Confessions of a Blogaholic

Our Arrangements

2012-02-11T22:07:00.001-05:00

Part of the dissolution agreement obviously included child custody arrangements. Originally, Nathan wanted a 50/50 split with our custody. He wanted to have her alternating weeks, but because a big part of the reason we divorced was his unwillingness to be home, I advocated for more freedom for him. Nathan has always been a wanderer; it's not a bad thing, but he has just never wanted to be tied down.

So, our ultimate agreement looked more similar to what my parents did when they separated when I was younger. One night a week (either tuesday or Thursday depending on if Nathan is on call) and every other weekend, Ry stays at Nathan's house. I have to admit it is nice to have these breaks every now and then. I sometimes use the time for grocery shopping, hardcore cleaning, bits of traveling (have been to Terri's more times since we separated than I have in the few years she's lived that far away!), and working, reading, enjoying a relaxing evening alone.

But weekends like this, where I didn't plan in advance for things to do to keep my time enjoyably filled, are looooooooooooong and boooooooring. I found myself eating way too much crap this weekend, sitting around watching tv movies, and generally wanting to rip my eyeballs out.

The lesson I learned: Always, always, always have a list of to-do's for the weekends when Ry is gone!!!

My next free weekend is the 24th, and while I have some decent plans for the Friday, I need to start working on the Saturday and Sunday so I'm not feeling this crappy again.

Chaos

2012-02-10T18:33:00.001-05:00

So, things have been a little crazy.

In November, I left my classroom to begin my new job (with a nearly doubled salary!) at Ohio State as an English Language Arts content specialist. Having gotten and accepted the job in October had allowed me to make some major (and necessary) life changes to improve the quality of Rylee's life...

Nathan and I had talked many times about getting divorced. There were always a lot of problems, and I would venture to say the problems were magnified by having Miss Rylee. I am not going to go into details; I would never publicly extol the conflicts that occurred, but I will admit that my marriage was over several years ago. I look back on things that I said, warnings I gave, ultimatums I tried to stand by, and I knew (whether Nathan did or not) that things were not good and we were not raising Ry in the best possible environment.

Anyhow, on November 4, Nathan moved out. We made the move as harmless to Ry as possible. He took his things, we divided up belongings that would not disturb her home life, we reached agreement on child support and custody, and I filed for a dissolution in mid-November.

I won't pretend that it has been smooth sailing since, but I will say there is a definite difference in the environment of mine and Ry's home now. It's definitely a change, but I am now happier, healthier, and all the wiser from having lived and learned. This week, we submitted our signed dissolution paperwork, and now we wait for the judge to sign off as well.

I also won't lie and say we're going to be bff's in the future. A lot of anger and resentment embedded itself over the course of 9 years, but we will be amicable for Ry's sake. I'm sure those heated emotions will subside eventually, but I don't see Nathan and I sitting together around a dinner table anytime soon.

My new job is great, but it's a huge change. I'm doing statewide education work now. My education blog has resulted in my being requested to come and run some teacher training sessions, which is truly amazing. I'm able to maintain my blog through work, and I get to go to national conferences.

Outside of work, I am incredibly relaxed. Sadly, I have more free and relaxing time now than I ever had as a wife. I no longer have lesson plans or grading to worry about, so after Ry gots to bed, I have time to run my book club, read leisurely, write in my real journal, and generally take care of myself and my house.

This year, I refused to make a resolution. Last January, I had no idea that 2011 would end the way it did, and at this moment, there are several things hanging loosely in the air that could have a significant impact on my 2012. The only resolution I could/can make is to accept change and to believe that parts of the course of my life are well outside of my humanly realm of control. I believe that all things happen for a reason.

Now let me show you some recent pics of my beautiful baby!!!!

Toddler Bed

2011-10-19T21:39:00.001-04:00

Rylee is in her toddler bed now, which I wonderful when she stays, but not so great when she gets up at 4am and refuses to stay in bed.

Went to see my new workplace today. So exciting!

Sweet baby

2011-10-16T10:38:00.001-04:00

Yay

2011-10-14T21:24:00.001-04:00

I finally invested in an IPhone, and it's just about official that I will no longer need a computer, lol.

Let me give you some updates:

Was recently offered an amazing job as an ELA specialist at OSU making double my teaching salary. I truly can't believe I am being given this opportunity and, even more, I can't believe anyone would think me capable of such responsibility. I've been dumbfounded since I found out last week. Amazing. As of now,the plan is for me to move right around thanksgiving. I've already told my student and all in all, they've been incredibly congratulatory for me, but everyone, including my peers, has said they will be sad to see me go.

In short rylee news, She is still totally amazing. She is up to many many words and she's constantly trying to repeat what we say. She will repeat her way thru The entire Alphabet. We just moved her to a toddler bed, and even that is working very well.

Things are going so well...all the things I've worked hard for all falling together and my beautiful baby is getting so big. Couldn't be happier!

Ugh, schools...

2011-07-07T22:34:00.002-04:00

Tonight, my B.O.E. decided to enforce the "RIF" of my HS principal, move around the remaining principals, and give a new, inexperienced principal a position.

Recently, my union decided to freeze our steps for a year despite the fact that our base salary is in the lowest percentile in the state and we have only had a 1.5% raise in the last 5 years. Additionally, we pay 30% of our insurance premium (cadillac plan my boo-tay).

A board member, as a result of the decisions tonight, resigned.

My district is on a slippery slope, heading downhill fast, and I feel like I'm putting every bit of extra energy I have into trying to save it to no avail. I've picked up that building rep position to try a "be the change you want to see in people." Meaning, I want people to be more active and to care, so I am more active and caring. I'm working through so much curriculum stuff because I want to make the school better, even though we consistently rank "excellent" on our state report card. I care and care and care and do and do and do, and I'm not sure it has the desired effect.

So...I'm reaching a crossroads this year. This is my 4th year at my current school and my 5th year in education, making me a mid-career teacher--can you believe that? 4+ years makes you "mid-range". I'm also nearing the end of my 2-year contract and getting ready to take on my 5-year contract. I'm at the point of no return--do I stay on at N. or do I move on before I'm too expensive to go elsewhere?

Honestly, I don't know what to do. I'm not used to being in a school where so few people care about what happens to the school as a whole. I'm used to G., my alma mater, where school spirit poured out of the walls. I miss that feeling. What the school lacks in spirit and support, though, they make up in opportunity. I've been able to take on so many leadership roles because there is such a small staff (not to mention the fact that nobody else takes the roles, lol). I've also committed to things that I want to see through to the end (like the work I've done to implement RtI), but I don't know if my commitment to these initiatives is enough to make me feel better about my environment. I also have a lot of freedom at a smaller school--I teach what I want, essentially. I work with a great "department" (all 4 of us!), who gets along, collaborates, talks about English stuff, but I miss the community vibe that goes along with working in a big school. I don't get the staff parties or going out after a tough day.

I know, in my heart, that I am meant to eventually do something with policy and curriculum. I know this because I came to the realization this summer, when I was doing all this research and work and studying curriculum theory and the CCSS and all the state regulations and educational history, that I enjoy doing this kind of work. I want to be the person at ODE who studies federal and state laws and creates curricular materials based on them. I want to be a curriculum consultant and teach people how to interpret requirements. What I don't know is what path I need to take to reach this ultimate career goal. I feel like there's a pressure on me now to be molded into the curriculum coordinator position at N., but I don't know that I want that kind of position in that kind of environment. I also don't know if the trade-offs (mobile classroom, more restrictions, a set curriculum, more money etc.) are enough to make a bigger school district a better option for me.

What I do know is that actual teaching is starting to feel like my "second job" beneath being a professional student and studier of education theory and methodology. It's almost as if I moreso prefer to study the theory and methods and help other people figure out how to do them than I prefer to make them happen in my own classroom. It's like I'm losing my love for teaching; don't get me wrong, though, I still love teaching, but if given the option to either 1) work on lesson plans, or 2) work on reading articles at ASCD and books by educational theorists, I'm more likely to choose 2.

I don't like feeling like I'm part of a community that doesn't support its school system. If I leave, though, I'm not "being the change I want to see in others," I'm being a part of the problem at N. If I stay, though, I alone am not doing anything to bring about a solution to the problem either. I don't know what to do; I don't know what I'm meant to do.

Happy 4th!

2011-07-04T22:37:00.002-04:00

Saturday night was pretty awful with the noisy fireworks and my poor terrified child. I brought her into bed with me (Nathan was at a car show with Rocky) and coaxed her to sleep. Just when she would finally let out a little snore...*Bam* a firework would explode, and I'd hold my breath thinking, "Don't wake up, don't wake up." Undoubtedly, seconds later, she'd let out a wail, and I'd have to do it all over again. It was awful and annoying and I SERIOUSLY wish my neighbors had more common sense.

Today, we took Ry to her first parade. The first half hour or so she squirmed wildly, probably because she had no clue why we were sitting on the sidewalk staring at people on the opposite sidewalk. But finally, the parade started, and she seemed to have a good time. She got a sucker out of the deal at least :)

It's July now and my calendar is starting to clear up a bit as all the administrators (and my mentor for the internship) are taking their vacations. I've been busy, but it's been awesome!

Baby Words

2011-06-20T22:15:00.002-04:00

Rylee has an ever-growing vocabulary. I think she starts saying something and it takes us a few days to pick up on the new "word", but it's funny because even once she has learned a word, she sometimes trips over her tongue when trying to say it.

Words she can say and things she can do:
"Dada" and "Dadeeeeeee" (She likes to draw out ending vowel sounds)
"mama" (though she prefers saying daddy...)
"bubble"
"doggie"
"Kit Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" (Kitty Kat)
"duckie"
"Buh-bye"

She can also:
blow kisses
give "baby kisses" (those open-mouthed ones with a muah sound)
go down the stairs the right way (backwards)
open and close doors
get up and down on the couch
and she's peed in the potty twice (totally accidentally, but she did it)

Every day it's something new. She's pretty awesome!

Ry Reading

2011-06-12T14:39:00.001-04:00

Have I mentioned that Rylee loves to read. I mean, she LOVES to read. She will sit with a book for 10 minutes and just flip through the pages. *sigh* a girl after my own heart :)

Nighty Night

2011-06-06T22:05:00.003-04:00

I love the days that when they are over you can sit back and say, "Wow....today I made something of myself."

Ry has a potty. I know, she's only 13 months, probably too early, but she's a pretty smart cookie. And I figure since she sees potty training going on at the sitters, maybe she'll pick it up from the kids. But really, who WANTS to pee on this pretty thing:

Congratulations!

2011-06-04T13:00:00.002-04:00

If you've stuck around long enough to see this post, congrats! Sorry such LOOONG spans of time seem to keep happening between posts, but now that it's summer, I should be able to post a bit more frequently (depending on if Rylee's ok with that, lol).

The last few months, as always, have been pretty insane. This past Tuesday was my last official day with students, and unlike other years/teachers, I didn't have my countdown going. In fact, the last day caught me TOTALLY off-guard. I had stacks of graded papers that never got returned, I hadn't collected textbooks, my room was still a mess. I was completely unprepared. I really don't know what happened this year, it just went faster than all 3 of my other teaching years.

In May, I started both an Administrative Technology in Education class as well as my Administrative internship. By January, I should have finished everything necessary to apply for my admin license. Whoop! For my internship, I have to do like 110 hours of activities to fulfill 16 directives that all begin with words like "directing", "scheduling", "managing", "training", and "mentoring." I have to do 6 interviews with curriculum directors outside of my district (3 of which I already have scheduled to do in the next two weeks), attend several state and national conferences, and basically serve as my district's curriculum director's free assistant for the duration of the project. She's putting me in charge of the Race to the Top stuff assuming our district stays involved. She's also WONDERFUL because she is so well-connected and she seems so excited to work with an intern. She's asked around about me (I've heard from others), and she seems to want me to head-up some stuff. So, yay!

I also got the spot as my building's union rep for next year--Yay, again! I'm on the contract negotiations committee, and we meet Tuesday evening to negotiate with the Board. So exciting. I'm looking forward to 1) Learning how all this works, 2) Learning how to communicate in conflict situations more appropriately, and 3) Being a more active person in my profession.

In addition, Nate and I have been doing some work to the house recently. In the week before Ry's birthday, we hired a contractor to come out and do our deck. It turned out beautifully! Nate posted some pics on his Facebook page, but he did it directly from his phone, so I can't find them on the computer :( Next to our 16 x 20 deck is a 10 x 10 patio with the firepit. Next to the patio is a small line of 3 arborvitae bushes that we hope will eventually make a "natural" privacy screen. We moved the canopy and outdoor furniture onto the deck. I'd say outside of the house and Rylee's conception, the deck is one of the best investments we have ever made. We use it all the time between dinner, grilling, hanging out, playing with Ry. We sit out there a lot!! And with a DVR, who needs to be inside during this beautiful weather anyhow?

Ry's birthday was May 4, and the weekend before, we had a little party at our house. She got all up in her smash cake! I made rainbow-layered cupcakes for us to eat and a rainbow-layered cake for her. She seemed to have a blast, and we were glad to have the Ramsey family over as Rylee just loves Ethan and Aly!

Rylee gets more amazing every day. She responds to commands now (that sounds weird, sorry, I know she's not a dog!), like "go get your shoes" and "give it to daddy" and "put it in the trash." She can make it all the way up and down stairs by herself. She can communicate some, though EVERYTHING is "da da"!! She says, "bah-bah" and waves for bye-bye, goes to her high chair and grabs it to let us know she's hungry, grabs the door hand to the garage when she's ready to go somewhere. She dances ALL THE TIME--to commercials, phone ringtones, radio, toys. She LOVES going for walks and MOVING FURNITURE!! Our chairs on constantly moved across the floor :)

I've been steadily continuing to lose weight. It's crazy, actually, because no matter what I do, I'm not gaining it back. I'm still eating whole grains and lots of veggies/fruits. I take my one-a-day, 2 fish oil vitamins, and 2 calcium supps (at breakfast and dinner), and that's about it. I don't really work out outside of taking Ry on walks and playing with her. I eat a pudding cup about every other day, and I still love desserts. I guess it's just in moderation now, or something. Every time I get on the scale (whenever I think to do it), I lose about another pound. It's pretty cool, actually. I'll let you know when I hit my plateau, lol.

Well, I've got to get these last few essay exams finished, so I'm off to do that. I'll be back soon, I promise :)

I know!!!

2011-04-04T23:20:00.002-04:00

It has been soooooo long again. I have to make it a point to get on here more often, which I can guarantee will happen once summer comes! I've been so busy this school year, but I love it.

First, I wanted to share my new education blog Turn On Your Brain. I decided to start this up because I find that I am always reading articles online or interesting teacher-type books and wanting to discuss them. I love talking about education, but I haven't found that many people with a shared interest. If you're into that kind of thing, please sign up to follow my new blog and be sure to PARTICIPATE IN SOME DISCUSSION!!! I'm really hoping to get some good dialog going!

Next, Rylee's walking. She started at 10 months taking 1 or 2 steps. So freaking cute. Within a week or two, she was going longer and longer. I think she got tired of falling so far behind the kids at the sitter's house :)

Everything is going so well for us. We had some people out to give us quotes on the deck and patio; hoping to get that done within a month. We bought Ry an awesome playset for her birthday--yeah, she's too young to use it right now, but she'll grow into it. I finished my class, scheduled the two I'm going to take this summer, and planned my fall internship. We're working on getting Ry's 1st birthday party together. Everything's great here!

Oh, boo! I have been trying to post some super cute videos but the uploader isn't working. I'll try again soon, I promise!

2011-02-10T21:03:00.003-05:00

Every day she gets a little bit older, a little bit bigger, a little more hair, a little more able.

She climbs the stairs, she dances up and down, she takes her shoes off when in the car for longer than 5 minutes, she laughs, she does things to get a laugh.

Her nose crinkles, her hair stands up all over the place, her eyes light up, her babbling gets more extensive, her hands get more curious.

She is absolutely stunning, and I am so glad she is mine.

Catch-Up

2011-02-02T11:51:00.002-05:00

It's funny that I long for snow days just so I can play catch up everywhere else in my life.

We've been busy, busy, busy as always.

Dad: Is now in a nursing home. The ventilator was removed after about two weeks. He still has bad pneumonia that has not reacted to any of the meds, and his liver is still incredibly shot. For now, though, he is alcohol and smoke free and receiving physical therapy at the nursing home until he can walk again. Mom and I have been busy on the phones, waiting in line at the SS office, ordering paperwork, copying, faxing, talking to the hospital, going to the hospital. In all, I have to say the hospital gets only a 1/5 stars for their performance. They were going to discharge the man on Saturday with NO PLACE TO GO and NO ABILITY TO WALK, until my mom and I talked to the case worker and pointed out their stupidity. He has a court date coming up and may be going to jail, but that would be THAT much longer before he drinks and smokes again. In the end, I am not holding my breath for him to recover. He's on the decline, but I don't see him choosing a life of sobriety.

My Classes: Are back in full swing. I'm taking 1 class right now on Monday nights. I have three classes to complete this summer, an internship in the fall, my Praxis for Administrator's test to pass, and I'm a fully licensed curriculum specialist with only 1 semester of interning to receive my principal's license if I ever choose to do so.

Ry: Is still beautiful as ever! She climbs our entire staircase all by herself! She stands without holding on to things for about 20 seconds. She's a big girl, and she's SPOILED ROTTEN! I mean, her princess mentality is in everything she does. Oh my... I am already ready for another baby. I have serious baby envy for some reason. I don't think Nathan is entirely ready for another one just yet, but he has said if it happens, it happens--though we all know the likelihood of it "just happening" in our circumstances. I can't wait to see Ry as a big sister. I can't wait to do all of this over again. Plus, I don't want to get too far away from the sleepless nights before I do it over, ya know?

The House: We're saving up for our deck this summer, hoping to have it built in May so we can enjoy it throughout the summer and fall. I can't wait to have a deck! Our goal has been to save as much money as possible so we can get everything we want in our deck without having to be told we don't have enough. Other goals for the summer...a natural gas grill (we have a natural gas hookup on the back of our house), a wooden playset for the princess, and a shed for the lawnmower, fire pit/canopy storage, to give us space in the garage for a freezer unit. Finally, I'm hoping to figure out how to grow my own tomatoes and green peppers and learn how to can salsa, spaghetti sauce, etc.

Food: Since my last post, I have totally cut out all processed foods and any food with High Fructose Corn Syrup. I've cooked pretty much every night and eaten salads when we've gone out to dinner. We've switched to primarily turkey and chicken for meats (I haven't been a fan of beef since I blew my eyeballs out when I was pregnant). And I've gotten Nathan to eat more salads and whole wheat bread. A lot of this stuff I was already doing for the past couple of years, but I would sneak in crap just so I didn't have to cook (Kraft Mac & Cheese, anyone?). Though I am doing a lot more cooking, Nathan and I prep most of the stuff on Sundays (frozen meatloaves, meatballs, cut up veggies for salads, frozen strombolis, as well as making all Ry's baby food) in only a couple of hours, which makes dinners so much easier throughout the week. I've only lost a couple of pounds, but I'm about 13 less than I was before I got pregnant, and I'm still sticking to my guns about working out--I'll do what I feel like doing, not what I'm forcing myself to do. So, if I'm going to read some in the evening after I put the baby to bed, I hope on the treadmill--the more interested I am in the book, the longer I am likely to stay on. If I'm watching TV and hanging out, I'll pick up my weights and mindlessly (no counting) do bicep curls, lateral lifts, bench press on the exercise ball, whatever, until I can't lift them anymore. I'll also bust out some squats and lunges, again while watching the boob tube. But I'm not doing anything I don't want to do. When the weather clears, we'll go for walks, bike ride (with the trailer we're buying Ry for her birthday), or hike. I'm still not concerned about losing weight; I could care less what the scale says, but I AM concerned about being healthier, being more capable of playing with my kid(s), feeling more energized, sleeping better at night, and living from sun up to sun down. I feel better, more confident, have higher self-esteem, and live more positively when I take care of myself--that's what I'm working toward.

Quick---She's waking up!

2011-01-17T12:40:00.002-05:00

Gotta post quick because the baby is waking from her nap (oh, those blissful moments when I can set aside Mommyhood to work on Teacherdom and Wifeliness).

Dad is in the hospital (again). If you aren't too familiar with me/my situation, my dad and I have basically stopped talking. Right after I graduated high school, he and my mom had a pretty rough divorce (and my mom was SO in the right for divorcing him). My dad has ALWAYS been an alcoholic, but with the freedom of the divorce came an onslaught binge of drinking. So, for the last 10 years, I've probably talked to my dad about a handful of times, and he's been a "bottom of the barrel" type of drunk for that entire period. I should clarify....my dad's sense of normal is waking up to a beer first thing in the morning, working a job that allows him to work when he can and drink all the time, and living in situations that keep him drowning in alcohol (and possibly drugs) at all times of day and night. He's a mess. Seriously.

3 years ago (at the same time when my g-pa died), was the last time my dad had been in the ICU. He was hooked up to a ventilator after a "fall" (which I'm still convinced was truly a baseball bat to the head) and in and out of consciousness for a couple weeks. It was at that time that I found out as the oldest daughter, I am responsible for decisions regarding his medical care. At the time, the doctors told him he had 2 years left to live if he continued drinking and smoking. His lungs and liver are basically shot, he has hep C, MRSA, and a myriad of other deadly conditions (high blood pressure). On top of all that, this "fall" left him with some weird brain damage or something, because afterwards, he couldn't even act like a "normal" (respective to his every other day actions) human being. He was mentally retarded even by his own standards.

Needless to say, despite his own repeated attempts at rehab, my dad continued to drink, and I continued to learn that addiction is a disease--some beat it, and some succumb to it.

This time is much worse. He went to the ER last Tuesday with chest pain and severe detoxing, only to find out that his entire left lung and top half of his right lung are filled with pneumonia. Thursday morning, he was moved up to ICU with a severely low blood pressure that required medicine to raise. He was sedated and put on a ventilator at that time. Saturday and Sunday mornings, they took him off his sedative, but he did not wake up (it's taking a long time to process the meds out because his liver is so effed). Yesterday, they gave him sedatives to give him a CAT (sp?) scan, during which they found that his lungs are incredibly effed and at this point, they don't know whether or not he will be able to breathe on his own again (a combo punch from smoking for so many years and the pneumonia). Hence....the ventilator is serving as his life support. Without it, right now, he would fail to breathe.

My mom got the impression from the doc when she went up Saturday that this is an "If...he lives" situation. Apparently, those were the doctor's exact words ("If he gets out of this this time..."); however, the ICU nurses are giving a more "We don't know..." and "When he wakes up..." impression. But what do they really know half the time??

I'm just hoping for a resolution. Nate says he can't understand why I even care, and the truth is...I care because I know what kind of person he USED to be. He was, after all, truly my dad for the first 17 years of my life. Did he come to any violin concerts? No. Did he come to any football games? No. Did he come to any plays? Maybe one. But, he was still my dad, and he cared about me in the way he knew how. As my friend Allison put it, he "loved to him limit," and did what he was capable of doing. So, yes, of course, I care about what happens to him...

But...he is a shell of the person he used to be, and the realist side of me cannot understand why the hospitals continue to save him just to send him out and let him kill himself again. He will never grasp the magnitude of his actions. If he doesn't die this time, it's only a matter of a brief amount of time.

Current Reads

2011-01-09T15:07:00.003-05:00

Among the many books I am read (including Book #1 of the Alex Cross series by Patterson, Book #1 in the Maximum Ride series by Patterson, Gregor the Overlander, Book #2 in the Percy Jackson series, AND Freakonomics), one that has my attention, and inadvertently the attention of this post, is Master Your Metabolism by the all-too famous Jillian Michaels.

In it, Jillian talks about all of the chemical toxins in and around us that throw our hormones off-balance and cause (contribute, I would argue) to our incessant obesity epidemic. Being of the "larger than life" club, myself, I am interested in what Jillian has to say--am I reading in place of exercising? Possibly. But I have thrown 25-30 minute nightly workouts on the elliptical and uncounted repetitions with weights and exercise ball routines into my daily schedules.

Like so many other food-oriented books I've read in recent years (The Omnivore's Dilemma, Fast Food Nation, and In Defense of Food--yes, I am well-versed, and should I add, well-experienced in the area of food), Jillian condemns processed foods, food additives, chemi-foods, etc. Basically, all the things we like in life--Bad, Bad, Bad.

I do not tend to eat a whole lot of processed foods, in all reality. We do, though, eat a lot of chicken and ground turkey. We eat lots of vegetables and whole grains as well. I can't remember the last time I had an Oreo or boxed Mac & Cheese. Nor can I remember the last time we ate anything from a can or even shopped those "middle aisles" of the grocery store. I don't eat fast food more than once every couple of weeks, I eat breakfast every morning (oatmeal, toast with apple butter, banana), I pack lunches every day for work (yogurt, natural apple sauce, Lean Pocket), and when we go out to dinner, I get a salad. In my opinion, I eat healthy. Also, in my opinion, I don't eat that much.

Being that I've only just started guaranteeing myself a nightly workout, I can't say, "I don't know why I'm so fat!" Because I haven't been working out long enough to see any benefits. That being said, in the past, I have BUSTED MY ASS to lose weight for extended periods of time and never saw the results I wanted. When I was in Army ROTC at Xa.vier, I worked out every single day beginning at 5am with my battalion, worked out in the evenings with my suitemates, and dieted ALL DAY EVERY DAY, but never got below 170.

Now, I should clarify...I'm not working out now to lose weight. I could care less about that any more. I have a husband and a kid, I don't need to work on my appearance for anything important. I am working out to try and manage my stress and workload. I'm working out to sleep better at night instead of tossing and turning all night long. Most importantly, I'm working out to have some alone time while Nate watches the baby. I work out because it makes me feel good rather than stressed out.

I'm starting to think maybe there is some truth to what Jillian (and so many others!) are saying. Maybe my hormones are all out of whack because they are under attack by all the chemicals in our foods, cleaners, tupperware containers, etc. Maybe there is a problem with my thyroid? Maybe my inability to lose during ROTC was a hormone imbalance? Maybe I'm unintentionally predisposing Rylee to obesity by exposing her to all the chemi-food nonsense. I don't know.

I don't think I can be a "green" mom. I don't think I have the time in my already overloaded schedule to do the necessary research to go "green" in every area of my life. I don't think I have the energy to put in to going to farmer's markets for vegetables, obsessively comparing food labels, paying so much more for free-range, organic, etc. meats (see, I don't even know the difference!). I do, though, think it's important to set a good example for my kid. It would be great to have a list of pre-researched "ok" foods, cleaners, etc. so that I wouldn't have to put forth all that extra effort! If I can give Ry a step-up in the right direction as far as nutrition and healthy living are concerned, I'd love to be able to do that. I'd love for her to avoid being called "Thunder Thighs" in 8th grade gym class :/ And to avoid being called "The Fat Cheerleader". I'd love for her risks of cancer to already be diminished because she chooses to avoid "bad" foods.

Small steps. At least I'm making it a point to work out daily.

WHAT!!?!?!

2010-12-29T12:11:00.003-05:00

I just saw that my last post was OCTOBER 27!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe it!!!!

I have a confession, though. I'm tired of the internet. Literally, I am internetted out. The endless droning of complaints and whining on Fac.ebook have led me to hide approximately 90% of my "friends," I'm no longer interested in online news (I don't have the time for it), and I've made it my mission to stay far, far away from my work email when I'm at home. I think I open my computer once a week or so and spend the rest of my time pursuing more purposeful pleasures, lol.

"What are these purposeful pleasures?" I hear you asking yourselves (all 3 of you).

First, my Noo.k. We bought one a few weeks ago, and I have become a reading MACHINE. While Ry whittles away on her neverending vat of toys, I lay back on her bean bag and read, read, read. Three things I LOVE about the Noo.k. I can sample pretty much any book before I read it, and some samples are like 50-60 pages long. Ah-mazing! Plenty of time to decide I hate a book. Second, I love that you can download digital books from the library (which you apparently cannot do on the Kin.dle). That has given me access to so many books--and I don't have to buy them! Three, every Friday, B&N gives away free books. This past Friday, I got Gulliver's Travels for free. What I've read/am reading: Percy Jackson and the Olympians Series, American Rust, The Kindly Ones, Chelsea Handler's books, Mockingjay (finally), and Gregor the Overlander (a second series by Suzanne Collins, author of The Hunger Games series). My Noo.k has made books so much more available to me, and I love finally being able to read.

Whoops! Baby woke up, will continue this afternoon (hopefully)

*Down for a second nap, post continued...*

Other than reading (and the obvious parenting business, which I'll mention in a moment), I've been keeping very busy with work. I'm the building lead for this huge project/initiative/district overhaul we are working through right now. On the positive side, I love doing it. I am completely interested in all the training, the decision-making, the afterschool webinars and commitments, and the loads of additional education-oriented reading I am doing. Also, this whole experience and the next 5 or so years of implementation will look FANTASTIC when I go to apply for a doctoral program. On the not-so-positive side, I'm not getting paid any extra for all my efforts. But that's the nature of the education beast...we all bust our butts for free just to hear taxpayers complain about how much money we make.

Parenting....The little lady is keeping me MORE than busy. Chasing her around, fighting for naptime, run, run, run, go, go, go. I can't wait to have more of her around.

Posing with a teddy bear.

Loving her mommy (mid-cough)

And cheesin' like the adorable baby cake she is turning into!

To the Two of You

2010-10-27T20:47:00.004-04:00

You are still in my thoughts. I loved both of you more than I ever could have put into words, which is a lot to say for someone who seems to have such a large vocabulary. When I'm alone, in those rare moments that I am alone, I frequently find myself thinking about you and wishing you were here. I find myself still crying over the great-grandparents Rylee will never have, the conversations we'll never have again, the dinners at Hometown that will never happen, the phone calls I'll never be able to place, the accomplishments I'll never be able to tell you about, the advice I'll never receive, the games of Jeopardy and Spin the Wheel that I'll never be able to compete against you on, the pictures that will never be taken, the smiles I'll never see. My heart still hurts when I think about all the "what used to be's" and the "what could have been's."

I miss waving at you from a few hundred yards away, waiting at your house to catch the bus in the morning, looking in the windshields of the school buses and wondering if you are driving (something I still do involuntarily), smelling the food you were cooking in your kitchen, microwaved, frozen donuts on Sunday mornings on our way to Sunday School after spending the nights on Saturdays.

It's funny...I even miss the little, tiny details about both of you--Mammaw, the way your incredibly blue eyes (that Mom, I, and Rylee ALL have!) when you were happy, the way you talked when you took your dentures out in the evenings, the house slippers you always wore, the way you said "hello" which sounded more like a "ya-ellow" when you answered the phone, how you would read Women's Day magazines in bed when we stayed over, "Oh, piddles," your neat, precise handwriting, the way the skin on your hands looked when I pulled on it during Sunday School, the mints you always had in your purse, how SLOW you ate food :) Pappaw, the way you used to smile with those 4, then 3, then 0 teeth, the glasses you always carried in your shirt pocket, how you would ask me to spell a word--the way you beat me at Jeopardy every time, the way you said "Christine" and "Hey girl!" when I walked in the door, the way you used to warn "You have to finish high school and don't get pregnant!", your potato pancakes, mixing Orange Drink and Sunny-D, mixing peanut butter and butter, when you would walk down the dead-end street and look up at the trees, the fact that you used that pocket knife for EVERYTHING (skin an animal, cut an apple, open a letter--whatever), how you called me a fish when I swam, that you couldn't keep a secret when you came to pick me up at Xavier knowing I had a car waiting at home.

You guys were more fantastic than I will ever be able to explain...And let me tell you, you would LOVE Rylee. She's funny, has a sense of humor, the funniest giggle, the brightest blue eyes. She's persistent (she'll spend 20 minutes on the floor trying to figure out how to crawl), independent. She will never know what she missed out on.

I miss you both. Love you!

Hi :)

2010-10-17T19:46:00.002-04:00

First, a couple pictures.

Here we are about a month ago at a park for Rylee's first EVER swing experience. She loved it (though I was peeing my pants!)

I can't believe it, but this was about two months ago. She is growing too, too fast!

Nathan and I carved pumpkins this year for the first time in 8 years. Note the expression on his pumpkin.

Here's Ry at the pumpkin patch yesterday. Who knew hay looked so appetizing to babies?

Ry sits very well on her own now. I have a couple pictures on my phone I'll have to upload soon. She sits until she chooses to flop over on her belly. She also crawls, somewhat. She puts her head on the floor, walks her legs toward her head, then scoots her face on the ground. She gets into a very ready crawling position (hands and knees), but her arms just won't move for her. It won't be long until we have a mobile baby.

As far as food goes, I am still breastfeeding (which honestly feels like a significant feat because pumping during my conference and lunch periods is sometimes a hassle), but she has also been eating solids for about a month. I homemade a bunch of food--not because we don't have the money to buy the regular food, but because I thought it would be fun to try. Mom has come over a couple times and we've made big batches of sweet potatoes, carrots, squash, peas, and green beans. Ry loves anything that ISN'T green, lol.

In other news, I've joined some pretty ambitious committees at work, which are taking up a lot of time, but I'm not going to complain because I actually enjoy learning about the various initiatives in which I am involved. I have met with my advisor for my curriculum license, which I will have finished by next December, and I've finally found a nice routine, which, when not interrupted by an early-rising baby, affords me a few minutes of peace and quiet, though I have to get up at 5 to get it!

We've done SOO MANY improvements to the house including all new light fixtures on the first floor, very nice dining room furniture (90" long table that seats 8 and a buffet/server!), new fixtures on kitchen cabinets, refinished the blonde mantel to a dark cherry, shelves on the accent wall in the living room, pictures/decor in living room, paint in dining room, curtains in lieu of vertical blinds on big glass back doors--Whew!! We've really been moving on these improvements, but the house really feels like home. I'll certainly be getting some pics up of all that at some point. We absolutely love our house, and it feels more and more like home every day.

Fulfilled

2010-10-01T20:16:00.002-04:00

I always wondered if people ever reached that moment in life when they truly felt like everything was right, and now I know that moment DOES exist and can last, and last, and last.

I haven't been around much. In fact, I haven't been online much at all. Listening to and dealing with so many other people's issues and hearing their drama always felt like it was bringing me down. (I should say there are some people whose drama and life issues I DO care DEEPLY about, though!) So, I've stayed away. I also haven't had even a moment of time to waste hanging out on the internet, lol. We run, run, run all week and spend the weekends working on the house, hanging out as a family, painting rooms, sitting out by the fire pit (or fireplace now!).

I have to tell you....I have never felt more purposeful, more loved, more a part of the world, more successful, or generally happier than I do now. I am so content. I am so fulfilled. I feel like I'm living up to my purpose in life. At school, I live one part of my life--caring about the kids, loving what I do, teaching them things they need to survive and be productive. At home, I live the other part of my life--taking care of my family, developing this tag-team relationship with Nathan, managing and balancing all the many hats I now wear. I love it all. I love feeling like I'm living the life I'm supposed to live.

I finally feel complete--a whole person. Can't wait for more little ones to roam the homestead :)

Still here

2010-09-13T19:16:00.002-04:00

Hey all. I'm still around. I'm swimming still, but it's more like a doggy-paddle than a full-on stroke. I know millions of teachers have done this whole work and child thing before me, but I'm still completely perplexed at how they manage it. I feel like I run at full steam ahead from sun up until sun down with hardly enough time to breathe.

I'm trying to work in some kind of exercise plan. Not because of weight or anything (although that is important), but moreso because I need the energy to keep up. I know working out will help keep me energized and feeling good, and if I have to go, go, go every day, all day, then I might as well do what I can to keep myself feeling good.

I've already had to give up dairy. Not because I WANT to (trust me, cheese is one of my favorite condiments, lol), but because my digestive system decided I HAVE to do so (boo to my body parts!). I have a not-so-fun exploratory "procedure" in regions I'd rather not admit to having in a couple weeks because of an issue I've dealt with on a constant basis since I was 16 and have been too embarrassed to ever have addressed. I don't think I can be any more vague, lol.

Not having dairy since mid-August has been...odd. I love cheese, and I definitely love a big ol' glass of moo juice first thing in the morning (not to mention ice cream, yogurt, etc.). It's very odd to have to think critically about what I want to eat and to make a conscious effort to say "No cheese" all the time. Ugh. But, it seems to be helping this decade-long issue I've had, and that's fantastic.

Someone is about to be 27 in a couple weeks. One year closer to 30, whoo hoo!

I'll update again when I've dug myself out of the grading hole I've fallen into.

Man

2010-08-30T21:04:00.002-04:00

I am feeling so swamped right now. Not stressed because I'm not facing any real deadlines, but swamped beyond any stretch of the imagination. I feel like parts of me are being pulled and stretched thin like those old Gumby toys that you could pull on. I regret all the times I have ever complained about having too much on my plate because I now know what having too much on my plate feels like. I regret ever complaining about being tired, because now I know what being tired is truly like. I run all day on what little steam I have (fueled by coffee, yo!).

There's this pressure hanging around me that makes me feel like I have to be the perfect ____________ (fill in the blank). I need to be the perfect mom by making sure I spend all my evening hours with Rylee, remembering/taking time/making pumping a priority, bending my wants to meet her schedule (I may WANT to read Catching Fire, but my ability to o so depends on her need to sleep or be fussy!). I need to be the perfect teacher: lessons won't plan themselves, a positive classroom environment depends on a positive teacher, the grading fairy won't make a stop in my class anytime soon. I want to be the perfect homemaker, but cleaning, cooking, and grocery shopping (hell, getting in the shower myself!) take time; time that I can't find anymore. I would like to be the perfect wife, but that went out the window the first week we were married, lol. I am pressure to be the perfect woman: multitasker, preparer, rememberer, planner, organizer, bill payer, the essence of patience.

I'm working so hard to be all of these things, but I'm failing to find the time to complete all the tasks that go along with them. I used to say there wasn't enough time in the day to do everything that needed to be done, but I could still find time in those days to watch TV and take naps. Now, I say, "There isn't enough time in the day," and I truly mean it. I could stay up for 24 hours doing, doing, doing, and by the end of the 24-hour mark, I'd still have a laundry list of things to complete.

Must find balance. Must find balance. Must find balance. Must find myself buried in all these "To-Do's".

Wow

2010-08-27T20:27:00.000-04:00

Today I was accused by a parent in front of my principal of purposefully and knowingly sabotaging a student's project last year because I hate the child.

Talk about a dagger to the heart.

Sleepy Time

2010-08-25T21:13:00.002-04:00

I'm up at 5:00am every morning now. Ry usually wakes me up once around 3am or twice around 1am and 4:30am each night. I get up, shower quickly, make my oatmeal, and feed the baby for as long as she will eat (usually 40 minutes still). Nate gets up at 6am and comes downstairs to load the cars with all the bags (diaper bag, pump, his laptop, my purse, lunches, his cooler), takes the baby when I'm done feeding her, loads her into the carseat and 4/5 days a week, takes her to the sitter's.

We leave at the same time, and we're both on the road for 40 minutes before we pull in to work.

I work. All day. Love the kids. Love my job. Find myself smiling at every possible chance. When I'm in front of my kids, I am truly happy and fulfilled.

2:52 rolls around, and I finish up grading and copying. No later than 3:30, I pack up my things (pump bag, now-empty lunch bag, purse) and leave to drive 40 minutes to pick up Ry. Pick her up, feel all warm and mushy inside when I see her beautiful face, drive home, pull in the garage between 4:30 and 5:00pm.

Immediately pump then feed Ry when we get home. Make dinner around 5:40ish. Eat at table with hubby and baby on table in her bumbo. Nate clears table, loads/runs dishwasher while I take baby upstairs for bath/wipedown. I put her into a new onesie and feed her again around 7:00pm. By 7:00-7:30, she's desperate to go to bed, so I take her up to the bassinet in our bedroom.

Back downstairs to clean bottles, pack diaper bag, pack pump, pack lunches, and have everything lined up on the island ready to go in the morning. This brings us to about 8:30 when I go up to the office to 1) Check my school emails, 2) Check my Facebook, 3) Check on blogs. By 9:00-9:30, I go to bed.

Those are my days. I now understand why people say there just isn't enough time in the day!!!

One More

2010-08-19T20:28:00.002-04:00

Only one weekday left before I return to work. I am so, so sad :(

I already have a parent upset with me (a carry over from last year) and my first meeting (with said parent and my principal) scheduled for next Friday. The third day of school.

And I thought I was going to start off on the right foot....

I haven't even started yet and I can feel my heart breaking at the thought of seeing Ry so little during the week.

This is it :(

2010-08-14T13:04:00.003-04:00

First, some pictures...

Here's Baby at 3 months, 1 week loving her bath time. Just 3 months ago, baths were like torture for my little lady, but now she absolutely loves them.

She's got excellent head control now and when she wants to, she will hold herself up for loooooong periods of time.

These last few pictures are from about 2 1/2 months. Here she is finally enjoying her Bumbo. She now loves sitting in it at the dinner table while Daddy and I eat.

Merlot decided she needed to be babied and plopped her behind down in Ry's Boppy.

This WAS Ry's favorite toy and favorite place to be until recently. When we first started using the play gym, she would just lay there and look at the toys. Now, she not only reaches for, grabs, and pulls on the toys, she rolls herself to the side to stick them in her mouth. Her NEW favorite toy and place to be is the walker at her Mammaw's house (pics to come).

On to the business...

This will be my last week home with my baby until next summer (not including vacations like Christmas break that go by too fast, anyhow). I am a complete mix of emotions.

On one hand, I am glad to go back to school. As I've said a bajillion times before, I love teaching, and I can't wait to be back in my classroom. Plus, being away from Ry during the day will allow me to actually and fully enjoy the time I have with her in the evenings and on weekends.

On the other hand, I am going to miss so much. For 9-10 hours a day, 4-5 days a week, she is going to be with someone else. Someone else is going to get to watch her grow, feed her, comfort her, and play with her. She's going to be looking into someone else's face when she smiles and laughs.

I'm also a little nervous that going back to work will inevitably lead to the end of my ability to breastfeed. Right now, my schedule at work is totally conducive to pumping, which is awesome. But the few times I've tried to pump at work over the summer when I've gone in (with NO ONE there!), I've been so nervous that someone would unlock my door and walk in on me (despite the "Do not disturb" sign I posted over the keyhole) that I've barely been able to pump anything. It's like pee anxiety--you know, when you go to the bathroom and can't pee because people can hear--it's the same type of feeling. I keep reminding myself, though, that I've already breastfed for a lot longer than most moms are able because of my delayed return to work.

I'm just a mess of emotions right now. I feel like I've been away from the world for the last 4 months--no classes, no work, no meetings, no stacks to grade, nothing. Just me, my home, and my family. In one week, though, it's back to reality. I'm going to miss this little vacation I have had since April 21...

2 Goals for 2010-2011

2010-08-11T20:12:00.002-04:00

I was reading this book called Teach Like a Champion, and while it gives some great, specific, step-by-step ideas for being a "champion" teacher, I don't think all of the ideas are...hmm--what's the word...the most practical ideas in the world. While I got a lot of great ideas (such as the "No Opt-Out" technique which basically tells you to keep working with a student who is reluctant to answer a question), I don't think these ideas quite match what I was looking for when I wrote a few weeks ago about wanting to be a better teacher.

So, I came to my own ideas for techniques and philosophies to try. I'm going to work on them in small, manageable chunks rather than heaping a whole lot of "new" on myself at the beginning of the school year.

Goal #1: Fix Attendance-Taking Procedures!
I have issues with remembering to take attendance, which is NOT a good thing! I remember to mark tardies, but I forget to mark and keep track of absences (excused or unexcused) and whether or not I am supposed to accept missed assignments for the absence. School policy is that a student who is out on an unexcused absence and fails to turn in an excuse note cannot turn his/her work in for a grade and will receive a 0 for missed assignments. The last couple of years, I've accepted pretty much any assignment without discretion simply because I wasn't doing a good enough job of keeping up with attendance. This year, my goal is to QUICKLY do attendance at the beginning of the period on paper rather than online. I can transfer my paper attendance to the online system at the end of the day or once a week during my conference period, depending on which is easier.

Goal #2: Be Optimistic About Mankind, in General, and More Specifically, Teenagers
I've realized that I always seem to assume the worst about teenagers. For some reason, I ALWAYS assume they are lying to me. When it's an excuse about homework, my first assumption is they are lying. When they tell me sensitive things, I find myself assuming they are lying for attention. This is the wrong way to approach people! There is a very fine line, though, between believing in the honesty and goodness of human being and being taken advantage of. My main philosophical goal this year is to trust in people more. Just because I may have lied about homework or lied/embellished the truth to get attention doesn't mean that EVERY teenager does it. I'm going to work on this from day one.

It's a Friday...

2010-07-30T15:14:00.002-04:00

...so why not?

There are only a few weeks left in my extended summer break, and I can still say I am ready to go back. It hurts my heart to think that I will no longer be with Ry for the majority of the day since the babysitter will she her for like 10 hours a day and I'll only see her from 4:30 until she goes to sleep around 8 :(

This mothering thing is getting steadily easier, but I do sense myself becoming increasingly anxious about things, in general. Let me step aside from this thought to talk about my anxiety issues...

Starting around 6 years ago, I suddenly became a big-time germaphobe. When I think about germs, I see them as like a green aura emanating off everything: peoples' hands, doorknobs, student desks, etc. When people sneeze or cough, it's like I can see a mist of germs shooting all over the place. I honestly think all this started when I first started subbing/teaching and saw the disgustingness that is a high school classroom. Since then, I carry my Purell with me everywhere. I should also point out that buffets are the WORST. Have you ever thought about the innumerable hands that touch those spoons in the buffet line? It's completely disgusting if you think about it.

Over time, I've become slightly less concerned about germs. When it comes to Ry I'm surprisingly not as worried about it. I want her to be exposed to germs so she can build up immunities to them. But I still wash my hands frequently (especially if they feel even slightly dirty, or if I've touched a high traffic object, or if I've been somewhere that seemed dirty), and I still see the green aura when I think about it too much. Some people's dirt doesn't bother me; with some, I hardly think about germs. But with other people, places, and situations, I have a hard time NOT thinking about it.

In the last couple of years, I've also suddenly developed a fear of driving as well as riding in cars. Certain situations in vehicles (someone not slowing fast enough, the thought that someone isn't watching where they are going, traffic, having to merge onto or off of the freeway, switching lanes, etc.) make me so nervous I start to feel like there's a weight on my chest and I can't breathe. Sometimes, I go so far as to drive well out of my way just to avoid an intersection or an anxiety-producing situation. The driving anxiety has gotten worse since Ry because I am paranoid that someone will not be paying attention and will hit me.

Now, back to my original point...I feel anxious about Ry getting bigger. For example, she's maybe got a month or so left in the bassinet because she's only an inch or two away from touching the top and the bottom at the same time. I am not ready to move her into her bedroom yet, especially since I'm still breastfeeding. I'm not ready for her to be so far away. Plus, she looks so little in her crib. Obviously, I can't keep her little forever!

About the whole anxiety thing, yes, I have thought about talking to my doctor, but I'm just not willing to admit that I might need some sort of medication to help get these issues under control. I once heard that exercising 30 minutes a day helps reduce anxiety...now if only I could make the choice to work that into my life, lol.

Background

2010-07-28T11:20:00.001-04:00

Yes, I am ready for fall.

Yes, I know it is still awhile away.

No, I am not changing my background until then :)

An Advocate for NORMAL Teenagers

2010-07-19T20:46:00.003-04:00

I am SO TIRED of the way teenagers are portrayed in popular TV shows. Let me break it down for you a little bit...

The Secret Life of the American Teenager: You cannot watch more than three minutes of the show without hearing some reference to sex, oral sex, and having babies. Even the once-modest, uber-Christian characters gave in and had sex several seasons ago. Yes, the basis of the show was the initial pregnancy, but since she had the baby, we've hardly seen the little one. In fact, Amy has been able to continue her life as planned (pretty easily, I should add) because of the help of her family and a plethora of babysitters. Is this real life? No. While I'm not in denial that teenagers have sex (I think the current statistic is 50% of 14 year olds have done so), the fact that unprotected sex by teens is seemingly held as both normal and expected by shows like this exacerbates the problem. If they think it's normal and ok, they will do it.

The Vampire Diaries: First, I should say that I love this show. I love it because I know all of the actors are in their 20's, so I don't feel like such a teeny-bopper watching it. These 20-somethings play high school students, which you know, is fairly normal nowadays; HOWEVER, at every party they attend, they are always drinking. Drinking so much so that it is easy to forget they are playing teenagers. Shows such as this one make drinking seem completely normal, like it's expected at high school parties. I did not drink in high school, and again, while I accept that I am in the minority, I think making drinking look normal exacerbates the problem. It is not only NOT NORMAL for all teenagers to drink, it is also ILLEGAL.

Finally, Pretty Little Liars: This show is definitely my new secret addiction, and it is SUCH a teeny-bopper show! My issue with this show is how bitchy the group of girls is. I have come to my own conclusion that there is no human being worse than a teenage girl. There is something that happens to them that makes them go from "Mommy's little princess" in one moment to "Evil backstabber" the next. Teenage girls are awful. Their drama is awful. Their aggression and inability to control their feelings is awful. However, again, shows like this cause the problem to get worse. Teenage girls who watch this show might think it is completely normal to be aggressive and outright mean to others. Instead of retaining what semblance of emotional control they have, teenage girls might give in to their aggression/emotions completely to be like the girls in this show.

But, I'm also disturbed by shows like Huge, which make it seem like it's ok to be overweight. Unfortunately, normal in the U.S. is overweight these days, and I am a member of this majority. But we hear more and more about 1 in 3 children having diabetes. When that is the statistic, we should be doing everything we can to set better food and exercise standards for our kids. I certainly need to jump on this bandwagon as I should be setting a better example for both my students and Rylee. Shows like Huge make obesity look ok. They make fat seem normal and fun. Shoot, if I want to go hang out at fat camp over the summer I have to be fat, right? Why not eat that extra Twinkie.

Basically, I'm just saying it's no wonder we can't get our kids to live better, be more self-confident, and treat each other and the rest of society better. There are no good examples of teenagers on television--there is nothing for these kids to base their lives on!

Changing Perspective

2010-07-18T22:30:00.003-04:00

I've started somewhat of a nightly routine with Ry. Every night, she eats at 8pm and is ready to head upstairs at 8:30/9-ish. When we get up to the bedroom (our bedroom as she is still sleeping in the bassinet), she gets a fresh diaper, I swaddle her in a blanket, and she actually pays attention and sits quietly while I read a book (The Very Hungry Caterpillar or Goodnight Moon). I read the book over and over again until she can't pay attention. Then, I put her in the bassinet, turn the vibration and water sounds on, check to make sure the monitor is plugged in, and she falls asleep within five minutes. The whole thing takes about an hour.

Tonight, while going through our routine, I started to think, "I'm never going to have the time to do this once the school year starts! Poor girl, she'll have to go to bed without all of this attention." Suddenly, I had an epiphany! If I stop giving her this attention because of all the grading, planning, and etc. I have to do for my job, then I am putting my job first. If I can't find the time to be her mom because I am a teacher, then teaching is more important than my daughter. And...THAT IS NOT GOING TO BE THE CASE. No longer will I say I don't have time to have a life because I am a teacher. Grading, planning, and etc. can wait--those are my secondary priorities. If I am running out of time and I have to choose between being Mrs. H and being Mommy, Mommy needs to win out every time, and anything that takes me away from being the best possible mom I can be isn't worth my time.

For some, this mindset comes easy, being a mom comes naturally and everything else inherently takes backseat to motherhood. For me, though, I've been driven, motivated, hardcore, Type A my entire life, and being responsible for another person and depended on by that person is a new concept. I guess that's why being a mother makes people put their lives into perspective. There is nothing, absolutely nothing and no one more important than Baby Ry. If ever my actions do not demonstrate this, then it is time to reevaluate and make some changes.

Family starts at home

2010-07-10T16:08:00.002-04:00

All of my grandparents' property, including the house I grew up in, was put on the market this week as a development or extensive rehab opportunity. I'll come back to this property in a minute.

Mammaw's family reunion was today. Her sister, Shelby, gave a touching speech to recognize all of the people who are no longer, including both my grandparents. I couldn't help but to shed a tear or two wishing they could meet Rylee, wishing they hadn't had to go so soon, wishing I had had just a little more time to show them all I would become as a result of their faith and belief in me.

Shelby has spent some time working on this ginormous family tree notebook. It's literally an attempt at recording our HUGE family: all the limbs, branches, roots, etc. All the way back to my grandma's grandparents.

Back to the property, for a second. As I've said before, there are three houses on my grandparents' land. The house are old...so old that in the original deeds to the property, it explicitly states that the property is not to be sold to "negroes". I'm almost embarrassed typing that, but the deed is a product of the time in which it was written. The houses are as old as the original deed, and they are almost completely dilapidated. There's the house my grandparents lived in, the "blue house", and "1820". All three are about 100 feet apart, and I spent my childhood living in 1820, but running among the three as all were occupied by some portion of my family.

Flash to the reunion...while looking through the family history, I saw that my grandma's mom, Fannie, lived in the blue house WAY back in the day, which first, indicates how long those properties have been in my family, and second, show how important those properties really are to my heritage.

So...family that has lived in my grandparents' house...obviously, my grandparents, my great-aunt and her son, my mom, dad, and I when I was first born ALL lived there at some point. The blue house...my aunt and her daughter, my great-grandma on my grandpa's side and her second husband (before she was moved into a nursing home), my great-aunt and her son, and my great-grandma on my grandma's side (who worked at the nursing home where my other great-grandma was eventually placed). I'm not as sure about 1820, but I know we lived there for 10 years before my grandparents started using it as a rental property.

As I wrote in a blog a long time ago...it is going to be sad to see all those houses go. And now, it is going to be even moreso sad because I know how important that little piece of land has been to my family for some decades. It's weird how a short string of houses on one lonely, dead end street, can be so used by one family.

This oughta be funny!

2010-07-09T10:07:00.002-04:00

My mom found my very first EVER diary the other day. I had kind of forgotten that I had it in the first place. I think it starts around when I was 9 years old-ish. The entries are way TOO funny to not post in a blog!

Here's some entries...grammar and spelling errors as written in diary!

"Sep 29, 1991
Today I am very giggley cause it is my Birthday party. I got to be in a parade and throw candy. I played a few games and rides. There was only 7 rides. And no place had a scoter.

School--30
I had to wash Rocky's tools. and I got my very frist scoter.

Oct 3
Today was the sadist day of my life. Sherry Pence had to move. So I rote to her before She left. And when she was there I gave her a hug And said I will miss you. And sarted to cry.

Wedsday 2
Today I went to the laundry mat. And to the gas station to get some milk and I met a girl named May she Was 8 too so I played with her untill We had to leave.

Friday 4
6:00-9:00
70+50+120+40=150, 330<--right I think [I have NO CLUE what this was about!!!]

Nov 2
Today I had too go to my grandma's house because my mom had to go to my school. I just started bowling by my fingers so I only got 55 points. love Chris

N. 3
Today I had to go to church.

Mon. 11
Today I met my boyfriend Billy Uh Oh Ugg And my cousin Sherry came over.

1/18/92
Today is sat. I went to Cosi insted of bowling."

Let me pause for a moment and point out a couple of things...1) Apparently, I didn't know how to write dates, so I kept trying things in case I would get one correct, 2) I'm astonished by the things that were important to me, and 3) beginning with this next entry, I all of a sudden switched to writing in cursive and complete sentences, but the random rambling of these sentences is still equally funny.

"April 18, 1992
Today I am writing because of something very hard to deal with. A divorce. Mom and dad talked with me and Rocky. Dand said "It's not that we don't love you we just think it's for the best." And we got to see his apartment. And I get to cook!"

That should get you giggling a bit. I'll add some more later on :)

"What's going on?"

2010-07-06T21:37:00.002-04:00

That seemed to be my frequently repeated question for Rylee who spent at least 3/4 of her 13 hours awake from 7am to 8pm crying and/or screaming her head off. Today was just one of those difficult days when you can't quite tell what's going on, but you definitely know something is not going well.

The day started with a trip to Mom's to let the dog out. Easy enough.

Then, a stop at M&E with Kristen, which was AWESOME!!! Love getting to hang out with her and hear all the excellent things going on in her life. I would hope to someday be friends with some of my students the she is with me, but I think I lack that super caring and compassionate gene that she exhibits so naturally. Halfway through lunch, Ry decided it was time to go all baby-style on me and cry. This was just the beginning of her crazy crying day.

2:40 was her 2-month doctor's appointment. At 23 inches, she is in the 75th percentile for height, and at 12 pounds 12 ounces, she is in the 90th percentile for weight (which the doc said is to be expected when they're so long). Ry got her first round of shots, and it nearly broke my heart to hold her arms while they were administered. I turned her little smiling face away from the nurse and toward me, and I kissed her little chunker cheeks throughout the process. I might have found my reaction and my attempt to soothe her embarrassing in a past life, but with Mommydom comes a loss in the sense of embarrassment; I could think of nothing except soothing her while she screamed. Poor, poor baby.

From there, the crying was basically nonstop. She was so, so, so tired, but she couldn't sleep. I think her little thighs were tender from the shots...She pretty much cried from 4:30 when we got home, until 8:30 when she finally fell asleep.

Then, I ate way too many marshmallows and pieces of Hershey's chocolate in an "I'm only going to eat one...Ooops! Where'd the whole bag go??" fit.

You know what? The day is over. The crying is done. My baby is soothed and sleeping. I am still a good mommy, and I still love her sweet little cheeks.

A Friendly Sidebar

2010-06-30T14:07:00.002-04:00

Last night during my marathon Twilight movie spectacular, I started thinking about something sort of random.

Think back to when you were a kid. Your parents took you to a park where other kids were running around and it would be mere minutes before you were elbows deep in the mud or running around a baseball diamond or chatting it up on the swings with complete strangers (other kids, I mean...not creepy old men or anything weird like that). Making friends and being social is natural for children; all it takes is a moment of commonality and *bam* you have a new friend.

Throughout your years in school, making new friends was as easy as starting a new school year or getting a new class schedule. Each new set of faces brought new opportunities for friendships; at the beginning of the school year, the person assigned to sit next to you may have been a stranger, but two weeks into the class, you were suddenly best buds and hanging out at the movies on the weekends.

College is when these friendships and this ability to make friends starts to wane. Suddenly, you are friends with your peers while in classes with them, but as soon as the final exam is finished, that friendship is over. You have that awkward moment of saying, "Uh...good luck in life. Nice to know you," then that person is gone just as quickly as they showed up.

Once college is finished, it seems like a person's ability to make and keep good friends is finished as well (at least in my life). I have two close friends that I have had since those friendship-foundation years in high school, and that's really about it. I can even feel the closeness of those friendships slipping away now as we all move on with marriages, families, careers, and life. Meeting people at this stage in life is not as easy as just showing up to the park or getting the luck of the draw in class; meeting people takes work and effort. You have to put yourself out there and talk to strangers--and where exactly do you GO to put yourself out there and talk to strangers? So much of social networking is done online these days, and if you aren't one to sit around on chatboards, Facebook, or forums, or if you don't have enough time to devote to building online relationships (and really, who does??), how does contemporary social networking extend to offline friendships?

I guess what I'm saying is I didn't realize how my social life was changing so drastically until I tried taking a Mommy's Night Off and realized I didn't have anyone to call. I didn't realize how much work maintaining friendships was until I started feeling like my closest friends were being pulled away by circumstances (the fact that my husband doesn't necessarily get along with either of my closest friends' significant others doesn't help either..). And I certainly didn't realize how important having a social circle was until I started thinking about what it would take to rebuild one.

MY PANTS FIT AGAIN

2010-06-29T14:16:00.001-04:00

45 pounds in 7 weeks.

That is all :)

"When you stop learning, you might as well be dead"

2010-06-28T08:59:00.002-04:00

I knew the time would come eventually; I am ready to go back to school. I'm either going to start back at A.shland in January and take a class or wait and go back next summer to take all the classes I need at once. I have two academic goals that I would like to achieve in the near future...

1) Finish the few remaining classes I have for my Administrative license in curriculum and instruction. What am I going to do with that license in an economy where admin jobs in curriculum are few and far between? I don't know...maybe work for the Department of Education one day? Curriculum and instruction are areas in which I am VERY interested, so having the license would be a step in the right direction.

Once I get 15 semester credit hours (5 semester classes), I get a nice $5,000-$8,000 bump in pay, so I would like to whip all these out before fall of the 2011-2012 school year. "Whipping" classes out used to be sooooo easy for me since I'm such an academic workhorse and love to "play school." But...with Rylee now, I'm not sure how easy that is going to be. I have to find a babysitter and schedule classes around that, my time at home has to be divided between her and everything else that would need to be done (no more 4-hour obsessive compulsive work/study sessions!).

2) I want to find out about auditing some undergrad (or grad if they'll let me) classes in the field of English/Literature--specifically, American Lit. I miss taking classes, reading, and getting to discuss what we read. I miss taking lecture notes and learning new things. Yes, I could do massive amounts of research online to learn new things, but where do you even begin to do that research?? For some reason, I thought once I started teaching there would always be a plethora of other teachers around who would want to read and talk about books, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I don't know anything about the auditing process, but I hope it means I can take the class (maybe at a reduced rate???), participate in the discussions, and not necessarily have to write the papers, take the exams, etc.

I love going to school. I love learning about things I am interested in. I DON'T like doing "professional development" classes/workshops/seminars about things in which I am not interested (particularly "fad" educational workshops that focus on fleeting fad ideas).

You can graduate the kid (twice!), but you can't make the kid stay away from your college or university.

Morning Cup O' Joe

2010-06-23T09:25:00.002-04:00

If you're tired of reading the baby news, skip to the second half of this post where I talk about a book I recently read :)
I might finally understand how this "daily schedule with a child" thing works.

Rylee has been showing up for a couple weeks now that she wants to go to bed at 9pm, but I haven't been getting the hint. She usually eats around 8:30pm and until about 2 weeks ago, she would eat again around 12:30am. I would stay up until 12:30 to feed her and then go to bed myself.

When her schedule started changing and she stopped waking up at 12:30 (and started sleeping until 2:30am or 4:30am depending on her level of exhaustion), I didn't notice it. I would stay awake and eventually wake her up to eat around 12:30am.

Last night, Nate and I were tired, so I fed her at 8:30pm (as always) and put her to bed with us. We both fell asleep soon after and she let me sleep 5.5 hours!!

In the mornings, she east sometime around 7am and goes back to sleep until 11ish. Having gone to bed last night a 9pm, I was ready to get up at 7am this morning. So, here I am...enjoying a few hours of Me Time while she finishes up her morning sleep.

Wow! Who would have thought that just listening and paying attention to her cues would make my life seem more enjoyable???

The Last Lecture
In other news, I am thoroughly enjoying this summer. When I have time I am getting a lot of reading done. I finally had the chance to read The Last Lecture, which is a memoir by Randy Pausch. Pausch had been diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer when he delivered his lecture (later becoming the basis for the book) in which he encouraged people to follow their dreams and live a fulfilling and good life. I missed out on reading it in its prime when many, many people were reading it. If I remember correctly, it came out soon after my grandpa died of pancreatic cancer, and I just wasn't ready to read it at that time. Having read it now, I highly, highly recommend it. Pausch had three small kids who, unfortunately, would be left to grow up without their dad, and he delivered his lecture to leave a piece of himself behind for his kids.

What I loooove about literature is the legacy an author/writer leaves. That's part of the reason why I have always kept journals and now, this blog...When I am dead and gone some day, I want something to live on. If I blog, then I existed. My life will always be kept alive through print and people long into the future will know that I was a real person with thoughts, a life, a being. I guess I'm desperate to not be forgotten, and while that was only part of Pausch's purpose in writing his memoir, it's amazing to me that through this memoir he will survive long into the future. In that respect, he certainly outlived his cancer.

I wish my grandparents had left behind legacies of this tangible nature. I wish Rylee had journals from my grandma that she could read and learn from. In the future, my grandparents (as is the case with the majority of people who pass away) will be long forgotten, their existence less than a mere blip in the history of humankind. But books like Pausch's last forever; hopefully, blogs like this will last forever (yes, I'm getting this bad boy printed out into a book at the end of each year, lol), and HOPEFULLYmy experiences will leave behind some legacy of myself.

I'm off the soapbox now, just read the damn book :)

Failures

2010-06-18T12:48:00.002-04:00

I'm having a bit of a teacher dilemma today. The list of student failures which shows student names, teacher names, and grades went out today, and I saw my name all over that list. All-in-all, out of the 120 students I have in English 9 (not counting my yearbook kids, obviously), almost 10 kids (8%) failed my class either one or both semesters.

Let me tell you what steps I took to help these kids be successful...I called home and spoke to parents who would speak to me; I stayed after school until 9pm on conference nights to be available for parent conferences; I sent letters home to parents who I couldn't reach by phone or email; I gave the kids plenty of work time to do homework, read, write, work, etc.; Our school policy gives them the opportunity to turn work in late for a 60%; I tried to make my lessons engaging and interesting; I kept on kids who were missing assignments or who I observed not working; I moved kids who had low grades to the very front of the class so I could keep a good eye on them; I keep daily up-to-date calendars and grades/tracking missing assignments on our online grading system which both parents and students have access to.

I feel like I try my best to encourage kids, but I will be the first to admit that I sometimes give up. I have a few students who failed my class with 15% and lower. Do I believe they are capable of doing better? Absolutely. But why and how do I keep encouraging them when they don't do anything? There is no worse feeling, I think, than putting myself out there (as the teacher) and telling a kid I want him to be successful and to have that same kid, week after week, sit in my class doing nothing. I am personally disappointed when I see that 8% of my kids failed, and I wonder what I could do any differently. After all, that's all we hear about from administrators, parents, society, and the Federal government, "If kids fail, it's because the teachers are failing them!" So, what is it I can do differently? How do I help these kids learn what I want them to learn without sacrificing my expectations?

Looking forward to next year...I'm trying to figure out what I need to work on for myself as a person to be a better teacher. I know I'm tough, and by tough I mean that tears and excuses fall on deaf ears with me...But maybe I need to be a little more compassionate? Maybe I need to spend more time getting to know the misfits and the outcasts because the "popular", "funny", and "loud/obnoxious" kids tend to gravitate toward me. So, how do I build a rapport with the misfits and outcasts? How do I keep from giving up on those kids who aggravate me when they do nothing in my class? How do I make learning more accessible without giving away the answers?

And the even tougher question...in a 47-period class of 25-28 kids, how do I zero in on the one that needs my help and give him the encouragement/motivation he needs to be successful?

Failures make me feel like I have failed, but I still hold to my conviction that ALL I can do as a teacher is give access to knowledge and education; it is ultimately up to the student to choose to learn. Am I truly giving each and every one of my students the best possible access to what I am trying to teach them? If not, how can I change?

Let's be honest for a minute...

2010-06-15T19:43:00.002-04:00

I had my 6-week checkup today and found out that I have lost 40 POUNDS since delivering Little Bit :) I've got about 3 pounds left until I'm at my pre-pregnancy weight, 27 pounds until I'm at my pre-infertility weight, 37 pounds until I'm at my wedding weight, and 77 pounds until I weigh what my BMI says I should weigh. Whatever! I'm just going to be happy with losing so much of this baby weight so quickly!

The midwife asked about how I'm feeling, and I admitted some things to her that I have only really admitted to my friends/Mom/Nathan. Having said them aloud, Becky (my m/w) said I should share these things with other people to help take the mystery out of becoming a mom. I told her no one told me how becoming a mom really felt, and I was convinced for the first few weeks of motherhood that I was the world's worst mother because I didn't feel what I assumed all women were supposed to feel. Apparently, feeling the way I felt (wow, there's a lot of "feel" in the last couple sentences) is more normal than that jaded misconception that women automatically love their children unconditionally and think their babies are the most beautiful, wonderful, magical beings to ever walk the green earth.

Let me take a moment to be honest about my first few weeks of motherhood...

As I've said before, when Rylee first came out, my first two thoughts were 1) What are those birthmarks all over her face and how am I going to hide them for the rest of her life? and 2) Why is she cross-eyed??? I did not love her automatically. I did not feel like I would take a bullet for her. In fact, I was a little disappointed that pregnancy ended that way. Where was my perfect, beautiful, angelic baby? Why was I embarrassed of her "stork bites"? Why did I love her??

For the next few weeks, those feelings hardly faded. I felt miserable like I was failing as a mom and as a human being. Yes, my whole life had changed and I resented Rylee and this new responsibility for that. The difference between this feeling and postpartum depression was that I accepted this new fate, dealt with it, and knew I would eventually feel better about the whole situation, but I would have preferred to be able to maintain my previous life while learning this new life. I still couldn't honestly say that I loved her unconditionally and would take a bullet for her. She was just here, and I was just doing what I was supposed to do. I felt like a horrible mother for thinking this way, but again, I had faith things would eventually get better.

Slowly...as she and I learned to be mother and daughter, the love grew. I feel it growing more and more every day. I feel myself becoming protective, and I find myself frequently marveling at how gorgeous she really is. Sometimes, I still find myself wondering if people actually think she's cute or if they just say that because they don't want to hurt my feelings. Sometimes, I get so frustrated not knowing why she is crying. But I feel so much better now about being her mom. Love, for me, was not automatic; it was slow, and it took time to grow into.

So, I guess what I'm saying to those to-be moms is to take what you hear about motherhood with a grain of salt. Not everyone feels the way it's shown in the movies or on tv. You may not cry when you first see your baby's face; hell, you may actually be angry when you first see it--especially if that little head just ripped your woman parts wide open. But keep in mind that there is nothing wrong with you. You aren't crazy for having not-so-great feelings. You aren't a bad mom, and you aren't going to be one of those mothers on tv who get so fed up and shake their kids or anything. You will have the patience to deal with your frustration, and eventually, no matter how slowly, you will learn to love that baby.

Spread the word and take the mysticism and myth out of motherhood.

A New Classroom

2010-06-10T14:05:00.003-04:00

If you'll remember from my last post, one of the pros of switching grade levels was that I didn't have to change classrooms. Well, I found out Monday evening (after a staff meeting that I was unable to attend) that it had been decided by our admin I WOULD be changing classrooms. I'm moving across the hall and our new 9th grade teacher will take over my room.

My initial reaction was, obviously, to get pretty pissed. This move is completely illogical. There is no rational reason to move me across the hall to what was once a computer lab (i.e. NO desks, no bookshelves, no closets, etc.) when there are two other rooms in my hall that will be open due to a retirement and a resignation. I have racked my brain over this, and I honestly cannot find the logic.

Another teacher was also moved, and his move is much farther than mine as he is currently in a completely different hallway. He was also not informed of the move prior to the staff meeting, and needless to say, is pretty pissed himself as he has been in his classroom for 9 years!

Because I don't see the logic or the rationale behind this, I find it in very poor taste that this decision was made and the people who were to be directly affected received no heads-up prior to the meeting in which everyone was informed. I especially find it in bad taste that I had to find out from peers through email and text messages instead of from my boss.

A classroom becomes a teacher's second home, whether that is fortunate or unfortunate, I don't know, lol...For 182 days a year (plus any summer days), the teacher spends more time in her classroom than at her own home! For the admin to simply decide, "Hey, you're moving" for NO APPARENT reason seems just wrong to me. How would a principal like it if the superintendent came in and said he/she could no longer use his/her office? They wouldn't.

To make matters worse, I went to the teacher work day yesterday hoping to get my room completely moved--one less thing to worry about over the summer, right? Well, my new room is being worked on, which means I can't move until later this summer, which ALSO means I now have to get my room moved without being paid for it. How fair is that? Ugh....

Luckily, I don't have that much to move, and Nathan is planning to come help me one day when he is off. As we further and further away from the initial shock of finding out I was losing my space, I feel slightly less perturbed by the whole matter. I DO feel like this was some sort of personal attack-type issue because of the lack of logic, but whomever made this decision has also given me a chance to get rid of some of the clutter from my class and redesign my space. I guess that is the positive of the whole situation.

If I could just teach and not be bothered/pestered by the administration, I would be sooooo thankful. But I guess we all have bosses no matter what field we are in.

The Weekend

2010-06-06T23:22:00.003-04:00

Nate's amazing and wonderful grandparents made a rare trip to Ohio from their home far away in rural Pennsylvania. They came out to see the house and (more importantly) meet their second great-grandchild. For being almost 80 and 70 years old, his grandpa and grandma seem much younger. We haven't seen them since the wedding reception in 2007, and since Nate spent 3 years living with them during his teens, it's great to finally have them around!

We had a cookout on Saturday with his parents, my parents, and his grandparents. Last week, we finally invested in some outdoor furniture, a canopy, and bricks/a fire pit to build our own custom firepit in the yard. We spent a lot of time this weekend hanging outside and chatting. Quality time for Nate and his family.

Yay!! We finally got a little smile on camera. There is NOTHING more amazing in the world than seeing her gummy smiling face first thing in the morning. Such a happy baby!

Here she is with her only great-grandpa. It's bittersweet to see this picture because I would have love to see her with my own Pappaw; instead, I'll just have to imagine what that picture would have looked like.

Nate's family in a rare family photo. I'm happy they were all able to get together (and that the event wasn't ruined by anyone's bitchiness!).

Rylee with her great-grandma. I found myself frequently thinking about my grandparents this weekend. Man...I miss them so much. Rylee will never know it, but her life will miss out on something by not having them in it.

Awesome weekend. Planning a night with friends around the firepit next Friday. Glad we are finally in a position in our lives to have people over :)

Randoms

2010-06-04T14:29:00.003-04:00

Before I share my most recent good news, let me reiterate that I love teaching freshmen. I think 9th graders are such a rare breed of human being, and I love getting to be my immature self when I teach. There is still a slight innocence to kids when they just enter high school; they haven't been as tainted by relationships, sex, drugs, responsibilities (or lack thereof), driving, work, etc. Freshmen still need you to tell them what to think, but they are just starting to figure out how to think for themselves. They are wonderful.

That being said, I am moving to teach sophomores next year. Our junior teacher is moving back to his hometown, so the 10th grade teacher (and a good friend of mine) is moving to the 11th grade, I am moving to the 10th grade, and there will be a 9th grade opening at our school next year. Some positive notes about this move...I will have the exact same kids I had this year= they know me and my expectations, and I KNOW what I taught them the previous year; these kids are a really great class--I only had 1 behavior-related write-up this year; I don't have to switch classrooms, which makes for a lot less moving during the summer; I will be teaching Honors II, which is the AMERICAN LIT class AND I HAVE WAITED MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE TO TEACH AN AMERICAN LITERATURE CLASS!!!!!!!!!!!

The only real negative, though it is quite a huge one, is that I will have to redo ALL of my lessons, read and prepare to teach brand new novels, create new quizzes, prepare new semester exams, read, read, read, make new Power Points, find new resources, prepare new lectures, etc., etc., etc. And with a new baby at home, it is going to be a rough year in terms of transition. I was JUST getting used to having all of my units/calendars/lesson plans ready each day without having to do much preparation, lol.

As much as I love being home with Rylee, I can't wait to be back in my classroom in the fall. I know I will regret saying that as the start date grows closer, but I love teaching and I can't wait to return. I love Rylee also, but there has to be a balance for me between being Mrs. H and Mommy...I can't live my life being just one; I would get soooo bored!!!

Ry (no, I don't call her that in real life, it's just shorthand) had her 1-month appointment today and she's doing well. She's having some pooping issues--going days at a time without pooping at all, but the dr. isn't concerned about it unless she goes longer than a week. She is in the 90th percentile for her height and 50th percentile for her weight, so it looks like she'll be a long and lean baby. Dr. said as she continues to get taller, it may look like she is actually losing weight, but that's probably not the case. No need to supplement my BM with formula or rice cereal to fatten her up. Ry is still working out that wonky eye she has (right eye still looks a little bulldog cross-eyed at times), and the "rash" that comes and goes throughout the day on her face and back is just from heat and we only need to worry if it starts to itch.

What else....what else....OH. I figured out the pumping issue a bit. I pump one side while she eats off the other, then I switch sides at the next feeding. That seems to get me about 5 ounces of milk a day and I'm finally growing a little supply for when I go back to work.

Nate's grandparents are coming to stay with us this weekend, which I am excited about because he hardly ever gets to see them and we finally have the space for his family to stay in our house! Cookout tomorrow with his parents, grandparents, and Mom & Bill; again, we finally have the space at our house to invite people over like this!

A Slave to my "lovely lady lumps"

2010-05-26T22:11:00.003-04:00

Really. I am a complete slave to my boobs. I've been breastfeeding since about half an hour after Ry was born, and no one ever told me how much WORK it is. It is literally a full-time job to breastfeed; I have no clue how Michelle Dug.gar has done it for the last 20 years!!!

I'm trying to pump to have a small arsenal of boob milk ready to go when I do go back to work in August, but I no sooner have 4 ounces together and frozen than she drinks it (mind you, I only give her a bottle once a day and only either if we are going somewhere or once in the evening before bed). This child drinks a 4 ounce bottle at 3 weeks old!!! So, I pump and pump and get a few ounces together, and she drinks it. I'm lucky to stay two days ahead of her for that one 4-ounce bottle!

Any suggestions on best practices for pumping while breastfeeding? I try to pump in between feedings (when she goes for a 3 or 4 hour stretch between eating), but she's been on an hourly schedule during the daytime this week, and there isn't time to pump (or do anything else, for that matter) in between. Has anyone out there pumped and breastfed? Do you pump while baby eats? Before? After? Just in between feedings? Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Tomorrow evening, I am taking a few hours off from Mommy duty for the FIRST TIME since she was born. Nathan is staying home with the lil one, and I'm heading out...to the library, target for hair dye, and I'm not sure what else. I need a few hours away; I think I've earned it :)

Time Flies!

2010-05-20T17:06:00.003-04:00

I didn't realize it had been almost two weeks since I last posted. Wow!

Not much to report, really. Each day is pretty much the same thing over and over again for now. I wake up whenever I can't get Rylee to go back to sleep (although I've learned a few little tricks for getting her to sleep longer, which tends to allow me on and off sleep until 11 or noon). I spend all day and night bouncing between breastfeeding, changing diapers, and trying to find time to pee and eat. Ry eats about every 2 hours during the day and varies between every 2-4 hours at night, and she eats anywhere from 40-60 minutes at a time. So, for example, if she eats at 2pm and eats until 3pm and is on one of her two-hour feeding days, she will eat again at 4pm giving me exactly one hour to either play with her (if she is awake), hold a binky in her mouth (if she's grumpy), take a nap (if she's sleepy), or eat/clean/pee. I can't complain about this "new life," though, because I really enjoy having her here. I love looking at her, watching her weird facial expressions while she sleeps, having her look at me so intently when I am holding her and talking to her. She's amazing--even if she does eat like a fat kid eats cake :)

I won't lie and say there aren't frustrating moments, though. I do get frustrated when she cluster feeds for 3 HOURS (yes, she eats and eats and eats for 3 HOURS) in the evenings. I get frustrated when I've just gotten her to sleep and I set her in the bassinet and she wakes up screaming again. I get annoyed when I only get 20 minutes of sleep before she wakes up again to feed. I get really frustrated when I've done everything I can think of (diaper, feed, binky, swaddle, walk around, play, check warm/cold, massage with lotion, etc.) and she is still crying. I sometimes even get annoyed because I feel like I'm a slave to my boobs...

...but all of this is only temporary. So after my fleeting moment of frustration, I remember this will be over soon and I'll miss it. Some day, she will be able to tell me what she wants, and I won't be shooting in the dark. Some day, she'll be eating solid foods, and she won't want/need my boobs anymore. Some day, I'll be back to sleeping through most of the night, and I'll be sad that she doesn't need me as much as she does right now.

I absolutely love this baby. She is the coolest thing that has ever happened to me.

I'll write again soon, I promise, and hopefully, I'll have something more interesting to talk about :)

I just love this picture of her. Would you believe she has EVEN MORE hair now and this picture was just taken a week ago??

The boppy pillow is the best invention ever.

More pictures

2010-05-08T18:53:00.004-04:00

I had to do one more post for a few more pics!
Friday on the way to the doctor

One day old

Three days old

With Uncle Rocky

With Aunt Roberta

Finally...

2010-05-08T17:08:00.003-04:00

a chance to update :)

First, let's do the long and dirty delivery story. Then, we'll do the fun pictures!!

Monday morning, I woke at 8:30am to this weird "pop" noise. My first thought was, "Wait...what was that???" So, I lay there for about 20 minutes waiting to see if it had been my water breaking because I had heard there is usually a pop noise when that happens. No water, no gushing, nothing for those 20 minutes. I decided to use the bathroom before trying to fall back asleep, and the minute I stood up, I had THE MOST INTENSE cramps of my life followed by gushes of water. Yes, my water had broken. I called Nathan, who unfortunately was about to get pulled away from his first day at his new promotion, called Mom, and texted all the people who have anxiously been waiting some news. I also called and left a voicemail for the midwife to find out what I needed to do.

About an hour later, Mom was here, Nathan was here, and the m/w called to say I could stay home until the contractions were unbearable, but that I needed to come in within 12-14 hours since my water had broken. Nathan, Mom, and I drove to his work to pick up his truck. During this time, Mom was timing my contractions which had been completely consistent since 20 minutes after my water broke: 2-3 minutes apart, lasting about 30 seconds, and bad enough that I had to focus to get through them.

By noon (4 hours into labor), we decided to go to the hospital. The contractions were way too fast, way too intense, and there wasn't enough downtime in between for me to catch my breath and prepare for the next one. I was worried about being sent back home from the hospital, but I was also in so much pain and worried that the baby would come faster than I thought. I hadn't heard of people having regular contractions like that completely out of the blue.

At the hospital, I was ready to kill the registration lady who kept trying to talk to me when I was in obvious pain. They took me to a triage room, I was 3cm dilated, 100% effaced and -2/-1 station. My water had definitely burst (duh!), and I was ready to be admitted.

By 1, I was ready for the epidural. Again, it was too much, too fast, too painful. So, they hooked me up with an epidural, which had to be placed twice because the first time, it hit my spine, and I was feeling better. I could still, tough, feel all of the contractions on my right side, which was STILL painful. When they tried to put me on my right side, though, the baby's heartrate would go crazy. By 2, the decision was made to up my epidural dose since my right side was still so painful. (Redose #1)

Contractions were still 100% regular 100% without pitocin. The nurses were absolutely amazed that I had had no pitocin and that these contractions were natural. Go my body for doing something right ON ITS OWN!!

Around 3, the decision was made to hook up an internal fetal heartrate monitor because of baby's rate fluctuations and a contraction intensity monitor. I was around 4/5cm dilated by this point. My contractions were a 10 out of 12!!!! My midwife said..."Well, there's your justification for the epidural. Some people complain that they need an epidural because they are in so much pain, but when we get them hooked up to the intensity monitor, they are only measuring a 3!! You're having WHOPPER contractions!!! Good for you!" So, I felt justification for dropping my unmedicated birth plan--there was no way I could have handled those intense contractions all day long!

Also around 3/4ish, my epidural wore off. I was back to crying through the contractions and having to be reminded to breathe. Baby's heartbeat was all over the place again as I waited for yet another redose. The redose finally came, and once again, my right side was unaffected. So...yet another redose was administered sometime around 5:30. I should mention here that these secondary redoses made me completely useless. My legs felt heavier than stone and as a result of the 4 IV bags of fluid I had pumped into me throughout the delivery, they probably WERE as heavy as stone! I did not like the epidural, but for the short periods of time that it worked, I had some relief.

At 7, I was 7 cm, and yet again, my epidural was gone. The decision was made to replace the epidural completely at this point. Apparently, I am just immune to anaesthetics, lol. I had it replaced.

At 8, 8 cm. 9, 9cm. By 10, the epidural was gone and I was extremely close to 10 cm!!! They did a small redose, but it was not enough to get me through pushing. Before the redose, I was BEGGING to be at 10 cm. I cannot begin to tell you how much pain I was in...if only from the discomfort from laying on my left side and being hooked up with so many tubes and hoses all day long (not to mention the intermittent oxygen mask, which drove me freaking nuts!). Redose was given, and I started pushing at 11.

I was hardcore about the pushing. I was ready to be finished, and I wanted desperately to get her out before the epidural wore off again. At midnight, the m/w came back to finish off delivery. I was, obviously, begging them to "get the baby out" but everyone kept telling me I was really close. So, I pushed...and pushed...and burned...and felt like my entire bottom would blow off...and I apologized for bodily functions over which I had no control...

Suddenly, I had been pushing for an hour and 45 minutes, and I felt her head pop about halfway out. At this point, they made me stop pushing for a minute, which SUCKED--her head felt like it was bigger than a basketball, and I remember screaming that I HAD to push...I HAD to push her out. One more push and *bam* baby was thrown on my belly. I'll be honest, I didn't have that first "Oh my gosh, it's my beautiful baby and I love her so much" moment. My first thought was, "How big was that freakin head? I've never felt so much pain in my entire existence!!!!"

A few minutes later, Rylee was whisked away and the crowd moved with her to weigh, measure, clothe, etc. I was left, stranded on the table with the m/w while she reassembled my parts. I had several internal 2nd degree tears, and I felt her stitching me up (minimum 20 stitches) because she said that area isn't sensitive enough to lidocaine for good numbness. The stitching last half an hour, at which point, Nathan finally brought the baby over and said, "You wanna hold her?" I looked at him and said, "I still have her poop and blood all over my arms" (because in that entire half hour...everyone forgot I existed, lol).

20 minutes later, while everyone was out of the room for a few, the labor nurse came in and said, "We need you to pee now. Do you want to walk to the bathroom or be hooked back up to the catheter?" Seeing as how I had no epidural and had just finished the reassembly process, I decided I'd get my sore arse up from the bed and go myself.

We stayed in the hospital until Wednesday afternoon (total of 36 hours?) when I was desperately ready to go home. The actual Mommy part of being in the hospital wasn't exhausting at all--I could've handled it pretty well at home, but everyone BUGGING you every couple of hours was a pain in the ass. How the heck are you supposed to rest and get any sleep if people keep coming to demand you to pee, push around on your belly and monitor your bleeding, give you painkillers, bring you food and take away the tray?

On the day of delivery and the day after, I thought there is no way I could ever do that again. Now that I'm home and seeing how wonderful and beautiful Rylee is and how insanely in love with her I am, I can't wait to have another. Every ounce of that pain was well worth the reward :)

Now for the fun stuff...

Almost there...

2010-04-27T09:55:00.004-04:00

While I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of this baby, I'm creating a list of things I SHOULD NOT do because they are detrimental to my psychological well-being. At the very top of that list is...watching A Baby Story on TLC. HOLY CRAP! There is nothing worse than watching what I'm about the go through a some point in the next week. So, no more baby story for now. It's more terrifying than informative.

Doctor's appointment today. Will update later.

Update from doc's appointment...
2 cm dilated
Still 80% effaced
Baby is -2/-1 station

Doc stripped my membranes. FYI--I think ONLY people with LONG fingers should strip membranes as the most painful part of that process was his knuckles bashing into my woman parts. Stripping membranes releases hormones that should help initiate labor; however, if the procedure is going to work, it will do so within 48 hours. It is now about 36 hours after I've had it done, and I've got nothing.

Next appointment is Tuesday. I will be begging for an induction at that point. Doc said yesterday that because my cervix is so favorable and my hip position and size are perfect for birthing a possibly larger baby, there is a less than 30% chance that induction would lead me to a c-section.

Maybe the full moon tonight will help things along?

Stats

2010-04-21T18:31:00.001-04:00

Little more than 1 cm dilated.

80% effaced.

-2 station.

Could be tonight or two weeks from now.

Will induce next week if I want as a result of +3 swelling. I'm a hot, swollen mess, lol

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love ya, Tomorrow...

2010-04-19T18:17:00.001-04:00

Only 1 day of work left, and I couldn't be happier.

Only a Little Complaining Time Left!!

2010-04-18T15:38:00.002-04:00

What I'm thinking these days: "Is that a cramp? Oh my gosh, that has to be a cramp! Should I time it? ... Nevermind, just gas"

Yesterday, I felt pretty good for the first time in a while. I had some (only a little, but still some) energy, and we actually made it to a couple stores, finished the thank you cards (with my supremely and completely NUMB fingers), cleaned a little, packed the hospital bags for myself and the baby, and Nathan dyed my hair.

Today, I am back to feeling like shit. Probably worse than I have ever felt. I'm tired, my hips feel like they are breaking, the swelling in my feet will not go down no matter how high and for high long I keep them elevated, and I am so ready to chop my right hand off just so I finally have some feeling in it. My eye is swollen, but that's related to the fact that I've had my contacts in WAY TOO LONG, but I can't take them out until tonight because I don't have any glasses. Boo to feeling like poop.

But like the title of this post says, there is only a little bit of complaining time left...then, it will FINALLY all be worth it. I hope all my aches and pains go away quickly after Miss Rylee comes along :)

I should make a very important note here about how insanely wonderful my husband has been especially in these last few weeks. When I am completely exhausted and sore and struggling just to make it to and from the bathroom, he is stepping up and taking care of so much. When my feet are so swollen they look like my toes are about to pop off, he massages them and keeps trying to come up with ideas that will help (like letting me elevate them on his legs at night or wrapping them in ACE bandages). He has been doing the cooking, cleaning, and taking care of everything. AND he does it all without complaining. It's like he knows it takes me MUCH longer and MUCH more effort to do things, so he just does them for me. I have never appreciated him as much as I do now, and I have never needed his help as much as I have in the last couple of weeks. I just keep thinking how awesome he is going to be as a dad and I'm so thankful that Rylee will get a shot at a much better father than I had!

This is all almost over. Only a couple days left of work before I begin my maternity leave on Wednesday--thank goodness.

Update from Doc

2010-04-14T17:31:00.002-04:00

Baby is measuring 7 pounds 6 ounces. She's gonna be a big'un, and I am beyond ready for her to get the heck out, but Big Bertha is hanging on...Maybe she knows it will be a long time until she can have chocolate again?

Amniotic level is at a 9, normal is 5-25cm.

Dilated 1 cm, 50% effaced, but head is not fully engaged yet.

Doc says he thinks I'll deliver in the next week. We'll see if he's right!

2010-04-13T18:53:00.002-04:00

Here's Charlie, who has made himself at home in the baby's newborn napper.

Too cute...in all honesty, I'm fairly certain that when the baby comes home, the cats will be in hiding until she's 2!

Here's me at 37 weeks and 4 days. I am pretty darn big.

Stretch marks are amazing. They literally show up overnight. On Wednesday during my 36 week, I didn't have them. Then, BAM! Overnight, I had little purple marks all over my lower belly. Same thing has happened this week...I went from little purple marks (about 1/2 inch long) to BIG purple marks (2-3 inches long) overnight. I've been using cocoa butter this entire pregnancy, so I hope they disappear soon.

Tomorrow is my 38-weeks appointment. I have another growth ultrasound to check the baby's weight and, I assume, another nonstress test to check that the good ole' placenta is still doing its job. My mom is going with me to this appointment since Nathan has to work and there was no way to work this around his schedule.

Again, I ask you....Is it too much to ask that tomorrow be the day? I am still desperate. I don't have my hospital bag packed yet, but I feel like doing so will jinx me or something. Please...and I mean PLEASE let tomorrow be the day!

That was it!

2010-04-11T11:32:00.002-04:00

That was MY LAST shopping trip alone for at least the next three weeks. I went to Walmart, and the whole experience was HORRIBLE. Let me tell you what went wrong...

First, let me say that I got up at 7:45am to get to the store before the crowds, which worked perfectly, but it was about the ONLY good part of the trip.

Then, my trip got crazy...

1. There was a spot up front (like right up front!), but as I started to pull into it, I realized there were 4 carts sitting in the middle of it. So, I get out and have to push them out of the way. No biggie, but it was a start to all the annoyances.

2. I'm getting a cart and this little girl (like 7 or so) comes running out of nowhere and full-steam runs into my ass. Her mom says, "Watch where you're going!" to her, not me. No, "Say I'm sorry" or "excuse me." Let's teach our kids some manners, people.

3. The whole store was completely changed around and I couldn't find anything. Walmart is supposed to be a consistent standard for shoppers. You're supposed to go into one and be able to find everything because it should be in the same location as every other Walmart! Not the case.

4. I went to pick up a 25-pound bag of cat litter (yes, I know I am not supposed to pick things up that are that heavy), and I was struggling. Half of the struggle was my numb hands, and the other half was the weight and my full cart. Like 10 people walked by while I struggled and NONE of them offered to help. The cart was literally rolling backward because I was trying to set the litter on the bottom, and nothing. No one even tried to hold it in place.

5. I go to check out and one of my yogurts has exploded all over the place in my cart. I asked the cashier if he has a paper towel, and he says no. I say, "Ok, it's all over the belt, and I just want to clean it off for you." He says, "Well, I don't have any." So, I look at the next register over, see paper towels, leave his lane to go and get them and clean it myself. WTF? So much or trying to help someone out.

6. Now....here's part 1 of the kicker! I pick up my carton of Dr. Thunder (we NEVER get pop, so this is like a treat for us), and it breaks ALL OVER THE PLACE. There are cans rolling everywhere. Instead of helping me fumble around and struggle to reach them on the floor, the other customers in line AND the oh-so-cooperative cashier start bitching because it's taking me so long. Bending, squatting, and picking things up are NO LONGER EASY FOR ME, people. SOMEONE SHOULD HELP A PREGNANT LADY OUT!!!!

7. Part 2 of the kicker happened in the parking lot. By this point, I was sore, had to pee, and was sweating like a rotisserie chicken. I'm loading all the crap in my Jeep hatch, and a car pulls up with her turn signal on to take my spot. Fine. I don't care about that. I start to walk (more like mosey, since that seems to be my current walking speed) the cart to the cart thingy and the lady rolls her window down and says (in an extremely bitchy tone), "Um...excuse me, I am waiting on your spot." I look at her like, "uh...ok. And you want me to what...?" I finish moseying the cart over while she throws some exasperated hand signals around in her impatient bitchiness. I get in my jeep, start it up, and....can't even move because lady has me blocked in. Finally, she reverses, like a foot (oh, thanks so much!). I pull out but, of course, cannot pull forward to get out. She throws her hands around again (I wonder if she has tourette's?) before backing up an appropriate amount and I can finally move. I wave at her and smile as I pass--after all, my life is obviously so much better than hers.

I have 18 days left until my due date. At no point during those 18 days am I going to go to any store at all by myself. I'm done. Finished.

Patience is a virtue I've apparently lost.

2010-04-10T14:03:00.003-04:00

I believe myself to be a terribly patient person. I have to be in my line of work. For example, working with freshmen, I will be asked the same question (after I've already given the directions and written them on the board) over 27 times in one day. Let me elaborate. I can give a writing assignment and say, "You need to write between 5-7 sentences". Then, I will write it on the board "5-7 sentences per answer". Then, being a bit of a smartass, I'll have the kids look at me and repeat after me, "5-7", (them) "5-7", (me) "Sentences", (them) "Sentences." No lie...in less than 5 minutes, at least 3 students per class period will say, "Wait...how many sentences did she say?" And I will calmly reply, "5-7." Kids can be exasperating, but I have the patience of a saint to deal with them every day and to love my job.

I do not, however, have much patience left with the pregnancy. I feel like absolute crap. I can only sleep on my left side at night now, and anytime I try to roll over, which takes a lot of grunting, pulling, and effort in the first place (I'm thinking a crane could help with these endeavors), I wake up less than a few minutes later to roll back to my left side. I have to sleep with 5 pillows! 5 PILLOWS to prop all the portions of my body into position. My feet are constantly Shrek-sized; I mean FREAKISHLY disproportionate monstrosities of their former selves. I have stopped tying my tennis shoes and instead tuck the shoelaces into the sides of the shoes because my feet will not fit otherwise. My right hand is now constantly numb--it used to come and go throughout the night an maybe last a little into the day, but now, it is ALL DAY LONG. The tips of my thumb, forefinger, and middle finger haven't had any feeling at all for at least the last week. Then, there's this double/triple chin thing that has grown the last couple weeks. I thought your weight was supposed to basically stop raising in the last month or so of pregnancy, but I have watched my double/triple chin growing exponentially each day. It is absolutely awful to look at myself. I feel so gross and disgusting.

I can't get up, I can't bend over, I can't stop sleeping, my clothes are starting to not fit again, and the right side of my ribs feel like they are broken on the inside.

But still....no real signs of the baby making her grand entrance into the world. I've had a few braxton hicks contractions here and there (very rare) and what feels like some intense punches to the cervix every now and then, but other than that...nothing. I feel like this baby is never coming out. She feels HUGE. I've had no cervical checks or anything, and without any reassurance that anything is happening, I feel that much more pessimistic.

I try bribing her nightly, because if she's anything like her daddy, it should work. Every night, I promise her increasing amounts of money if she decides to come out. We started with $20..."Mommy will give you $20 if you get out of her tonight!" The other night, Nathan jumped in, "Daddy will give you a CAR one day if you get out!" So far, it's not working. Maybe she's stubborn like her mother...if that's the case, she'll come when she's no longer comfortable in her super comfy bed.

No Baby Today

2010-03-31T18:35:00.002-04:00

Sad day...Ok, not really, but I am keeping my fingers crossed that this baby will come sooner rather than later!

Baby did perfectly on the nonstress test. Baseline HB of 140bpm and A-cells (you want to see a spike of at least 15bpm for at least 15 sec at least 2 times in 20 minutes) of 160bpm. The good ole' placenta is still doing its job.

Next appointment is next Thursday. I will be 37 weeks by then. After that, we have another growth ultrasound at 38 weeks to check baby's weight, but I'm still hoping and praying that I go into labor before then!

Still sick. Feeling like poop. Good thing I'm off work this week!

Finally, a moment!

2010-03-30T19:02:00.003-04:00

I'm in the middle of spring break and I can honestly say I'll be ready for a vacation next week, lol.

Moving has been tough. I don't feel like I've done much since I can't lift and all that, but it has been mentally and physically exhausting. I would NEVER recommend moving this late in pregnancy, ESPECIALLY if you're going from an apartment to a house. I have to thank all of the awesome people who have been coming over the last few days to help us get our house set up. My mom helped out with load after load of laundry (mostly baby stuff from the shower) as well as putting things away. While I may not know where most of our stuff is at this moment, I am so glad it has been put away. Nate's mom has been coming over to paint and we're almost finished with the painting we plan to do right now. We've got a few rooms (dining room, sitting room, bedrooms, etc.) that are going to be just sitting for awhile. Also have to thank the men...Bill, Kirby, Nate, and Brian, who did all of the heavy lifting--ok, ok, ALL of the LIFTING--and got all of our stuff moved in.

The living room furniture came today, so we have everything we bought/ordered in the house at this point. Now, it's just a matter of putting things away.

The house is looking awesome. I'll post some before and after pictures as soon as we get some rooms complete :)

In baby news, I am absolutely ready to be done being pregnant. I know I've said it before, but it feels like every day I feel worse...every day I have some new symptom...and every day I feel that much more finished with being pregnant. My newest symptom is a lovely numbness in my fingers. It's just my fingertips, mainly my thumbs, index, and middle fingers on both hands, but they are pretty much numb most of the day. I read online about pregnancy induced carpal tunnel syndrome, and I'm hoping that's what it is. It is super obnoxious and annoying, though, and it's kept me awake most nights for about the last week. It's hard to do things (dry hair, put baby furniture together, cook, eat...) when you can't feel your thumbs!

Midwife appointment tomorrow. I know it's bad, but I'm almost hoping I'll be one step closer to being induced...Nathan wants at least another week to get settled in, though.

I still haven't had a free opportunity to work on the thank you cards from the baby shower, so if you're waiting on one, give me just a little more time before you start considering how rude I am. I'm trying, I promise!

Finally, Lifestyle communities suck. DO NOT rent from them. EVER. We had the WORST apartment move-out experience with them, so TRUST ME...DO NOT RENT FROM LIFESTYLE!!!

EDIT: I should add...Neither Nathan nor I feel like we are bragging about our home when we talk about it. To be honest, neither of us feel like this is really happening. It's as if we are talking about someone else's house---"Look at the garden tub in these people's house!! Isn't it awesome!!" We feel so lucky to even have FOUND this home, not to mention to be able to AFFORD it!! Are we proud? Oh, absolutely. We are so proud of all the work we've done in 7.5 years to get to this point. But, we aren't bragging. We love this house, but it's going to take some time before we feel like it is truly ours.

Here it comes....

2010-03-21T19:31:00.000-04:00

NOW I am feeling a little stressed, a little anxious, a little overwhelmed. I've managed to keep it all in check and under control for the last 3 months, but now everything is hitting me like a brick. This is going to be one HELLUVA week, and I'm so nervous/anxious/stressed that I've been stuck to the bathroom all evening.

I have lists everywhere...lists of things to do for school (including all of my end-of-year paperwork and inventory, just in case I don't come back from spring break as a result of my 36-week midwife appointment), lists of things for my advisor activites (final requisitions, payments, instructions for the sub), copies to make for the next few weeks and units to get organized and sorted for the substitute, lists of things for the house including who is going where and doing what during the move and where our furniture is located (we have dressers/couch to pick up at Geemz's, cedar chest and bed from MIL's, desk and assorted other things in our trailer), and finally, lists of things to buy as soon as we are in the house (including baby essentials that we didn't get at the shower and replacement items for things we are throwing away when we move, like the kitchen trashcan).

I mean, there are so many lists I could really just use a notebook to keep everything organized. Worse than the lists themselves is the knowledge that I will ultimately forget many things and have to find time to take care of them.

This is going to be a mess. I'm already a mess. I hope I can find the time and peace of mind to sleep at night!

Baby Shower Today

2010-03-20T20:16:00.002-04:00

It was the day I feel like I have been waiting for since the moment I saw that second pink line on the stick. Today was finally my baby shower.

I have to thank my friend Alexis for the amount of effort she put into throwing such an awesome shower. I honestly think it was one of the best showers I have been to, and even some of the guys in attendance said they had a good time. I also have to thank my mom because I know she was set on doing anything she could to make the shower a great one...and it absolutely was. It was a fun and perfect day!

Pictures to follow as soon as I get them from my mom and have an opportunity to sit down and load them.

Tomorrow and Monday, I have to sort through all the amazing stuff we got and consolidate it into smaller bags/boxes for the move. This week will be filled with packing, cleaning, paperwork, planning, shopping, and ultimately (on Sunday) moving. I am so glad next week (beginning the 29th) is Spring Break. Maybe I'll actually get a chance to get moved into the house and SLEEP at some point :)

My Woman Parts Are Broken, lol

2010-03-19T20:47:00.002-04:00

Well, if it's not one thing....it's another!

Went for a growth ultrasound on Thursday because Baby has been measuring about 2 weeks ahead consistently since about 24 weeks. Luckily, Baby is average size, so no problems in that area.

I do, however, have an "aging placenta." Have you even heard of such a thing??? It's basically the calcification of the placenta, which generally happens a little closer to deliver. The placenta gradually hardens and cuts off blood and oxygen flow to the baby. Again, totally normal, but not necessarily at only 34 weeks.

Doctor said it is a Grade 1, which is toward the low end of the 4 grades. Although what I am finding online is that the grades are 0, 1, 2, 3 not 1, 2, 3, 4. He said this is generally a condition found in smokers (WHICH I AM NOT!!!), but not totally uncommon in white females. Moving forward...my next appointment is at 36 weeks (about a week and a half), and from that point on, I will have a non-stress test and ultrasound at each of my weekly appointments. He said IF the baby is showing signs of distress, we will induce immediately.

So, obviously, I'm a little freaked about the whole thing. I had been planning on at least another 6 weeks of incubation before Rylee comes along. Now, it could be much faster than that. I know it's unlikely that I'll go in for my next appointment and find out that I have to be induced that night, but I'm still a little worried that something like that would happen. After all, my friend had her first at 37 weeks, which is ONLY 3 weeks away. It really could be any time, potentially.

Or....nothing could happen. My placenta could stay at a Grade 1 until my due date, which is still officially the same. It's a waiting game.

...but, I'm getting my hospital bag together next weekend just in case!

10 Days is a Record

2010-03-14T18:24:00.003-04:00

I haven't written in my blog in 10 days! That's got to be some sort of record :)

Today has been a busy day. I've been trying desperately to get things cleaned and packed in the house so we're ready for our move on the 26th. Luckily, I've discovered the value of a shared "To Do List". You see, I've started a Word doc to do list on my computer, and Nathan has access to it. So, as I think of more things to do, I add them to the list. As he gets free time on his days off, he checks the list and does the things he can do and deletes them from the list. Then, on my days off, I do the same thing. It's actually incredibly productive! I don't have to keep telling him over and over again to do things, and this week alone, he helped whittle my list down from 15 things to less than 5. It has been awesome, and it's so handy.

Since you're so interested, let me tell you how my next few weeks are looking....This week, I'll be 34 weeks along on Thursday. We're off to see the midwife for that growth scan I talked about last time. Saturday is the baby shower, and I am sooooooo excited for it! Next week, we close on the house on Thursday and move into the house on Saturday. Luckily, the week of March 29 is spring break at school, so I'll have time to accomplish the following things...painting, moving, assembling, putting things away, hospital tour, family doctor appointments, another midwife appointment.

Then, it's April 5, and I'll have 3.5 weeks of school left until my maternity leave.

Everything is great. I'm so glad that all of this is coming together so nicely!

Baby Rylee

2010-03-04T20:19:00.002-05:00

I feel like I'm carrying 4 babies in my belly. She is always on the go rolling and kicking and making my ribs ache and my lungs hurt. I know...it's only going to get worse, but man, sometimes I just wish she'd take a little nap.

I have a growth ultrasound scheduled for Thursday the 18th because Baby is still consistently measuring two weeks ahead. Midwife says she could be a big baby or I could just have a long torso. She felt around and said it doesn't feel like the baby is extra large or anything, but the ultrasound will give us peace of mind.

Ultrasounds can be off by + or - 1 pound, so after the ultrasound, she said we will need to discuss our options. It is possible, according to her, that Rylee could be a 10-pound baby, or (again) she could be a nice average-sized 7-pound baby. She said we need to consider whether or not a c-section would be a better option based on the results of the u/s. But, she said, it is completely possible to birth a 9- or 10-pound baby naturally (and she's seen women do it...holy cow!!).

Baby is head down now (yay!), but I kind of knew this because of the amount of pressure in my pelvis. I am pretty much always sore, and I DREAD standing up. Just the process of moving from a comfortable sitting position to a standing position causes me the most intense heaviness and pain in my pelvic region. Shoo...pain, pain, pain.

(*Sending loving thoughts skyward...straight to her!*)

The Funeral

2010-03-03T20:11:00.002-05:00

I cried at the funeral. Like a baby. I bawled and felt my heart break into pieces. I felt my soul aching for someone who isn't there anymore. I cried a tear for every moment, every memory, every conversation, and every exchange that will never happen again. I sobbed into Nathan's shoulder and was so thankful he was there for me. Today, I felt the sorrow that I have been so desperately burying deep under a pile of other to-do's. I watched the casket close and knew it was over.

And now...I try to live a life that my grandmother would appreciate. Someone said to me today that if we have learned nothing from Ray and Mildred (my grandparents) we have sure learned how to treat other people with dignity, respect, and care, and we have learned how best to love our families. Though I may not totally believe it, it is a comfort to think there is life after death. And if there IS life after death, and if Mammaw and Pappaw ARE keeping an eye on me from some ethereal place, then the best way to honor their memory and keep them alive is to continue/begin to live a life that upholds these values.

They are never coming back, but they have left their legacy on this world. I will wait, patiently, for this pain to pass. There will come a day when I won't pick up my phone and press speed dial #5 to call Mammaw as I have done so frequently in the past. There will come a time I won't be scared to look at the ga.hanna.scho.ools website just to see if her name is still listed as the the trans. supervisor. Some day, I'll realize that my "big news!" calling list is now only two people long and not 3. Some day I won't sit here and wipe away the tears while I type a blog. All in due time, I'm sure...

Until then...I need to begin working toward living up to the standards they so graciously set for all of us. I want to walk with the dignity they carried. I want to love and understand my husband the way they loved and understood each other (something, I'm sure, that only comes after 50 years of marriage!). I want to take pride in small accomplishments and do without expecting things to be done. I want to be close to my family. What better way to remember them than to work toward being more like them?

We're Ok

2010-02-27T21:33:00.003-05:00

Mammaw passed away on Friday at 1:05 pm.

She was scheduled to be taken to my mom's house that morning. Hospice came out on Thursday to set up a hospital bed and all the associated equipment (oxygen tanks and what-not). Friday morning, Mom went to the hospital to wait for her to be released. I texted around 11:15 to see if she had been taken home yet, and Mom texted back, "Call when you can." Of course, I called right away. Mom said the doctors had come in that morning to check Mammaw out and found that her feet/toes were turning purple. They said this was a sign of everything shutting down. The hospice workers told my mom Mammaw had until Saturday morning.

I asked my mom if she thought I should leave school. She said, "Well, do what you think you should do." So, I immediately told my principal I needed coverage for the afternoon. Quickly, a substitute was brought in.

I drove home, picked up Nathan, and headed to the hospital. We arrived at 1:15, and I knew something was wrong when we exited the elevator on the 4th floor. The first person we ran into was my uncle, who looked uncharacteristically upset. Thinking little of it, we went back to the room, where a sign reading, "See Nurse before entering this room" was posted on the door. My aunt came out and just from the look on her face, I knew we were too late. 10 minutes...that's it. Just 10 minutes too late.

You know....I'm surprisingly ok with all of this so far. I haven't broken down, but I have shed some tears. I guess what I remember most about my grandma is her sarcastic, smartalick personality. She was hilarious to joke with. She was funny and stubborn. I picture all the things she is doing and saying now that she is free from her earthly burdens. For a 70-year-old broad, she was very with it, very aware. I love her like a best friend, and I am glad that she doesn't have to deal with all the degeneration anymore. She was so fantastic, and I can only wish that everyone was blessed to have a grandma like her.

This time around...my memories don't hurt. I'm ok to think about everything we've done together. The things I will miss about her were things that would never have happened again regardless of how long she lived--we would never have had another road trip together, we never would have sat around at her house watching ice skating, we'd never go to Hometown or Golden Corral again, we'd (Mom, me, and Mammaw) never sit around for hours cracking up over dumb stuff...those things were gone, and now they only exist in my memories. I'm ok to see her body, because I know how beautiful she has always been...and I'm desperately thankful her cancer didn't eat away at her like it did my grandpa. I'm ok to see her house and things that remind me of her, because I know that she will always be a part of who I have become. My heart doesn't ache, my soul isn't breaking, I'm not falling apart.

I'm thankful for every single day I was given with my grandparents. I gave/give them every bit of love I could, and I will make sure they don't just disappear into history. Words will never express how important they have been and always will be to me. I absolutely love them.

Now, it's my mom's turn to step up and be a grandma :) I'm sure one day little Rylee will be saying these exact same things about her Mammaw.

2010-02-24T20:00:00.002-05:00

I'm not ready for this...I'm not ready for this. I hate loss and death and disease and all the things that leave us grasping for words and comfort. I hate it all. I know it's natural, and I know it's bound to happen, but I've never felt more pain in my life than the pain that comes from profound loss. I'm not ready for another loss; it's too soon. I feel like everything that is left of my childhood is slowly disappearing--the people whose house I could always see from my childhood home (my grandparents) are disappearing, everything in their home will vanish soon enough, their house and the house I grew up in will someday be torn down and made into some sort of factory...it will all be a memory soon enough. I feel like I'm desperately trying to hold on to things and people despite the natural order of the world--things are supposed to change, children and grandchildren are supposed to outlive their elders, people are supposed to die of natural causes, our bodies are supposed to shut down and our hearts are supposed to stop. Why, then, does it hurt so much to lose people? Why do we feel so helpless when we know someone is passing away? Why do we want so desperately for them to hang on when we know that their passing will bring them peace?

I'm not ready to do this again. I just stopped hurting about having to put Stink down...I am so, so sad.

And yet, I have to find a way to keep myself picked up and put together for the baby. Rylee needs me to take care of myself, even though I don't want to eat and I don't want to feel happy right now. Ugh....the timing of all this is so....*sigh*

A Quickie

2010-02-21T23:06:00.003-05:00

1. The Geemz is in the hospital. Lots of things wrong. I'm not sure how much longer she will hang on...she doesn't look like she wants to fight much longer. I don't know what I'll do when she is gone...

2. My belly hurts. Not my stomach or anything, but the actual skin on my belly. I feel like my skin is being stretched right above my sternum. It itches and hurts. I still don't have stretch marks, though, so I should feel pretty thankful.

3. Mammaw said today, "I haven't even gotten to feel Rylee kick." I feel oddly guilty that Nathan and I couldn't make a baby happen faster...why couldn't the first IUI work? We wouldn't have to worry so much about the timing if it had happened earlier.

4. Looks like we'll actually have a full week of school. I'm thankful. Working is an excellent distraction.

5. 25 school days until Spring Break, 45 school days until my maternity leave starts, 26 calendar days until the Baby Shower, and 35 calendar days until we move. Busy, busy.

Parents

2010-02-17T20:56:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I think the worst part about my job is dealing with parents. Having never been the parent of a teenager myself, I can't begin to imagine how tough of a job that is. I bet it's extremely difficult to figure out when to step in, when to hold their hands, and when to kick their butts out of the nest so they can learn to support themselves. I work with teenagers...parents have 13-14 years to cut the umbilical cords before their children reach my classroom, but I am constantly astonished at the number of parents who would rather hover directly over the heads of their children than let them take some responsibility for themselves.

When your teenager can't ask his/her teacher a question his/herself and instead runs home to you and makes you (the parent) email that very question to the teacher, something is wrong.

When a teenager can use the excuse "I didn't understand" and you (the parent) attack the teacher when, in fact, your child doesn't understand because he/she was zoned out the entire class period, something is wrong.

When you (the parent) email the teacher to say you want to know why your child has an A instead of an A+ (God forbid your child JUST be an A student), something is wrong.

If you (the parent) email the teacher more than 4 times a week about a question that has already been answered 20 different ways from Sunday (by said teacher) AND is posted online for your easy viewing pleasure, something is wrong.

If you EVER do your child's work FOR THEM--whether you think you are helping them or not--something is VERY wrong, and you should reassess your life goals and ambitions for your child.

I hope I am not a helicopter parent. I hope I know when it's time for me to step back and let my child be more responsible. I know it's hard for parents to accept that their children are growing up, but there is clearly a difference between pushing your child to be their best and making them completely unresponsible for their own decisions. Let them fall out of the nest, let them learn that they need to flap their wings in order to be successful, let them learn to grow up--you cannot be there holding their hands forever.

...but what do I know...I just work with 120 of them a day and see the direct effects of the parenting they receive at home.

2010-02-14T23:35:00.002-05:00

My belly is amazing. It is the definition of roly poly. Rylee is all over the place with somersaults and tumbling. I will miss this when she is here in my arms.

(Edited) Valentine's Day

2010-02-13T14:08:00.004-05:00

Tomorrow is V-Day, and while we tend to not celebrate it very much around here (maybe a card or just a "Happy Valentine's Day"), I thought this would be the perfect day to tell the two most important women in my life how much they mean.

I bought this for my g-ma...

Mammaw has said on many trips to Cracker Barrel how much she likes these figurines, and while she doesn't need anything taking up any more room in her life (that woman has a LOT of STUFF!!!), the meaning behind the Willow Tree "Courage" figurine is important. These are handmade figurines, and on the box of this one, it says...

"I created the first Angel of Courage in 2001 to celebrate the triumphant spirit, strength and courage we call upon to face challenges in our lives--whether they be our health, or the well-being of our loved ones...I hope this angel can be a reminder of people in our lives who inspire us with their strength and courage everyday."

I hope this little token not only serves as a constant reminder to my g-ma to have strength through her pain and while she travels the road that lies ahead, but I also hope that when my grandma is gone, this serves as a constant reminder to my own mother about the courage and strength with which my grandma fought this disease. Sometimes it's the little things in life that make us remember fondly, cherish deeply, and love forever.

EDIT: When I got to my mom's tonight, Mammaw had this to give to me...

This is the "Angel of Remembrance". Funny how great minds think alike. I believe this angel came with a package when my g-pa passed away. Mammaw had my mom grab it at her house so I could have it for my collection (I'm just starting to collect these bad boys)...she'll never know how much this little piece of wood means to me.

Job Gushing

2010-02-12T21:58:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I forget just how much I love my job. Having been out of school for the last few days as a result of the snow, I had so much more appreciation today for the kids, my classroom, grading, and looking out over the sea of faces. I'm a couple years in at this point (I think 3 years of teaching or so? But only 2 of those with a license), and I'm still content and satisfied. Sometimes I think about where I want to go from here, because I don't think I'll be in the classroom forever, but I know right now, I love teaching, and most of all, I LOVE teaching FRESHMEN!!! Can you believe that?? I love 9th graders; it's honestly the perfect grade for me. I can get them to work when the time comes, I can get them to listen when I need them to, and they entertain me so much the rest of the time. I am thankful to be in a career that I love so much and to be teaching at a school I enjoy.

All that being said, I am putting my resume out this year. No, I don't want to leave my school or my kids, I'm just interested in seeing what is out there (if anything). I now know how DUMB some of my interview answers were a couple years ago when I was making the circuit! And, I already have a guaranteed job, so there is no pressure to find a position--just potential opportunities. I would never trade having my own classroom with such fantastic kids for a mobile classroom (push-cart classroom) with 30 jerky students. I would never trade my relatively low pay and happiness for high pay and unhappiness. So, the stress is off. I'm just putting my resume out there and seeing if anything pops up. If so, great, what an awesome time for a new opportunity. If not, well, nothing was lost in the meantime, right??

29 Weeks

2010-02-10T15:04:00.001-05:00

I'm looking a little...um...homely here, but it is what it is :)

It's Simple

2010-02-09T18:12:00.001-05:00

I. Hate. Snow.

28-Week Blood Results

2010-02-08T09:48:00.002-05:00

First, I passed my glucose test, which is great news, because while I am seriously the epitome of great health (haha, eye roll), I was kind of concerned about this particular test.

I did not, however, pass my iron test. I somewhat saw this coming from awhile ago. I've always had excellent iron levels when I donate blood, and I've always attributed that to the vast amounts of red meat Nathan and I eat. When I had that violent vomiting episode back in November and got to taste my steak a second (and third, and fourth, and fifth...) time, I was pretty much sworn off red meat. I have not had any blood tests at all since around that time.

Beginning in mid-December, I noticed how unfathomably tired I was all the time. Most of the time, I feel like I can fall asleep at a moment's notice, and for the most part, I DO fall asleep at a moment's notice. I have been feeling unbelievably exhausted, and I kept thinking this can not be a normal feeling otherwise pregnant women would be keeling over in the streets to nap.

On top of the exhaustion, I see stars a lot. I get dizzy often. I'm out of breath very easily (including when I'm trying to teach a lesson), and I feel like I can't get anything accomplished because of my intense lack of energy. Let's not even begin to talk about my irritability.

Yes, these are all complaints of a pregnant woman, but I have been feeling these things to the extreme.

So...severe anemia is the result. I must now take 2 iron supplements a day on top of my prenatal vitamins. From what I hear, I should start feeling much better very soon. I hope so!

"The Business of Being Born"

2010-02-05T21:12:00.003-05:00

I just watched this movie, and I feel more committed to an unmedicated birth than ever before. I never realized how much of a "business industry" giving birth in the United States has become. I didn't know that a pitocin/epidural cocktail has so many negative effects, and I certainly didn't know that the U.S. has some of the worst statistics for births in industrialized countries (higher death rates, much higher rate of c-sections, etc.). And...I learned a lot about the history of childbirth and how it has changed throughout time in the U.S. (You should see some of the contraptions they hooked women up to in the 1920's).

I stand by my conviction that the body will do exactly what it is supposed to do, and that we (as women) are intended to go through birth as a sort of rite of passage. Again, nothing against those who choose to do otherwise, I just have to keep pumping myself up for the next 12 weeks to take this venture on :)

2010-02-05T18:50:00.003-05:00

Mammaw went to the hospital to have fluid drained from her abdomen. I believe they got 1.3L of it, and I told her that sounds like it HAS to set some sort of record! That's a LOT of fluid. She's still here, though, and I'm appreciating all the time we have left.

Another midwife appointment this past week. I had to take my Glucose test. When I first started drinking the orange drink, I thought, "Hey! This isn't too bad!" Initially, it tasted like flat orange pop; I couldn't figure out what all the complaints are about. But...by the time I finished the crap, I knew. I, apparently, passed the test, because they said they would call the next day if there was a problem. I haven't heard anything, so I'm guessing that's good news.

Baby is laying sideways in my abdomen, which makes total sense since every time I stand up, I feel like my guts fall out of me. The midwife said we are worried about baby positioning until about 34 weeks, but at that time, if she is still not in position, we'll try some techniques to get her to move where she needs to be.

She talked about counting kicks, and I told her there's never been a day that passed when I didn't feel Miss Rylee flopping around in there. She's a VERY active little one :) At the next few appointments, the midwife said we will start talking about more educational things (i.e. the labor and delivery process itself and decisions that need to be made between now and then). She asked if I still wanted a natural, unmedicated birth, and I said yes. I'm all set to watch a movie called The Business of Being Born tonight, and I hope it reaffirms my desire to do the unmedicated birth. Though I'll admit, I get tired of people telling me, "You'll never make it!" when I tell them I'd like to go without an epidural.

I'm still very excited, though if asked, I find it a little difficult to muster up any jumping around and screaming for joy. I'm just too exhausted nowadays. Everything feels like a chore--especially cleaning. If I clean for more than 30 minutes, my back is in utter agony for the next two days. But....being as I am the only person in the house who does clean, if I don't do it and put up with the pain and inability to walk, it won't get done.

2010-02-01T18:42:00.001-05:00

I know the saying is that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but sometimes I wonder if He doesn't vastly overestimate my particular abilities...

I should be in bed, but...

2010-01-28T22:28:00.002-05:00

...these wallops in my gut are too enjoyable to miss :)

As of next Wednesday, I'm on my every two week appointment schedule. I have completely mixed emotions about this...I know time is going to go fast, and for that, I am excited. But at the same time, I wish it would slow down just a little bit; give me a moment to breathe. And not just in terms of the baby, but time to breathe in general.

Because as excited as I am about being a day closer to Rylee's birth, I also feel like each passing day is a day closer to losing my g-ma forever.

When g-pa got really sick, I kept him laughing. I was over at their house SO MUCH just to sit and talk to him. I joked with him, called him "Old Man", listened to his stories about drink Jack Daniel's as a kid (I still have a hard time believing that one), hitch hiking up 23 when hitch hiking was still an economical and relatively safe way to get around, accidentally picking up a male prostitute in Whi.tehall, thinking he was just helping a kid out :) I listened to him, I helped him "empty out" all the stuff he was trying to get rid of ("You need any toilet paper? She has a 36-pack in that extra bedroom. Take that home with you!"), I fed him grapefruit while he would still eat, and I tried my best to make him smile and keep him smiling. Right up until that last day when I was lucky enough to hear his final words, "It don't look too good, does it?" just hours before he passed away, I tried to keep him happy. I know in my heart I did everything I possibly could as his granddaughter to make his last year comfortable and enjoyable, and I did all the things in my life that I knew would make him (and my g-ma) proud of me.

In fact, just a week or so ago, I was going through my dressers to clean them out, and I ran across a birthday card my g-parents gave me when I lived in Chillicothe. Inside was a receipt for a gas gift card my g-pa had gotten me; though he NEVER wrote in b-day cards himself, he had taken a minute to write on that receipt. ON one side was his practicality: "Keep this, so they know it's good" (in reference to the gift card), and on the other side: "You have made me so proud of you." And, I know I did.

I feel like I am trying my best to do the same for g-ma. I keep her laughing by cracking on her, and she adds to my memory bank by cracking back on me. One day, she said, "You don't have to come over here to babysit me," and I responded, "I don't know where you got it in your head that I was coming over here for YOU. Nathan's not home and I don't feel like sitting around by myself. I'm just using you to keep myself occupied." :) She cracked up...and since, she often says, "I'm glad you got to see me" when I leave. She tells me how proud she (and Pappaw) is of me, and she talks to me like I'm a friend rather than a granddaughter. I hate to think of her being gone...I hate to think about how much memories HURT when my g-pa died, and I have so many more memories of just she and I on our road trips, hanging out together, going to dinner...I hate to think about how much my memories of her are going to hurt one day. I hate to think about how all of this laughter and all of her wise cracks are eventually going to come back to haunt me and make me feel empty. I hate to think that I will someday soon not have any close grandparents anymore.

But again, I know in my heart I have done and am doing everything I can to make her happy and to help her feel comfortable. She's such a stubborn old lady! I admire how much support my own mother is providing for her, and I know I would be doing the exact same thing if my own mom were going through this...

I adore my g-ma, which makes every day of excitement for Rylee that much more difficult. Each day closer to saying hello to my baby is a day closer to saying goodbye to my most beloved grandmother. Utter excitement tainted by complete sadness :(

Fight or Flight

2010-01-25T18:44:00.002-05:00

You know that theory that says your body will either increase adrenaline to fight in a situation or basically shut down to "flight" from a situation when faced with high stress? Apparently, my natural urge when faced with too much is "flight" in the form of instantaneous sleep.

I walked into the apartment today to see a packet of about an inch in thickness sitting on our couch. I opened it, realized it was ALL paperwork about the loan for the house, got geared up to sit down and begin going through it, grabbed a pen, had a seat, got comfortable...

and passed out for 2 hours. Dead asleep. It's 6:45 now, and I haven't looked at a single paper yet, lol.

My Husband

2010-01-23T16:41:00.002-05:00

I'm not a mushy-gushy person. I never have been. The hubs and I are definitely not the people you will see fawning over each other in the frozen foods aisle at the grocery store, nor will we ever be the adults acting like children and making out in the back of the movie theater. We're just not those kinds of people. We love each other, obviously, but we don't feel the need (and never really have) to pronounce that love over and over again so everyone can hear it (hence our wedding in Vegas!). We just are.

For the most part, he drives me nuts, lol. There are many things about him that make me cringe, stress me out, make my blood pressure rise. As our time with each other continues to fly by, I still find there are things about him that I'm learning to adjust to, things I may not like, but they make him HIM, and I have to figure out how to be comfortable with that. For each day that passes, we are still learning how to talk to each other, what to accept and what to address. Yes, he drives me crazy with his snoring and the way he smacks his belly and stretches every time he looks in the fridge (haha...he'll hate me for that one!). He DEFINITELY drives me nuts when he talks in his sleep and tries to sell things to people in his dream ("You want this pack of pens? I'll sell it to you for $2"). His impulsiveness and inability to think about the future are diametrically opposed to my need to plan and think through every move I make. The fact that the man tends to have more clothes than I at any single point in time but STILL takes longer than me to find something to wear is entirely annoying!! In 7.5 years, I've found there is a laundry list of my hubs' idiosyncracies that absolutely make me nuts.

But there are many, many more things about him that I appreciate enough to forgive most of his "habits". And because I don't spend enough time shouting my love for him from the treetops (it'll never happen!), I want to take a minute now to list some of the things he does that I appreciate and love about him...

1. He is a little workhorse. Think of any project at any time during any season, and Nathan will work, work, work until it is done. Every time we have moved, he has steadily worked throughout the day to move things into a U-H.aul and into the apartments, while I have had to "rest" after carrying a lamp! Today, for instance, he is busying himself with replacing a door in our apartment, and it has turned into QUITE the project (door is .25" too big, but they don't make it in the exact size). Instead of giving up or getting pissed, he's been working away at this project for 5 hours. His dedication to projects is amazing.

2. When we go to the grocery store, he always goes to grab the cart and uses the sanitizing wipes on it before handing the cart to me because he KNOWS how much of a germaphobe I am.

3. When we bring groceries home, he lets me wait inside while he unloads all of the bags. It's like he has his own little competition going on with himself to see how many bags he can carry at once.

4. He drives whenever we go anywhere, which I love because I HATE driving.

5. I think I've maybe pumped my gas 10 times in the last 7.5 years because he always does it for me. ("I thought that's what men were supposed to do," he says.)

6. He is ALWAYS there for me when I screw something up. For example, I just broke yet another laptop power cord the other day, and when I tried to fix it myself, I pretty much electrocuted myself because I didn't unplug the cord before I started (duh!). He came home, stripped the wires, twisted wire A around B, wrapped the whole contraption in electrical tape and BOOM new power cord.

7. When it comes to cars, he can diagnose or at least give a general idea of every problem. If I need an oil change or air in my tires, or if I can't get my "Check oil" light to go off, he can do it.

8. Even though he snores all night and takes up so much room in the bed, he is SO COMFORTABLE to lean against--especially now that I've got this extra weight to roll around with. Also, he's like the werewolves in T.wilight--108 degrees or something when he sleeps. It's like having my own personal furnace when I'm tossing and turning.

9. He has cleaned the litter boxes himself throughout my pregnancy.

10. He can cook and LIKES to cook!! In fact, there are several things he makes better than I do! Pancakes and eggs are definitely his specialty.

11. I love the way he gets excited talking about the baby. He was so pumped to get to put the baby furniture together (his first real duty as a dad), but unfortunately, expensive furniture (apparently) comes pre-assembled in the box, lol.

12. He will go to the store to buy me tampons (not recently, obviously). I think it's like a point of pride for him to stand in the aisle, pick them out, and carry them through the store. I think it makes him feel like more of a man.

13. I like that he likes to sit down at the table, just the two of us, to eat dinner. The only times in 7.5 years that we've eaten in front of the tv is when we have eaten at separate times or when the table has crap on it. I like that eating together is important to him.

14. If I want anything at any time, he goes and gets it for me. Last night, I had to have a burger and fries at 1:30am, and he went to get it.

15. The things I love the most about him are the things he does without expecting me to notice. He never rubs it in that he does all the stuff I've listed...he just does it, like it's a responsibility that he enjoys. He doesn't put these things on any sort of "You owe me" list...he does them and never mentions them again.

I could literally go on and on about the things I love. Sometimes I find I get so wrapped up in being annoyed that I forget to be thankful for the ways he makes my life easier. He does a lot for me, and even though we disagree on a lot (what's a married couple if you don't disagree???), I am thankful every day to have someone in my life who is here to share half of my burdens. I depend on him for so much more than I ever give him credit for (did you know when you have a significant other, best friend, etc. that you depend on them for 50% of your memory? You tell them things or things happen to the two of you, and while you'll only maintain 1/2 the memory, your "other" will save the other 1/2????), and I'm happy that he's here for me to depend on.

So, here, I'll shout it from the rooftops just this one time...I love my husband and I am so lucky to have him as my best friend, my hemorrhoid :), and my hubs. You're great, Nathan, and don't let my b*tching or nagging lead you to believe otherwise!!

Is it Friday yet?

2010-01-21T19:44:00.003-05:00

First, I have to say thanks to Christa, who gave me a blog award :)

The rules of the Lemonade Award are...
1. Put the Lemonade logo on your blog or within your post.
2. Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude or gratitude
3. Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
4. Share the love and link to the person from whom you receive this award.

See the bottom of this post for my list of awardees :)

Baby Ry is still doing wonderfully. She is a VERY active little one. I pretty much feel her ALL THE TIME now; there's maybe a few hours or so a day where my intestines get some relief. My lung is still out of breathing room, I'm still constantly dying for sweets and junk food, and my belly seems to grow exponentially every day! I love this, but I can't wait to meet the baby in 14 weeks.

Random comment...has anyone else here seen He.idi Mo.ntag's new body after her 10 PLASTIC SURGERIES?!?! Talk about someone who looks absolutely sad and soulless when she speaks. So sad...so, so, SO sad.

The home buying process is still coming along swimmingly. There's a little disagreement about the price/value of the necessary window repairs, but for us, that is DEFINITELY NOT a deal-breaker. We are so in love with this house, and as far as I am concerned, we'll be moving into it one way or another on March 29.

Exam week is almost over, which means it's back to the regular grind on Monday. I'm excited, though, because 3rd quarter is my busiest quarter. Plus, I LOVE both of the books my kids are reading (Hunger G.ames in E9 and The Ch.ocolate War in HE9). They're going to love the books.

Ok, back to the award...My nominees (and I have to remember to comment and tell them) are...
1. Carla's Corner
2. Sarah Dashner Photography, who takes wonderful pictures, which will come in handy when her baby girl twins come along :)
3. Greek Wife's "Blogging while Blond"
4. Kim @ "Dish Baby"--Can't wait for her to post pics of her twin girls!!
5. Christa @ Fearlessly Infertile, who did an AWESOME overhaul of her blog's appearance recently (and her approach to IF)...good luck, girl as you take this cycle by storm!
6. Kristen @ "The Road Less Traveled"--I know she doesn't post much anymore, being blogged out, but I love being able to keep up with her life. One of the most amazing people I've ever had the good fortune to run across in my life!!

There are several other people whose blogs I follow religiously, but due to recent happenings in their lives, I don't think it's appropriate to bestow an award like this on them :( I can't imagine what these ladies are going through, but my heart goes out to them...

All Important Updates

2010-01-18T13:58:00.002-05:00

1. Midwife appointment today. Am now switching to appointments every 2 weeks. She said my weight gain is spot on--exactly where it should be, which makes me feel a little less cowish. Baby is doing very well with a very strong heartbeat that the midwife finds immediately every time. The good ole' ute is measuring 27 weeks, so a little ahead. Glucose test at next appointment. Fun times :)

2. The home passed the inspection with flying colors. Just a couple of minor things to be fixed (clean the chimney flue, clean the garden tub drain, replace counterbalances on the windows), and one "major" thing (cost= approx $1500), to replace a couple of the windows whose seals have broken and are accumulating condensation. We'll see what comes of our "request to remedy" paperwork, but all-in-all, those are pretty small repairs.

3. My windshield on my Jeep cracked for the second time in less than a year. Perfect timing for that one, but we're waiting until the house is settled to do anything about it.

4. Exams this week, which means a relatively light workload for me. Then, we start the research paper which is a helluva project until mid-March.

5. Baby shower is scheduled and I'm pretty excited about the whole thing.

6. Slowly but surely beginning to pack and clean for the big move. So much exciting stuff going on!

In case you didn't hear...

2010-01-13T19:17:00.001-05:00

since I'm a HUGE blabbermouth and think that EVERYONE wants to know EVERY detail of my entire existence...

WE GOT THE HOUSE!!!!!!

I keep coming to my blog to look at the pictures I posted the other day. I CANNOT believe we are going to be the owners of that home on March 29. How exciting! Plus, the way our mortgage works out, we will only be paying a couple hundred more a month FOR A HOUSE!!! I feel so satisfied and content with this whole thing!

Are we really 1/3 through January?

2010-01-10T19:37:00.002-05:00

Already??? Seriously??? I don't know what it is about getting older, but it seems like every year of my life just goes faster and faster. As my "To-Do" list gets longer, I have less and less time to get it done!

On the list now...
--Call tax lady
--Schedule hospital walk-through for February
--Get these people to accept the terms in our offer for their house!!
--Semester exams in a week
--Baby appointment next Monday
--Alexis' boy's b-day party next Saturday (must remember to ask what we can get him that is decent in price since we're scrounging!)
--Buy said b-day gift
--Grade exams
--Get grades into progress book for Qtr 2 and Semester
--Print and copy stuff for Qtr 3
--Fax all offer paperwork tomorrow morning
--Send thank you card to Nate's uncle

This list goes on and on...Luckily, I'm organized to a fault, so it will all get accomplished, but the minute one thing is crossed off, another 4 are in line to take its place. Such is life, though, eh? During the summers, when I'm off, I NEVER have a to-do list, because the minute I think of something that needs done, I do it. No waiting. No lists. I've got nothing but time, so I do it. I'm sure all of that will change this summer, though...

Speaking of the baby coming along, I really need my organs to stop pressing on my right lung. What started as a small problem a month ago when I would sit down too long has turned into a persistent and extremely painful ache in my right lung and upper back. You know how when you run (which I don't do) you sometimes get that painful "stitch" or cramp in your side, and to make it stop you stretch your arms above your head? Yeah, that "stitch" is what I am now feeling MOST of the time, except no amount of stretching makes it go away. It is EXTREMELY painful, and it feels like there is just no room in my chest for all of my body parts. I hope that like the sciatic nerve pain I had for a couple months, this goes away soon. I certainly can't stand up every minute of every day until the baby comes, ya kno?

Back to school tomorrow. Looks like no snow this week, so nothing to look forward to as far as days off or late arrivals. Good thing, though, since exams are next week and the kiddos need all the review time they can get!

Houses

2010-01-09T20:38:00.016-05:00

Here's the 4 bedroom, 2.5 bathroom house we are making an offer on...(The pictures are in reverse order, sorry!)

View of the house from the backyard

The master bath

View of the master bath from the master bedroom

Master Bedroom

Formal Dining Room

Kitchen

Kitchen

Living Room

Formal Sitting Room

The Home

Off Topic

2010-01-07T21:44:00.002-05:00

I'm trying to get my mind off of all the stuff floating around in it right now...so, let's answer a random journal prompt (the same prompt I gave my kids today for their journals).

Question: You have to get rid of three things in your house--What do you get rid of?

Hmm.....That's tough. I try not to keep a bunch of "junk" lying around, but some stuff ends up accumulating anyhow.

1) The first thing I'd get rid of is the old King-sized comforter off our bed. It snagged on the U-Haul when we moved to this apartment over a year-and-a-half ago. Plus, it was NEVER washed (gross, I know!). The only reason I find myself hanging onto it is because it was so expensive. It was a $300 comforter that we got at M.acy's for like $85. We have since replaced it, and it is completely useless, but I just haven't gotten around to throwing it out.

2) The second thing I'd get rid of is my growing stacks of mail that haven't been filed. Most of our bills and what-not are online now, but I still feel like I have to keep anything that even remotely might be important. My filing cabinet broke when we moved, so I've been using just a little crate. Because it is upstairs and I open my mail in the kitchen, the stacks pile up on the stairs--must take care of them!!

3) The third thing I'd get rid of is the laundry room door. It suffered a minor casualty soon after we moved in when Nate and his friend were trying to bring a speaker into the laundry room storage. The door now has a hole in it, so it has to be replaced before we move (the $$ the apartment will charge to replace it is much more that Lowe's would charge for a new one).

I'm back

2010-01-06T19:44:00.002-05:00

I'm finally coming to terms with everything that happened to Stink. The dermatologist left me a pretty sweet message in which she said none of this was our fault (something I had been thinking), he was just a pretty sick cat, and that we have gone above what could ever be expected as a pet owner. I can now talk about him without bawling, and I now understand that we did what had to be done...it doesn't make the fact that it happened any easier, but it helps to deal with it. His ashes are back, and we've set up a pretty nice display for the little guy. All we can do now is move forward...

And in moving forward, we are off to begin looking at some houses tomorrow despite the massive amounts of "white death" headed our way. We're set on closing on April 1, so we need to be in contract by the end of this month. Luckily, once we changed our expectations for the types of homes we were interested in, we've gotten a consistent and steady flow of houses popping up in our search. Right now, there are 22 on our list. That's a lot of houses to look at, so I'm hoping the right house is in there for us.

The worst part of being a pet lover

2010-01-03T09:23:00.003-05:00

...is having to know when and having the courage, strength, and unconditional love to let them go.

Stink was an amazing cat. He was smarter and more personable than your average cat. He was our Alpha male, and he totally ruled the roost in our home. When he was younger (until he was about 2.5), he played fetch just like a dog. You could throw a toy and he would go and get it and bring it back to you. Sometimes, he would pop up in bed (while we were trying to sleep) with the toy in his mouth and meow to get you to play with him. Many, many mornings, we woke up with toys all over the place in the bed. He was also a cuddler. He loved to be held at night from the time we first got him. He'd lay right next to you and let you wrap your arms around him all night, or he'd curl up at the end of the bed and wrap himself around your foot. He was precocious and persistent--always wanting to be in your food and on the counters when we were cooking. He'd eat ANYTHING!!! He was obsessed with drinking water out of dirty dishes that were left in the sink. He stunk to absolute high hell sometimes and was probably the dirtiest cat ever--never cleaned his claws, never covered his horrific smelling poop, I always had to clean his ears for him. He was so sweet....until the end, he would sit in my lap for hours at a time and purr while I held him. In the last two months, he developed this cool talent of peeing in the toilet--no clue where he learned it, he just randomly started doing it one day. It was pretty cool. He was pretty cool...no, he was fantastic and amazing and we'll never find another cat like Stink.

Yesterday, we were faced with the decision that nearly all pet owners have to make at some point in time. Our baby, Stink, was 3.5 years old, and for all of the those 3.5 years, we have had him in and out of doctors, treating him for this and that, paying for this test and that test, giving him this shot and that shot. 3.5 years of feeling like we were shooting in the dark in the hopes of finding a cure for the little guy. Last June, he weighed in at 14 lbs when he was diagnosed with allergies, and we did what the doctors told us to do and followed his immunotherapy program to the T. We gave him the exact amount of the needed shot on the exact day. Every week, his skin and itching got worse and worse, and no one would listen to us. When I continually called the vet to tell them something was very wrong, I was repeatedly told that I needed to have patience and that he would get worse before he got better. Stink lost all of the hair on his head, neck, and a big strip that ran the length of his back.

In November, we were finally given a referral to a dermatologist at O.SU...after paying nearly a thousand dollars and trying several more meds, it seemed on some days like he was getting better. Some days, he would eat 3 bowls of food, which was great. Some days, we could see signs of the old Stink....lying on his back waiting for his belly to be rubbed (like a dog), running downstairs when someone was in the kitchen, jumping up on the counters, meowing. I felt like he was gaining weight...I felt better about him. We scheduled a skin biopsy for next Friday, Jan 8, which would be able to tell us what was infecting his skin; though the dermatologist told us from the beginning it was likely that the immunotherapy had compromised his immune system so much that something more serious could be going on inside him (lupus, AIDS, etc). I was holding out so much hope for this biopsy...I just wanted an answer for us and for him. I wanted it to be done--I wanted to know the cure and to stop stabbing in the dark.

On Thursday, Stink started missing the counter at my mom's house when he would try to jump up there. Not unusual...all my cats have had that problem before. On Friday, he was stumbling every time he walked. Moving around, he would twitch and look so weak. I spent so much time with him on Friday, cuddled up in the bed like we used to do or holding him, wrapped in a towel, on my mom's couch. I knew he was sick, and I knew how bad he looked. I called the emergency services at O.SU, and after being told it would cost $150 just to bring him in, I decided to wait until Saturday to take him to his regular vet.

After a nearly sleepless night tossing and turning and worrying and remembering how Stink used to be, I got a call from my mom at exactly 8:30am. She said he looked much worse, and in my heart, I knew that by the end of the day, I would no longer have my amazing Stink...We headed straight to my mom's, and when we walked in, he was swaddled in a blanket looking so sick and small and so much like a kitten. I held him in the towel the whole way to the vet and while in the examining room. He was down to 7 pounds. We waited, waited, waited for the vet to come in, but I was somewhat thankful for the wait because the longer we sat there, the more time we had before we had to know the truth. We were both a mess. We tried to let Stink walk, but he couldn't stand without falling down. My heart was breaking, and I could see Nate's heart breaking in the tears that were falling from his very soul.

When the vet finally came in, we knew from the look on her face it was over. She told us several scenarios. Either whatever had infected his skin had made its way to his cerebellum causing severe neurological problems, or he's always had some sort of immune system deficiency that has never been caught and has been the underlying root of all his problems. She said we could try another antibiotic to see if it would reach his brain, but the chance of success was only 25%...she said we could do a spinal tap on Monday, but who knows if he would survive the anesthetic. But...if we have learned anything from Stink's life, it is that no amount of money, no matter how great or small, is capable of fixing some problems. We could've paid for the meds and the procedure, no problem, but it was just going to cause him more pain, and we would have to watch him suffer. We made our decision with the utmost love and care; his whole life, we have given him everything and tried everything we could, and he, in return, has given us unconditional love and every last bit of his strength. It didn't matter how much we had fought him to get a pill down his throat, he would turn right around a minute later and love on us like he knew we were only doing it for him. How much more can you ask from an animal than to try as hard as he has try and to fight as hard as he has fought his whole life.

We got some time with him before the time came, and my mom (thank God) came up to sit with us. We all held him and loved him and told him how much he meant to us. I kept telling him how sorry I was...sorry for making him worse with the immunotheraphy, sorry that his life ended up this way, sorry that we didn't have more time with him...I was just so sorry. He looked at us, so weak in his blanket, and I kept feeling like his eyes were begging for this to be over. At one point, while I was holding him, his little hand reached out from the blanket and landed on my lip...someday, I will see that as the sign for "it's ok," but I can't see it that way now. I feel too guilty and too hurt from our decision. Holding him and waiting for the moment to come, all I could think about was how I wished I didn't have a soul so I never had to feel this kind of pain. I wished my heart wasn't so big, so there was less of it to break when things like this happen.

Then, at noon, it was over, and we left the vet empty-handed. My baby, OUR baby was gone. I just hope he knew how much he was loved and always will be loved. I hope he knew how much it hurt us to make that decision and how painful it's going to be to get through our grief. I've never felt so much pain...I've never cried so much...I can't seem to get the hurt to stop. Good memories, bad memories, memories of his last moments, memories when we got him as a kitten, it all hurts. I know that no matter what we did or how much we would pay (which we would've given EVERYTHING if it would've made him better), our original Stink was gone. What we've had for the last year or so was not our baby, but it was a fighter...a fighter who gave his all, but some days couldn't get up long enough to live.

Our beautiful, amazing, cool, fantastic, pesky, loving, cuddling, playful, wonderful, talented, smart, dirty Stink will forever be in our hearts, and eventually, my soul will stop aching long enough for me to see the humanity and love in the decision we had to make.

Rest in peace, my Baby Bean...

Goodbye 2009

2009-12-31T14:13:00.002-05:00

The fact that we are leaving 2009 behind tonight doesn't really seem as dramatic to me as it does every other year. Most years, I make a list of "goals" ("resolutions" tend to go by the wayside pretty quickly, but you can always come back to finish your "goals") that I want to accomplish within the next year. They usually consist of paying off debts, losing weight, all the typical stuff. My goals for 2009 were to pay of debts (and yet we dug ourselves a little further in with the purchase of a new car, lol), have a baby (in the midst of that), and buy a house (working our way towards that). So, all-in-all, I can say 2009 was a pretty productive year.

I'm kind of freaked about 2010 right now. For the same reasons I wrote about in my "stressing" blog a couple days ago. There is so much going on, where do I even begin to start with goals? My only real goal is to lose weight after the baby comes, but again, that's been the same goal I've had for years. I feel like life is at some sort of standstill for Nathan and I right now...we're waiting on so many things. It's like we're teetering on the edge of a cliff waiting to be pushed down the side. All I know is somehow we will make it through this year with all it is about to bring.

So...here's to 2010. This will probably be one of the busiest, craziest, most stressful years of my life, but I'm ready for it. Let's just hope the bank account can keep up with the every-pressing financial demands, my sanity can keep up with many sleepless nights, and that my patience doesn't wear out before this time next year. Good luck to all in the new year :)

Achoo

2009-12-30T23:35:00.000-05:00

I am freaking sick today. WTH??? Last night, my eyes were watering excessively (probably because I've had my contacts in too long, but I didn't think of that until the morning when my husband asked me when I last changed them), and I woke up this morning to them being completely sealed closed. Totally gross.

My head feels like it's going to blow up, my nose is so stuffed I can hardly breathe, and my lips are officially cracked from all the mouth breathing.

But Rylee is having a freakin' blast in my belly today, so at least one of us is feeling well :)

To the Maxx

2009-12-29T21:40:00.002-05:00

So, I'm pretty stressed. I'm on vacation, and I should be enjoying my time, but I am just stressed out. There is too much going on. Each day is turning into a whirlwind and I'm not accomplishing anything. Here's what's going on...

Stink
Yes, we are still working on Stink. He looks sooooo much better, but for every step we take forward, we end up taking 2 steps back. The dermatologist is planning a skin biopsy for him on Friday, Jan 8th, so we'll see if his skin isn't the root of all his problems. He isn't reacting well to the steroids (we'll find out soon if his reaction is due to a bladder infection instead of the steroids, though), and if the biopsy comes back negative for all the stuff they're testing AND he can't stay on steroids for his itching, we are pretty much out of luck.

LUCKILY, my mom has let us leave Stink at her house the last week and, hopefully, until next Friday. It's still almost just as worrisome and stressful as it is taking care of him here full-time, though, because I keep going over there to coddle him like a baby.

Houses
We got approved for $150k for a house!!!! That's awesome news!!! The not-so-awesome news is that we now have to find a house and get into contract on it so we can close by April 2. We've had to alter our expectations for a home--we aren't going to get the kind of home we'd like to have if we keep holding out for a 1/2 acre. I'm worried about all the money that goes along with home buying. We have a nice chunk saved up, but with the down payment, closing costs (fingers crossed we can get seller to pay), inspection costs, moving costs, and our lease buy-out, 2010 is looking like an insanely expensive year.

Taxes
Has anyone else taken a preliminary look at their taxes this year? Let's just say that we (Nathan and I, at least) got completely screwed by this wonderful "stimulus" money on each paycheck (remember that extra $15 a week we'd all receive?). I never changed my number of dependents because we've always gotten a few thousand back, so I assumed it would work out fine, but it didn't. I'm pretty pissed because I'd rather them NOT give me that extra money on my paychecks and me NOT end up paying in this year. We got royally screwed by our taxes this year. Blows.

All that being said, we need to close on a house before we file our taxes so what we owe can come out of our $8,000 tax credit.

Baby Rylee
Every day, I get more and more stressed about being so close to Rylee's arrival. I'm freaking about the number of appointments I'll be having in the next 4 months, and I'm freaking about the fact that someone decided Nathan and I were good enough to be someone's PARENTS!!!

Stressing
I'm stressing about stressing (ironically) because I don't want to screw up my pregnancy and all that good stuff.

Deep breaths, calm thoughts, studying pictures of the beach, closing eyes, counting backward from 10, drinking a chocolate milkshake....Soothing thoughts, warm showers, scented candles, this too shall pass. I can do this. I can do all of this. I can handle it because it wouldn't be happening if I couldn't.

Baby Belly

2009-12-28T20:50:00.001-05:00

I promised I'd never post pictures of just my belly anywhere, but I couldn't resist now that it's with me all the time, lol.

22 weeks 4 days

Myrtle Beach

2009-12-27T22:12:00.015-05:00

Last week, we headed off to Myrtle Beach. It's sort of a family tradition we have because my grandparents always took us to MB during Christmas vacations growing up. I must have gone with them at least 5 times. We would swim in the hotel pool, go bowling at a nearby hotel, visit the Wacamaw Mall...I have so many memories of my many trips with my grandparents.

Here's some for you...
My grandpa used to always get me up bright and early in the morning so we could head to the beach to look for shells. It was like a g-pa/g-daughter thing we did together, and I'm so glad I have so many shells to help me remember these mornings.

On one such morning, I found a starfish. I wanted to throw it back out in the ocean, but my grandpa said it was already dead if it had washed up on shore. He had me bring it back to the hotel room and let it "dry out" (i.e. die). I still have that starfish, and it's one of my most prized possessions.

I remember going to souvenir shops. That was one thing we did ALL THE TIME. My grandparents loved to look at souvenirs, though I don't remember them buying much for themselves.

I remember stopping at this little tiny one-room church on the way to MB. It had like 6 tiny pews, 3 on either side. We always signed the guest book.

I remember Pappaw waking me (and anyone else in the van) up many, many times during the trip to tell us about different trees, tell us what he would do "if he owned that land," teach us about glass in the road pavement in SC, and show us what real cotton looks like when it's growing. He should be proud that he imparted so much information to us.

I remember arguing with my brother and cousin, lol.

I remember trips to the Dixie Stampede and getting a "boot" with the strawberry drink in it.

So, so, so many of my childhood memories are centered on MB. And I was lucky enough to make so many more on this trip.

For instance, this is what happens when you get Mammaw in an electric cart in the midst of aisles that are WAY TOO CLOSE...

And this is what you (or my mom and I) can do with a few bucks worth of Christmas decorations...

...and here they are from the beach...

Then, there was this...

...when we talked my grandma into posing like she was holding the palm tree up. Too, too funny. Wish I had gotten the close-up shot where you can tell she is posing like a model.

We got some family shots on the beach, but you'll need to excuse my pregnant blimpiness and ill-fitting sweater, lol...

We also went to the Dixie Stampede, which is like Medieval Times but with a holiday theme. While it's a little cheesy now, I remember thinking it was the coolest thing in the world when I was little.

The Preshow...

During the show, Rocky and Roberta got picked to be in the show. Pretty cool...

Well, at least they won :)

There was searching for shells...

...and plenty of Yahtzee, Boggle, and Catch Phrase...

But most importantly, there was time spent with family. Memories made with my awesome mother and my amazing g-ma. Times I'll never forget for the rest of my life...

Birthing Classes

2009-12-21T09:41:00.003-05:00

A brief thought before I head out on my trip...

My midwife encouraged us to do birthing classes--especially if we want to do an unmedicated birth. My OB encouraged us to do birthing classes. All the pregnancy books encourage us to do birthing classes. But, I don't think we're going to do any birthing classes.

Here's my philosophy on the whole thing...In the end of it all, a baby is going to come out of me one way or another. Either my "butt is going to fall off, and the baby comes out, and you have to dig around to get the baby" (a la Knocked Up), or they are going to slice me open and rip the baby from my womb. One way or another, she's coming out. She can't, unfortunately, stay warm and protected in my uterus for the next 20 years, lol.

So, does it matter if I take birthing classes? Does it matter if I have practiced breathing techniques, if I know how to visualize to alleviate some of the pain, if I know how they use the vacuum thingy or the forceps? Does it matter if I plan and plan to have a vaginal birth? No, not really. None of it really matters.

I'll have to reiterate my argument that women are designed to give birth. I think we have to rely on our natural instincts to do something that is as inherent to us as breathing air. We are supposed to do it; we are mechanically inclined toward incubation and delivery. No birthing class can prepare us (me) for what lies ahead, but reverting to instinct is all we (I) should really need. Birthing classes and epidurals are really new concepts (within the last few decades). I almost feel like having these things (FOR ME, and IN MY PERSONAL OPINION) is like a smack in the face to our very nature as women. This is what we are/were born to do. This is what makes us women, and this is truly what makes us stronger than men (after all...what pain could a man ever have that could even come close in comparison to the pain of childbirth?).

All that being said...if I need it, I'm still getting the epidural :)

You learn something every day.

2009-12-19T21:46:00.002-05:00

You know what I absolutely love??? I LOVE that even though Nathan and I have lived together for 7 years and 3 months, I can still learn new things about him.

For example, today I learned that even though he is the LEAST emotive person I have ever met in my life, he really does have feelings...and I LOVE this. I love finding out that things affect him and that he has deep emotions--even if I never see them.

Today is a day when I appreciate my husband for the amazingly wonderful person he is. I often tell people we are loud like an Italian couple whether angry or not, but man...do I ever love that guy.

You're fantastic, homey, and you are going to be an amazing daddy to our little baby girl :)

Rylee is all over the place tonight!

2009-12-16T21:33:00.001-05:00

When I first started feeling movements ("quickening"), it was a few weeks ago. I would feel something and immediately think, "Whoa. What was that?" It felt like a brief, fleeting moment of a gas bubble, but it was in the wrong spot. Instead of being in my stomach or intestines, it was in the front of my belly, toward my belly button.

The only reason I've noticed baby movements more often now, is because I find myself thinking, "Whoa. What was that?" much more often. Today, it has been super frequent. Probably the most I've felt so far. I think I've paused for my "Whoa" thought at least 10-15 times today. It's nuts. Most of those were early this morning (around 9) and this evening. I love it!

Ultrasound Update

2009-12-14T19:23:00.002-05:00

We had our 20-week ultrasound today and got to see our beautiful little lady. There is still nothing more amazing than seeing her bouncing around on the little screen and feeling none of it, lol.

She is measuring exactly on target (within 1-2 days), with a due date still between April 29 and May 2. She was doing the MOST ADORABLE thing today...first, I should say she is currently breech, but the doctor said that is no big deal at this point and she will probably flip around again here soon. So, anyhow, her little head is up toward my belly button. Her little baby feet were up in her face, and she was playing with her tiny toes. Too, too cute. Absolutely. I cannot wait to actually see her face; she's going to be a beautiful baby.

Next appointment is at 25 weeks (11-18), and I'll be very close to starting the 3rd trimester! I can't believe it!!!!

Some days you're the bird....

2009-12-08T20:21:00.002-05:00

...Some days you're the statue.

Today was a "statue" day. I'm dying for Christmas break. I cannot wait to get away for 2 weeks, and each day just seems to drag on and on and on.

The kids had a paper due today, so of course I spent much of my day fending of crying children and their "my computer..." or "my printer..." or "I emailed it!" excuses. Zero for you. Zero for you. Zero for you. I'm mean, I guess, but I expect a lot out of them, and there is no excuse for a late paper when you've had three weeks to do it. Be responsible. Be a young adult.

I still feel like crap, though, when they either don't do the paper (Don't you know you will fail my class if you don't do the work?) or when I actually DO give them a second chance (email it to me by 3:30 today, and I'll still take it...) they fail to follow through. I feel crappy because I take it personally. I shouldn't, I know, but I feel like I didn't do enough to get them to do the assignment. It ONLY bugs me when it's a 100+ point assignment, though.

Whatever, I guess. My job is not to baby them. It is to teach them life skills, and meeting deadlines is absolutely a life skill. I do it. My grades are never turned in late. I ALWAYS have my paperwork and anything requested of me turned in on time. There's no excuse for laziness, and maybe, just maybe if we (as a culture) stop allowing anything other than high expectations, maybe then we'd be doing better as a society. I'm sorry, but there is NO REASON to turn in late homework. Get your lazy butt in gear, and get it done, ya know??

Like I said, I'm mean. I've heard it from other teachers as well, but I don't care.

In other news...I'm off to see Twilight: The New Moon Saga again tomorrow. LOVE that movie. Definitely another one to add to my slim movie collection.

Two Weeks Until Christmas Break

2009-12-06T12:14:00.002-05:00

If you've never been a teacher, there are some things you may not know about children. For instance, did you know their attitudes and behaviors are dictated by upcoming events? Between Thanksgiving and Christmas it is nearly impossible to get the kids to sit down, be quiet, and do what you want them to do. More disciplinary notices occur during this time (write-ups, demerits, things of the like). More children start crowding the afterschool detention rooms. Kids become squirrely, ready to bounce off the walls at any given moment, trying on your patience, and all-around unsettled. This same type of behavior tends to happen just before spring break and at the end of the school year. I would venture to say these are the most trying times of any school year, and anyone who thinks we should add 20 days onto our year has NO CLUE how the behaviors of kids are affected by the timing of the year. When the sun starts to shine and weather starts to warm up, no kid (or teacher) wants to be stuck in a classroom, and that is reflected in their dispositions. Kids are amazing creatures, seriously.

That being said, break is 2 weeks away, I am at the end of my rope, the kids are at the end of theirs, and it is taking everything I have down to the core of my soul to get them through this last stretch of 2009. It's no wonder I feel so worn out all the time!

Last night, we went to the zoo for their Holiday Lights. It was a lot of fun. Freezing, but a lot of fun. Wish I could have taken some pictures, but my hands wanted to stay buried in my coat pockets! We walked around for about 2 hours, which is the most walking I have done at this stage of pregnancy (20 weeks this week). I didn't think much of it while we were there; I wasn't in much pain other than some cramping in my lower, lower gut region--Maybe the baby telling me she'd had enough?? But once we got back to the car and finally got home last night, my body told me just how trying that whole event was for it. My left leg felt like I had run a marathon--it was SOOOOOOOOOOOO sore and achy. I kept having to stretch it because my muscles were all cramped and pained! My back (the left lower side, which I have been having problems with anyhow) was intensely pained, and I could hardly move once we got into bed. Finally, my BOOBS were so sore. Who would've thought that doing something as simple as walking could cause so much discomfort.

In the last few days, my stomach has turned into a very hard and protruding rock when I lay on my back. It's amazing! I can feel my entire uterus around the sides and at the top. I end up sleeping with my hands cupped over this growing mass in some protective, instinctual way. All of this pregnancy stuff is fascinating. It's amazing to be able to feel the things that are growing, though I still haven't felt the baby with any certainty yet. I'm struggling with how much weight I'm gaining, and the fear that I will never be able to take it back off, but I'm glad that what is supposed to be happening is--It's good to know that everything isn't broken!

Baby Furniture :)

2009-11-30T19:43:00.006-05:00

Edited to Add: I think I MAY be feeling the baby tonight. Either that or I have some seriously weird muscle spasm going on in my upper left gut. Totally feels like baby, though. I had ice cream earlier, maybe the sugar is driving her mad!

My mom and I went shopping today (loaded with our 20% off Buy Buy Baby coupons). Mom ended up buying the baby both the crib and the bottom part of the combo dresser. I am going back in the next week or two to get the top part of the combo dresser, and in February, I'll go back for the 6-drawer dresser and the adult bed rails/toddler bed piece for the set. This set will last until the baby is at least a teenager, since it is a 4-in-1 convertible bed (crib, toddler bed, toddler daybed, full size bed). I love practical stuff!!!

Anyhow...I won't be taking pictures at my apartment of the stuff since we will be setting everything up once we buy a house, so here are just some generic pictures of the pieces from the Sorelle website. We got them in this exact color as well:

1) The all important crib!!!

2) The combo dresser/changing table/hutch.

3) The 6-drawer dresser. Although I don't really see us using it all that much right now, it's definitely going to be useful as the baby grows.

To all the moms out there (and non-moms with input!!!)...I'm putting the finishing touches on my registries but I still don't feel like I have much on either of them :( What items do you recommend that I should add? If you know my name and stuff, check out what I have listed at Tar.get and Buy Buy Baby--let me know if you can think of anything I'm missing. I know I still need a stroller, convertible carseat, and that Bumbo seat thing, but I can't think of anything else!

So busy...uh....screwing around on the internet

2009-11-29T12:40:00.002-05:00

I'm wasting time. Time during which I should be grading my last two stacks of essays, creating quizzes for this week (and the next two weeks), and coming up with the uber-fun activities I am going to use to try and keep the kids in line for the next 14 school days until Christmas break fever kicks in. Instead, I'm screwing around on the internet...looking at houses and bookmarking those I want to go see (I can't believe we're meeting with the realtor this Thursday), browsing through posts on Baby Center (I can't believe I am only a week and a half or so away from being halfway through this pregnancy!!), stopping in on Facebook every now and then, and generally being a waste of space. That's right...I am SO BUSY today...doing nothing :)

Thanksgiving was great. Lots of food. I got even more fat than I already am, though I've been seriously contemplating how I will work to get all this weight off plus some once the baby arrives...Maybe I'll take up running? Ugh. I hate running. Anyhow...it was good to see the family. Lots and lots of little ones running around anymore! Soon to be +1 next year.

Yesterday was decently productive. Hubs and I split the duties and got all the cleaning done in no time, which included steam cleaning the carpets yet again (I can't begin to tell you how many times I obsessively compulsively clean the freaking carpets). We were supposed to go to this local holiday event, but lo and behold, SOMEONE didn't show up when HE was supposed to, and I ended up getting all ready to go for NOTHING.

Husbands...can't live with them...can't smother them in their sleep.

Today I have to get some school work done. But that requires actually DOING something, and I'm so much more content just sitting here, staring at the computer all afternoon.