-year-old boy on "one side of the fence" during Nazi-occupied Germany. He meets a boy on "the other side of the fence" at a place he calls "Out-With." What transpires is a truly heartbreaking tale of innocence, childhood naivete, guilt, and "exploration." This is by no means a rite-of-passage novel, but is instead a shockingly sad story, and although you can sense the ending before it comes, you are still just as sad when you read the final outcome.

The final lines are haunting...."And that's the end of the story about Bruno and his family. Of course all this happened a long time ago and nothing like that could ever happen again. Not in this day and age."

This book is not your typical Diary of Anne Frank. In fact, I would venture to say it is different than any other war novel I have ever read. I highly recommend it for a quick, but extremely gut-wrenching, read.

We got the results of H's blood/hormone test today, and while there are some abnormalities, they are not significant enough to cause the problems he is having. Luckily, we will not have to take next cycle off, but it will also not be appropriate for us to continue using TI. Instead, we'll be making the switch to IUI, and hoping for the best.

I'm nervous about the cost. I have no clue how much this will end up costing us, and with trying to buy a house, I'm not sure that it's feasible to move forward next cycle. If I have to make the choice between baby-making and house-buying, I think I would have to go with house-buying at this particular moment. That is such a hard decision, though, because I really, REALLY want to move forward with the baby stuff and I've had a difficult time being "out" this past cycle :(

As far as the house shopping is concerned, we heard today from the selling realtor of that house I talked about a few days ago (the post with all the pictures). There are a total of 5 offers including ours, and the bank wants everyone's highest and best offer by tomorrow at 4pm. We went balls-to-the-wall and offered everything we have been preapproved for. If this doesn't work and we end up not getting the house, I think we may postpone house buying because we have been shot down from so many offers already. I guess we'll know tomorrow in which direction our path is headed.

Yesterday was my last day with students. Monday is my last day having to go into work (and I only have to be there for half of the day). Then, it's me and 24 hours a day to do abso-freakin-lutely nothing.

This will be nice since it is my first summer completely off in the last 7 years. I have no classes to take, no classes to look forward to taking in the fall, no responsibilities that have to be done for the next 2 months. Wonderful. I thank God for whomever decided that teachers needed a break during the summer. (I do not, however, thank God for whomever invented bras!)

All this free time should allow me copious room for thinking about the important things in life...i.e. IF and buying a home, lol. So, be expecting frequent updates as, undoubtedly, my boredom will lend itself to blogging.

Enjoy the lovely weekend!

This is our PERFECT home. We offered $100 over the asking price and did not ask for any closing costs--it is bank-owned and already priced $69,000 under market value. We really want this house. Literally, when we opened the door to walk inside, both Nathan and I AND our realtor were like, "Oh. My. God." It's beautiful and will require soooooo little work!!! Here's some pics...

Front View:This is the house from the street. It is a corner lot with 2172 square feet.

Back View:The house sits on almost half an acre. There is a random square patch of rocks in the yard that would become our "fire pit" area!

Living Room:Yes, those are pergo floors, and they are in fantastic condition.

Kitchen and Small Dining Area: Notice the balcony windows? The door to the big back deck is to the left. The doorway in the back right leads to the formal dining room and the sitting room (sitting room?? Are you kidding me???).

Master Bedroom: Which has, get this, two separate walk-in closets (his and hers) located in their own personal hallway (separate from the rest of the house) that leads to the bathroom, which has a separate soaking tub and standing shower!

Formal Sitting Room: What do people even do with these things? This is destined to become our reading room, lol

View of Living Room from Kitchen Ahhhh, le Sigh!

If we don't get it, I know, there is a better house for us out there some where, but MY GOD!!! I hope we get this insanely beautiful house!!!

Well, yesterday we found out that we're not only facing my IF, we're also facing IF on mu hub's part. I'm not going to go into too many details, because he would hate for the world to know his situation. I will say, though, that additional testing is now required and we're playing a waiting game.

Everything is on hold. Indefinitely. Until we have answers for him. Until we find something that works for him. Until we find something that works for me. Until my cysts are gone. On hold. Indefinitely.

I can't wrap my emotions around all of this any more. I'm starting to feel like I'm at a loss. What I thought would be an easy and quick process is turning into so much more. I'm beginning to feel the cynicism associated with IF. Where I have been filled with optimism and hope for the last 15 months, I'm starting to feel sad and pessimistic. I feel like I'm stuck in a room, and every time a door appears to let me escape, it slams closed in my face.

I'm scared. What if all of the meds and the two-week-waits and the boxes of pregnancy tests and the many, many ultrasounds and tests and probing...What if none of it works? What if I am bracing myself for a possible positive, when I'm not destined to have one? What if I am not meant to have a biological child?

When I was 15 years old lying on my trampoline and dreaming about being a mom, it never crossed my mind that 10 years later, I would be going through all of this.